I just need to get this off my chest.

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Delnoir, May 22, 2010.

  1. I've got to be honest. I'm not in a good place right now. I haven't been in a good place for several months now, something that I think I can attribute to my declining activity.

    My relationship with my mother has been deteriorating for years. Its gotten much worse in past weeks ever since my uncle became homeless. He's living in the park now wasting away his money with booze. I'm not really close to him so it doesn't really affect me except for the fact its starting to warp my mother pretty significantly. She wastes no time comparing me to him. Telling me I'm gonna end up just like him. About two weeks ago she woke me up in the morning by beating the shit out of me over a can of tuna fish. I used a whole can on one sandwich. I'm not supposed to do that but I did anyway. Not the first time I've done it. Not the first time I've gotten caught either. She defines me doing it over and over as lying and sneaking even though I don't deny the fact that I did what I did. I've even tried offering to pay for the can. It doesn't do anything to calm her down. So ultimately our relationship is based on us staying away from one another and only being pleasant when she needs something from me. Other than that she takes subtle verbal jabs at me at the most mild forms of irritation. Its gotten to the point I've stopped caring what she thinks of me.

    My workplace won't give me any hours. That's been fun. Here I am looking to try to escape my house and move out and I can't get any money to do so. I've been busting my ass and all it takes is calling in sick for one day to ruin it. My assistant manager is a bitch like that. I've even gone so far as for looking for work elsewhere. Nothing has happened in three months on that playing field
    As I type this I'm looking up at my best friend playing World of Warcraft. Which besides sleeping, eating, and working is all he ever does anymore. I haven't seen him do much of anything else for several months now. Its my fault to boot seeing as I convinced him to try it. He'll stay up until 7:30 am to play it and I can't help but feel like a horrible monster for what I've done to him. I want to move out and get an apartment from him but I can't get him away from the game long enough to do anything. And even if I could he won't go somewhere he can take his annoying as fuck yappy dog who he ignores so long as he's playing WoW.

    Things are made more complex by the fact that I'm being pressured to do something with myself and I've absolutely no clue what it is. I can't find any sort of passion for much of anything nowadays. Even the video games I take to like a drug addict to crack are starting to lose their shine. I'm running out of ways to take my mind off my problems. Its starting to consume me.

    These things are starting to take a very heavy emotional toll on me. I'll lay in bed for an hour after my alarm has gone off because I don't even want to get up and face the day. My mother is constantly chipping way in breaking my spirit, deliberate or not. My workplace doesn't want to give me hours but won't fire me or suggest I look elsewhere for work. I feel as though its my fault my friend has become a World of Warcraft zombie. I can't move out of my house under these circumstances. I'm stuck taking emotional damage from my mother. My father, sister, and most of my friends know I need to get away from her and know that I have no way of doing so. I'm fairly certain that I'm suffering from clinical depression at this point. I feel completely and utterly trapped right now with no way out.
     
  2. Some people flourish through the family and some people are defined in its absence.

    Get the hell out of there.

    And keep looking for work. There's managers out there who take a chance on people. My manager gave me a job because everyone else who applied had a marketing degree and she hates salesmen. There's exceptions and eccentricities that can bring good things.

    Same with friends - there are some who want to sit in their own shit and fill a hole with a video game. And there are some who know they have to get out. Find the right one and talk about getting a place together. Just taking charge of something like that can recharge your energy. I did the very same thing - picked up some emotional cripples, got them drunk, then forced them into making life-changing decisions. You're just as forceful and deluded as I am, so I reckon you've got the personality to do it.


    Breaking from the family and becoming an adult is never pretty for the Iwaku kind of people. Just cross the threshold, even if you have to hate yourself or feel like a twat when you do it.
     
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  3. Im not to sure what to say when it comes to all the differene levels of what is going on. Im not one to just assume I can fix eveything since well.. Im just holding myself together with some outdated but still tacky-ducktape.

    Um.. I do want to offer this. Ive been and well still have very dark, dark days but when it comes down to it. A lot of times I force myself to press on and Ive taken on the attitude that "You think Im shit.. well fuck you, watch this" Its crude, but it works. My mom told me a long time ago Fake it till you can make it* and well. I have.

    Most days I just roll with it. Life is crazy ass complicated and expensive. Just try to find help for the big things. If you feel your not safe look into a local church or shelter. They might help with food, clothing and shelter. Um.. food banks and even the Goodwill and salvation army can help. I know it sounds maybe lame or whatever, but Ive been there.. and Ive done a lot to 'survuive' but at some point you have to want to thrive okay. Help yourself.. put you first and remember.. they wont change.. they are what they are.

    You have to look out for you. Its not easy, or fast or fun. But its worth it. Your happiness is whats most important. If you need anything please drop me a pm. and If Im way off and wrong okay too.. Just know that reaching out takes guts and Im here.
     
  4. Aim to be independent. Make it the driving force of your existence.

    Every time you try, even if you fail, brings you closer to getting the hell out of there.