F
Freedom
Guest
Oh, wonderful!! And thank you ^_^ I try to be as kind as possible. I know that the criticism is only to help. I can't wait until we can start!!!
Hollow Plague (medieval zombie RP/OOC)
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T
Tanstin
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- High Fantasy (things dealing with magical worlds, often with multiple races think final fantasy and its many varying incarnations), Dark Fantasy (fantasy dealing generally with darker themes such as monsters and demons), Action, Supernatural
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Tanstin
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- Invitation Status
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- One post per day
- 1-3 posts per week
- Writing Levels
- Intermediate
- Adept
- Advanced
- Adaptable
- Preferred Character Gender
- Primarily Prefer Male
- Genres
- High Fantasy (things dealing with magical worlds, often with multiple races think final fantasy and its many varying incarnations), Dark Fantasy (fantasy dealing generally with darker themes such as monsters and demons), Action, Supernatural
Tanstin. You would be best off re-writing his history completely, the edits you made were rather incomplete. I hadn't thought that i needed to spell it out, but the cave spiders and rock giants that you mention in your history are also a no-go since you never bothered to discuss with me beforehand if these creatures existed in the universe of the hollow plague.
I'll also note that, while you edited the girl as no longer being a vampire, you still didn't actually change this section "As quickly as he could without her noticing, he opened his pack and took out the only thing he knew could kill a vampire, that was a steak. You're not reading it wrong, nor is it a grammatical error on my part, Wallace had heard the legends but mistook Stake for the meat kind." sloppy.
the immortality potion is also a no-go. chiefly (but not only) because you don;t actually explain what it does beyond saying that it healed his wounds (in which case just making it a health potion would have sufficed). Either way, there are no rpg-like potions in this world. While there is a herbalist practice that uses magical talent in the creation of salves, tonics and other substances with supernatural effect, this practice works in a way that is completely different from skyrim's 'here, drink this potion and suddenly all your wounds will close up and you can keep fighting'. and practitioners of this art are very rare (hence me not actually mentioning it in the opening post).
you also made the mistake in your revised section to call hollowmen zombies.
I also find it highly ironic that you took the advice i gave to you for your character in Eureka (finding an old necromancer attempting to make himself into a lich) and applied it to this character instead. I appreciate the gesture, but again that's gonna have to be a no-go because, as I've said before, magic in this setting works much differently than what you'll usually find in fantasy setting (in stark contrast to Eureka where it seems that every form of magic you've ever heard of is legit). I can't say I've ever given much thought to the idea, but I'm nearly positive that becoming a litch wouldn't be possible with the way I've set up the workings of magic in this, and if it was it wouldn't be in the classic way that i described back on eureka (putting your soul into a container that is bound to you and all that).
"as he grew weak so did his powers" yeah, that's wrong. Magic in this world is very much like a science. an esoteric science dealing in the manipulation of invisible forces that radiate throughout the cosmos, but a science all the same. A scientist doesn't get dumber with age, he learns more and makes new discoveries as he continues his research. The only point at which a scientist's age starts to affect his capabilities in the scientific field is when he comes down with something like Alzheimer or dementia, and while those illnesses are common with the elderly, there are still plenty of people who die of old age but remained mentally active even in their last years and were just as sharp and intelligent even as they neared death's door.
So yeah, a magician usually only becomes better at his craft as he ages, not worse.
and you also mention your character being the king's son. Hes the king's cousin's son. If he were the king's son he'd be a prince, and therefore a royal, not a noble (yes there is a difference).
so yeah, all in all, like i said, you;re probably better off just re-writing the history entirely. And this time i would advise that you come and ask me before introducing something to my universe. i know that you;re still quite new to forum roleplaying, but one important thing to realize is that different rps will have very different levels of acceptability when it comes to players introducing new elements to the universe by themselves.
Eureka is a very open universe rp that accepts nearly any mythos, lore, species, technology, and geography that you can think of because the main attaction is the meeting and mixing of characters and races from completely different backgrounds. and that's fine.
My roleplays, on teh other hand, tend to be a lot more structured. If i say 'no, this isn't part of my roleplay' i'm not saying it to be a dick, i'm saying it because the setting that I' ve created needs to make sense in my head for me to be able to write a story in it.
take, for example, your CS's previous inclusion of a dragon. Well, if i allowed you to make dragons a part of my universe, then now i have to think of why none of them are in the plot i've made for this rp. Where will tehy all be while this is all going down? why aren't they affected by the plague? why hasn't the atlusian military captured and trained some of them to ride into battle as beasts of war? if a single knight can kill one (even with a lot of luck on his side), then that should be possible, and if that's possible, then the hollow plague pretty much looses its entire threat level when you;ve got dragoon knights who can fly overhead and roast the entire enemy army. etc. etc. etc.
rule of thumb, if the GM doesn't specifically state that it's an 'open universe' and that you can add things to it at your lesiur, it's better to ask the GM first, especially in roleplays where you notice that a lot of work/thought has been put into describing its core mechanics like how magic and/or technology works.
I'll also note that, while you edited the girl as no longer being a vampire, you still didn't actually change this section "As quickly as he could without her noticing, he opened his pack and took out the only thing he knew could kill a vampire, that was a steak. You're not reading it wrong, nor is it a grammatical error on my part, Wallace had heard the legends but mistook Stake for the meat kind." sloppy.
the immortality potion is also a no-go. chiefly (but not only) because you don;t actually explain what it does beyond saying that it healed his wounds (in which case just making it a health potion would have sufficed). Either way, there are no rpg-like potions in this world. While there is a herbalist practice that uses magical talent in the creation of salves, tonics and other substances with supernatural effect, this practice works in a way that is completely different from skyrim's 'here, drink this potion and suddenly all your wounds will close up and you can keep fighting'. and practitioners of this art are very rare (hence me not actually mentioning it in the opening post).
you also made the mistake in your revised section to call hollowmen zombies.
I also find it highly ironic that you took the advice i gave to you for your character in Eureka (finding an old necromancer attempting to make himself into a lich) and applied it to this character instead. I appreciate the gesture, but again that's gonna have to be a no-go because, as I've said before, magic in this setting works much differently than what you'll usually find in fantasy setting (in stark contrast to Eureka where it seems that every form of magic you've ever heard of is legit). I can't say I've ever given much thought to the idea, but I'm nearly positive that becoming a litch wouldn't be possible with the way I've set up the workings of magic in this, and if it was it wouldn't be in the classic way that i described back on eureka (putting your soul into a container that is bound to you and all that).
"as he grew weak so did his powers" yeah, that's wrong. Magic in this world is very much like a science. an esoteric science dealing in the manipulation of invisible forces that radiate throughout the cosmos, but a science all the same. A scientist doesn't get dumber with age, he learns more and makes new discoveries as he continues his research. The only point at which a scientist's age starts to affect his capabilities in the scientific field is when he comes down with something like Alzheimer or dementia, and while those illnesses are common with the elderly, there are still plenty of people who die of old age but remained mentally active even in their last years and were just as sharp and intelligent even as they neared death's door.
So yeah, a magician usually only becomes better at his craft as he ages, not worse.
and you also mention your character being the king's son. Hes the king's cousin's son. If he were the king's son he'd be a prince, and therefore a royal, not a noble (yes there is a difference).
so yeah, all in all, like i said, you;re probably better off just re-writing the history entirely. And this time i would advise that you come and ask me before introducing something to my universe. i know that you;re still quite new to forum roleplaying, but one important thing to realize is that different rps will have very different levels of acceptability when it comes to players introducing new elements to the universe by themselves.
Eureka is a very open universe rp that accepts nearly any mythos, lore, species, technology, and geography that you can think of because the main attaction is the meeting and mixing of characters and races from completely different backgrounds. and that's fine.
My roleplays, on teh other hand, tend to be a lot more structured. If i say 'no, this isn't part of my roleplay' i'm not saying it to be a dick, i'm saying it because the setting that I' ve created needs to make sense in my head for me to be able to write a story in it.
take, for example, your CS's previous inclusion of a dragon. Well, if i allowed you to make dragons a part of my universe, then now i have to think of why none of them are in the plot i've made for this rp. Where will tehy all be while this is all going down? why aren't they affected by the plague? why hasn't the atlusian military captured and trained some of them to ride into battle as beasts of war? if a single knight can kill one (even with a lot of luck on his side), then that should be possible, and if that's possible, then the hollow plague pretty much looses its entire threat level when you;ve got dragoon knights who can fly overhead and roast the entire enemy army. etc. etc. etc.
rule of thumb, if the GM doesn't specifically state that it's an 'open universe' and that you can add things to it at your lesiur, it's better to ask the GM first, especially in roleplays where you notice that a lot of work/thought has been put into describing its core mechanics like how magic and/or technology works.
- Invitation Status
- Posting Speed
- Multiple posts per day
- 1-3 posts per day
- One post per day
- 1-3 posts per week
- Writing Levels
- Intermediate
- Adept
- Advanced
- Adaptable
- Preferred Character Gender
- Primarily Prefer Male
- Genres
- High Fantasy (things dealing with magical worlds, often with multiple races think final fantasy and its many varying incarnations), Dark Fantasy (fantasy dealing generally with darker themes such as monsters and demons), Action, Supernatural
if he revises and makes an acceptable character, yes, that will bring us down to only 1 spot left.
T
Tanstin
Guest
Sorry about that dude, I don't want to give you any more trouble, but I do want to work in the RP. Learning experience I suppose. However, I refuse to give up as long as I am given a chance, I'm gonna continue revising whenever I have the chance to.
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- Primarily Prefer Male
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well, i've never yet in my career as a gm said "You make shitty character sheets, stop trying and go home" but i think i'm going to have t and i'm not gonna start now ( ;p)
my policy is that everyone is free to post a character sheet as many times as it takes you before you get it right or you run out of patience, whichever comes first.
if you see it as a learning experience, then that just makes me respect you more because it shows you can accept your failings with humility and see them as ways to improve yourself. The world needs more people like that in my opinion.
my policy is that everyone is free to post a character sheet as many times as it takes you before you get it right or you run out of patience, whichever comes first.
if you see it as a learning experience, then that just makes me respect you more because it shows you can accept your failings with humility and see them as ways to improve yourself. The world needs more people like that in my opinion.
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- Post-apocalyptic, Sci-fi, Fantasy, Real Life, Comedy, Mistery and Horror
Name:
Hayden Payne
Age:
23
Gender:
Female
Class:
Huntress of the Wilds
Appearance:
Hayden Payne
Age:
23
Gender:
Female
Class:
Huntress of the Wilds
Appearance:
Weapon of Choice:
Bow and arrows
Equipment:
Bow and arrows, Rope, snares, knife, sack, herbs, animal teeth or tusks...
Possessions:
Trained hawk, Book of Wilderness
Personality:
Calm, fearless, intelligent, introvert, loyal to those that she choose, loner, aggressive and fearsome in combat, dedicated, stubborn, tolerant but ruthless when she can't tolerate any more
History:
She was born in the usual working family, dedicated to the King. Working hard with her father that made armours and helping her mother that was village's medic. At the age of 15 she was already noticed as an exceptional archer and intelligent young person learning fast. She was took in by orders of King and had been given the best education in both usual knowledge and combat. She learned to ride a horse, practice her archery skills and close combat, surviving in wilderness and tracking. When things went wrong, she was forced to kill her parents that were plagued, and right after that, she retrieved to forest with only few belongings and leaving everything behind. There she found a cave that she made as comfortable as she could. Things were looking good and she decided to stay. Having enough food and herbs for medicine she had no reason to move anywhere else. Though she lost contact with humans, she never became completely savage although she is "hard to handle" and doesn't accept just any authority, especially since she got used to fight for her place in the "mostly men" army.
Bow and arrows
Equipment:
Bow and arrows, Rope, snares, knife, sack, herbs, animal teeth or tusks...
Possessions:
Trained hawk, Book of Wilderness
Personality:
Calm, fearless, intelligent, introvert, loyal to those that she choose, loner, aggressive and fearsome in combat, dedicated, stubborn, tolerant but ruthless when she can't tolerate any more
History:
She was born in the usual working family, dedicated to the King. Working hard with her father that made armours and helping her mother that was village's medic. At the age of 15 she was already noticed as an exceptional archer and intelligent young person learning fast. She was took in by orders of King and had been given the best education in both usual knowledge and combat. She learned to ride a horse, practice her archery skills and close combat, surviving in wilderness and tracking. When things went wrong, she was forced to kill her parents that were plagued, and right after that, she retrieved to forest with only few belongings and leaving everything behind. There she found a cave that she made as comfortable as she could. Things were looking good and she decided to stay. Having enough food and herbs for medicine she had no reason to move anywhere else. Though she lost contact with humans, she never became completely savage although she is "hard to handle" and doesn't accept just any authority, especially since she got used to fight for her place in the "mostly men" army.
T
Tanstin
Guest
Ah, what could accentuate an RP better than your wild huntress type, btw is that a picture of Drow ranger?Name:
Hayden Payne
Age:
23
Gender:
Female
Class:
Huntress of the Wilds
Appearance:
Weapon of Choice:
Bow and arrows
Equipment:
Bow and arrows, Rope, snares, knife, sack, herbs, animal teeth or tusks...
Possessions:
Trained hawk, Book of Wilderness
Personality:
Calm, fearless, intelligent, introvert, loyal to those that she choose, loner, aggressive and fearsome in combat, dedicated, stubborn, tolerant but ruthless when she can't tolerate any more
History:
She was born in the usual working family, dedicated to the King. Working hard with her father that made armours and helping her mother that was village's medic. At the age of 15 she was already noticed as an exceptional archer and intelligent young person learning fast. She was took in by orders of King and had been given the best education in both usual knowledge and combat. She learned to ride a horse, practice her archery skills and close combat, surviving in wilderness and tracking. When things went wrong, she was forced to kill her parents that were plagued, and right after that, she retrieved to forest with only few belongings and leaving everything behind. There she found a cave that she made as comfortable as she could. Things were looking good and she decided to stay. Having enough food and herbs for medicine she had no reason to move anywhere else. Though she lost contact with humans, she never became completely savage although she is "hard to handle" and doesn't accept just any authority, especially since she got used to fight for her place in the "mostly men" army.
- Invitation Status
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- Online Availability
- 17:00 - 20:00 +2GMT
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- Adept
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- Genres
- Post-apocalyptic, Sci-fi, Fantasy, Real Life, Comedy, Mistery and Horror
Yes, it is a Drow ranger indeed, and I thought you might use something out of ordinary to keep this RP interesting enough. Glad you like it :)
T
Tanstin
Guest
- Invitation Status
- Not accepting invites at this time
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- 1-3 posts per week
- Online Availability
- 17:00 - 20:00 +2GMT
- Writing Levels
- Intermediate
- Adept
- Advanced
- Adaptable
- Preferred Character Gender
- No Preferences
- Genres
- Post-apocalyptic, Sci-fi, Fantasy, Real Life, Comedy, Mistery and Horror
N
Namora
Guest
[ .....I really hope competition is allowed, because I was planning on going for that spot...... :/ ]
T
Tanstin
Guest
Well, the GM hasn't made a precise ruling on what is accepted, if you really want to get in, I suggest popping in a template anyway, and hope for the best. Actually, not sure if the GM saw the revisions I made in my template.
- Invitation Status
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- 1-3 posts per day
- One post per day
- 1-3 posts per week
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- Intermediate
- Adept
- Advanced
- Adaptable
- Preferred Character Gender
- Primarily Prefer Male
- Genres
- High Fantasy (things dealing with magical worlds, often with multiple races think final fantasy and its many varying incarnations), Dark Fantasy (fantasy dealing generally with darker themes such as monsters and demons), Action, Supernatural
Name:
Hayden Payne
Age:
23
Gender:
Female
Class:
Huntress of the Wilds
Appearance:
Weapon of Choice:
Bow and arrows
Equipment:
Bow and arrows, Rope, snares, knife, sack, herbs, animal teeth or tusks...
Possessions:
Trained hawk, Book of Wilderness
Personality:
Calm, fearless, intelligent, introvert, loyal to those that she choose, loner, aggressive and fearsome in combat, dedicated, stubborn, tolerant but ruthless when she can't tolerate any more
History:
She was born in the usual working family, dedicated to the King. Working hard with her father that made armours and helping her mother that was village's medic. At the age of 15 she was already noticed as an exceptional archer and intelligent young person learning fast. She was took in by orders of King and had been given the best education in both usual knowledge and combat. She learned to ride a horse, practice her archery skills and close combat, surviving in wilderness and tracking. When things went wrong, she was forced to kill her parents that were plagued, and right after that, she retrieved to forest with only few belongings and leaving everything behind. There she found a cave that she made as comfortable as she could. Things were looking good and she decided to stay. Having enough food and herbs for medicine she had no reason to move anywhere else. Though she lost contact with humans, she never became completely savage although she is "hard to handle" and doesn't accept just any authority, especially since she got used to fight for her place in the "mostly men" army.
I don't dislike the character, but for the moment she's a little too 'bare' for me to accept her. I'd like you to develop her history some more, give me more details about her circumstances and upbringing (such as what circumstances led to her being noted as such a great archer, giving examples of what daily life was like working in the army, how many years she's been in the wilds, who exactly taught her to survive out there, why she chose to stay in teh wilds when she had been living in civilization her whole life etc.). Being taken in as a peasant to be trained among the king's finest (his imperial knights excluded, of course) is a pretty damn high honour, especially for a woman (a 15 year old woman in those times would rather be expected to find herself a husband and start making kids than to take up arms and fight for her country), so you;re gonna have to describe some pretty impressive feat that she did for her to get to that position, and also explain where she got her archery skills to begin with as well.
3-4 paragraphs is what i usually consider an acceptable minimum for a history section, but if you can do more then by all means give me more.
there are also a few corrections you;re gonna have to make. She would not have been forced to kill her parents because the hollow plague is a rather recent occurrence (it only made its appearance in the southern lands about a year ago, and the kingdom has only actually known about it and its movements for a few months now).
you also mention her being trained in close combat as a soldier of the king. That I'm gonna have to ask you to change. The huntress of course won;t be a pushover 'fair lady' who can;t handle herself in a brawl, but the character class cannot have any formal training in CQC or any melee weaponry. That is basically reserved for the knight and the guard captain. Same goes with learning to ride a horse for combat (remember that in medieval times a horse was considered to be worth 5 or 10 footsoldiers in battle, they weren't just given to anyone and unless that particular military force specialized in cavalry tactics, it was rare to see average (read: non-noble) soldiers as part of cavalry units).
oh, and be sure to mention that that isn't her actual skin tone (you're free to keep the war paintings though, those are actually quite fitting for a huntress character).
so yeah, the character isn't 'bad' by any means, i just want to see her be expanded on.
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- Preferred Character Gender
- Primarily Prefer Male
- Genres
- High Fantasy (things dealing with magical worlds, often with multiple races think final fantasy and its many varying incarnations), Dark Fantasy (fantasy dealing generally with darker themes such as monsters and demons), Action, Supernatural
In roleplays with limited space i always work on a first come first served basis, no reserving spots. If you manage to put up an acceptable CS for a huntress character before ritual lobotomy can, then you've earned that spot fair and square.
you know, it's funny, i had two girls competing for the huntress spot the last time I ran this roleplay as well.
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lol, you didn't actually tel me you had already made a second set of edits, did you? ;)
i'll check out the character now.
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