I'm a terrible person and my life is a mess

[Hatsune Candy]

My life is just in total turmoil right now, I dont even know where to begin with this post; apologies ahead of time if this gets really long. Everyone I was ever close to is now either gone or hates me, I lack good friends, I'm stressed out because I was rushed into college unprepared, I've made more mistakes these past couple of years than one would make in a lifetime, and overall I am just too freakin' depressed to do anything about any of it.

There's just so much that I need to get off my chest I might as well just start from the very beginning. Towards the end of 2011 was when it all started to go downhill. For reasons that are irrelevant, I had to decide to join a certain forum run by an underrated Let's Player that I very much enjoy. I was young, still in my sophomore year of high school, and I didn't really know much about the world of forums, but I thought I'd give it a go. Normally I'm really shy and socially awkward, but on the Internet I'm just a little bit more comfortable talking to people; I thought joining this forum would be good for me. I didn't get off to a very good start, though, I did stupid things that not too many people were pleased with and my reputation would eternally suffer for it. However, there were a few members who were kind and understanding, those people would soon become my friends in this foreign community. One friend of particular importance I will refer to for the time being as Jake.

As time went on one would expect things to improve, but it didn't exactly. While I had stopped making stupid newbie mistakes, I hadn't stopped making stupid mistakes. I frequently got into arguments with select members purely because I was prideful and stubborn; can't say that's changed all that much. Needless to say, that got me into a lot of trouble and my reputation was rapidly spiraling downwards. I still had my few friends, but outside of them some people were starting to think very poorly of me, especially the two members I argued with most frequently, who were just as prideful and stubborn as me (kinda explains why we never got along very well). And considering that both were rather influential in the community, things weren't going very well for me. I tried leaving the forum, but I was too attached to it to simply do that, and I still am.

At that point I was getting a bit desperate, I wanted to have a good reputation and I figured that the only way that would ever happen was if I started over; created a new account and pretend to be someone else. At first it worked pretty well, I stopped making stupid mistakes, I got along with the other members, and no one thought poorly of me; but eventually I started to feel guilty, I was deceiving a lot of people, including my friends, and I just couldn't handle it. So I stopped posting as that account and went back to my original one, except now was I determined to improve my reputation and become a better person.

Meanwhile, Jake and I were becoming close friends. We did a lot together, there was hardly a day where we didn't talk at every possible moment; which was bit much on my introverted personality, but I kept with it despite the mental exhaustion. Then something happened. For privacy's sake I won't say exactly what, but an event occurred about a year into our friendship that caused Jake to come out as transgender. So outta respect I'm gonna start referring to her as Rose from now on. Now, I don't don't really have any issues with transgenders or LGBT in general, but the real problem was that Rose also confessed a deep love for me and... I didn't really take it all that well. I'm not too proud of how I reacted to that news... I sorta freaked out a little bit.

And to make it all worse, while this whole thing is going on between me and Rose, I meet someone new. A new member on the forum whom I'll just call Amy. I had become acquainted with her in a FaceBook group beforehand, and now that she was on the forum it didn't take us long to become good friends. October 7, 2012 marked the start of our relationship together. I loved her so much and was more than happy to spend all the time I could with her, it wasn't even exhausting.

Of course, Rose wasn't too pleased by this, not after she had just confessed her own love, which I'm sure wasn't easy in the slightest. She ceased talking to me and every once in while I would get hateful messages directed towards me and Amy, which didn't do well for the first few months of our relationship. At one point it got so bad that some members from the forum had to help us out. Eventually, Rose stopped with the messages and it almost smooth sailing after that.

Except not really. I was still getting into arguments on the forum and making stupid mistakes. Amy, as much as she loved me for who I was, she didn't like what was happening and asked me to stop. I tried to, I really did, I tried my best; but every time things started to look up, an incident would occur that brought me back down to where I started. Overtime, this destructive pattern was taking a toll on my relationship with Amy. I still had an undying love for her, but she was having doubts. And then it was only inevitable: she dumped me, on October 7, 2013... our first, and last, anniversary... Since then she has grown to despise me.

In other news, Rose had somehow managed to forgive me for my harsh rejection and we were starting to talk again. We were closer than ever, it was like the past year never happened. But it did happen, and even with Rose constantly cheering me up everyday, it wasn't enough to stop depression from taking hold. It had kinda already existed long before then, losing Amy just made it a lot more potent. With depression in my brain and my reputation on the forum still dropping, I once again resorted to pretending to be someone else. It was the same thing as before: worked at first, then I started to feel bad. Except this time I inadvertently let Rose grow attached to this alternate me, and this time I decided to fake dying cancer so that no one would question the sudden disappearance.

...Worst mistake of my life...

Seven months later, Rose finds out about what I did and is absolutely furious. She hates me, she insists that we are no longer friends, she will not talk to me, she has gone so far as to block every form of communication that she can. And I honestly don't blame her. What I did was terrible and I regret it deeply. I don't think I could ever forgive myself, so I don't expect Rose to forgive me anytime soon. Even if she did, it just wouldn't be the same, knowing the pain that I caused her...

All this on top of the stress from real life has just become too much for me to handle any longer and I'm honestly afraid that I might snap, because I have no clue what to do anymore. I've been told many times to see a therapist, but I just can't bring myself to. I am dreadfully terrified of sharing my emotions with anyone face to face, especially with a total stranger (even if they are a professional). As a shy and socially awkward person, I've never been able to do it before.

Anyways, sorry again for the long post, I've been meaning to get this out there for a while now.
It won't help much, but it's nice to not have this all bottled up anymore.

 

[LunaValentine]

YOU! You need a hug. Come here! *offers hug*

 

[DapperDogman]

You poor thing *hugs and rubs her hair gently*
I'm sorry, I suck at cheering people up, but know that things can only get better from here, put it all behind you, as hard as that may seem, if you let it all go, you can move on in life

 

[LogicfromLogic]

Listen, you could sit there and continue being sad, angry, and stew on what all went down there. Lies are most unbecoming, and reputations are hard to retrieve.

But I see more good that you've done in that whole thing than bad, number one is coming clean. we all have skeletons in our closet, and not all of us are strong enough to face them like you are here. You've shown integrity, true integrity, for coming out honest. We all have made ourselves look like asses before, anyone who tells you otherwise is making that mistake again themselves. But take this whole thing and learn from it; it has been a key to learning. I mean, I've done some fucked up shit in my life, and if this is as bad as you've done so far, I don't think you should be as hard on yourself.

Just don't do it again and try your best to be better next time. I've seen you around here, you're okay in my books. Use those legs of yours and walk on deary.

 

[Hatsune Candy]

Listen, you could sit there and continue being sad, angry, and stew on what all went down there. Lies are most unbecoming, and reputations are hard to retrieve.

But I see more good that you've done in that whole thing than bad, number one is coming clean. we all have skeletons in our closet, and not all of us are strong enough to face them like you are here. You've shown integrity, true integrity, for coming out honest. We all have made ourselves look like asses before, anyone who tells you otherwise is making that mistake again themselves. But take this whole thing and learn from it; it has been a key to learning. I mean, I've done some fucked up shit in my life, and if this is as bad as you've done so far, I don't think you should be as hard on yourself.

Just don't do it again and try your best to be better next time. I've seen you around here, you're okay in my books. Use those legs of yours and walk on deary.

Aside from coming clean, where's this good that I've done? Please, I ask this genuinely, because all I see is mistake after mistake after mistake and a lot people that just flat out hate me for them.

 

[LogicfromLogic]

Aside from coming clean, where's this good that I've done? Please, I ask this genuinely, because all I see is mistake after mistake after mistake and a lot people that just flat out hate me for them.

I see someone with great courage to come clean, courage I have to say that I may never have if I was in that situation. Do you know how damn hard that is? In every show depicting this, the character really, really struggles with it. But you've done what many people couldn't, and that in itself is something to be proud of. You have taken the step to get better by acknowledging what you did was wrong, and now, you are trying to fix the problem.

If people can't see past your mistakes, then that is their issue. You can't get any better if they keep kicking the legs out from under you, and you can't get any better if you let them. Pull yourself back up and start again, as you, and do better for yourself and your community.

 

[Kestrel]

You sound mournful of your actions and to this I say; Congratulations. You learned something from it and that is step number one to becoming a better person. You have admitted the problem. Yes, the lies about your identity and the cancer-faking were absolute dick-moves. Thing is; you can't change the past. This doesn't excuse it. This doesn't make it better. However, dwelling on it is hardly productive. You need to find a way to move forward.

What you must understand is that you're actually already further ahead with dealing with your issues than you might think. Many people are in denial or make excuses for the better part of their lives. Simply opening up, even if on an interweb-forum where you're more or less anonymous, is a big step forward. You have put your thoughts and feelings on (figurative) paper. You have made them coherent and transparent for a third party to read. This is good. If you aren't able to talk about this (yet), write about it instead.

These experiences may have hurt you and others, but because of that they are also valuable lessons you should cherish. You have many years ahead of you, years you can influence. Experiences you do have the power to define. Focus on the present and the future. You are still able to have a positive influence on your life and those of others. Learn from your mistakes and use them to find a better path.

Incidentally, you can actually use this very post you've written to inform a therapist. They will likely ask you questions, but don't think you're the only one who is withdrawn and shuts down in front of strangers. Most people do, especially during early sessions. What you do instead is prepare yourself. Write down what you want to say. Make your thoughts coherent. You will get questions you'll be unprepared for, but at least you will have a base.

 

[Fijoli]

Mistakes are made to learn from them. Forgiving yourself is all you can do to move forward and never do it again.
I will say this;

YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON​

Horrible people don't have the gumption to publicly announce that they faked cancer death. You are already on the path to honesty and it takes guts to do what you did. :)

 

[Hatsune Candy]

Mistakes are made to learn from them. Forgiving yourself is all you can do to move forward and never do it again.
I will say this;

YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON​

Horrible people don't have the gumption to publicly announce that they faked cancer death. You are already one the path to honesty and it take guts to do what you did. :)

Yes, I suppose it was just a big mistake, but it's one that I never should have made in the first place. Most people tend to be smart enough to know that faking cancer is a terrible idea, it doesn't take a lot of brain power to figure it out; the fact that I wasn't one of those people makes me feel absolutely horrible. Maybe I'm not a terrible person, but there are certainly a lot of people out there that believe that I am, all within good reason too. The closest friend I ever had is now a complete stranger to me, a complete stranger that hates my guts because of what I did to her. But hey! At least I know not to do it again, right? Yeah, no, fuck that. I shouldn't have to know not to do it again, I should have known not to do it at all. For Christ's sake, I faked cancer, of all things I faked bloody cancer. Cancer is a terrible, terrible thing that ruins many people's lives. My grandma had lung cancer and she died because of it, there isn't even a word to describe how I felt after that, yet alone my mom. And I had the audacity to fake that? Bloody hell, what was I even thinking?

It decisions like that that only add to my depression, now it feels like every decision I could possibly make is always the wrong one. Even when I think my choices over carefully, look at each one individually, determine all possible outcomes and pick the best one, I still somehow manage to make the wrong one! I hate having to make my own decisions, I'm afraid of screwing things up for the umpteenth freakin' time. I get extremely anxious every time I have to choose on the spot, for obvious reasons. And when I look back at the choices I've made in the past all I see is mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake. Mistakes are made to learn from them, yes, but that hardly means anything to me anymore. No matter how hard I try to learn from a mistake, I always seem to fail. Even if I catch myself before I make that mistake again and try to turn it another way, it still somehow manages to turn itself back around towards the wrong direction.

In one my many attempts to break my habit of frequent arguing, I tried approaching the situation in a calm and civil manner. While I like to think I did a pretty good job at doing so, it ended in heated argument all the same. Logically, I think it was mostly the other guy's fault for been unnecessarily aggressive and rude towards me, but above that I feel that it was solely my fault because when things go wrong I've been made to believe that it is always my fault. Plus his social status in the community is much, much greater than mine is, so of course he couldn't possibly be in the wrong. All total bullcrap, I know, but it is what was ingrained into my head and it's hard not to think that way.

The one time I handled a situation relatively well and avoided an argument, I was actually rather proud of myself for taking one step closer to becoming a better person. Things probably would have started getting better for me if I wasn't immediately shot down, by Amy no less, the person I trusted most at the time. She said, "No, that was still pretty bad, you could have handled that a lot better," instead of congratulation me for handling it much better than normal; and it sent me right back to where I was, "Yeah, your right, of course it was still pretty bad, this is me we're talking about here..."

If there is one decision I don't regret, it's joining Iwaku. This community is so much more supportive than the one on that other forum, and I greatly thank you for that.

 

[Leafa]

It's funny, your story reminds me of a very similar experience I had. I cheated on a good online friend who had loved me, I lied to her and said an IRL relationship started after our distance relationship ended. I separated myself with this person for over a year after a big fight, I said a lot of very mean things. She was desperate to talk to me, but eventually she gave up. The whole time I was upset about how I acted, and I was afraid to talk to her again. When I finally was ready to talk, she had completely moved on, found someone else, and found her own place in life. It made me realize I was living in the past, regretting and upset about things the other person didn't even care about anymore.

In the end, I guess life moves on. Faking cancer is an awful thing to do to someone. But all we can do is keep going. If we stop and think about the awful things we've done, we'll miss the opportunities to do good things. You've made the first step and admitted it was wrong, and like someone said above, a horrible person wouldn't admit that. You aren't a horrible person.

If you ever need a good friend I'm around.

 

[Ragnar Lothbrok]

I commend you for your honesty. To put this up here must have taken a lot to do so. Everyone makes mistakes, it's a part of life. It is what we learn from them which is the most important part. Learn from them to never repeat them. Already you are on a good path, admitting you've made some. I know people who can NEVER admit they make them. I know we don't know one another but if you need to talk send me a pm. I'll listen.

 

[Mari]

We all make mistakes. Just move on and promise to yourself to be better, start new and make things better than in the past.