Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Blind Hemingway, Aug 12, 2010.


    1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.

    2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the

    3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray."

    4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the
    scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay
    $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

    5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

    6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

    7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.

    8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a
    whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".

    9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
    following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and
    read it to you.

    10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight,
    then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at X-3053."

    11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you
    to leave your house before 3pm.

    12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up
    all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family
    through the front window of your can't leave until the next
    day you have duty.

    13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.

    14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home
    (i.e., Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc).

    15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15

    16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This
    is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted off."

    17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3
    times a day, whether they need it or not. (Now sweepers, start your
    brooms, clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all trashcans over the

    18. Repaint your entire house once a month.

    19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning
    you can get your hands on.

    20. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each
    pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.

    21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
    magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.

    22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN
    and the Weather Channel.

    23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch
    and then show a different one.

    24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

    25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

    26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it "world

    27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

    28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead
    bodies of your coworkers.

    29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.

    30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone,
    and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and
    order them to man their battle stations. ("General quarters, general
    quarters, all hands man your battle stations")

    31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.

    32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you
    are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an
    hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of
    steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't
    pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.

    33. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the
    oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.

    34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway.
    Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

    35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell
    them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to
    Disneyland for "weekend liberty." When the end of the 6th week rolls
    around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Engineering-certification, and that it will be
    another week before they can leave the house.

    36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your
    not-so-closest friend (cite par. 12) regardless of gender, suffer through

    37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
    curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you
    go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble
    "Sorry, wrong rack."

    38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your
    bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.

    39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair
    and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. have a supply of
    stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

    40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

    41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living
    room eight hours a day.

    42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

    43. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.

    44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint
    sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbors
    car. Ignore his complaints.

    45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

    46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.

    47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
    sandwich on stale bread.

    48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and
    get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top
    button on your shirt, stuff you pants into your socks. Run out into the
    backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

    49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back
    together again.

    50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under
    it and read books.

    51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back
    doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass
    through one of them.

    52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard,
    starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and
    dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the
    kitchen "stowed for sea."

    53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in.
    Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your
    stove. Say ... to no one in particular "Stove manned and ready" Stand
    there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular
    "stove secured." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.
  2. ....... Oh my.
  3. whats really sad, is that ain't to far off from the real thing.
  4. This is truly fabulous. Allow me to briefly sum up infantry life as well.

    Get a backpack. Fill it with random stuff. Layer on the heaviest, hottest clothing you own, and put a dutch oven on your head (heh). Put on your backpack and get a can of water. Hike around in the height of summer where-ever you are all day with all this stuff on. Do some running! It's good for you! If you don't stroke out, congratulations--YOU ARE A SOLDIER.
  5. Oo
  6. Sounds like a barrel of laughs.

    If the barrel was made out of used needles and the laughs were actually angry scorpions.
  7. I'm getting the distinct impression the commercials are the best part about the Navy.
  8. durf hurf military life sucks why didn't i go to officer's school herp derp
  9. Because Dorkness you aren't loud enough to be an officer, yet.
  10. Acctualy Draconis let me help you out there, you left a few details out

    1. Put on the thickest clothing you own

    2. Put a pair of ten pound weights on your feet

    3. cover your torso in the most heat conductive material imaginable

    4. put a dutch oven on your head

    5. take your backpack and fill it with bricks, if lacking in bricks, rebar will do

    6. Put on said backpack

    7. fill up a one quart canteen with water

    8. go outside in the middle of summer, wait for an hour while someone decides what the fuck is going on

    9. walk fifteen miles into the woodlands because a light in your dash is out

    10. run, jump and roll around in the mud, dirt, grass and critters of this woodland.

    11. hike back home.

    12. drop the backpack, dutch oven and vest of burning

    13. go stand outside, until the sun comes down while someone uses way to many words to say way to little about things you could give two shits about

    Brief summary of one of my days in the army

    plus if you pass out during any of this, it's not the dumbass in charge's fault for being a retard and not knowing his soldiers limits, it's your's...for no apparent reason at all.
  11. ....So reenacting the Civil War is just like the modern military....
  12. Yeah, some things never change rory.
  13. and if you're a Master at Arms in Our Beloved Navy, you get the best of both the Army and Navy worlds
  14. You forgot to mention that hilarious Gunny Sergeant that you meet.

    Sometimes those guys can make it all worth it. Hell in the AF, I met a couple.
  15. I want to hear about this.