How to Go about Romance?

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Levusti, Jul 21, 2014.

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  1. Hi, guise! It's Lev again!
    And I've got a question for you guise that I'd wonder if you could enlighten me with your opinion.

    When I was about fourteen years old, when all my other friends started to explore the romantic side of life, I told myself this: "Don't date. Not because you're too young, Lev, but because you're not ready." And I really wasn't. I would only date when I KNEW I was ready to date.

    So skip about six years in the future to the present. I'm twenty-one, and I asked myself this today: "Are you ready to date?" And I thought and thought and pondered and pondered and wondered and wondered until I concluded that Yes! I am physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically ready to find romance.

    However, this is where I'm finding trouble. Most, if not all of my friends, already have had so much experience dating, that they know what they look for. And I wondered the same--as it turns out, I don't know what I really want. I've been set up on a handful of blind dates, some with men and some with women and they all went SPLAT. No bueno, mi amigo. No bueno.

    So I've been doing more thinking and pondering and wondering what it is I'm looking for and I drew a blank. So here I am now saying, "Let's ask other people!"

    I'm wondering what you look for in a partner. And how do you go about it? And is there any advice you think you could give me?

    I don't care if you're younger or older, male or female, naive or experienced. What do you think?

    I know it's kinda vague or nebulous, all this is. However, I can't seem to articulate what I feel into words right now. So I hope you understand!

    I look forward to some well thought out answers.
     
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  2. If you click with someone, you click.

    There's nothing fancy or poetic or philosophical about much of it.

    If you and another person just sorta work off of each other's energy, be it finishing sentences, throwing ideas around until you form a massive web of inside jokes and hilarity with one another, you'll know.

    Overthinking ruins it.

    Like it ruins everything.
     
  3. It always depends what you look in a partner, as the opinions are soooo different for everybody and as the others will always criticise your choices.

    I for myself, after being in three Deep and long relationships, I can say that I am not looking Anymore for a certain person or a Perfect match, whatever you call it..

    It is easy to get caught up in the stereotypes which the others try to make you think it is the best option.

    You have to find Definitely someone who You are comfortable around with, able to make stupid jokes and not get offended, be serious when needed.

    A person who would understand You and want you for you, not the clothes you wear or the video games you might play and ramble about over the phone at 2am.;)

    Through your life you'll meet hundreds of people, with some you have things in common and with others you argue etc.

    It is actually a though choice to make ,come to think about a right relationship. You learn along the way the Things you like in a partner and things you don't.

    Getting back to myself. Simple things which are always a Plus for me in a man are: must have sense of humour, caring, kind and with a balanced mind and to be silly at times.

    Again it depends, of the person you meet because on the way you will find some things you dislike but the again that's called Experience.

    Only time will tell for sure.^^

    For now. Just experience the fields, see how Your first impressions have an impact on you and if it changes as time passes by towards a certain person. Like a small innocent Experiment.
    Only this way you'll learn and know what You want for sure.

    I hope this helps somehow ..;)

    P.s. You're still young.
     
    #3 PureKor, Jul 21, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2014
  4. It's good that you're ready to date Levi! I respect the fact that you took the time to ask yourself this question, as it's important to do self reflection on the topic of love.

    What I look for in a partner... And in this case what traits my partner currently has:

    - Funny
    - Confident
    - Motivated
    - Passionate
    - Compassionate
    - Honest, different from blunt I think

    Advice:

    Keep looking! Don't give up! Don't let one bad date get you down. There are plenty of people in this world, and there has to be one person for you.
    Asking your friends what they look for in a partner is a really great idea, but also pay attention to the things that don't work for you. Like habits, lifestyle, views, etc. These are all things that you have to keep in mind as well.
     
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  5. All of this is good advice.

    People tend to over analyze relationships. Follow your heart/gut/feelings. Logic is your enemy here because you can always talk yourself into settling for less than perfect.

    Don't settle or make excuses for anyone.
    Don't look to change someone's core nature.
    Really good relationships are 100/100 not 50/50.
    Be yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. -If you are not confident in who you are and what type of man you wish to be, it will be hard to identify a potential mate.
    You have to be happy with your life and yourself before you enter into a relationship. You can't look for someone else to make you happy because that puts unfair pressure and expectations on her.

    I don't know what type of guy you are but here's one more rule. One-night stands make bad girlfriends. If you meet a girl and think there could be more than just physical attraction avoid the temptation to go home and trip the Light-Set-tastic.
     
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  6. My first major partner was my worst.

    I was coming to terms with the fact that I was bisexual- which is hard being in the Bible Belt. A girl who had been to juvie several times moved to the school- and to me, she was beautiful. In looks and the way she talked and acted. I lost my virginity to said girl, and then she got me hooked on heroin.

    Moral of the story-
    If you like them, and they are beyond saving, don't stay with them. I was on heroine off four months, but rehab was nearly a year long (it didn't help that I self harmed, either).


    Best things to get a girl caring:
    •be open to even the strangest of topics
    •just go ahead and say how you think of her. It sounds corny, but if she likes you the things running through her head are similar to yours. Just re-assure her that she's gorgeous and you're attracted to her.
    •learn to kiss good. And when to kiss. Body language is sooooo important....however....
    •minimal physical contact on the first date.
    •text her back a couple of days after the first date- let her start to feel like she did something wrong. It sounds bad...but it really makes me want someone when I think I can't have them.

    Hope my tips and story help!
     
  7. You'll have to go through lot of trial and error while dating. XD Only lucky crazy people get it right immediately. You jut pay attention to the things that you really liked about the people you dated, and the things you really hated. Eventually you start to get a picture of what you're looking for in a mate.

    I have noticed that if I can't be friends with someone first, there is no way I could date them. Of course, dating for me was about finding my FOR-LIFE partner, so in the back of my head was always "is this someone you could spend the rest of your life with?" and that influenced a lot of my dating choices. >> For example, I never clicked well with people who were devout in their Religion, because it was something that conflicted too much with my lifestyle.

    I've always been attracted to guys that were taller than me and were manly, and made me feel like a girl!

    And I've always dated dudes who had strong opinions and sense of self. The ones I was most attracted to were the ones that treated me like their equal, not someone who talked down to me, and not someone putting me on a pedestal. I needed an equal partner.

    That made me laugh but also made me want to scream. O___O If I caught wind of someone pulling that crap on me, I dropped them quick! Dina don't play no dating games. Diana asks for what she wants, and gets what she wants. >:]

    /end rambles of an old woman's that's now been in a single committed relationship longer than she's been dating and has no idea how dating works now. O____O
     
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  8. Also!!!

    Dinner and a movie is not a good setup for a date!

    Movies should never be use for dates. You can't talk to each other...you can't even see each other.
    Dinners and meals should be thought out carefully as well. Formal and expensive dining can lead to anxiety for some women. I know a lot of women who feel overwhelmed when men spend big bucks on them like now they have to do something in return [PRESSURE].

    As corny as it sounds, going to a public park for a walk and some face time on a swing set are good ideas [not after dark though...don't be THAT creepy guy]
     
  9. Go forth and meet lots of people. Join clubs, try new things, start conversations with strangers, and meet friends of friends of friends!

    Don't go into a date with romantic expectations, go in with the intention of getting to know someone better.

    And remember that being single =\= being alone

    As for what to look for ... Most people find the lists they make that their soulmate must match are full of things that don't really matter. I think it's a big red flag if you disagree strongly on important life stuff like whether they want kids, want to get married, want to travel instead of settling down or visa versa, but these are things you can't really bring up on a first, fifth, or fiftieth date so it's kind of off topic.

    Find someone you can relax with who makes you happy and motivates you.
     
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  10. Blind dates aren't great for this reason: you are both seeking out someone with the intent of making that person your soul mate. Never start a relationship with the idea in your head that you will fall in love with them. I strongly believe committed relationships start out as friendships. My advice is to just put yourself out there more, and meet more people, make more friends. If you feel comfortable with them, disclose information about yourself and they will do the same. Another point: relationships are built on trust.


    Literally what Minibit just said -.-
     
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  11. I dated nice girls. Bad girls and girls with a lot of emotional baggage were signs to me that they weren't ready to handle my kind of lifestyle.

    I come from a professional background where discipline, self-control, strong emotional control, and clinical detatchment are virtues to doing a good job so I can make very hard decisions objectively.

    As a result, I don't have the time, inclination, or patience to deal with extemporaneous nonsense.

    The kind of women I looked for was the one I married: sweet, nice, patient, and more than willing to put up with some of the off the wall geeky antics I come up with in order to decompress. This as the woman who, despite not being a geek herself, was willing to come to an anime convention with me and interested in exploring new things, as well as sharing her interests with me.

    A partner is the kind of person who is willing to take a piece of you and make it their own, as well as giving you something new right back.

    As far as the decision to marry, I asked myself "Where would I be if this person wasn't with me tomorrow?" If you can't answer that, then that might be the time to advance the relationship.
     
  12. Agree with the learn when a kiss is appropriate bit, but honestly I end up with spit all over my lower face when I make out with my bf and I still love him to bits. "Kissing good" is nice, but not crucial to actual affection.

    And I'm with Diana on the guilting thing; it's definitely not for everyone. More and more women are down for doing the pursuing and going right ahead with what they want; playing hard to get runs on the priniple of people wanting what they can't have, but it's getting really dated in modern society.
     
  13. Well, I'm only 16 (Haha I'm a youngster) and I've had previously REALLLLLY bad relationships. They were all douchebags and wanted me for their own desires. Luckily, I have met a great person and have been in a relationship with them for a year. (Not that long to some of you, but still pretty long. XD) My point is, you're gonna meet soooo many different kinds of people. NEVER settle for less. I definitely made that mistake. Here is a tip; get to know the person for a while before you start to officially dating. That way you know what you are getting yourself into. Now, I will be brutally honest. Relationships can be really rough at times, but if it is the right person, then it is worth it. ^.^ I wish you the best of luck on your quest of finding love!
     
  14. There are a few things I always tell people when it comes to dating:

    1. Love yourself first and be happy with yourself. If you can't do that, then it's hard for others to love you too and it's hard for you to know what kind of love you want.
    2. Pick someone who reads. Fluently is best, but they just shouldn't hate to at minimum.
    3. Finally, aim for a best friend, not a lover if you're going for the long haul. Sure a lover is what you want, but when you just want to relax and be yourself it's much better to do so with your best friend. "Part time lover, full time friend" is the phrase I'm thinking of here.

    Now I'm not saying these are keys to success, but they've done well for me so far. So there's that.
     
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  15. Twenty-five and I still search on.

    Superficial or just picky (open)
    I've considered I may be a somewhat shallow person however when it comes to looking for a partner. Despite the entire "its whats on the inside that counts" routine, I've found that over the past sixteen years not to be true in most cases. I may be a bit off topic, but a persons habits can directly result their outward appearance, hence I don't affiliate on a sexual level women who are unnaturally fat. But of course, you must still get to know somebody first to begin delving into who they are and how they have come to be none-the-less. Which leads me to my second point, an intelligent woman. Not necessarily book smart, but keeps her wit about her, is aware of her environment and can see past the superficial but understand why it appears as it is, which directly reflects my first point. As intelligence also applies other qualities, patience is something that I see coming hand in hand with that.


    Otherwise (unless your just looking for sex) and as others have stated, be yourself. Altering pieces of the way you act in the first place, but later revealing the truth of what you are can be a devastating blow to the relationship you'd strain to build in the first place. If somebody cannot accept the truth of your personality and cannot come to terms with it, move on unless you truly believe you both can come to terms with each others pet peeves. Along with being yourself, sacrifice will come and go in small bursts for both you and your significant other. You must give it your all while they reflect your efforts, but again, this can take time in many cases but do not let it discourage you. But of course, I also speak from past subjective experience on all this.

    I've dated numerous girls, then women over a time and have found this to ring true. Some of which are still good friends of mine whom one day may develop and again become an interest in my life. But do not mistake a previous relationships friendship as a fallback or rebound option. We all need a safety net and that is what friends are for, but do not mistake past emotion with the need to lean on a friends shoulder; a friend is what any good relationship starts as, not a sexual interest. But, as stated before, subjective experience. But I ramble...

    The one you do set your heart on after a long enough time is your best friend. I've observed with with my mother and father until the day death parted them. They were more than a husband and wife, but the closest of friends; two souls bonding through the years and giving every ounce of love that could be given and would be returned in full. Love begets love my friend, as does avarice and hate. But that is something farther along a line and I'm probably off subject again and rambling.

    Please, just tell me to shut up.
    Otherwise, I hoped you enjoyed my two cents.
    Which turned into about fifty cents.
     
  16. Lev, I feel you.

    Before you read, I should mention that my advice is on dating for the long-term - dating to try to find someone you want to be with for the rest of your life. You're still young, and if you feel you're not at that stage yet, I totally understand. Dating for fun and dating for life are totally different. To be clear, I'm talking about dating for life.

    You asked about the kinds of things other people look for in a partner, and I understand the reason for that. But, I also think it's counterproductive to confine yourself to a set of desirable characteristics. Love isn't a tick sheet that you can go through checking off prerequisites! People who look for love this way almost never find what they're looking for.

    Be open-minded. Be willing to give things a shot. Worst case, they don't work, you learn, and you grow. If you're 21, you have plenty of time to do plenty of growing.

    Obviously, physical attraction is surface-level. It's a significant draw and an attention grabber, but as you get to know a person, really evaluate whether you find their personality attractive. Whatever it is. If you do, it's worth pursuing in my opinion.

    All I can really say is, be honest with yourself, and be honest with the person you are dating. Expect the same in return. DO NOT under any circumstances, play games. None of this waiting three days to call or text nonsense. Be upfront with someone and show them respect. Treat them as a peer. If they are not willing to do the same with you, they're not worth your time.

    As your relationship grows, don't try to change someone, and don't settle for someone who wants to change you. You want to love someone for who they are and to help them grow to become an even better version of who they are - there's a subtle difference there. My bottom line is, if your partner loves you for who you are, but at the same time makes you want to be better FOR YOU (NOT FOR THEM), and you feel the same way about them, that's a keeper.
     
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