I just need to get some of this out.

[Thomas McTavish]

I don't expect any advice to help me. I don't expect a reply at all. I don't even expect any of you to give half a rat's ass.

You can if you want, but you don't have to.

I just need to get this out.

Here I sit, at my computer, a restless night with a full moon in the sky. Before I got back on, I was laying in my bed tonight, staring at the ceiling, everything running through my head. And then I realized, it made me want to cry. But I couldn't. I couldn't cry. It may seem like petty, stupid issues I don't need to be bitching about, but they're stressing the fuck out of me. I have lived with my mom for the whole of my life, no matter what house. I'm an only child. My dad is a tattoo artist, so he's never around. Haven't seen him face-to-face in god knows how long. So it's mostly just been me and my mom. We had to move in with my Grandmother for a time, couldn't afford our own place, she was kind enough to lend us a hand and let us stay there. Mom went to college to become a Pharmacy Technician so she could get a better job. Finally gets out of college, fills out countless job aps, no one hires her. Grandparents think she isn't doing enough. Eventually, shit goes down, and we get kicked out. Luckily, we have some friends we can stay with until we get back on our feet. Mom's friend, her friends husband, her friends dad, and eight kids, ranging from 18 yr. old to 8 month old, more or less 2-4 years in between each. And now I go from being only child to one of nine. And the kids drive me up the fucking wall. Some times It's all I can do not to beat their heads in with a stool. I know that's a terrible thing to say, but it's true. On top of that, I'm doing schooling online, will be going to actual school when it starts up again, the family car is a piece of shit, My girlfriend recently moved out of her mom's house and is rooming with some old friend of hers, I'm sort of worried she might be cheating on me, my dad is dying, my mom is going insane, I hear voices in my head, and because of that I can't even show my true emotions, because one of them ridicules me, pointing out my weaknesses. Physically weak, unattractive, emotionally weak, a frequent maker of stupid mistakes, gullible, etc., etc., the list goes on. Adding onto all that, in my honest opinion, I should have either been born during the times when the great poets were appreciated and people cared more about how a person felt than how they looked. Either that, or a girl. At least then I could be all emotional like I often am and not be ridiculed by everyone, including myself, save a few people who actually give a damn. But I wasn't, I'm not, and I can't. So now I'm not only literally unable to cry, I'm constantly pissed off, my mentality is running amuck and I swear if I wasn't able to come here to escape my life my assuming someone else's identity, I'd either be in prison or a mental ward.

Thank you, Iwaku, for everything.

 

[Neohmi]

Been there, I swear. Although with different circumstances, but the emotions (i.e. helplessness, frustration) are all the same.

I couldn't cry either but I was damned. Why can't I rise up above this? Why do I have to be so goddamn emotional? Why do I always need someone to take care of me when I should be strong enough? Why was I born so unlucky? How can I die without killing myself because I so wanted to? Often I was pissed at my friends for ignoring me, or not "getting it"...and stopped asking for their help.

Then one day, I just stopped beating myself up for beating myself up. I stopped hating myself for being so weak. Instead, I just accepted the fact that all these sh!t is making me feel what I feel. I ain't calling it bad and I sure ain't calling it weak because it's not; it's normal. Just because other people treat the same issues as petty, doesn't have to mean it has to be petty for you.

I'm not saying that you should automatically be okay. By all means, if you feel bad then take your time at feeling that way. No rush. All I'm saying is that this day of enlightenment will come to you sooner or later, and the stuff that's bothering you now will no longer matter. As long as it does matter, I'll be that awkward stranger who'll listen what you have to say.

This too shall pass.

 

[FishWolf]

Honestly, some days I've been caught in that same emotional rut where the only way to escape is to pretend you are someone else or to go insane. At some points in my life I think I have actually snapped, but I'm not sure because my memory fails me at times like that. Like my brain's protecting myself from whatever twisted thoughts I was thinking. I found that finding a lightening moment was getting rare, and I found myself here. Honestly, I think that if I couldn't write or draw, I would have broken a long time ago. That's why I find myself attracted to those small random things in life. Find some small quirk, a hobby that you delight in. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Thomas McTavish]

Thank you, it's nice to know I'm not the only person I've encountered who feels/has felt that they are/were going insane. To be honest, that is the main reason why I come here. To escape. I can't control my own life and it's problems, so I become someone else I can control the life of. Actually, a whole lot of other people is more like it.

 

[Sakura]

[quote="Thomas McTavish, post: 807727, member: 4534"On top of that, I'm doing schooling online, will be going to actual school when it starts up again[/quote]


I am sorry that I don't have words of solace or understanding. I probably can't say "I know what you're going" and you probably won't feel any better hearing "Hang in there, it'll get better someday."

but I do want to say that this ^, your education, struck me as the most powerful thing in your rant. I admire that you have the strength to continue studying and to plan to study, despite the children driving your crazy, your father dying, your mother's problems, and your emotional distress.

You still have a dream. Let that fuel you to keep going. Gather your emotions. If people criticize you for them, become stronger so that you can hide them. Your mom is doing her best to make a better life for you, so you should work hard to make yourself better for yourself. If you can't love the good in you, you will always feel like you're not worth anything. But for someone who is taking the time to pursue an education and hasn't given up yet, despite all of this crap, that someone has a lot to be thankful to themselves for.