I was abused. It's destroying my life.

[RebirthSurrender]

I've sought help, let me state that first... I've been abused since I was small, physically, mentally, emotionally abused. if it wasn't by my mother it was by people around me. I've never had true friends who really care about me or who I am or where I'm going, I've never had people support me and say 'you can do this' or 'we're proud of you' it was always 'that's all you did?' 'you can do better' 'im ashamed of you' 'you'll never amount to anything'

this emotional and physical abuse has effected me by leaving me in a constant state of 'gray' area. Yes, I've tried killing myself in the past, ended up in a hospital because of it. I'm not thikning or planning suicide right now but there isn't a single day where I wake up and go "Im happy to be alive" nope, it's always "Why do I exist, what is the purpose...should I even crawl out of bed anymore... should I even leave my room... what should I even do with my life...'

I am suicidal. No. Am I planning anything? No. Am I a risk to myself ? No. But I do want to die. Daily. I don't want to have to go through the painful steps of living anymore. I've thought so much about it but nothing has been able to cross me over that threshold thankfully...

What am I to do... therapy doesn't work, pills doesn't work, I can't take back my life and how it was lived. I can't take back the words she said, or control the feelings I have. All of these


25 Signs You Grew Up Experiencing Emotional Abuse

100% me. Every single point. I need help from people who aren't there getting paid to help out... I just ... I don't know what to do anymore.

I keep pushing friends away because I'm afraid to lose them. I'm afraid to get hurt so I force them to leave, I do things that are self destructive in nature like maxing out credit cards or doing things that I know I'll regret because hey 'I won't be alive much longer anyway."


Help. This is a cry for help. Not for someone to say "OMFG THIS PERSON ON THE INTERNET IS GONNA KILL THEMSELVES OMG" that's not help. And no I'm not. I'm no where close to killing myself, I've been there before, and I don't want to go there again. This is a cry for help, it's me reaching out to get any advice I can to help me out.

please don't suggest therapy, I've been to MULTIPLE therapists. Multiple people to get help, and still, this is what happens. They don't help, they give me pills, they give me unhelpful information 'forget it happened' and shit.


I don't know what to do now. I'm an adult who experienced child abuse and didn't know that all of my issues, all of the problems I had all boiled down to the things I was told not to tell anyone that they were happening, because no one would care.

 

[junebug]

The best advice I can offer you, as a person who's also been through mental and emotional abuse, is to never give up hope. It's tough, yes, I won't deny that, but never give up. Always have faith. Wake up, look at yourself in the mirror, put your hands on your hips, smile, and say "Today will be a better day than yesterday." And if it's not?

You can always try again tomorrow.

Something that my therapist suggested I do is after the end of each day, write down five accomplishments that happened, no matter how big or small. Finished your homework? Write that down. Brushed your teeth? Write that down. Anything can amount to something, but only if you make it.

Combat those voices in your head, whenever they tell you you're not good enough, fight back and say "I am good enough" because you are and you don't deserve what you've gone through and you most definitely don't deserve the crap your [previous] therapists have been giving you.

And last but not least, my favorite from Dr. Wayne Dyer, "There are two rules for living in harmony. Don't sweat the small stuff... It's all small stuff."

 

[Lusterine]

One thing that has helped me, personally, are self-affirmations [I've always felt silly standing in front of a mirror, but eventually I begin to accept what I say is true, because it is.] and, as @Kit Kat said, list of accomplishments. Changing your mindset seems daunting, but once you really begin to make the change, it will change your life.

I do not know you personally, but it sounds like you need change. Whether that is a change in location, appearance (like hair) change in jobs/studies, starting something new, something that you can define as you are now is very powerful. Like you said, you cannot take back anything in the past, but you can change tomorrow.

You deserve to know peace, love, and joy. No one should ever take that away from you, and I am very sorry that they have.

 

[Vars]

I'm on a phone so apologies for brevity, but this post really really helped me, so try giving it a read:
I just don't care about myself. • r/getdisciplined

the first comment

 

[RebirthSurrender]

Thank you all. I appreciate you reading and taking the time to talk to me here. At this point I'm a little more calm than before, I was reacting emotionally to something that happened and thankfully it's over for the moment, calm before the storm if you will. (Not meant to be an Irma joke. I'm not that cruel... I feel for every one who is experiencing that right now... truely. )

But agian, thank you. I will check out that link from You Var

 

[Reina]

It's really sad when the ones meant to protect us, those that are supposed to be closest to us, those meant to be there through thick and thin, turn out to be the ones that cause the most damage and the most pain. No one should ever have to experience such betrayal and abuse from those that are supposed to love you unconditionally. And if you were never told, I am sorry that you had to experience such things in your life.

I am not a therapist nor do I carry a degree in any type of counseling specialty. So take the good and throw away the bad.

Just know, that life IS worth living. There is so much more to life than pain and sadness. This world is beautiful and not everyone out there is going to hurt you. I can't pretend to know what you are going through or feeling on a daily basis but I do know what its like to push people away because 'hey, if they're not there then they can't hurt me.' It was the worst thing I could do. I isolated myself due to the pain of my past and I could not form healthy friendships because of it and I felt alone, a lot. I felt as if I had no one. Then I met someone that came into my life unexpectedly and I let her in. Was I terrified? Yes, absolutely. Did I want to stay terrified and lonely? No. That made the difference. I took a chance. She's my bestest friend now. Do I still struggle sometimes with our relationship because of my fears? Yes. And that's ok. I may always have a lingering thought in the back of my head but I chose not to allow that to take over my life.

Now, what I have experienced pales in comparison to what you have described. But what I can advise is NOT to isolate yourself. Find like minded people that enjoy the same things you do. Join a club of some kind, a group, or a church. I know a lot of people do not appreciate spiritual things but I have found that church has truly helped me move on from the pains of my past. I have found a wonderful group that supports me and loves me, for me. They love my quirks and my sometimes brash temperament and I love them. I can count on them to be there for me. You can try to find your own equivalent. Community is important. We were never meant to be alone.

Remember, each new day is a new opportunity. Your past should not define you. You're heavily wounded and need to heal and scar. But scars aren't bad, scars are reminders that the past was very much real and that it was overcome. So wear those scars as victories of what an awesome survivor you are. Use them to grow. You shouldn't forget your past. Overcome it. Its ok to talk about it, its ok to seek help and encouragement, and to seek hope when you feel all is lost.

I hope that I helped, even in the slightest.

 

[RebirthSurrender]

Thank you. there is actually someone I met through Iwaku and she has offered me a home - she's becoming one of the best friends I've ever had. She's been there even though she doesn't need to be. And she's only a friend. I appreciate the help, truly. The words do help out a lot. Thank you for taking the time to post.

 

[Reina]

Thank you. there is actually someone I met through Iwaku and she has offered me a home - she's becoming one of the best friends I've ever had. She's been there even though she doesn't need to be. And she's only a friend. I appreciate the help, truly. The words do help out a lot. Thank you for taking the time to post.

Iwaku is a pretty awesome community. I have found some great people here, one of which I talk to all the time. I am so glad you have found someone to be there. Just don't shut her out and accept the love and help she is offering. You can do this. You CAN overcome and you WILL.

 

[RebirthSurrender]

She's offering me a family, something I've never had. She has a 4yr old daughter and is the sweetest person I know. I hope I live up to expectations of a room mate for her.

 

[SacredWarrior]

As someone who suffers from depression and has had thoughts of suicide (hell I nearly attempted it once), I definitely understand where you're coming from. Once the hand of darkness and death wraps around you, it can seem nearly impossible to escape its grasp.

But you can escape if you fight with all your might. For starters, you have to surround yourself with people who actually give a damn about you. If you have something that you enjoy doing, try joining a club or group. Flush all toxicity from your life and replace it with cleanliness. Or you can try channeling your negative thoughts into something positive like writing.

You also should try building up your self-esteem and self-worth which have most likely been destroyed because of your abuse and you have to gain back power over yourself so you won't be abused ever again. Try moving your body or challenging your mind. Martial arts and meditation can work wonders for that.

It may seem daunting and impossible now but once you take that first step, you'll know what to do. No matter how hard life beats you and tries to knock you down, just jump back up and say "This too shall pass!" You're stronger than you think. You just have to tap into your Super Saiyan potential and use the Kamehameha!

 

[MintCandyApple]

I too have grown up with abuse, all kinds of it. There have been many things I have blocked out of my mind that came about again right after I had my daughter which brought very ugly emotions and thoughts in my head. I don't remember a lot of my childhood because of these experiences, but I know how it is to feel this lost. I kept (and still have kept, except for a very small few) a lot of things to myself over my time on Earth, but I've been working on either letting things go or finding ways to express those thoughts and feelings.

Please know, even though it may not seem like it, you're meant to do something with your life. We all are. I'm still trying to figure it out myself and I do stumble along the way a lot, but it is slowly getting better. It will eventually get better for you too. I definitely back the ideas of writing down accomplishments or good things that happened in your day. I personally have found that creating a journal has helped me and at 24 it took me a long time to figure it out. Who knows, maybe in a year I'll need to find another thing, but the best part about it is it gives you a daily routine, even for just 15 minutes.

I am very happy you found such a good friend here, I hope everything goes well for you, you deserve it.