WRITING I'd like some critique on my roleplaying. How is my writing and how can I improve it?

CelvestianNesy

Edgebabby
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A bright light engulfed Nesy's line of vision, everything turned bright for a second before eventually it disappeared. He squinted his eyes to a blinding sunlight, waking up to find himself laying on a haystack while he faced the clear sky. So...Blue. His aching head registered the thought, as if his brain didnt recognise the colour "Blue" for a moment. He transisioned through conciousness and unconciousness while he decided to force himself to rise up from the soft bump, only to realise it was between two unfamiliar buildings. "What is this place?" His eyes readjusted to see people doing their usual buisness on the streets, it's a normal thing but the streets looked older. As if he went back in time or something.

Stumbling on his two feet, he walked out of the alley onto the mysterious path that connected the city. "...The medieval times?" He processed the thought while he walked through them while seeing rows of buildings that had rocky roofs, some covered in hay. "What a strange place..." He uttered to himself, people glancing at the 18-17 year old dude who walked in a rather abnormal way, some of the hay sticked to his clothes. He seemed completly lost, unaware of this completly unfamiliar world but atleast he recognised the difference between a different buildings, resedential areas. Nesy knew what to expect in a medieval world, but...In this? He had absoloutly no idea where he was but only to understand he ended up here by unexplainable reasons.

It was like in the books in the modern world but less dirty with more better lifestyle charactaristics. Atleast he didn't get executed but the only distinct thing here were his clothes. Nesy didn't notice that residents gave him funny looks, a foreigner? It was an interesting sight for people while others didn't mind much because they had other buisness to attend. He smelled sweetness in the air with savoury flavour into it, there was food around here? The auroma of the air carried a lot of unexplainable smells that his nose just couldn't bare to register. "Okay, so there's a lot of food." He noted in his mind while he continued to explore through the vast streets filled with unknown induviduals. His readjusting eyes couldn't really make up what was around him due to being too bright to see.


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Second:



In a distant universe , shrouded in galaxies far unlike any other with numerous stars that lit up the skies with potential planets that orbited around them. In one of these systems there was a planet named Celvestia, filled in technology unlike anything else man has seen. The planet was filled with colour, absoloutly stunning to many. It futured seas that had shores which stretched with the landmasses. It was shrouded in highly developed cities, ships that whooshed past while they reexited and reentered the planet. The multiversal alliance or so they call it"TCU" (The Celvestian alliance) that had many appourtunities for new people that wished to live and work or just have a look in general.

In the country of Swanobo, a social democratic society that had quite high living standards just like any other nation. There lived a young adult in the name of Nesy, he was a soilder in the Celvestian army, he's quite famous for his own military inventions along with the use of magic which interested many people. He has been serving the army for a short ammount of time but has many things in common that make him get along with people easier, while others find him funny and amusing. So was life, but one day everything changed when a government announcement to all citzens were broadcasted.

Nesy watched news often about the situation on other parts of the country but also outside of his planet. He made himself comfy in his newly bought couch. A female newsanchor began to talk after the news intro. "Hello this is your news broadcaster, Nurah. A so called, "Dark-wizard." has threatened many people across the board as we begin reports of a strange belligerant person that seeks to destroy everything including our civilisation. We're here with the Celvestian commander of the 93th regement who wants to make an announcement." The microphone was handed over to an older man in a giant mechanised suit.

"Hello, i'm the commander of the 93th regement, as you might see we've selected one of 900 quadrillion people one man who serves in the military. Congress decided this would be fair because the people have a lot of trust in this guy. The name, Nesy Celvius is the one that will step up for us tomorrow and be recruited into the 93th regement. Of course he is in the 947th regement which will be transfered over to 93. The reason out of those many people, is that there's something special about him. He invented a lot of things in his military in a relativly short ammount of time, which impressed me a lot." The Celvestian commander spoke to the newsanchor, switching the topic right after.

Nesy was left absoloutly flabbergasted because he was recruited into the 93th regement, which was an elite unit mostly made of fine soilders. Time passed, he was selected for a mission that would change the lives of many. So, this wizard was called to be hunt down. The adventure begun 25 days later after intensive training, he hopped onto his spaceship as he left his home to go on an important solo-mission with no idea if he would ever live the mission through. May the gods who created mankind be with him until the last breath.


^ Those are my roleplay samples, but I also want some critique how I can improve them.
 

A Life of Cinn

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Hello! I'm no exceptional critic, but I think I can input at least a few things.

Firstly, spelling. It's actually not bad at all, but there's a few easy to make errors, take the first paragraph for example: "He transisioned through conciousness and unconciousness..." Transitioned, and consciousness. In the second story excerpt, you wrote "It futured seas that had shores..." Featured would be the word. Make sure you have an English spell-checker turned on. Even complete masters of the language slip up, especially while typing quickly, and the best way to learn is seeing those red squiggly lines underneath.

Secondly, I like the size of the paragraphs, but I believe you are using them in the wrong way. To me at least, it looks like you use paragraphs to give the overall page a well distributed look, seeing as they are all of very similar sizes. Usually paragraphs should each hold distinct ideas. For example, your first excerpt, you start by describing the sky, and in the same paragraph you describe the out-of-time city, and then start a new paragraph further exploring the city. To do this better, separate the main ideas, so the description and state of mind of the narrator is one paragraph, and the observations of the city is it's own paragraph. This helps the reader better visualize each distinct paragraph.
The technique can help the rest of your writing. When you first mention people noticing the narrator walking abnormally, it feels like a very short side point, because it's trapped within a larger paragraph. Try isolating that feeling of being a stranger to its own paragraph.
I love the description of smells and food, but it gets lost in the rest. Try organizing the paragraphs by the content of each sentence, it will make your writing much easier to follow.

Third and lastly (at least from me), I think you can improve by not over-explaining. It is good to provide detail, but the detail can be revealed over a longer period of time. For instance, "In the country of Swanobo, a social democratic society that had quite high living standards just like any other nation. There lived a young adult in.." This sentence could have been added to the previous paragraph somewhere, for world exposition (there's a time and place for it), but I don't think it should be put right beside a character introduction. I suppose this is much like the second point. But in general, unless it's a very short story that requires a lot of plot details, readers don't mind waiting to get relevant information. Related to this point, it's sometimes better to not elaborate than to explain something that has no impact on the story. I don't know the whole story, but keep an eye on what information you provide about the world, characters, etc, and if something seems like it doesn't paint a picture of something specific, or is irrelevant to the notice of everyone in the world, it might be worth considering omitting that info.

For vocabulary, I think you're doing great. Most sentences convey their content quite well, some could use some work, but overall still good. For instance, "A so called, "Dark-wizard." has threatened" could be written less fragmented as follows, "A so-called Dark-wizard has threatened." I think the fact that they use the words "so-called" already puts emphasis on the term "Dark-wizard", and thus the additional quotes are unnecessary (also generally don't put quotation marks inside other quotation marks. Also the period in the extra quotes shouldn't be there, but it looks like a typo. Capitalize "I". And yeah! You have great imagery that paints pretty scenes, fix up a few technical issues and your writing will improve!

Anyway that's all for now, peace!
 
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Ashi

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My advise to you is to read. A lot. Reading books will help you with things like word choice and sentence structure, which I think may be your key to improving your writing. Cinn is right: I would turn on whatever spelling and grammar checking tools your browser has. If it doesn't have that, use a document writing and editing program like Microsoft Word. If MS Word is out of the question, there are free alternatives such as Open Office and Google Docs.

With that said, I will offer insight to the best of my ability as though I was a professor of Literature. Think of it like having your essay peer-reviewed in school. I will note changes in red. I'll just use your first sample as a guide.

A bright light engulfed Nesy's line of vision, everything turned bright for a second before eventually it disappeared.
A complete sentence represents a complete thought. "A bright light engulfed Nesy's line of vision" and "everything turned bright for a second before eventually it disappeared" are both complete sentences on their own. When you put two complete sentences together, there should be a semicolon [ ; ] between them. So it should look like this:

* A bright light engulfed Nesy's line of vision; everything turned bright for a second before eventually it disappeared.

He squinted his eyes to a blinding sunlight, waking up to find himself laying on a haystack while he faced the clear sky. So...Blue. His aching head registered the thought, as if his brain didn't recognize the color "Blue" for a moment.
Try to avoid repetitive words unless you are trying to stress the importance of a certain detail. You noted the clear sky and that it's blue in the character's thought. Therefore, you don't need to emphasize the color in quotations. Instead, you might write it like this:

* He squinted his eyes to a blinding sunlight, waking up to find himself laying on a haystack facing the clear sky. So...Blue. His aching head registered the thought, as if his brain didn't recognize the color for a moment.

Notice that "while he faced" is now "facing." This is because it is in the same part of the sentence as "waking" and is not separated by a comma. The verb-tense should be the same.

His eyes readjusted to see people doing their usual business on the streets, it's a normal thing but the streets looked older. As if he went back in time or something.
Again, you have more than one complete thought put together in one sentence; but this time, you have an incomplete thought stuck on the end of it. The best way to correct this is to separate the complete thoughts in their own sentences with the incomplete thought attached by a comma to the complete thought it is related to. So, try something like:

*His eyes readjusted to see people doing their usual business on the streets. It was a normal thing; but the streets looked older, as if he went back in time or something.

Notice that "It's" is now "it was." That is because the contraction it's is usually meant as the shortening of "it is," which can create confusion. "It is" is present tense where as "looked older" is past tense. This prevents verb-tense confusion. Be mindful of this when using contractions.

"...The medieval times?" He processed the thought while he walked through them while seeing rows of buildings that had rocky roofs, some covered in hay.
My only correction here would be, again, the repetitive use of words and the need for a comma. You really only need one instance of "while" there. You might try:

*"...The medieval times?" He processed the thought while he walked through them, seeing rows of buildings that had rocky roofs, some covered in hay.

You might wonder about that comma when you already had one after "rocky roofs." It's okay to have more than one comma in a sentence in such an instance as long as you don't have more than three. If you have more than three commas, one of them should probably be a semicolon or a period so you don't make a run-on sentence.

With that said, when you have two complete sentences that don't share a thought, they have no business being put together. They should be separated by a period as normal.

"What a strange place..." He uttered to himself, people glancing at the 18-17 year old dude who walked in a rather abnormal way, some of the hay sticked to his clothes.
"He uttered to himself" and "people glancing at the 18-17 year old dude.." are separate thoughts that aren't related. Try instead:

*"What a strange place..." He uttered to himself. People glanced at the 18-17 year old dude who walked in a rather abnormal way, some of the hay stuck to his clothes.

Keep verb-tense in mind when changing sentence structure.

He seemed completely lost, unaware of this completely unfamiliar world but at least he recognized the difference between a different buildings, residential areas. Nesy knew what to expect in a medieval world, but...In this? He had absolutely no idea where he was but only to understand he ended up here by unexplainable reasons.
On the note of word repetition, when you want to convey the same idea with a different word, try using a thesaurus to find synonyms. You can say "but" without having to use the word so much. Try alternatives like "although" or "however" to add variety to your sentence structure. When you do use them, you put a semicolon before and a comma after. You might have written:

*He seemed completely lost, unaware of this completely unfamiliar world; however, at least he recognized the difference between the different buildings and residential areas. Nesy knew what to expect in a medieval world, but in this? He had absolutely no idea where he was, only that he ended up here by inexplicable reasons.

The last sentence had a few too many words, making it cluttered. The character had no idea but understood how he ended up there. "Idea" and "understanding" are similar in this context enough that you can get away with using only one of them. You could say that he had no idea where he was but had an idea how he got there, right? Consider adding a comma and removing and rearranging a little to make the sentence flow more smoothly.

In the end, it all comes down to sentence structure and word choice. Spelling is easily overlooked as long as the words and structure around it give enough context clues as to what you mean. I will let the last example speak for itself.

It was like in the books in the modern world but less dirty with more better lifestyle characteristics. At least he didn't get executed but the only distinct thing here were his clothes. Nesy didn't notice that residents gave him funny looks, a foreigner? It was an interesting sight for people while others didn't mind much because they had other business to attend. He smelled sweetness in the air with savoury flavour into it, there was food around here? The auroma of the air carried a lot of unexplainable smells that his nose just couldn't bare to register. "Okay, so there's a lot of food." He noted in his mind while he continued to explore through the vast streets filled with unknown individuals. His readjusting eyes couldn't really make up what was around him due to being too bright to see.
*It was like in the books in the modern world, albeit less dirty and with better lifestyle characteristics. At least he didn't get executed, though the only things distinguishing him from others here were his clothes. Nesy didn't notice that residents gave him funny looks. A foreigner, perhaps? It was an interesting sight for some, while others didn't pay him much mind because they had other business to attend. He smelled sweetness in the air with savory flavor in it. There was food around here? The air carried a lot of strange aromas that his nose just couldn't bear to register. "Okay, so there's a lot of food." He noted in his mind while he continued to explore the vast streets filled with unknown individuals. His readjusting eyes couldn't really make up what was around him due to it being too bright to see.

That's about all I have to offer. Your writing is already very good, so I hope this helped! All the best!
 
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CelvestianNesy

Edgebabby
Original poster
Invitation Status
Look for groups, Looking for partners
Online Availability
In summer breaks: 8-9PM to 2-3AM. (UTC)
Writing Levels
Adaptable
Preferred Character Gender
Male
Awesome guys, thanks for your advice. Really helps me to understand what to improve.