ROLEPLAY HELP WRITING I'd like some critique on my roleplaying. How is my writing and how can I improve it?

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So ok, I'm writing a Colonel of the Helghast army from Killzone, Radec and King Leonadias from Fate which are two very different series.

So, here's what I have as two different samples.

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In a few quick strokes, the famed Spartan King slammed down his spear on the ground, 300 of his Spartans awaiting orders as souls at his command.

They all chanted " "ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ" at once, repeating like their leader. Once again they called out the same words, their spears hitting the ground twice this time and they prepared by running and at the perfect position and precision, they prepared the phalanx formation to activate Thermopylae Enomotia.

The "soul" Spartans stepped in front of the King and held their shields at the ready as King Leonadias struck his spear on his shield, making the shield appear flaming.

As the Spartans held the shields up as much as they could, Gorgon's piercing stare was starting to wear on them itself and King Leonadias couldn't hold so he started his own attack, getting stronger and stronger as the attack grew.

(Ο πρόγονός μου είναι ο μεγάλος ήρωας Ηρακλής και ο γιος του μεγάλου θεού, του Δία

"My ancestor is the great hero Heracles and the son of the great god, Zeus!"

Πράγματι, είμαι ο βασιλιάς Λεωνίδας της Σπάρτης, μια χώρα που δοξάζεται από τον θεό του πολέμου, Άρη.


Indeed, I am King Leonidas of Sparta, a country given praise by the war god, Ares.

Πράγματι, είμαι ο βασιλιάς Λεωνίδας της Σπάρτης, μια χώρα που επαινείται από τον θεό του πολέμου, Άρη.​



And I've seen through your true identity and if you know the name of our god, Zeus the true identify of a serpent that petrifies men goes as saying.


Και έχω δει μέσα από την αληθινή σου ταυτότητα και αν ξέρεις το όνομα του θεού μας, Δία την αληθινή ταυτότητα ενός φιδιού που πετρώνει τους ανθρώπους λέει.


Just like humans, my soul is immortal.

Όπως οι άνθρωποι, η ψυχή μου είναι αθάνατη.​


King Leonidas didn't even try to fight anymore, staring down the Gorgon straight in the eye and becoming petrified in stone.

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At the thought of such an underworld, King Leonaidas thought he'd be spending an eternity with the Greek gods, or at least dined in the Underworld but here, there was darkness. The man felt himself falling into darkness but only to be stopped by landing slowly near an archway with some sort of light, something of a voice calling. He called into the darkness in ancient greek, muttering light curses.
"Ποιος είναι εκεί?!"
"Who's there?!"

The voice made itself clear

"You died, am I right?"

The Spartan looked up and nodded slowly, frowning "What am I doing here? Why am I not with the Greek gods?!"

The reaper looked up and blinked, suddenly talking in ancient Greek.

"You are here to play… the Reaper's game, a second chance for you to live.

The Spartan King looked up, taking off his helmet for a second

"What's the catch?"

The voice replied "Very good, you caught the loophole. Well you get erased from existence if you don't win these 7 games."

"What about my men, do they come too?"

… Perhaps.."

"I'm.. not sure but I'll accept if you bring my men."

They are my responsibility.

"Now you pay your entry fee, as simple as that.

Seconds later, the memory was fuzzy and gone.


The Spartan Kings head hurt and he frowned, he had no choice but to walk into the bright light and see a place like a city full of buildings super tall and over his head and more. Overloaded with sights and sounds of a modern city unlike his own city state of Sparta, he was part naked, armor on his bottom parts and red streaks on the top.

"Fuck, what did I drink?"




He looked over at the "Flip phone" he received and the small circle he had. The phone had no interest to the man but the token did, just what did the symbol represent?

He sighed and placed them away.


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Colonel Mael Radec Writing for roleplay

Radec's Helghast Book on Honor-

My personal support was in route to meet the ISA scumbags at Pyyrus where hopefully my soldiers would take care of those soldiers on their way. Of course, I had a backup.. Plan for if my soldiers can't take care of.. the job themselves…

I'll be there!

I made my way running through the hallways, trying to catch the scumbags unaware. Disappearing again, I moved up close to an ISA named "Sev" as his comrade in arms yelled out "Look out behind you!"

It didn't matter who these men were and who they sent, all I knew is the ISA sent the wrong men to deal with,personally.

All I knew these men needed to die..

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Ugrh.. Huh..huh… Damnit… I will not allow these dogs to get the best of me!

They dared to get closer to me.. NO! I will not be captured alive!





… I close my eyes and thought this was the only honorable way for a Helghast Colonel, the highest ranked man in the Helghast to go.

I bit my tongue, sending the cold embrace of the weapon to my head before they got any closer.

Before I knew it, the bittersweet end embraced me.
The brain only shows us Thea clip of what we went through in life before we died. I guess whatever entity we prayed to had little mercy on us Helghast. We were the good guys.
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What was an afterlife? Was I sentenced to a horrific fate? Or Did I deserve a honorful honor? Nothing of that sort happened here. It was in the shape of an arch hallway long and a voice echoing throughout the hallways.

"ANSWER ME… at once!" My voice echoed, and slightly boomed. I held my M32 out, cautiously. Something about this voice needed to inform me of something important …

I felt my body and everything I once had was still around, my weapons, my rebreather, and my Helghast uniform straight down to the boots.

"You died, I understand?" The voice repeated

I looked at the voice "....Why does that matter to you?"

You were one of the lucky ones to join the Reaper's Game?"

"Game? Fight? Like Playstation all stars?"

The voice shook its head
"No , it's a game that allows you another chance at living, that is…if you win."

Win? Survive? All I had to do was win to gain another chance at leading the Helghast again.

"I-....

"Before you accept, there are … punishments… You are erased permanently if you lose… and you lose your entry fee..

"Don't toy with me! I wish to come back and play your… game!"


The voice stepped aside and let the former Colonel of the Helghast army walk forward.

The light hit as fast as it came, as I had a strange phone-like device and a "Player's pin" attached on my suit to find my way around this strange planet.

Was this Earth.. I've read books about Helghast history, Earth before it was broken up into UCA.

I wanted to observe, see who was around first. I faded from view and blended around the background