I Don't Think I Act My Age

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by ☆Luna☆, May 25, 2015.

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  1. So, this has been an issue that I've come up with a lot, but now I'm really starting to feel it affect my life.

    I'm a little bit childish, in my way of taking on the world, and not for a lack of knowledge. I usually don't wake up on my own, and I'm not a very driven person in real life. I tend to do whatever takes the least effort unless it is about tasks I've been given, or people I care about. I don't have a job, and instead watch over my siblings and grandparents. Sometimes I'm worried that I've let life happen to me too much. Plus, just watching everything people say in these types of threads, I just lack a lot of wisdom.

    In the end, I just end up wanting a lot of things, but never actually acting on those wants. It is almost like I'm looking for someone's approval, even if it is supposed to be up to me. I don't even know why I behave this way. I want to be the person that I am online... I want to have the drive to do things for myself, and to become more reliable.

    I just wanted to know, how do you make yourself do the things you want, especially when it means encountering things that are uncomfortable? Also, how can you prepare yourself to be ready to live on your own? I thought it was something that just happens naturally, but it isn't for me.
     
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  2. Everyone is different. Therefore, not everyone is going to handle life or life situations the same way. I don't know how old you are, but perhaps you still just have some growing up to do.

    I am naturally a driven person. I have been working since I was 14 and have often worked 2-3 jobs at one time. With all this responsibility, it has taught me a lot of life lessons. It has also helped me grow up quickly.

    First, I acknowledge and respect you for noticing that you'd like to make changes for the better. I first suggest you get a job. A restaurant is a good place to start. Your bosses will not call you to wake you up, and they definitely won't accept any excuses. It may take you getting fired from a couple jobs to figure that out and gain a sense of urgency and define your priorities. You'll be surprised how fast you'll grow up. You need to allow yourself to make mistakes in order to grow. Do not get discouraged if you fail the first time, but try your best. The job may give you a sense of pride and ignite a fire within yourself that will carry onto other aspects of your life.

    My Advice:

    1. Accountability - You've started this here in this thread.
    2. Responsibility - Get a job.
    3. Passion - Make some goals for yourself and follow through. Start with smaller goals like landing an interview.
    4. Never give up.
    5. Learn from your mistakes, and don't make them twice.

    Good luck in your endeavors.
     
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  3. You do these things because you want to do them. Or, you're forced to by sheer circumstance i.e. you find a job and pay the bills, or go homeless.

    Really, it's as simple as that.

    There's no trick, or shortcut. Not any that I've found. You get it done by finding the fire within, by feeding the engine that burns in your chest. Or you let it lie dormant. And in the end, it's all for your own reasons. No one can MAKE you do anything, or talk you into anything. You do it, or you don't.


    EDIT: Hope said it really well. It's accountability, and personal responsibility, and a healthy dose of learning from every action you make or don't make, and constantly learning/adapting, and getting better.

    A much nicer way of saying what I said. :P
     
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  4. My 21st birthday is this July.

    *will probably say more after driving home*
     
  5. Okay, so the rest of my advice still stands. In my opinion, you need to be put in the situation where you actually have something to lose. I.e your house, phone, computer/internet, car/gas, etc.. in order to understand importance and priorities. Again, not everyone is the same. You may never have a desire to work like I did, but as @Seiji mentioned, you have to find your own reasons, or fire, for getting you to do what you have to do.

    Dale Carnegie says that everyone has a reason to feel important. For some it's work, for others it's giving advice/teaching, and for some it's becoming famous and getting their name in lights. You need to find out what it is that makes YOU feel important. It may not be work. When you find out what it is you need to expand on that and fuel the fire, so to speak.
     
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  6. Well, in a way. I already know what is important to me. I love people. I want to be with people anyway I can all the time. I want to talk with all sorts of people, and learn about them. But also, if it is about what makes me feel important... I want to be girlish and cute, but I don't feel like I can be.

    It really isn't that I can't, so much as I just don't. I don't know why, but I just won't invest in myself. Whenever I think to, I remember my parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, teachers, and everyone, and just think about how much harder it will be for everyone if I suddenly start working towards my wants... I mean, I think everyone knows I'm girlish, and I could never hide anything like that... but I still feel disempowered because I can't get even the most basic things I want. I can't get people to call me the name I like, I don't have agency over my appearance, and even though I talked big in the Cindrelly thread, I know that it is mostly because I kept living with my parents...

    And the part that terrifies me most is that maybe I'm using this all as an excuse to avoid facing the world... I've held jobs in the past without problem. I can get myself up when something demands my attention like that or school, or something my parents want me to do. But I won't wake up just for myself. I won't spend money on myself. I won't get good grades for myself... I'm always doing it for some other reason. The only things I can really say I do for myself is visit my professors, watch anime, roleplay, and play cards. But nobody ever objected to those things. If my parents told me to stop RPing or watching anime, I'd probably sneak it or give up. I don't like that about myself, because I feel like I'm willing to sacrifice too much for the people around me.

    I've made so much progress from when I was just a shy little thing that you could hurt by looking at the wrong way. I've built up a pride, and even challenged people for these desires, but now it is getting to the point where my Mom understands, and I'm going to hate myself if after all the resistance goes away, I'm still too much of a child to actually make it happen... I know it is what I want, but none of those things you told me about are helping me overcome this uncertainty of making choices for myself and owning them. It is easy to accept myself online. Nobody can do anything to you here. You have nothing to lose by being yourself... But in real life, I might get rejected by friends, family, and so many others. And I know I have no idea what I'm doing. People keep looking at me like I should just understand how to get these things for myself, when really I don't have a clue. I have something that works right now. I could keep up this facade, and I'd have a life where I get the things that are important to me. I could have lots of friends, a close relationship with my family, a good job, and so much more... But my younger years have taught me again and again that people are going to deny me those things if I try to break gender norms. It is so much fight, that at some point I felt like I didn't want to give it up. I let my parents, friends, boss, anyone else decide for me.

    And I just want it to stop...

    It makes it so hard for me to act on my own, when I've let myself behave like this for years. I know it is wrong, but I don't think I can want it any more than I do right now, but I'm still too scared to pull the trigger. And when I do, I go back into hiding like a frighten animal. I don't know why I can't commit to it, and it hurts my pride. I just know if I don't, I can't ever really see myself as an adult.

    *ended up becoming somewhat of a rant, sorry if I got too emotional there*
     
    #6 ☆Luna☆, May 25, 2015
    Last edited: May 25, 2015
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  7. Okay so I see multiple points here to address.

    Number one, you're telling me that what makes you feel important is being "girlish?" No. That barely scratched the surface of who you are. You need to search deeper for something more important. I'm not trying to dismiss that you want to be girly, but I doubt that is the intense fire burning in your soul, your reason to be on this earth. It is an action not an attribute that should make you feel important. It is okay to say you don't know what that is yet. Many go through their whole lives never knowing what it is for them.

    Number two, some people are leaders and some people are followers. What I mean by that is that some people naturally take control of a room and demand attention, and others are happy and would much rather have someone else make the decisions. If you are unhappy then you are most likely unhappy with yourself. There is no advice myself or anyone here can give you to make you love yourself. You either need to do some deep soul searching and change who you are into someone you want to be 9it's hard, but it can be done with enough determination), or you need to seek advice from a professional.

    Now I have a tough love sort of policy when it comes to advice, so I apologize in advance if this comes off as harsh. However, I truly believe that in all aspects of life if you are truly miserable with something about yourself or in your life you can change it or do something about it. If you don't then it must not be that bad. I've gone through hell and back to make changes in my life and get where I am because it's what I want. However, this is about you not me. So what I'm going to tell you is with love. Buck up, butercup. Make your own dreams come true, and take the advice when someone gives it to you. It's usually from people who have been where you are and know how you're feeling and want to pass on their experiences and knowledge.
     
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  8. It didn't come off as harsh. But maybe if you are saying things like that, maybe I just don't have real aspirations... I think that I could be happy, just being able to be the me I want to be with people I care about. Everything else doesn't really matter to me. I don't care for money, impacting the lives of others, learning things, or anything like that. I do those things, but I do them because they are important to other people.

    I think the thing that I'm getting from this advice is that I just need to stop whining and go out and do what needs to be done. And I guess you are right that it isn't that bad, especially when I try to compare it. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm scared... I'm scared that in trying to secure what I want, I'm going to prevent myself from ever obtaining it. In order to live the life worth living, I have to live it on my terms, but to accomplish my goals, I need to live on the terms of my surroundings. I don't think I can do both. I want to take your advice, but it still doesn't tell me how I combat this fear. It doesn't tell me how I can reject the comfortable option in favor of what I actually want. Most of all, it makes the assumption that I do not love myself enough.

    I don't know what is wrong, but that definitely isn't the problem. I did go through hell to get to even this compromised state. And I know my goal probably seems really small, and having insignificant barriers. Even still, it is something I hold close to my heart, and something I want to live out for the rest of my life. But thanks for saying that, because it is making me want to prove that it is meaningful. It makes me mad when I hear people say things like, "If it was really important you'd be willing to face these fears." Maybe that is the answer though. Maybe I need to get mad about it. It is certainly something I haven't tried.
     
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  9. Well, it's more of a matter of Live in the Pursuit of Happiness. There's no point blaming yourself for a seeming lack of aspirations. And I can understand why you're scared. Everyone on this planet of 7 Billion people is scared when it comes to making this kind of decision. But don't think of what can hold you back-think of what can push you forward. You're scared, but you'll be less scared as you go out into the world. There's nothing wrong with being 'childish'-but there's something wrong with letting your fears, however real they may seem, stop you from wanting to live the way you want to live.
    Here's one of my favourite quotes concerning the subject:

    'Courage isn't a matter of not being frightened, you know. It's a matter of being afraid, but doing what you have to do anyway.'-The 3rd Doctor

    @☆Luna☆
     
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  10. Thanks Roman.
     
  11. Ok, having read over this thread you have me legitimately wanting to hug you and cheer you up.
    You know what? Fuck it. *Hugs @☆Luna☆*

    Anyways, as for the advice.
    I'll tackle the OP questions first, gives me a decent starting point to spring off on in terms of advice.

    The way I encounter things that make me uncomfortable is honestly from a "I don't care what others think of me for this. Either accept it or get out of my face" attitude.
    Granted, that's an attitude I only developed from a lot of bullying as a kid, and it ended up becoming one of my defense mechanisms to avoid suicide contemplation.
    So although I do think the approach of not caring what others think might be helpful for you, I pray to god you don't adopt it by the means I did.
    What *might* work better for you is finding a piece of you really care about, gives a fire burning, one where when weighed against public opinion that passion will win, and then ride that.
    May that be by positive fashion, or the getting mad motivation that Roman inspired in you there for a moment.

    I prepare myself for living on my own by keeping priorities. I focus on my education, that's what's needed to get a good job.
    And then once I finish it, I will focus on getting a good job.
    And once I get that, I will focus on saving money for a place to live one day.
    Admitingly it's a slow process however, and one I have the luxury of being able to do since my Parents do not mind me staying at home until my 30's even if need be (though the goal is to move out somewhere around 25-27).
    So if you're more pressed to move out, I'd probably switch those around a bit. Probably to the following:

    -Get a good Job
    -Save money for a place to stay
    -Move out
    -Save money for education and expenses
    -Quit Job, and live off the saved money so you can focus on your education without work distraction

    The reason I suggest that last part is because of burn out. It's all great and shows skill and responsibility to juggle school and work at the same time.
    But the honest fact is, college/university is not designed assuming you're working on the side. It's designed assuming it's your full time investment.
    If you add a job on top of it, you will get overwhelmed, grades will be lower than they should be, stress will be higher, and as a result everything including motivation is bound to get lower.
    You might have some exceptions like Hope, where such demands inspire them to keep pushing. But I've seen the burnout crush enough people that I would not suggest that anyone attempt it.

    Ok, so now for the non-OP related advice.

    You mention your Gender Identity getting in the way of stuff like friends, family and a job?
    For Friends and a Job I'd honestly suggest trying to find LGBT+ services or groups.
    Some of them might have resources/connections for struggling people in the community, and if nothing else you can find people there to connect with.

    Family on the other hand isn't as easy, that's something which if you're going to fix it at all (which being honest, isn't possible with all families) is going to take time.
    Introduce one thing at a time, get them to adapt, them introduce something else etc. If they to except it, they need to have it in bite sized pieces. Not have the whole steak at once.

    Granted though at a certain point you do still need to get up and do something they'll disagree with.
    That honestly goes back to my above point on don't let what other's think get in the way.
     
    #11 Mistake, May 29, 2015
    Last edited: May 29, 2015
  12. I don't really act my age. Sometimes I'm younger, sometimes I'm older. But that's because my childhood years were stolen from me, and I had to grow fast.

    Why is it important to act your age? What does it even mean? There are different periods for everyone that do not necessarily relate to age. Or so I believe. It's nice to have a playful streak no matter what age you've got. It's also nice to be able to be mature and take effective and precise decisions for better life quality. Though that can only come with experience. Irrespective of age, everyone does stupid things. You could be eighteen, you could be forty and still be doing stupid things.
     
  13. Gwazi-kun. *hugs*. I'm sorry to hear you became like that. I think for better or worse, I care immensely about the feelings of the people around me. I really just can't see myself discounting anyone's opinion. If I try to accept my behavior by discounting the opinions of everyone around me, that does a lot more harm than good. My opinions, even about myself, are on equal standing with everyone else, and the moment that stops being true, I stop being able to see the world in the way that I do. I mean, I certainly hope that I'd be more informed about choices regarding myself than others, but what I'm really trying to say is... Because of who I am and what I stand for, I just can't fault others for not accepting me. For me, rejection is always a sad and painful process, especially with people like my parents whom I hold close. It makes me want to find a way to make them understand, even if it takes a very long time. Even though it is hard on me, and sometimes is too much for me to take on, something in me hopes that this approach is worthwhile. I can't just ignore the fact that what I do makes people uncomfortable. I think their opinion matters. I need to be able to do what I do, even in spite of that fact. That is probably why I find it so hard to get motivated *giggles*. I guess in summary, I want to love both myself and others, in spite of the fact that we cause each other problems.

    As for the living at home thing, the primary reason I do it is because I want to do well in school and not rack up debt. Plus, as you've mentioned, the fact that I don't have to work a job simultaneously is a gigantic advantage academically. The strategy seems to work, as I'm currently on the dean's list, and have a nice big fat scholarship that pays for most of the expenses. I just feel like it has many unfortunate side effects.

    I could probably stand to accept more help with this though. I feel kind of silly saying this, but I'm just happy to see the term LGBT+ going around. But yeah, I should probably take advantage of these resources, just because it solves my own inabilities. I mentioned how it felt like people expected that I should just be magically able to know how to obtain the things I want, despite living in a way that I didn't want for years. I think the best comparison I can make is how a shy person who resolves to being more bold doesn't necessarily have the means or understanding to just start being who they want to be. I want to figure out that process and experiment, and this would likely be a lot easier if I'd actually seek out help. (which I'm ironically doing by making threads like this)

    I'm totally with you on this one, but that isn't exactly what I meant by the phrase. I was worried about my ability to make executive decisions based on the fact that I often just do what is most comfortable, even when it runs counter to my desires and beliefs. The executive decision process is something linked to being an adult, but you are perfectly able to not have it if you don't exercise it.

    Don't worry about my playfulness, cause it certainly isn't going away anytime soon. Though I will say, I think that it definitely makes it harder to get a date. (on top of being a girlish guy only interested in girls)
     
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  14. There's only so much consideration for other's that can be seen as healthy though.

    It's good to have some care and consideration towards others, that what allows us to be human, building relationships etc.
    But you also need to look after yourself, because not everyone will have your best interest at heart, and you can't allow them to continually bring you down.

    Also think of it this way, what if someone who cared about was in pain?
    Wouldn't this hurt you as well, having to see them suffer?
    Wouldn't you want them to be able to fix it and become better if they were able to?
    Because that's also how a lot of your friends will look at you, they want you to succeed, and your attempts to please everyone at the expense of yourself may just be hurting those who are closest to you.
    I know, and I do ultimately agree with the choice assuming your parents aren't abusive.
    Everyone can't make what they want happen right away and needs help in some way.
    There's nothing to be ashamed of by looking for help or having difficulty with something. :)
     
  15. Well, I do think that I need to work on considering myself more, but I also think that its ok if someone doesn't have my best interests in heart. My interests aren't anything special. They aren't any more deserving than anyone else's interests, but because I am in a privileged position, my interests get fulfilled. When you think about it, there is a level of consideration that occurs before anything else where you have to ask yourself what is worthwhile, and what makes it that way. I can't just say my interests are important just because they are mine, even though that would really simplify the struggle I face.

    The real reason I need to be taking care of myself is because right now, I don't feel comfortable leading anyone. I'm really proud of who I am, and I think it is worth my time trying to live the way I want to. There are still a lot of things I want to experience, and I want to be able to experience them on my own terms. I want to be someone who can be really happy and make others happy. So, I need to remember that every time I try to consider the interests of other people, and I need to be able to challenge them when they aren't being constructive.

    It sounds sort of sad to say it, but pain and suffering aren't always something that you should fix for someone. Sometimes they are things that we endure, and are made better from. Sometimes they are harsh reality which forces us to understand that our goals and interests don't exist in a vacuum. While if given the option, I'd never pick pain or suffering, but usually it isn't that simple. Not to mention the fact that your method of ending pain and suffering also matter. When a friend is suffering, I really just hope that there is something that I can do, but that option isn't always there. Sometimes it is because I don't have the means, the knowledge, I might not have the right relationship, or even be the right person to handle someone's pain or suffering. The same applies to me. While I always love seeing a person who doesn't want me to suffer, maybe at that moment I'm actually supposed to. Maybe it will give me some sort of insight into the world that I didn't have. Maybe it will motivate me to ensure nobody else has to suffer like that. In the end, those kinds of questions have different answers each time. The only thing I can really be sure of is that it isn't meaningless, so I need to keep trying to overcome whatever obstacles are in my way, and help where my help is needed.
     
    #15 ☆Luna☆, May 29, 2015
    Last edited: May 29, 2015
  16. But the thing is that to properly be able to aid and help others you also need to be happy with yourself so your in a position to be helping others.
    And that's not going to happen if you aren't willing to look out for yourself when you need to.
    It's like you said, you want to be happy and make others happy. You need to remember to pay attention to both of those.

    And yes although some pain can teach a valuable lesson it's not something you want to purposely cause for yourself.
    Life brings enough of it on it's own in life to do the job, you're not helping anyone (especially yourself) by consciously trying to pro-long it.
     
  17. I know right! I'll do my best Gwazi-kun.
     
  18. I see a lot of big replies that I'm sure are far better than anything I could give to you.

    A friend of mine lives by the motto: "you can't stop growing old, but you don't have to grow up."

    It seems fitting.

    Good luck and don't forget you've got people to back you up!
     
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