I feel disgusting.

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Sen, Nov 13, 2015.

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  1. I've felt pretty low for the past several months now. I feel disgusting and that I drag people down. As a teenager I suspect my fabulous and appreciative hormones are having a ball inside of my body right now or my uterus has stabbed itself so many times that my mind has just warped into this negative mess but there's no way this sort of shitty feeling would last this long, right?

    Honestly, it might be stress. A lot has built up, but I don't even feel it because every day I spend it's mostly just procrastinating. But that's just it. I just do not have the motivation or the heart to do anything. All I do is lay on my bed with a laptop and do nothing productive, with homework once in a while. In the mornings I seem fine, I'm distracted by school and surrounded by friends that make me think of other pointless things but once I get home I'm moody and grumpy and I hate myself.

    My shitty view on myself has never lasted this long, it's somehow much easier to cry now and I'm just a mess. I usually do talk to somebody about my problems and how I feel but the more I do the more I feel like I'm just an annoyance or a burden, like a fly bothering someone over and over. I've told her this as well but even with her reassurance there's always that one part of me who doesn't believe her because I'm terribly scared of her leaving me. I've latched onto her and I get upset if I don't get a response or reply or whatever my fucked up mind sees when it twists the situation and it makes me feel like some possessive jealous significant other who is just too clingy. I set unrealistic expectations that I know we both will never meet because it's just... well, unrealistic. You can't dedicate 24/7 attention to someone and I understand that but I'm just so fucking needy and it feels so gross.

    Our roleplay together I have enjoyed for so many months and it's help me before whenever I feel so down. But now I'm stuck in between the line of 'I want to continue' and 'I fucking cbs' and it's like I'm betraying myself because I've put so much effort and love and care to this world we've both created and I love everything about it but my views of my own writing style and how I portray my own characters has skewered negatively and I feel like I will never be able to write like I used to.

    I was jolly and happy and I don't know what happened and I'm scared.

    I don't even know why I feel like this.

    I'm so sorry.
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  2. Hang in there Sen. There is still a lot more amazing things you have yet to experience, and you will deserve each and every one. I wish for you so many happinesses that you couldn't keep track of them all even if you tried. Rather than latching onto one thing, maybe you could try looking for new things that bring you joy. *gives you a heartfelt hug*
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  3. I don't know enough about your situation to say for sure that this is the case, but I would definitely consider talking to a professional if you're worried about your mental health. A lot of what you said reminds me a lot of the way I felt before my ADD diagnosis -- especially the parts about just procrastinating all day and not being productive, feeling like I'm just bothering all my friends, and just being moody and self-loathing in general. I know that sounds like a weird series of things to associate with ADD of all things -- but mental illness can work in some funny ways, and, well, this isn't the right place to go into the specifics of my own situation.

    My point is, no one should have to go through their day feeling this shitty about themselves, consistently. Depending on how persistent you think some of these problems are, I think it might help to consider the possibility that this might be something that you can't control, and that isn't your fault. Even if it's not depression, there could be other things giving you trouble. Like I said, I don't know enough about your situation to really say anything for sure, but, a lot of what you said really hit close to home, so... I just want to put that thought out there.
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  4. I've battled with severe depression most of my life. From the age of 8 up until now (24 mind you).
    I can tell you things DO get better, they always do. Life certainly can suck and your own perspective on your inside and outside appearances are always going to be twisted and tangled. NEVER forget as a human you are beautiful and unique.

    Depression is scary and nobody can tell you how or what to think. Chin up and activate yourself. Go for walks while listening to music. Play a game for an hour or two to distance yourself just enough to have an outside look on yourself.

    Just hang on, it gets better!
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  5. 29-30/11/2015.

    I suppose this is kind of a continuation, so whatever. I don't feel so well anymore. All I'm doing is convincing myself that I am horrible at everything and anything. Roleplaying, being a friend, being a person in general. Even if I've already forgiven the people that made in angry in the first place it's not so easy to forgive myself. What good am I, really? Even if people say that I've done good things, that I'm a human being and we all do shitty and good things, why is it I don't even feel that way. I'm so sick of these episodes where all I do is cry about such unchangeable things. So what if I try to force myself to try and 'fix' myself it doesn't even work. I'm wasting everyone else's time and the person I treasure the most. I can't do this, I can't do that. I'm just a living problem and nothing else matters. In my own opinion maybe the only number of people who 'love' me is 2.5 and one of them isn't even a person. How pathetic is the fact that I imagine my own scenarios just so I can cheer myself up?

    And how pathetic is the fact that I'm so impatient that I get angry when I have to wait even less than two minutes, and I get angry at what I do myself? I can't even keep a conversation running and everything around me is running so slowly for me that I just lose interest every fucking 5 seconds. I don't even think about other people, everything they say goes in one ear and out the other. No matter how many times she's tried to tell me that I'm worth something it doesn't even stick. Why isn't one person there for me enough, why am I so greedy and selfish that I need more than one person to be there who understands me and says the right things?

    Even my roleplay I love it so much but I look back and I realise I've changed way too much for my own liking. I feel like I don't love my own characters, our story we built together for an entire year. All these problems I've never even had before with it just come up and nag me. This and that doesn't make sense, I've lost track of the story and what's happening. Everything is over-complicated. My person as an author is shit, everything is shit.
  6. :/ I really think you should see someone about this. I'd have a hard time believing that you're as "pathetic" as you say you are -- but I do worry that there's a bigger reason as to why you feel so awful about everything.
  7. I'm not really confident in going to the school counselor about this, nor in telling my parents. They'll just think I'm crazy.
  8. :/ I would certainly hope that a counselor doesn't say that, because that is pretty much the opposite of a counselor's job.

    They're supposed to help work out students' problems. Saying your crazy is probably the last thing they would do.
  9. Oops, I meant my parents xD. And isn't seeing a psychiatrist a little pricey?
  10. The school counselor shouldn't cost anything.
  11. No, but like I said. I'm not really confident with going to the counselor :\
  12. You said you weren't comfortable seeing a counselor because you thought they'd call you crazy (or at least that's how I read it). Then when I said that a school counselor certainly wouldn't (or at least shouldn't) act that way you clarified and said you were referring to your parents.

    I don't think you have anything to be afraid of; they're there to support you. And it certainly is the easiest help to get, it would seem.
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