My life is just in total turmoil right now, I dont even know where to begin with this post; apologies ahead of time if this gets really long. Everyone I was ever close to is now either gone or hates me, I lack good friends, I'm stressed out because I was rushed into college unprepared, I've made more mistakes these past couple of years than one would make in a lifetime, and overall I am just too freakin' depressed to do anything about any of it. There's just so much that I need to get off my chest I might as well just start from the very beginning. Towards the end of 2011 was when it all started to go downhill. For reasons that are irrelevant, I had to decide to join a certain forum run by an underrated Let's Player that I very much enjoy. I was young, still in my sophomore year of high school, and I didn't really know much about the world of forums, but I thought I'd give it a go. Normally I'm really shy and socially awkward, but on the Internet I'm just a little bit more comfortable talking to people; I thought joining this forum would be good for me. I didn't get off to a very good start, though, I did stupid things that not too many people were pleased with and my reputation would eternally suffer for it. However, there were a few members who were kind and understanding, those people would soon become my friends in this foreign community. One friend of particular importance I will refer to for the time being as Jake. As time went on one would expect things to improve, but it didn't exactly. While I had stopped making stupid newbie mistakes, I hadn't stopped making stupid mistakes. I frequently got into arguments with select members purely because I was prideful and stubborn; can't say that's changed all that much. Needless to say, that got me into a lot of trouble and my reputation was rapidly spiraling downwards. I still had my few friends, but outside of them some people were starting to think very poorly of me, especially the two members I argued with most frequently, who were just as prideful and stubborn as me (kinda explains why we never got along very well). And considering that both were rather influential in the community, things weren't going very well for me. I tried leaving the forum, but I was too attached to it to simply do that, and I still am. At that point I was getting a bit desperate, I wanted to have a good reputation and I figured that the only way that would ever happen was if I started over; created a new account and pretend to be someone else. At first it worked pretty well, I stopped making stupid mistakes, I got along with the other members, and no one thought poorly of me; but eventually I started to feel guilty, I was deceiving a lot of people, including my friends, and I just couldn't handle it. So I stopped posting as that account and went back to my original one, except now was I determined to improve my reputation and become a better person. Meanwhile, Jake and I were becoming close friends. We did a lot together, there was hardly a day where we didn't talk at every possible moment; which was bit much on my introverted personality, but I kept with it despite the mental exhaustion. Then something happened. For privacy's sake I won't say exactly what, but an event occurred about a year into our friendship that caused Jake to come out as transgender. So outta respect I'm gonna start referring to her as Rose from now on. Now, I don't don't really have any issues with transgenders or LGBT in general, but the real problem was that Rose also confessed a deep love for me and... I didn't really take it all that well. I'm not too proud of how I reacted to that news... I sorta freaked out a little bit. And to make it all worse, while this whole thing is going on between me and Rose, I meet someone new. A new member on the forum whom I'll just call Amy. I had become acquainted with her in a FaceBook group beforehand, and now that she was on the forum it didn't take us long to become good friends. October 7, 2012 marked the start of our relationship together. I loved her so much and was more than happy to spend all the time I could with her, it wasn't even exhausting. Of course, Rose wasn't too pleased by this, not after she had just confessed her own love, which I'm sure wasn't easy in the slightest. She ceased talking to me and every once in while I would get hateful messages directed towards me and Amy, which didn't do well for the first few months of our relationship. At one point it got so bad that some members from the forum had to help us out. Eventually, Rose stopped with the messages and it almost smooth sailing after that. Except not really. I was still getting into arguments on the forum and making stupid mistakes. Amy, as much as she loved me for who I was, she didn't like what was happening and asked me to stop. I tried to, I really did, I tried my best; but every time things started to look up, an incident would occur that brought me back down to where I started. Overtime, this destructive pattern was taking a toll on my relationship with Amy. I still had an undying love for her, but she was having doubts. And then it was only inevitable: she dumped me, on October 7, 2013... our first, and last, anniversary... Since then she has grown to despise me. In other news, Rose had somehow managed to forgive me for my harsh rejection and we were starting to talk again. We were closer than ever, it was like the past year never happened. But it did happen, and even with Rose constantly cheering me up everyday, it wasn't enough to stop depression from taking hold. It had kinda already existed long before then, losing Amy just made it a lot more potent. With depression in my brain and my reputation on the forum still dropping, I once again resorted to pretending to be someone else. It was the same thing as before: worked at first, then I started to feel bad. Except this time I inadvertently let Rose grow attached to this alternate me, and this time I decided to fake dying cancer so that no one would question the sudden disappearance. ...Worst mistake of my life... Seven months later, Rose finds out about what I did and is absolutely furious. She hates me, she insists that we are no longer friends, she will not talk to me, she has gone so far as to block every form of communication that she can. And I honestly don't blame her. What I did was terrible and I regret it deeply. I don't think I could ever forgive myself, so I don't expect Rose to forgive me anytime soon. Even if she did, it just wouldn't be the same, knowing the pain that I caused her... All this on top of the stress from real life has just become too much for me to handle any longer and I'm honestly afraid that I might snap, because I have no clue what to do anymore. I've been told many times to see a therapist, but I just can't bring myself to. I am dreadfully terrified of sharing my emotions with anyone face to face, especially with a total stranger (even if they are a professional). As a shy and socially awkward person, I've never been able to do it before. Anyways, sorry again for the long post, I've been meaning to get this out there for a while now. It won't help much, but it's nice to not have this all bottled up anymore.