I Just Want Someone to Know

[Mundane Monster]

Sharing's never been my thing.

 

[York]

Advice from a veteran (sorta);, I'd suggest holding out... Despite how horrible things seem to be, things tend to change drastically, sometimes for the worse before leaning towrads the better, but remember; things don't get better because life goes easier on you... Things get better because you build up more a more resistance towards the things life throws at you. Alot of this may be hard to believe, or seem impossible at the time, but like Rose from the Titanic said "Never let go." or at the very least, try your best not to. It's just my two cents here but, if you need to talk, I'll be sticking around as much as I can.

 

[Hope]

I am going to kill myself on Tuesday. Or maybe Monday, because I'll probably skip school. Who knows?

I don't know if I'm depressed or insane, but I know I want to do it and I've been wanting to do so for awhile. I am a liar, a freak, and I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I suffer from anxiety, I get scared about everything. I can't find any inspiration, I don't even know what I should major in anymore.

And even if I did major in what I wanted to, what the hell would I even do with an art major? Make money? With what? I'm a soft spoken, black girl with no money and no connections. I've never left North America and I've never done anything worthwhile. I can't find my own style and everything I do is generic.

I hate working, and I don't know how to do anything. I lost all my friends. I can't stand talking to people and my only friend, my mother, is going to die.

She has cancer and it looks worse everyday. So before she can leave me, I'm going to leave her.

My father doesn't care about me or anything I do.

My brother is a self centered ass wipe. He can be sweet at times, but most of the time he's so self centered, selfish and rude.

The one time I tried to speak to a therapist my lying got in the way and he thought all of my problems attributed to my father.

Religion is not a thing for me. My mom's Muslim, I've been raised to be a somewhat non practicing Muslim, but I honestly don't give a crap about it. The only slightly religious thing I believe in is reincarnation.

Ever since I found out about being reincarnation, I've wanted to be reborn as a cat or maybe even a dog.

Even if reincarnation doesn't exist, and I go to hell for ending my life early, at least it will all be over.

So, I just wanted to say this because I'm too scared to say it to my mom or my brother.

I tried to think of things to live for and I can only come up with my cat. But she'll be fine, my mom will take care of her per the request I leave in my note. Or if she can't she can just drop her off at the local vet.

I feel so shitty for just dropping everything, but I'm impatient and I just can't do this anymore.

Or who knows? Maybe this is a mood swing and when I wake up tomorrow I'll rush to my computer and delete this post. But I'm leaning towards ending it.

It sounds to me like you need to find purpose in your life. Something deeper than a major, or a career. If you're interested I'd love to talk to you about it. However, you have to want it. You need to have the desire, and the will to push on. Nobody can make you. I, for one, hope you decide its worth it to stick around.

 

[DawnsLight]

Hey there. I don't normally post much any more, but I just couldn't let this go, not after knowing about it. It sounds like you have a lot of really heavy, emotional, frustrating things going on in your life right now and it's kind of understandable that you just want to escape all of it and not be troubled any more. Really, I get it because I've felt the same way many times. I think a lot of us have.

But committing suicide... that's a big deal. Like a really big deal, and you shouldn't have to feel that way, like it's the only way out. Chances are, you're not posting this as a good bye or something for those loved ones that you can't quite bring yourself you tell about your pain in person. If that were the case, there are better places to leave that than someplace they aren't likely to ever find or know about. So that means that you really, in your heart of hearts, don't want to really do this. You're looking for a place to vent and maybe to talk about what's bothering you and to call attention to how you're feeling. Some people will call it crying for attention, and in a way they might be right, but it's also smart. You need to talk about this. To vent and get it off your chest. It's healthy and it's just what you need to stay grounded right now in what seems like a very stressful time.

You're not alone, your problems aren't insurmountable but they're also not insignificant. They're real problems, causing you real pain. So, I want to offer an ear to listen, an eye to read if you just want to rant and rave and get it out there. But I'm not a professional, and I don't know exactly how much help I can really give. But there's this: really every hotline under the sun for any avenue of contact that will make you feel most comfortable. Whatever gets you talking to someone who can listen and help you to stop feeling so overwhelmed. Again, that link is http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/wiki/USA

Please call and talk to someone, scream if you want, cry if you want, just call and sit silently with another human being on the end of the line. There's even a chat if being on the phone seems like too much. Just make contact, okay? They're nice and they listen and they don't belittle you or make you feel silly no matter what you do. For real, trust me.

I hope things get better for you. I hope you rise above this to make a positive impact. Getting help is hard, sometimes it even seems harder than the original problem, but it is so, so worth it.

 

[Hatsune Candy]

I've lost count of how many times my friend was set on committing suicide, but managed to change her mind; half the time it was because I knocked some sense into her, I'm pretty good at that. But I'll tell you what, if you're that determined to go through with it, I won't try to stop you, because I know I can't stop you. However, I do ask you to take some time to really think about it first. Is this really what you want? I know from personal experience that you never want to be so quick to make such drastic decisions, especially ones like this where you won't be around to realize your mistake; trust me on this. Of course, for all I know, this has been mulling around in your head for some time now. Either way, there are plenty of people willing to listen and talk to you, take me for instance. I'm willing to listen to anything you have to say. I mean, who knows? I might be able to offer some good advice, I've been suffering from depression for nearly two years now, there's bound to be something in that field that I can help you with. And if it turns out that all you need is just a friend to talk to, I'm more than willing to offer that too. I could really use one myself right now, if I'm honest.

 

[Fijoli]

Hey Teacup, ~Hugs~

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I have somethings to share in hopes that, you will reconsider.

I am a 26 yr old artist with no major or degree. I have no schooling beyond high school. I hated the thought of my art to be for a job. I wanted it to be for me...I wanted it to be mine alone, My special way to express me and give it freely to the world, to friends, family. I had these feelings when everyone around me hounded me to go to college...that I would be 'wasting" my talent if I didn't go. This weight was so heavy that it destroyed my confidence, I thought why am I even doing any of this. Why do I even try, and this continues today, the way I am, and how I am...is not liked by everyone and there are times that I am a 'disappointment' to someone. I am sensitive and emotional. I feel things deeply and lose myself. I have come to call this the Artisan Triad because in my head I came to grips with this emotional cycle I was having...I noticed a pattern in my behaviors that made me who I am and embraced them, it took me a while to learn how this effected others.

Enough about me though, I just wanted to share myself with you so that you know how not alone you really are, that you have evoked a sensitive feeling in me, of memories and emotions. so that I can tell you that you too are sensitive and emotional, You too, feel deeply and right now you are losing yourself, and this makes you more powerful than you realize.

Please Don't do it. Stay with us. Stay here and live so that you can share your suffering with us, so that we do not have to suffer alone. Stay here and live this life you get and persevere with us through it all.

Be brave and push through it, I believe in you Princess

Why?

Because you can, because you are the Princess of Fucking Teacups! Stay here with Iwaku and continue to be a part of us, we are growing and your art can reach others.
because you already are a part of us
because you feel the urge to die is all the more reason to live, to fight back, to take control and channel that deep feeling and create something out of it for the whole world
because you are an artist, you have the ability to create and express these heavy emotions
because what you do has an impact on those around you
because people do care
because because because without you we have no princess of the teacups...and that makes me feel very sad!

I love you Teacup <3
Everything will be alright​

 

[daird]

I may be the new guy here, but I couldn't let this go.

Teacup, stay with us. This life may seem crappy, but there's good things too. Think about all the things you'll miss. Think about how your mother will feel. Stay for her, if for no one else.

And remember, we're here for you too. I've been in some dark places myself, and while I can't say that life is perfect, I can say that it's worth living.

 

[Whimsy]

We can create the most absurdly fun RP where everything is dictated by your imagination and follows your wishes. :) I struggle with dark thoughts too, but fantasy and escapism can be a great medicine.

 

[Kestrel]

Informing others of your feelings is a sign that part of you wants to live. If you had no desire to, there would be no meaning to informing a third party. So keep that in mind before making any permanent decisions.

If you have issues being up-front with a therapist, write down what you want to say beforehand and give it to them ahead of your appointment.

If you feel you can't do something, figure out why not and change that. Are you shy? Try approaching random people on the street or bus and make small talk. Not everyone will appreciate it, sure, but it's not about people-pleasing, it's about your growth as a person. Once you get more comfortable with approaching strangers, maybe go for a busier spot, like night-life. Dance with someone, approach a couple people at a bar and have a beer with them. Will it be hard? Probably, but hardly anything worthwhile comes easy.

Think your art is generic? Work on your fundamentals instead of trying to be unique. Skill will carry you a lot further than so-called originality, because at some point you will realise either everything is original, or nothing is. Also there are so many resources and communities online, you could probably work at it even if you choose not to dedicate your college years to it.

Etcetera.

Happiness isn't something that falls into your lap, it's something you gotta work for. I believe a lot of your issues come from a lack of confidence, not being happy with who you are and being very sensitive to how people around you think of you. So work on yourself, take things one step at the time, but set clear goals. You will manage to grow, your confidence will increase and so will your ability to deal with stuff. Remove your need to lie, remove your need to feel anxious, by becoming someone you actually like.

Maybe not the nicest post you'll get in this thread, but gender stereotypes dictate I hide my inability to talk about feelings by attempting to give practical advice.

One last thing,

So before she can leave me, I'm going to leave her.

I don't want to sound like a Christian-reformation camp and it's good you express what you think, but fuck. Think about the implication you're making here. Is that really how you feel?

 

[Diana]

I am going to go the opposite route than the support stuff, and tell you that you're being an asshole and if you killed yourself you would be the biggest dick on the planet.

I am also someone who has to deal with thoughts of suicide, as a lot of people here on the site have. Sometimes life really sucks ass and you can't feeling the things you feel. It really, really sucks. ;_; There have been days where I could not even motivate myself to get out of bed. I also know what it feels like to have lost someone to suicide, and how that affected me and everyone I knew.

Threatening to kill yourself and then actually doing it... Do you know how that will affect the people that know you? Your friends and your family? You will DESTROY their lives. Sure, your pain will be gone. But for the people that knew you, they will live on for many years wondering what they did wrong. Feeling guilty and terrible. They'll mourn you and miss you. Some of them will also become depressed and wrapped up in those feelings of loss and guilt. They too might start thinking about suicide and wondering why they even bother to keep going. That legacy you left will keep on going and it's not going to be a positive one.

Suicide is a selfish thing to do. If you can't seem to find one single person or passion to live for, at least live for the people that care about you and would be destroyed if you were gone.

If you don't have one of those, FIND ONE.

 

[Immortal_Beloved]

I am going to have to agree with Diana. Suicide is a selfish way to go. You leave behind loved ones who don't have the answers they desire, the main one being why. You say you've lost all your friends but look at the people writing to you, offering you advice. They care. Your mom would care. She's going through something right now where she needs you. If you feel you have no motivation, be her motivation. Her strength.
My mom has cancer too, I don't know how long she has, she doesn't even recognize me at times....even as upsetting as it may be I am still going to move forward and you should too. No one said life would be easy. We have to take it as it comes, find what makes us happy as well as do the best we can.

 

[Jargo]

Why do I feel like this is just another teenager making a fatal-like post in order to attract attention and sympathy... Look around you, everyone else is fighting their own daemons, that's just how the world is.

 

[Sidhe]

Why do I feel like this is just another teenager making a fatal-like post in order to attract attention and sympathy... Look around you, everyone else is fighting their own daemons, that's just how the world is.

If someone is hurting enough to reach out like this, then there is a serious problem that needs to be addressed. Are people who do this looking for attention? Probably. I did. You need attention when you feel that low. It's not a bad thing. Sometimes you need someone to fucking listen to you. You need someone to help, even if it's just telling you that you're worth it. If you feel like no one else will listen to you, then you post somewhere public, like this. It's not ideal, but when you're on the brink, you get desperate - especially when you don't actually want to die.

Let's not demonize people suffering from mental illnesses for trying to 'attract attention and sympathy,' especially not teenagers who are hurting and don't know what else to do. Depression and mental illness aren't invalid just because you're still a teenager.

 

[Disgruntled Goat]

Why do I feel like this is just another teenager making a fatal-like post in order to attract attention and sympathy... Look around you, everyone else is fighting their own daemons, that's just how the world is.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a little attention every once in the while.

 

[Mundane Monster]

@york @Hope @DawnsLight @Hatsune Candy @Fijoli @daird @Whimsy @Kestrel @Diana @Immortal_Beloved @Fauna @Disgruntled Goat


Thanks for all the advice and support and other...comments.

I'm not going to kill myself but I am coming to the conclusion that there is something wrong with me mentally for even thinking of suicide as an option. Bipolar disorder and personality disorders do run in my family actually, so I should probably check that out.

On the subject of the lack of purpose in my life and the sucky major thing, I've decided to just switch to general studies and see how that turns out.

I talked to my mother about the suicide thing and at the moment we're not addressing the situation.

Anyway thanks a bunch for the support and even the insults, and if someone could delete this thread that'd be great.

 

[Kitty]

I am going to go the opposite route than the support stuff, and tell you that you're being an asshole and if you killed yourself you would be the biggest dick on the planet.

I am also someone who has to deal with thoughts of suicide, as a lot of people here on the site have. Sometimes life really sucks ass and you can't feeling the things you feel. It really, really sucks. ;_; There have been days where I could not even motivate myself to get out of bed. I also know what it feels like to have lost someone to suicide, and how that affected me and everyone I knew.

Threatening to kill yourself and then actually doing it... Do you know how that will affect the people that know you? Your friends and your family? You will DESTROY their lives. Sure, your pain will be gone. But for the people that knew you, they will live on for many years wondering what they did wrong. Feeling guilty and terrible. They'll mourn you and miss you. Some of them will also become depressed and wrapped up in those feelings of loss and guilt. They too might start thinking about suicide and wondering why they even bother to keep going. That legacy you left will keep on going and it's not going to be a positive one.

Suicide is a selfish thing to do. If you can't seem to find one single person or passion to live for, at least live for the people that care about you and would be destroyed if you were gone.

If you don't have one of those, FIND ONE.

I am going to have to agree with Diana. Suicide is a selfish way to go. You leave behind loved ones who don't have the answers they desire, the main one being why. You say you've lost all your friends but look at the people writing to you, offering you advice. They care. Your mom would care. She's going through something right now where she needs you. If you feel you have no motivation, be her motivation. Her strength.

My mom has cancer too, I don't know how long she has, she doesn't even recognize me at times....even as upsetting as it may be I am still going to move forward and you should too. No one said life would be easy. We have to take it as it comes, find what makes us happy as well as do the best we can.

As much as I know you are saying things to help, and I know you are doing this out of the kindness of your heart (because little Diana Owl would NEVER do something to spite someone :P) I really disagree with this perspective and I just have to speak up. I'm sure you'll understand.

The only reason I say this is because this is what my family did to me when I was feeling suicidal. "How dare you try and leave me? You are selfish for even daring to think, daring to try that! Look at all the people who care, look at all the people who love you. Why would you even try that?" And you know what went through my head when I heard that? Selfish, you're selfish, you're selfish, you're selfish. How dare you think? How dare you act? I should be living for others, but you're greedy. Look at all the air you're breathing, look at all the space you're taking, look at all the harm you do. To everyone, everyone! Look how mad she is! You're selfish for living! Wait, no you're selfish for dying! Both. You are selfish for both. You're greedy for daring to think, or say, or act, or be. You're greedy for it all.
And that did not make it better, because you come to the point where if both living and dying are selfish, then why not chose the one where you won't have to feel anymore?
In fact, that thinking doesn't help even a little bit in recovery. Because the whole living in guilt thing, the whole living in shame thing, the whole forcing someone to live for someone else is the reason why most of us are in this mess! We can't live up to the expectations that others put on us, and eventually we put on ourselves. The point is learning that, you know what, I am my priority. No Liz, I can't help you on your essay tonight, because that's not my priority right now. Maybe next time. Sorry I haven't replied to that RP yet tonight, it's not my priority right now. I mean, it's alright to let people down a little, because you are your own priority. Of course you need the skills to know what you NEED (Mental stability, clothes, shelter, food, water, healthy relationships, exercise, pleasure in doing these things.) and what you want (That new supersmash bros. Amirite?) but people in these situations can have an extremely hard time living for themselves instead of for other people.
My point is, saying abrasive words like "You'll be the biggest dick on the planet" may actually make them feel worse, and could tip someone already on the edge, off that edge. (It did for me.)

Because if we are going to talk about selfishness, in reality, those people who love and care for that mentally ill person are being selfish by making said person suffer through life for their own sake. So it goes both ways, and neither way is helpful for those with suicidal tendencies.

Though love and kindness is all great, I think the most important thing for people that are suicidal is that they are able to speak with professionals. Professionals do one thing most people don't, and that is listen while promoting positive behavior without actually giving that much advice. Rather, in my experience, they repeat things back to you and have meaningful conversation in which they let you open up your mind to think positively and realistically about your own situation. With help of medication, or non-medication mood enhancers, this really can help rewire your brain to a happier life. And, as always, make you realize that recovery is possible. <3

 

[Astaroth]

Thread is locked now by request of @Princess of the Teacup

Glad you're being proactive and getting help, Teacup. Everyone else, move along.