How would YOU have done the "Twilight" story?


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Romance, Supernatural, Fantasy, Thriller, Space Exploration, Slice of Life
TWILIGHT featuring vampires that glisten in the sunlight, teenage fangirl candy, and cliche approach to stuff people just LOVE to complain about!

So Tell me: How would you have done the TWILIGHT story?

Rules: You can't say you're have burn the book. XD Pretend you've been told by your editor that you have to "fix" this book. You must tell us how this plotline could be better.

How would the story go? What pieces would you make different? What sort of improvements would you make?
Honestly, I probably would have resigned and found myself a job with another damn publishing house.

Assuming I didn't have that option, and assuming I had to keep the basic plot....Well, if I didn't -shoot myself-, then at the very least, the book would have ended with the chick getting bled.
It would end up a short story with Morbius the Living Vampire and Dracula (the cool one, not the original) killing everyone. Then, I would have been fired.
I will be fair and point out that vampire literature has always had a sexual subtext to it - the 'bite on the neck' was originally an allegory for sex. Well, and a way to drink their blood, but hey.

Not to be confused with vampire FOLKLORE which drew off Vladimir "Vlad the Impaler" Dracul, and was straight nightmare fuel.
Imagination boys... D:< Throw your hatred in the closet for a minute and gives us some creative plotting! Flex your genius muscles! >:D
I like what they did with Park Chan Wook's Thirst. Replace the Teenage girl with a lonely housewife with an abusive mother, Switch the old teenage looking vampire with a idealistic priest who accidentally is transfused with vampire blood, mix in angst, Mariticide, and vampiric suicide, and you have one awesome movie about helplessness of two lonely souls falling in love with each other.
Hmm. Well, I have, admittedly, read the first book, and it was...decent. Not good, but decent. In order to make it -good-, one would have to start with throwing out that 'nonviolent vampire' crap - they're vampires. They drink blood to survive. Sure, they may get it from nonhuman sources, but they can't just go on the wagon.

Second, what is this 'psychic vampires' bullshit? Yeah, they look good and they're smooth operators, but they ain't psychic. Their mojo is purely skill.

Third, this glittering in the sunlight business? Gotta go. I'll give you the crystalline effect, but there ain't gonna be no glittering. That kind of effect would give them a subtle glow in -direct- light (mood lighting/fluorescents don't count) and would make them look vaguely sinister -everywhere else.-

Fourth, play up the animosity between the wolves and the vamps. They keep SAYING there's a war on, but there is absolutely fuck-all evidence. Give us some.
Personally, I wouldn't have wrote it.

I don't like self-insert fanfictions, and I'm not a woman who thinks like she's 15, caucasian, and mostly fat.
I believe the point is that we're editors who're supposed to SALVAGE this travesty.
Oh. Well, I just got this idea:

The shitty town and fanfic setting of shitty gringotown would instead be medieval Europe, possibly Sweden, or somewhere in Asia, probably Turkey or something.

Bella instead of being a teenager girl would be a washed up former crusader or something like that, tired and old of shit. We'll call him Mr. Sade'.

Edward would instead of being Sparkle Princess he would be some sort of assassin in a vampiric clan, or like a cult of undead followers that's popping up somewhere. We'll call him Number 13.

Now, the story would have not a damn thing to do with the original Twilight, but I'm trying to make something good here.

Anyway, it turns out the vampire dude ended up boning his slut wife because he didn't fuck her enough (he was too busy killing mormons and muslims and shit like that, and she's a ho), it turns out the vampire dude kills one of Sade's sons because he finds out the dude was boning his mom (and you know it was bad that the kid of your affair knew you were boning it back then).

See now, Sade goes and it's like "MOTHERFUCKING BITCHES." and is like "FUCK I'M GONNA RAPE THIS BITCH WITH THE POINTY END OF A SPEAR MADE OF STEEL AND SPLINTERS, AND THE FAGGOT DISEASE" and he ends up going searching for the motherfucker.

In the end, after he's investigated, and generally kicked everything not technically alive (before or after they met him) into dust and lots of blood and stabbed flesh, he just goes "MY NAME IS MISTER SADE, YOU KILLED MY SON, PREPARE TO DIE." and he shoots a bolt into the vampire's head, he dies.

In the end I think his wife kills herself because she's a slut who can't deal with actually having to think, you know, like most women back then and like sluts and immature teenagers now.

He meets a guy who makes awesome stuff like "FUCKING HUGE BALLISTA MACHINE GUNS THAT SET FIRE TO THE BOLTS." And crap like that, for now he'll just be Leonardo because I can't think of anything but medieval tanks that can't move due to keeping secrets and crap. Also the first accurate gun ever.

That's better! XD ... I think!
.... I think I like Darkness's version.
Okay, my girlfriend made me read all the books, and I was particularly unsatisfied with the last one. The way I'd change the story altogether would be:

Make Bella a little less of a cry baby and useless dead weight. Give her vampiric qualities as a human, so that she gets these people better. You know, dark clothes and into biting things. Also, give her enough common sense to run away from a bad guy instead of toward him!

Get rid of the shining skin completely. Instead make the vampire's skin turn a bruised purple like what happens to a dead body after a while, but only when the sun hits it. The sun also gives them a mild sunburn.

Stop making Edward sound so fuckin' perfect! And on that note, don't give her two supernatural men to choose from! Jacob stays her friend, period!

In all, more violence and maybe even public displays of a vampire's powers, with the town suspecting something childish and stupid, like terrorists or freak natural accidents. Also more sex. That makes everything better.

Don't read this last one if you didn't read all the books: Don't make the ending so happy! A little loss is good for realism. It's too much like a warped fairy-tale for me to honestly say 'I LOVE this'. It wasn't bad, but it's not exactly something I'd read twice.

Well, there's my input.

First off, let's make those generic highschool friends less generic. I seriously cannot remember any of them right now. Probably have one of them be prepared in case of EVERY POSSIBLE EVENTUALLITY. Jesus? Nailgun. Aliens? got the rifle right back here. Daleks? Here, have this thing with a blue light on the end. Jacob is the kinda sweet (and strong, and smart, and nice) dude she has a crush on but doesn't admit.

Vampires are changed to be only slightly better than humans under normal circumstances, aside from their one superpower. For my purposes it doesn't particularly matter if they can come out during the day or not, but at school the Cullen "family" is full of slackers.

This is a cover.

They get their food through hunting down people who are committing crimes and dealing with them, and OMNOMNOM in the middle of the act. This is how Bella first gets to know Edward; she is in a bookstore or something with a pal and OHSHIT ROBBERS WAIT WHAT WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE WHY ARE THEY EATING THE ROBBERS OH GOD

So the next day at school is rather awkward. A strange relationship develops between the two, with Bella trying to unwrap the mystery of the Cullen family. Waking up to find a dude outside your window is played for scary stuff, even though Edward leaves quickly and doesn't come back to see her at night. This event prompts Bella learning how to deal with supernatural stuff, taking lessons from Dr. Helsing out in the woods.

In a side plot, her police father dad has to deal with an increasingly brutal string of murders. First some campers out in the woods, then Dr. Helsing, a family taking a roadtrip...the culprit displays a seemingly impossible level of strength and stamina, having ripped the doors off the car with ease.

Bella starts to suspect that the Cullen family did it, and some of the more brutal members of it suggest killing her. Edward vouches to protect her because he realizes that he'd like to be more of a hero and less of an antihero. Far away, a government agency takes note of these murders and considers investigating forks, in a plot that only really shows up in the sequel.

"prepared for everything" kid gets more paranoid, and eventually Bella's human pals decide to take levels in badass, led by the kinda jock dude she knows.

Bella, being the smart girl she is, decides to confront Edward out in the woods. Edward reveals to her that his family haven't been behind the murders, and as they both decide to team up and fight evil (with Edward taking remedial mercy classes). The meeting is then interrupted by a Vampire Bear.

You see, one of the Cullens is tired of the killing, and tried out fighting animals instead. It didn't completely work, and since the Bear's turning wasn't attended to, it became a Lesser Vampire-devoid of thought and reason, it lives only to find blood. Vampires such as the Cullens went through longer processes and are just better, with each one having a superpower. Greater vampires are the oldest and most powerful.

Edward's power turns out to be highly flammable blood, and he uses it to distract/wound the bear while Bella gets Helsing's Holy Elephant Rifle ready. After a good few shots between the eyes of the bear, it goes down and the two head back to forks, new crusaders for justice.

A massive black werewolf arrives on the scene just after the fight ends. It is (SHOCK) Jacob, and the book ends as Bella goes home and thinks on what her life will be like.

Plot points for future books-
Helsing's Legacy-all the things that badass mentor left behind, including a vial of Vampire Blood, potentially the earliest and most powerful sample ever obtained. Later turns out that dying was all part of his master plan.
The Forks Miltia-after such attacks, the normal people in forks start becoming badasses, eventually making for a small army of supernatural stuff hunters.
The MIB-They're the MIB!
Other Vampires-Not quite as nice as the Cullen family, and that's saying something.
Werewolves-Tradition holds that due to a magic ritual preformed at his birth, Jacob's destiny is to lead a wave of fur and fang, creating thousands of werewolves and returning america to a pre-columbian state. Trouble is he doesn't want to destroy american society as we know it.

Damn, that was a bit of writing there.
I think our versions should have a crossover in the third book, it'd be called "Dr. Helsing and a bunch of crusaders and the cast of Supernatural destroy hell barehanded."
Yeah...Darkness...I'm thinking no. A: because it wouldn't be the same story anymore and B: You kinda put the ending in the title.
I wouldnt rape the Vampire archetype.

seriously. that is why i hate twilight.

that and it reads like commercial fanfiction
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The sad thing is. I've read the entire series, seen the movies, and hated them.

The only good thing that came of it?

The helarity of watching the people who loved it (Twi-tards) and the novelty items created.

And the fanfics were actually BETTER than the actual series.
I will say one thing in defense of Twilight: the concept of ripping someone apart, and them being able to pull themselves back together if you don't burn them is pretty cool.
Other than that, I'd change most of the stuff about the vampires.