I can not handle all of this school shit. I'm less than a month into it and already I'm behind, feeling helpless and unable to catch up again. I can't read fast enough, I can't let go of being a perfectionist, it's just too hard. It doesn't even feel worth it to get done a year early because I have lost all but one friend, I am stuck just eating, sleeping, studying and swimming. It feels like I'm not doing shit with my time, and even subjects I was passionate about have become some of the most hated chores in my day to day life. I have no drive to even try anymore.
My swimming is shit now as well because my hips and shoulders are popping like rice crispies, and I just don't know what the fuck to do. I've been doing homework instead of swim, but the one time I told my dad that, he yelled at me for being a 'lazy slacker' who 'can't get my shit together'. It's like I can't fucking win with them, and it makes me so depressed and angry. I'm just so stressed and defeated, I can feel a total meltdown coming.
I don't have time for one.
I can certainly relate to the feeling of isolation from losing friends, I had to leave all mine behind when I moved for work. Sometimes, it gets to be a bit crippling when you absolutely need somebody to talk to or spend time with, and honestly, having a good internet community to fall back on can make all the difference. From what I've seen, there's some really good people in this thread, and while nobody can be there to talk with you physically or give you a reassuring embrace, their understanding and company is just as real.
In a way, school is one of the most stressful and demanding times of your life because you have to balance so many pressing things, it's easy to become overwhelmed and even jaded at the experience. Why keep fighting it? Why continue with the struggle? Because you know that at the end, it'll pay off. In a way, it's kind of like going through boot camp. There's so many factors that are pressuring you to give up and quit, to tell you you aren't good enough, but you know what? You do these things because you know you can, and at the end, you will be a stronger person for it and so much more appreciative for the little things you had to give up during that time. Take everything one at a time, several battles in a bigger war, and despite the hardship and everything you feel like you have to give up, never forget that you will prevail and you are capable of handling whatever shit life throws at you.
But nobody can go full burn all the time, and you do need a breather once in a while, so don't be afraid to take time for yourself, even if it means skipping a day of practice or half-assing your homework. You DO need to recharge, because it's like trying to stay awake for 3 days straight or run for 8 continuous hours to try and get ahead, you're going to do worse than if you took the time you needed to get a hold of yourself and let your body mend itself. Even taking a 20 minute nap from time to time can do wonders. If you feel like you can't concentrate or it's just getting to be a bit much, step back, go do something fun or relax, and come back to it when you've had some time to unwind. You'd be amazed at how taking 20-30 minutes doing everything you don't have to do can go towards focusing on what you need to do.
Your parents really don't sound like they understand, and for that you have my deepest sympathies. I would just go about saying the barest of minimum to satisfy them, and what they don't know can't hurt them. Sometimes, you just need to let the words wash over you because your dad doesn't know what you're going through and he thinks you're being lazy and ungrateful, well fuck him. He just has to worry about work and then he goes home at the end of the day and doesn't have a crushing amount of homework and balancing a competitive sport on top of that. As such, he has no goddamn right to make demands of you, and you know full well what's at stake, but you're also working towards it. He may not see that, but that's his problem. You're clearly a smart, dedicated girl who is taking on a lot of shit right now, but you will get through it and preserver. Just don't be afraid to come up from air from time to time.
I know it doesn't mean much, but if you need to vent or somebody to talk to, I volunteer as tribute/ distraction/ source of possibly similar experiences.
Be proud of what you've accomplished and what you're going to accomplish. It may be hard, perhaps impossibly so, but try to keep your chin up. It's like my drill instructor was so fond of reminding me as my body was on the brink of collapse, pain is weakness leaving the body. Survive this and you'll be a goddamn titan.
