I feel like I'm being beating with the shit stick.

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by LogicfromLogic, Mar 18, 2015.

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  1. You know, I'm a pretty positive person believe it or not. I live a typical life; I have a steady job that I absolutely adore. I have a cat and a guinea pig, a bug (pet), and a wonderful friend group. Really, I love each and every one of my friends. they mean a lot to me.

    But lately, within the last two to three years I've really started to grow depressed. It is always something, part of it I bring on myself. But I can't seem to get out of my depression no matter what I do. Write, roleplay, cry, game, draw, or force myself to talk about it, none of my outlets are working. I'm not eating as much as a result to this, I always act happy and have started to push myself away from my friends.

    My father was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease and it is progressing fast. he's already forgotten my name on multiple occasions, forgotten where we were and proceeded to panic, and has really become clingy in the last month. I'm scared for him. I don't know what to do to help him, or what to do to try and slow the progress os the disease.

    My mom has become more and more angry with me because people have started to see that there's something wrong. She's like dealing with a toddler that hasn't slept in three days and was pinched on the playground. I feel like I have become the world's punching bag (though i know that is probably a n exaggeration, there are people who have it worse off than me any day).

    I have been on edge for weeks now, getting mad at the drop of a pen and crying at stupid things. I dropped soup all over the floor today. No big deal right?

    I cried for ten minutes in a corner before I cleaned it up and moved on with my day. For no freakin reason I cried. This isn't the first time that I have cried for such stupid reasons, and I imagine it won't be the last time.

    I have almost no motivation to do anything else besides stay at home.

    And now I could be nailed for something I didn't even do because of a hacker. I'm so stressed out that I can't even think straight.
  2. Well if none of the escapes you mentioned above are working maybe you want to try variants or different manners execution?

    For example you specifically stated "Force myself to talk about it".
    Maybe that's part of it? Are you doing anything to make yourself feel comfortable about sharing first?
    Are you doing it with people you trust? Is there a mutual exchange of one's problems so it doesn't feel one sided?
    Have you ever tried to see a therapist or a helpline? Get a professional perspective/insight who probably see's this stuff daily?
  3. I'm going to go into therapy next week. I should have done it a while ago (this the some things I bring on myself bit).

    Maybe forcing myself isn't the best method but it'd stew there until I went crazy-er. I've talked to my best friend about this and still felt...blah. I didn't actually mean to publish this, I was having a panic attack and finally had went off.
  4. Well hopefully the therapy helps you out. :)

    And basically you're saying when you share this stuff it's more like an eruption from stress?
    That could be part of it, having it bottle up and explode at certain moments rather than releasing it in a more controlled manner.

    Though you did also just say you didn't intend to publish this, so if you'd rather drop this that's fine too.
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  5. No, just needed to rant and I guess part of me knew that I needed to get it out, but didn't want people who know me outside to hear it.

    Sometimes it is easier talking to people who don't know you, you know?
  6. Yea I get it. It can help to express your concerns online, that way no one in RL treats you differently as a result.
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  7. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to see your father steadily slip away from the man who you knew him to be due to Alzheimer's. Now I don't know what your relationship to your father was like when you were a child or over the years, but I get the feeling that he is incredibly near and dear to you as you are to him and to your mother. The worst part of that disease is, there's really nothing that you can do about it, there's nothing that modern medicine can do about it. I imagine that this is perhaps the major stress in your life and contributing to or perhaps propelling your depression at this point. Perhaps some sort of solidarity and support with your mother and father in this difficult time would provide some solace? I'm not sure, but that's what I would do. This is a trying time for everyone involved.
    • Thank Thank x 1
  8. I'm not close to my mother, she criticizes me for everything but she's not all there. she's been through hell, and all that is coming out on me because she doesn't know what to do with all that anger. She doesn't know how to deal with her issues, and refuses to go to therapy. She hasn't been to it in over nine years, it's not healthy. I can't reach out to her for support, I'd find more welcoming arms in the arms of a rabid grizzly bear.

    Believe it or not I feel quite a bit better after getting this out of my system. Thank you both for your words, it means a lot to me. I just needed some place where people who don't know me in real life to rant. The rant section could have been a great outlet but again I think part of my subconscious decided that I needed to reach out to some degree or something. The mind is a tricky thing, my mind being no exception.

    Thank you so much ^.^ May both of your days go well.
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