... Finally went about doing that thing that everyone else and their mum has done by now. Yeah I'm late to the bandwagon, shush, but I can't afford to watch everything in theaters. I like eating food. So, obviously, for any other people somehow slower than me... Darth Vader is Luke's Father (spoiler alert), and I can't control the spoiler content anyone else might post. So, if you read through this, and you care about still going spoiler free... #1: Holy shit you must be amazing at dodging spoilers because the Internet made it hard for me to evade it this long. #2: Use those amazing powers of yours and beware any posts that follow this one. Right? Right. Okay. I don't know if anybody cares about how I feel about this film, but, hey, I want to talk about it anyway. Spoiler Free Spoilerific! It was a solid film and I enjoyed it. If I had to stick a numeric score on it, it's like... A solid 7/10. Good film. Fun film. Take your family to watch it, but remember there's violence in it, like everything else that Hollywood makes. The plot is nothing to write home about. The characters are well written and each one plays a distinct purpose in the story. The casting director nailed every single person to their role perfectly--whoever it was deserves a massive fucking raise. Especially the actor for Kylo Ren. He's like Anakin Skywalker from the prequels, but you won't want to smash your face in the wall every time his mouth opens, because the dialogue for him and the delivery of that dialogue actually works this time. Hilariously, the acting from the new actors is generally better than those of the old actors. Though I am looking forward to more of Mark Hamill. For those who care, this is probably the best way to do diversity casting I've seen Hollywood do recently. There was no emphasis whatsoever put on their gender or ethnicity--they are simply there. It's not "the black stormtrooper." It's Finn. And Finn is awesome. The action scenes are coherent, fun, and easy to follow. They're fluid and well directed. No surprise there, RedLetterMedia appropriately called that JJ Abrams would be a better director for Star Wars than Star Trek. So, why only a 7/10? Why not "oh my god I'm going to shit rainbows and praise this like it's the Dark Souls of movies?" Well. I can't really say that without spoilers. So, you know. Spoilers. The plot is really stupid. I'm sorry, it is. I don't know who is responsible for this, but the pacing in the plot is massively disjointed. For the first half of the movie, the only reason the characters do anything is largely because the plot forces them to move or die with contrived action sequences. Speaking of contrivances... Finn happens to be on the ground to see Poe being captured. Finn--a sanitation guy, as we later learn in the film--has access to the personal prisoner chamber of Kylo Ren. Who the fuck lets any random soldier into the prisoner chamber? Leave alone the one containing a pilot likely already responsible for murdering hundreds of your men? Finn is then able to release Poe by simply stating that Kylo Ren wants him. Nobody questions this. Nobody even goes and verifies these orders for Kylo Ren's personal prisoner. Does everyone just walk into Kylo Ren's room and randomly rearrange all of his stuff when he's not looking too? Is there no such thing as a chain of command in the First Order? Finn and Poe somehow escape together on a tie fighter, and nobody on the hanger deck thought of having an RPG (or similar weapon) available to blow them away. Nobody thought to close the hanger doors or raise a force field over the doors. If they have neither doors nor force fields, then how is there air for the stormtroopers to breath in the hanger? What the fuck do you mean that stormtrooper helmets can filter smoke, but not toxins?... That is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever hea-- Finn and Poe escape the ship. I'll assume the force was with them, because the blasters on a tie fighter are capable of disarming a capital ship. I'm not going to question this logic, it's Star Wars. Finn and Poe fall into the atmosphere of (what can only be assumed to be) a planet with gravity akin to that of Earth. It also has to have an atmosphere akin to that of Earth, so that Rey can breath it. Poe gets fake death'd here for the sake of a happy reunion later, but, it makes his story make no sense: "I was flung out of the craft and woke up later that night." How the fuck did he casually survive terminal velocity? At least Finn got a parachute. Why wouldn't Poe mention he had a parachute? How did his jacket fall off his body if he was flung out of the cockpit? Where in the world is Waldo? Finn somehow crash landed near the closest desert town to where Rey also happens to be. This can be excused by the idea that Poe was trying to get back to his droid, but then that implies that during their violent crash landing (because, remember, they were shot down while still in space) he was able to direct the craft spinning wildly out of control only a walking distance away from the town where Rey and his droid were. God damn that's convenient if nothing else. Finn enters the town, drinks some water, and then the plot has two thugs appear to harass Rey for her droid to get his attention. Can be forgiven in that the junk guy wanted the droid for his own personal greed and sent some guys after her, but apparently, his best thugs can be beaten off by an untrained girl with a stick. Does nobody have guns on this planet? Finn and Rey get shot at and carpet bombed and somehow find the Millennium Falcon. It just happens to be right there... Because... It... Um... Because. Han Solo happens to find his old ship at the same time two people are hijacking it, which happens to have a droid that happens to have a piece of a map to Luke Skywalker, in which he happens to know of a chick that happens to have Luke Skywalker's lightsaber, so that Rey can happen upon her force powers via dream sequence. Holy fuck this is so contrived that at one point they actually gave up pretending and the literal explanation for why Luke's Lightsaber is there is "because I found it, there's no time to explain." What the director really means is "we don't know how but it's neat to have it there." They had to have a bigger version of the Death Star that can blow up multiple planets. The explanation for how it works makes no sense either, but, again, Star Wars, don't question the physics, laser swords are the best weapon in that universe. Look, I love this movie. I love that Han Solo dies. I saw it coming, a mile away, because like the rest of the film, it's mirroring the plot of the first one. (Historically, not canonically.) Han Solo is taking the place of Obi Wan. Except, it's done in a way I fucking love. Having Kylo Ren be an emotional wreck who is struggling to try and follow the things he believes even as his inner conscience is screaming at him not to, makes him a villain of more depth and interesting character than even Darth Vader. This film probably has the best villain. So, I mean, overall? It's a great film. I'm looking forward to seeing more of them. I love the cast. I love Finn. I love Poe. Poe & Finn = Pinn, the ultimate Star Wars Bromance. Kylo Ren is a compelling villain, even if he is a bit emo teenager edgy. Rey's story of abandonment was touching, and seeing her go from a nobody packrat, to an actual warrior of legend, because she has a good heart?... Well, fuck it, that's Star Wars. That's the heart and soul of Star Wars. They're getting it right, it's just the details that I'm really nitpicking. It's in good hands, I just hope I'm not the only one who thinks that the plot was a bit stale and really silly. Hopefully now that they've blown their load ("look, it's the death star, but BIGGERERER!") they can focus on the heart and soul of Star Wars between Finn, Poe, and Rey. Hopefully this is the weakest of the films because of how safely they played it and how hard they tried to appeal to fan mentalities through referencing older films. Hopefully the other two films will clearly lay out this trilogy's true identity. With how tortured Kylo Ren is, it already has the opportunity to one up Darth Vader and become the stronger trilogy for it. It's possible. It's there. They just need to stop pandering so hard. They already have a winning formula. I look forward to more. So, anybody wanna talk about Star Wars? Because Disney is quietly making me like them with how well they're handling it. I'm also waiting for my lord and savior, Plinkett, to step out from the shadows. May he have mercy.