I need help

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Xander95, Dec 3, 2014.

  1. It has been two months since my gf left me and I am still having a hard time building my self confidence to ask someone else. No matter how hard I try to approach someone, I get scared and back off. And when I do manage to approach them and get them interested I wait too long and they get snached up by someone else. It is like I just can't be with anyone. It has gotten to the point that the depression I have been trying to live with since the break up is starting to overwhelm me. I have had thoughts of committing suicide multiple time because I can't stand being alone. Yes, I have friends and family that love me but it ain't the same. I am one of those people that wants to be able to hold someone close. I want to love and be loved on a deeper level than just friendship or family relationship. I want to be able to hold someone, kiss someone, etc. I want to be able to have a relationship with someone but the only thing keeping me from it is my lack of self confidence. My ex really destroyed me and I have yet to build myself back up. Please help me before I do something I might regret. Something some people don't want me to do but I feel there is no other way out.
  2. If I may put in, you sound like you need time to heal. If you rush into a relationship so quickly after that, you might not be as happy as you were before. Being alone is hard but you need to find happiness in yourself first.
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  3. I am no relationship expert, but I'll offer my words. First things first, it's only been two months since you broke up with your girlfriend. They say time heals and I think you just need a bit more time to recover from your last relationship. Remember: Life isn't all about love and relationships. There are plenty of things you can do out there instead of trying to get into another relationship. Take things slowly and don't rush them; it isn't a competition or anything.

    You're still young (I assume, anyway). The point is, you've still got your whole life ahead of you. Why let a relationship ruin that for you? Being single doesn't necessarily mean sadness and loneliness, and being in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean happiness either. As you say, you have friends and family. So you aren't alone. Be grateful for that as some people have neither of those.
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  4. Honestly, mate, two months really isn't all that much, it's been over a year since my girlfriend left me and I still struggle to get over it; and I didn't even get the chance to be intimate with her, it was strictly a long distance relationship. It's painful to be alone, yes, believe me, I understand; but rushing into a relationship simply because you hate being alone is not gonna help you any. You need to take the time to look back at what went wrong with your previous relationship and learn from it, so that you may apply it to next time. I would also advise that you don't just ask out the first girl you see, think about your options, find the person that is best suited for you and that you can tolerate as a friend and not just as a cuddle buddy or whatnot. In my opinion, the number one reason why relationships fail is because people put too much emphasis on passion and not enough on compassion, I made that same mistake myself and that's why my relationship failed.
  5. If you can't stand to be alone, you shouldn't worry about entering a relationship because, and I'm going to be blunt; I don't think you should be in one right now. A healthy relationship is two people enhancing each other's happiness by sharing it. Of course there will be ups and downs in which one party will support the other, but that shouldn't be the base and start of the relationship. Starting off like that makes dependence a concept of normalcy, which does nothing to fix your confidence and cause stress and possibly guilt for your partner.

    Look, I know a break-up can affect your self image, but I get the impression (and tell me if I'm wrong) your happiness previously relied on being with your ex. You don't want to repeat that mistake. I know finding someone new might seem like an easy fix, but if you want to be strong in the long run you'll need to build that confidence the hard way. Don't rely on other people to fix that for you; go start a project or hobby. Set out goals for you to accomplish. Think parkour or kung fu is really cool? No better time than the present to start practising. Not only will it take your mind off shit, but if you discipline yourself to work hard you will achieve something you've always wanted to do. As such, you'll gain confidence. I personally recommend something physical, because exercise is good for the mind as well as the body in and of itself, but you could also do something like get people together to organise a big event. Successfully organising a local concert or art show can give you a lot of satisfaction.

    The only person who can ultimately deal with this is you. So don't stand still and wallow in sadness, get of your ass and do something. I say this all with the best of intentions. If you want to be happy (and eventually have a good partner in life) you have to work at it, cause nothing conveniently falls into our laps.
    #5 Kestrel, Dec 4, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2014
  6. I have to agree with the lovely people above me. A healthy relationship is built when two people come together who don't have to rely on each other to be happy. You can't truly bring anything positive to a new relationship if you aren't first happy yourself. I suggest taking this time to rediscover what you love to do, rediscover the type of person you are. Two months is not enough time in my opinion. As for the suicidal thoughts - I suggest speaking to someone like a close friend or even a therapist. There is ALWAYS another way - you have to be brave and be strong.
  7. There are things I am wanting to do. I am trying to finish a book I have been writing. I have also been wanting to try parkour. And from what you guys have said, I now see that I did base my happiness off of being with my ex. Earlier today I got a response from her about a message I sent her and feel like I just got the closure I was needing. I feel now I can go on with my life. It will be hard being alone but I will get through it. Now just to clarify. I don't ask the first girl I see. I analyze them first. I am one of those people that read others and I use that skill to find my next mate. There has already been girls in the last two months that I had my eyes on but they got snatched up by my friends. Ah well, right? That happens but I guess I will just have to live with it.
  8. Want to know the secret to love?

    Love is happiness shared. If you have no happiness to share, you have no love to give someone else. Before you can seek outward for mutual pleasures with another, you have to look inward and heal your heart. Relationships are like bridges standing on two pillars: Yourself, and the other person. If one of you has to lean on the other, it increases the stress, and the bridge will subsequently be unstable, before eventually collapsing.

    So, before you can start another, healthy, mutually beneficial relationship...

    ...You have to find your own happiness, first. Your own strength. Your own solidarity.

    Not only will you feel better about yourself, but you'll be in a better position to help someone you care about when they need you.
  9. When you do become fit to step out on the market again, don't be afraid to do that 'analysis' through interaction. It's a little scary, sure, but just talking to someone or heck, even going onto a date or two, doesn't mean you're pledging yourself to them for a till death do us part-vow. Just be honest about it; you're hanging out with them because they seem nice and you want to get to know them a little better. If there's a click, see if it's something you want to pursue. If not, no harm done and be on your way. It's a far more time-efficient way to get to know someone if you dare to approach people, rather than observing them for two months. A little more risky, perhaps, but if you learn to love yourself before that, rejection won't hurt nearly as much as you imagine it would now. Especially because you won't have spent so much time building up anticipation.

    But again, work on yourself first.
  10. You have soooo much free time to do all the things you want to do...NO STRINGS ATTACHED.

    The world is your oyster!!!

    Now is the time to rise up and explore anything and everything you can. None of us are born strong, we all have to find our own strength or else the ones we love cannot rely of us. When you are strong, you attract the strong and I don't mean just physically, it takes a lot to grow a strong mind. So don't look at this as the end.

    It's far from it, This is your beginning, this is were you start to build you and who you want to be and not based around anyone else's life...getting in touch with yourself is Crucial to the human experience. Don't deprive yourself of you, relish in this time, take it and be selfish, define...you.