How would YOU have done the "Twilight" story?

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Diana, Feb 27, 2010.

  1. TWILIGHT featuring vampires that glisten in the sunlight, teenage fangirl candy, and cliche approach to stuff people just LOVE to complain about!

    So Tell me: How would you have done the TWILIGHT story?

    Rules: You can't say you're have burn the book. XD Pretend you've been told by your editor that you have to "fix" this book. You must tell us how this plotline could be better.

    How would the story go? What pieces would you make different? What sort of improvements would you make?
  2. Honestly, I probably would have resigned and found myself a job with another damn publishing house.

    Assuming I didn't have that option, and assuming I had to keep the basic plot....Well, if I didn't -shoot myself-, then at the very least, the book would have ended with the chick getting bled.
  3. It would end up a short story with Morbius the Living Vampire and Dracula (the cool one, not the original) killing everyone. Then, I would have been fired.
  4. I will be fair and point out that vampire literature has always had a sexual subtext to it - the 'bite on the neck' was originally an allegory for sex. Well, and a way to drink their blood, but hey.

    Not to be confused with vampire FOLKLORE which drew off Vladimir "Vlad the Impaler" Dracul, and was straight nightmare fuel.
  5. Imagination boys... D:< Throw your hatred in the closet for a minute and gives us some creative plotting! Flex your genius muscles! >:D
  6. I like what they did with Park Chan Wook's Thirst. Replace the Teenage girl with a lonely housewife with an abusive mother, Switch the old teenage looking vampire with a idealistic priest who accidentally is transfused with vampire blood, mix in angst, Mariticide, and vampiric suicide, and you have one awesome movie about helplessness of two lonely souls falling in love with each other.
  7. FEBRUARY 9, 2017

    Matthew Phoenix's office was rarely as packed as today, but rarely did a threat warrant as intense scrutiny as Lorentz.

    Karin Krauser led the discussion with the clipped professionalism of a woman accustomed to command. She made doubly sure to keep Erika Hennesey as far away from some of Matthew's more expensive relics as possible, such as the crossed Spartan spears on the wall.

    "Let's get this debriefing started, shall we?" Karin said without preamble. Introductions were just as quick. "I'm Karin Krauser, the Eye, Hushcobb scout, agent, and second in command. Matthew Phoenix, one of our founding members, pulled out of retirement to lend expert opinion. Nathaniel Crippling, Hushcobb librarian and werewolf. Dr. Eliza Landel, the brains of our operations. Crossfire and Ruth Borwell, field agents. Former agent Sam Ebayan, codename Skullman, field age --" She paused and corrected herself, "former field agent."

    Then Karin gestured to their two new guests. "Erika Hennessey, telekinetic and friend of one of our persons of interest. And Raven Tallwood, alchemist and another associate of one of our persons of interest."

    Crippling quirked an eyebrow at the name. "Tallwood? As in --"

    Raven nodded and spoke up proudly, "That's right. Thomas Aegil's granddaughter."

    "Your grandfather's a legend!" Crippling beamed, reaching over to shake her hand. "Its quite the pleasure to meet you, young lady!"

    And with those words, Raven deflated just a touch. "Yeah...likewise."

    "You okay, buddy?" Erika leaned over with a whisper.

    "Yeah. Don't worry about it." Raven scanned around the room, all too aware that she and Erika, for all their powers, were two teenagers in a roomful of assassins, soldiers, hunters, and, apparently, a werewolf. It was more than a little intimidating. She found checking out Sam Ebayan a little more relaxing.

    "Nathaniel," Karin said, returning the werewolf's attention to the matter at hand.

    Crippling coughed. "Oh, yes, right. So, to review. I think I've discovered the identity of Lorentz's allies. Those blood puppets you described match the magical styling of a cult known as the Sanguinaar. Supposedly created the first vampires. Very old, one of the first cults on record. We're talking at least four millennia."

    Sam looked over at Matthew. "Can you even remember that far back?"

    "Vaguely," the immortal admitted, "but nothing specific."

    "Can we find them?" Crossfire asked.

    "Their hideouts were all destroyed over the centuries," the werewolf said. "The last known stronghold went down in the 1940s. We thought they were extinct since then."

    "Can we track them?" Karin pressed.

    Eliza Landel stepped up with her ever-present tablet in hand. "That's where I come in." She plugged her tablet into a computer and projected her findings on the wall monitor. "Sanguinaar magic doesn't actually change the material its cast upon, but it does infuse the material -- in this case, blood -- with mana to keep the organism alive. That means that even when destroyed, the blood puppet is still technically alive. Its a sophisticated way to ensure that a destroyed puppet could still infect someone to create a new monster." She turned to Karin and Raven. "I'm hoping you two could work with me in further analyzing the samples Crossfire and Skullman brought back from the field."

    Raven nodded enthusiastically. "Sure. Some of this stuff almost looks like alchemy, maybe a touch of necromancy."

    She noted from the corner of her eye that Sam shifted uncomfortably. He murmured quietly, "I'm not entirely comfortable with the codename, Eliza."

    "Oh, sorry, Sam," the scientist apologized. "I know you're kind of back, sort of --"

    "I'm not back, just on loan."

    A yawn cut the tension in the air. Erika Hennessey blithely sat in a chair in reverse, kicking her legs and resting her chin on the backing. "Great, we've got you guys doing homework and a science fair. What about the rest of us? And by us, I mean me."

    Karin tapped a few keys on the computer. The view changed from Landel's findings to a picture of Natalia Elmore set beside a satellite view of the ruins of her Boston home. A third picture showed a hospital.

    "Crossfire and Borwell are going to find Natalia Elmore and ensure her safety," Karin said. She looked at Erika. "This is a little irregular, but given what I've heard about your performance against Lorentz, I'd even permit you accompanying them on this mission, Erika."

    "Oh good! I get to see Natalia again!"

    "I'm going, too," Sam said sternly. "Lorentz will be there."

    After being silent the entire time, Matthew finally cut in, "Remember what I said, Sam...."

    The shorter man gave the immortal a hard look. "Are you stopping me?"

    "No. You need this. But remember what I said. Please."

    Sam exhaled, calming himself. "I will, Matthew. I promise."

    Karin watched the two men carefully, certain that Matthew must have spoken with her onetime student alone. Sam seemed a little less reckless, now. The ancient immortal tended to have that affect on people. She went on, "Fine. Crossfire, Borwell, Erika, and Skull -- Sam -- will search for Natalia Elmore. This hospital is the most likely place she'll be at. Its where her aunt, Cherie Elmore, was taken to address her injuries after Lorentz's attack."

    She gave the four of them a look. "Your priority is Natalia Elmore." Her gaze went to Sam in particular. "We protect the girl first. Am I clear?"

    Sam nodded. "She won't need much protection, I assure you. But you know me."

    "Yes," Karin said softly, with feeling. "I do."


    Landel was going over her reports on her tablet with Karin and Raven while the others made preparations for their mission to find Natalia.

    The scientist noticed the way the teenage alchemist kept sneaking glances at Sam and couldn't help but smirk. "See something more interesting than magical phenomena, Raven?" she teased.

    Raven reddened slightly at being caught looking. "Is that a problem? He's nice to look at," she admitted.

    "He's...complicated," Landel said stiffly. She was all too aware of how complicated. The last few years had more ups and downs between all of them than a daytime soap opera, or so it seemed.

    "So, his codename is the Skullman?" Raven asked.

    Karin nodded, smiling fondly as if thinking back on a memory. "Yes. Most of our agents end up earning a codename representing their skill. Crossfire, for instance, is a master marksman. Sam earned his because of...well, its a little gruesome. The point is, he can handle himself very well against powerful enemies."

    "I've noticed," Raven said, recalling how he fought the blood puppets with the finesse of a warrior.

    "Good," Karin continued. "Its always nice to know my hard work goes appreciated." At the girl's confused look, she explained, "I taught Sam and Crossfire how to fight powerful enemies. They were, at one point, my students. The last in a long line of fighters. My own mentor did the same for me, once."

    "How'd you guys meet?" Raven asked.

    Karin sighed. These memories were not as pleasant. "Sam was, oh, fifteen. Lorentz was just a name, then. But he definitely made it stick. He murdered Sam's parents and almost killed him as well."

    "No wonder he hates Lorentz," Raven murmured.

    Karin nodded. "Jade Wilson was one of his childhood friends and her family put him up for a time. Eventually, I investigated the Lorentz case and found out about Sam. I took both him and Jade under my wing, alongside Crossfire, who was already training under me."

    Karin's expression became wistful. "I've never seen such passionate and skillful agents in my entire career. Crossfire never missed and Jade was a consummate soldier. And Sam? As reckless and stubborn as he can be, I can't fault that he's the most resourceful man I've ever met. He can take the most innocuous items and turn them into something deadly."

    Raven thought back to the fight at the factory, to the explosions.

    "But he was also good at turning things into something good," Karin continued. "I think he was always happiest when making things rather than destroying them. Its a shame, really, that he's so damn good at destruction."

    "Karin...." Landel interrupted quietly, "...I think that's enough." Any further, Eliza knew, would bring in some extremely painful memories for all of them. Memories Raven shouldn't be privy to in her opinion.

    The older woman nodded. "I'm just digressing now. I'm sorry. Let's get back to work."

    Raven went back to her work, but not before casting a final glance at Sam.


    "Are you okay with me being here?" Sam bluntly asked.

    Ruth's head whipped over to him. He looked so...guarded. She remembered when he used to be more open, smiling, laughing. He was always a private man, but rarely around his close friends and never around her. She gave him a wistful smile. "Actually, I am. I'm relieved, in fact. I think we both need this."

    "I agree," Crossfire said, holstering his sidearm. "Our old team could handle anything back in the day. Let's keep it up."

    "...We can't go back to how we were before, you know," Sam murmured. He looked first at Ruth, then at Crossfire. He even glanced back at Landel. "None of us can."

    "Its for the best," Ruth agreed softly. "But we can still be friends, right?"

    "I wouldn't be here if we couldn't," he assured her.

    Crossfire glanced at the attache case in front of Sam. "The old Mauser. You're going all out on Lorentz, aren't you?"

    The Mauser's wooden case doubled as a holster, which he belted to his side. He inspected the pistol carefully. Seven years in storage had, surprisingly, done little damage to it. He'd have to give it a proper cleaning before sortie, just in case. He picked up the remaining clips. "One of these Empiric Bullets has his name on it."

    "I can make the shot if you want," Crossfire offered, knowing that he couldn't miss, but also knowing that Sam would want to do the deed himself.

    Sam didn't disappoint. "I appreciate it, but it has to be me."

    Ruth smiled grimly. "Lorentz will be in for a world of hurt when that hits him. He's so strong that I can't imagine he could survive it."

    That was the secret to the Empiric Bullet. One hundred-eight rounds laced with the powdered bones drawn from two of Sam Ebayan's own surgically-removed ribs. His Empiric Field suffused his entire body and, it turned out, that could be weaponized. Each Bullet sucked magic right out of its target with the side effect of growing stronger the more powerful the target became.

    An apprentice mage would simply have to deal with the pain of being shot and the permanent loss of his magic.

    A master...could very well die, rather horribly.

    Sam would know. He had killed his share of powerful foes.

    He started with one hundred-eight, a number he picked out of a sense of whimsy and mythological respect. One hundred-eight Bullets to assure the destruction of one hundred-eight enemies in a pseudo-prophetic method of defeating the one hundred-eight evils of Buddhism.

    Now he had only twenty left. It would have to do.
  8. Man so much has come up for me lately but I just now found out I quit getting alerts for the RPs here Oo

    I plan to try and find out what I was doing last and get Raven moving again if that's alright...
  9. I believe the point is that we're editors who're supposed to SALVAGE this travesty.
  10. Oh. Well, I just got this idea:

    The shitty town and fanfic setting of shitty gringotown would instead be medieval Europe, possibly Sweden, or somewhere in Asia, probably Turkey or something.

    Bella instead of being a teenager girl would be a washed up former crusader or something like that, tired and old of shit. We'll call him Mr. Sade'.

    Edward would instead of being Sparkle Princess he would be some sort of assassin in a vampiric clan, or like a cult of undead followers that's popping up somewhere. We'll call him Number 13.

    Now, the story would have not a damn thing to do with the original Twilight, but I'm trying to make something good here.

    Anyway, it turns out the vampire dude ended up boning his slut wife because he didn't fuck her enough (he was too busy killing mormons and muslims and shit like that, and she's a ho), it turns out the vampire dude kills one of Sade's sons because he finds out the dude was boning his mom (and you know it was bad that the kid of your affair knew you were boning it back then).

    See now, Sade goes and it's like "MOTHERFUCKING BITCHES." and is like "FUCK I'M GONNA RAPE THIS BITCH WITH THE POINTY END OF A SPEAR MADE OF STEEL AND SPLINTERS, AND THE FAGGOT DISEASE" and he ends up going searching for the motherfucker.

    In the end, after he's investigated, and generally kicked everything not technically alive (before or after they met him) into dust and lots of blood and stabbed flesh, he just goes "MY NAME IS MISTER SADE, YOU KILLED MY SON, PREPARE TO DIE." and he shoots a bolt into the vampire's head, he dies.

    In the end I think his wife kills herself because she's a slut who can't deal with actually having to think, you know, like most women back then and like sluts and immature teenagers now.

    He meets a guy who makes awesome stuff like "FUCKING HUGE BALLISTA MACHINE GUNS THAT SET FIRE TO THE BOLTS." And crap like that, for now he'll just be Leonardo because I can't think of anything but medieval tanks that can't move due to keeping secrets and crap. Also the first accurate gun ever.

  11. That's better! XD ... I think!
  12. Of course it's better.
  13. .... I think I like Darkness's version.
  14. Okay, my girlfriend made me read all the books, and I was particularly unsatisfied with the last one. The way I'd change the story altogether would be:

    Make Bella a little less of a cry baby and useless dead weight. Give her vampiric qualities as a human, so that she gets these people better. You know, dark clothes and into biting things. Also, give her enough common sense to run away from a bad guy instead of toward him!

    Get rid of the shining skin completely. Instead make the vampire's skin turn a bruised purple like what happens to a dead body after a while, but only when the sun hits it. The sun also gives them a mild sunburn.

    Stop making Edward sound so fuckin' perfect! And on that note, don't give her two supernatural men to choose from! Jacob stays her friend, period!

    In all, more violence and maybe even public displays of a vampire's powers, with the town suspecting something childish and stupid, like terrorists or freak natural accidents. Also more sex. That makes everything better.

    Don't read this last one if you didn't read all the books: Don't make the ending so happy! A little loss is good for realism. It's too much like a warped fairy-tale for me to honestly say 'I LOVE this'. It wasn't bad, but it's not exactly something I'd read twice.

    Well, there's my input.
  15. Hmmm...

    First off, let's make those generic highschool friends less generic. I seriously cannot remember any of them right now. Probably have one of them be prepared in case of EVERY POSSIBLE EVENTUALLITY. Jesus? Nailgun. Aliens? got the rifle right back here. Daleks? Here, have this thing with a blue light on the end. Jacob is the kinda sweet (and strong, and smart, and nice) dude she has a crush on but doesn't admit.

    Vampires are changed to be only slightly better than humans under normal circumstances, aside from their one superpower. For my purposes it doesn't particularly matter if they can come out during the day or not, but at school the Cullen "family" is full of slackers.

    This is a cover.

    They get their food through hunting down people who are committing crimes and dealing with them, and OMNOMNOM in the middle of the act. This is how Bella first gets to know Edward; she is in a bookstore or something with a pal and OHSHIT ROBBERS WAIT WHAT WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE WHY ARE THEY EATING THE ROBBERS OH GOD

    So the next day at school is rather awkward. A strange relationship develops between the two, with Bella trying to unwrap the mystery of the Cullen family. Waking up to find a dude outside your window is played for scary stuff, even though Edward leaves quickly and doesn't come back to see her at night. This event prompts Bella learning how to deal with supernatural stuff, taking lessons from Dr. Helsing out in the woods.

    In a side plot, her police father dad has to deal with an increasingly brutal string of murders. First some campers out in the woods, then Dr. Helsing, a family taking a roadtrip...the culprit displays a seemingly impossible level of strength and stamina, having ripped the doors off the car with ease.

    Bella starts to suspect that the Cullen family did it, and some of the more brutal members of it suggest killing her. Edward vouches to protect her because he realizes that he'd like to be more of a hero and less of an antihero. Far away, a government agency takes note of these murders and considers investigating forks, in a plot that only really shows up in the sequel.

    "prepared for everything" kid gets more paranoid, and eventually Bella's human pals decide to take levels in badass, led by the kinda jock dude she knows.

    Bella, being the smart girl she is, decides to confront Edward out in the woods. Edward reveals to her that his family haven't been behind the murders, and as they both decide to team up and fight evil (with Edward taking remedial mercy classes). The meeting is then interrupted by a Vampire Bear.

    You see, one of the Cullens is tired of the killing, and tried out fighting animals instead. It didn't completely work, and since the Bear's turning wasn't attended to, it became a Lesser Vampire-devoid of thought and reason, it lives only to find blood. Vampires such as the Cullens went through longer processes and are just better, with each one having a superpower. Greater vampires are the oldest and most powerful.

    Edward's power turns out to be highly flammable blood, and he uses it to distract/wound the bear while Bella gets Helsing's Holy Elephant Rifle ready. After a good few shots between the eyes of the bear, it goes down and the two head back to forks, new crusaders for justice.

    A massive black werewolf arrives on the scene just after the fight ends. It is (SHOCK) Jacob, and the book ends as Bella goes home and thinks on what her life will be like.

    Plot points for future books-
    Helsing's Legacy-all the things that badass mentor left behind, including a vial of Vampire Blood, potentially the earliest and most powerful sample ever obtained. Later turns out that dying was all part of his master plan.
    The Forks Miltia-after such attacks, the normal people in forks start becoming badasses, eventually making for a small army of supernatural stuff hunters.
    The MIB-They're the MIB!
    Other Vampires-Not quite as nice as the Cullen family, and that's saying something.
    Werewolves-Tradition holds that due to a magic ritual preformed at his birth, Jacob's destiny is to lead a wave of fur and fang, creating thousands of werewolves and returning america to a pre-columbian state. Trouble is he doesn't want to destroy american society as we know it.

    Damn, that was a bit of writing there.
  16. I think our versions should have a crossover in the third book, it'd be called "Dr. Helsing and a bunch of crusaders and the cast of Supernatural destroy hell barehanded."
  17. Yeah...Darkness...I'm thinking no. A: because it wouldn't be the same story anymore and B: You kinda put the ending in the title.
  18. I wouldnt rape the Vampire archetype.

    seriously. that is why i hate twilight.

    that and it reads like commercial fanfiction
    • Like Like x 1
  19. The sad thing is. I've read the entire series, seen the movies, and hated them.

    The only good thing that came of it?

    The helarity of watching the people who loved it (Twi-tards) and the novelty items created.

    And the fanfics were actually BETTER than the actual series.
  20. I will say one thing in defense of Twilight: the concept of ripping someone apart, and them being able to pull themselves back together if you don't burn them is pretty cool.
    Other than that, I'd change most of the stuff about the vampires.