I am such a frickin' emotional disaster

[The Returner]

Ok, I don't do this often to just go out there and rant my brains out about my personal problem. Fuck. I don't even know how to put all my problems into one structured thought and that's partially what's so eating on my soul and mental stability.

I am annoyed. Why? I have no frickin' clue. I am starting to hate lacrosse, because I have to get up so early and be so involved and there is always something happening. And whilst that's awesome to have such a social life, I feel it's draining me. And then I feel like I am a lazy slob who never sees anything all the way to the end. When I started the sport I was like 'YES! Let's do this until I have to leave Japan! Let's do this shit for a year!' Six months in and I am already talking to the captain about quitting, blaming the upcoming dissertation research and whatnot just to validate my lazy decision.

And people sweep in and offer solutions! Don't get me wrong. I appreciate your help and all, but I am already aware of about half or more of the stuff that everyone tells me. I DON'T NEED SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM! I need someone to paralyse that part of my brain that feels any sort of emotions so that I can actually get a break from it all.

And then I talk to my mum. Good idea, right? Yeah, for the first couple minutes, until I get inexplicably annoyed and feel like we are having an argument when she is just trying to get my out of my misery. Offering solutions. It's just something about her tone that makes me feel like I am criticised or that she is telling me with her tone 'this is what you should have been doing all along'. Well, I am sorry mum for being so frickin' SOCIALLY AWKWARD! And then she tells me that I never put enough effort into social interactions, not even as a kid. HELLO?! YOU AND DAD BROUGHT ME UP THAT WAY! Never pushed me hard enough to get my arse out and allowed me to be lazy.

Or maybe I am just trying to point finger and blame other people to make them feel as bad as I feel. Yeah, I do this nasty shit and I hate myself for it. I hate feelings. They make me unstable, mess with my brain and make me cry my eyes out when I am alone in my room. And I know all the solutions but guess what.... I don't put effort into pursuing them.

Fuck, I even told my mum I am afraid of telling her some personal stuff and that I would prefer talking to a professional which probably made her cry...again.

I am guilt ridden. I make other people feel bad, realize what I've done, and that I feel even more bad and guilty for doing such a nasty thing. Just what the fuck is wrong with me?

I have considered many times just going to a professional to get myself evaluated because I don't feel like a mentally healthy individual sometimes. So much shit I feel like I have going on but then I don't know whether I am just wallowing in it or not. You know, surrounding myself with it to make myself feel worse. But surprise, surprise...I always manage to claw my way back up and be normal for a while.

Before shit hits the fan again and I crumble. And I HATE IT! I hate not being able to put my problem into structured thought, because then I can't cope with them and I sound silly to my own ears.

I also feel ostracised.... By the lacrosse team (but that's due to the language barrier), by my own peers (because I don't spend enough time with them and so when I do meet up with them I spend 95% of the time quiet not having the slightest clue what the hell they are talking about).

Just like today! Had lunch with 3 of my friend, spoke barely 20 words. Their humour....I have no clue how to react to. There was a joke on my behalf which I didn't mind. It was ended with my friend asking for my stripper name. And I was like 'wtf do I say now?!' I can't roll with their jokes because I can't do their humour!

I feel so hopeless sometimes...helpless too. Just like miserable to the point that I wish to seclude myself in my own bubble away from everyone and everything. Away from all the social interactions and people so that I don't have to interact with anyone.

Uh, life is a bitch....

The only reason why I am spamming Iwaku with this because I don't have anyone to go to. No....that's a lie....I do.... but all these people have their own shit going on and I don't want to bother them. So I much rather make this fucked up mind of mine type this shitty post for everyone to see. But you know what? I am past the point of caring. No one is fucking perfect and I certainly am not and I do deserve to just go on a bloody rant if I so choose to.

But still...I feel sorry for doing this, because now I am dumping all my shit here....

 

[AetherDream]

Where is it that you live which has you dealing with a language barrier that you can't quite surmount?

 

[The Returner]

@AetherDream
Japan. As I am on my year abroad here so my Japanese is not so good to have a fluent conversation.

 

[AetherDream]

Ah gotcha, sounds like fun. Reminds me of my school's year abroad program at Waseda University. I went on a 6 month program to finish out my schooling, by that time my Japanese was strong enough to get by without much difficulty. The friends I made there also spoke a bit of English so that helped out. Many people found my humor to be rather...dark. I hope that your Japanese continues to improve and that you get to enjoy yourself all the more when you're there.

 

[The Returner]

Ah, you also came to Japan? When was that? What university did you come from? I mean, I can hold a good one on one conversation but in a group, I have no chance of inputting anything. And it can be hella frustrating and annoying and yeah, kinda the reason why I want to quit the sport, despite loving it so much.
But thanks again ^^ I only have about 5 months left so I hope to make as much out of it as possible.

 

[AetherDream]

I came from a school called Earlham College. I spent my time up in Morioka. In large groups, I would usually focus on listening to the conversation and trying to improve my comprehension. Some of the best times were had during Nomikai, everyone was always a bit more relaxed than they would be otherwise. One night, one of the older women I came to know offered me a sausage, when I noticed that there weren't enough so that she could have one as well, I told her that she could have it. She insisted and told me that she didn't like to eat things that looked like penises. This woman had me rolling.

 

[The Returner]

Oh, so a university based in America. Yeah, I am in Tokyo University of Foreign Studies so pretty much tucked away in the suburbs on Tokyo. And I am doing the same thing like you did. Just focusing on comprehending what's being said, but sometimes, you know, it's just nice to be able to actually engage in the conversation and get some more out of it in that way.
No way?! That sounds amazing and hilarious at the same time!

 

[Kestrel]

Go see that professional. You're only going to get more shit on your head if you keep stressing. You're going to explode outwards and nobody wants that.

Also, your mother likely is disheartened over herself being powerless to help her own child. With that angle in mind, figure out how to best approach the topic.

I understand the desire for all of it to go away, part of your brain to be numbed, etcetera. But let me tell you what that ever did for me; absolutely nothing. Happiness and confidence require action. Willpower. Agency over your own life. Kick that shit in the face and keep standing up until you feel standing up is fucking worth it. I don't think you have a mental disorder, I think you're succumbing under stress. That's not to say help would be a bad idea, but that it is something you can overcome. Though, if you do seek professional help, don't go to a Japanese therapist because their cultural values are inherently different from yours.

Also my stripper-name would be something fire-fighting related and then I'd make a pole-dancing joke.

 

[The Returner]

@Kestrel
Yeah, I started to figure this out. I tend to succumb to these things almost regularly every 3 or 4 months. Stuff just keeps building up even if I beat it down that at one point it gets too much to bear and I just can't take it anymore. But yeah, I will keep standing up and put enough effort into not being down and stressed.
So thanks Kestrel ^^

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

Like Kestrel said, go see a therapist of your own culture to see what can be done.

From what you've described this does just sound like stress and being in an unwanted situation, not anything that indicates a mental illness at work.

 

[The Returner]

@Gwazi Magnum
Thanks! Yeah, now that I have slept on it, I feel much better. Yesterday was just one of those days when I couldn't cope.

 

[fatalrendezvous]

Turner, if you ever need someone to talk to, you know where to find me. ^^

 

[The Returner]

I know @fatalrendezvous
So thank you for everything <3

 

[Ai]

Me too darling! <3 Always here for ya​

 

[The Returner]

Thanks @Red Velvet <3