These new general threads are making me get more and more personal about myself. What is this new phenomena? Did I not do this before?
There are many days in my memory that I would like to relive for the sake of reliving the joy, but after I started writing this sentence, it occurred to me that reliving a joyful memory might destroy the perfection of it in my mind..
Another day, in the future, that I would like to have the chance is, if I am alive, the day that my father passes away, because I know, however and whenever it happens, it will be emotionally catastrophic for me.
Finally, the one day that came up in my mind when I read Kitti's post and saw the hourglass, is a rather painful memory, so forgive me for being vague (:
My thirteen-year-old self made a choice that changed someone else's life and possibly left a permanent mark on a famiy member's life and future. Although there are many reasons to justify my actions, I still regret the choice. If I could relive that day, I would not succumb to my fear and I would not let the trauma affect my reasoning. I would tell myself that in the long run, even if I had to suffer a little bit more, even if I had to hold back the tears and swallow the words I wanted to say, it would have been better if we both had survived that difficult stage unhindered by it.
What happened wasn't entirely my fault, but the regret does not escape me. If only, I had not made that decision, maybe the deciding factor would have been changed, maybe that person's life would not be scarred in that way. if only I could relive that day, and show myself that I am stronger than that person and for that reason, I should have sacrificed my personal feelings and saved them. I consider it my biggest mistake.
I....thought of many, many days...but I realize, in a way, they all tie back to one.
I would relive one day when I was seven years old. My parent had been drinking heavily, and was ill in the morning. This was when I first noticed that it had happened before, and that it was probably going to happen again. I would sit them down, despite being a child, and lay down the simple facts: Stop now. Don't try and bullshit tolerance, or moderation, because you are all or nothing, and you know it. If you do not stop right now, I'm going to lose all faith in you and have serious problems trusting anyone else for decades. Your youngest son, my little brother, will not look at you or say 'I love you' for all of five years, and afterwards he obviously wont mean it when he does. He and I will find our own ways to cope, but become very distant and hardly see eachother as relatives. You'll stress out, gain weight, break this family and cause me to lash out in many different ways throughout my adolescence. So I will say it now - This never happens again. I don't mean don't get caught, but I mean if I ever see you with another drop, or hear of one of your late night drives, or see your 'other side' come out...I'm going to take my little brother, and we are going to go live with our aunt and uncle. It doesn't matter if you bring us back, because we'll just leave again. I will NOT let you do this to us, to everyone, to yourself, and be silent about it. Not this time. So think about what really matters to you.
30 seconds of courage can change one's life, I think.