"Having to be the Bad Guy"

[Foxy]

Okay guys and gals, aliens, or whoever. I have a pretty annoying problem at the moment and I need a bit of...guidance, I suppose. Honestly I just want to know how you wonderful people would react to a situation I'm currently in.

So, my family and I are planning to go on a vacation. Awesome right? Not so much. You see, my football playing brother who is nearly two sizes bigger than me, wants to bring his best friend. Understandable. But his best friend is just as big as he is. Our back seat is meant to hold two people, not three. So where do I get to sit? I get to sit in the back seat, most likely pushed up against the window for a handful of hours to get to a place I've been dying to go to for the last year.

Now, the problem doesn't sit with my brother. I understand why he wants his best friend to go along, I like spending time around the two a lot as well, but I have some issues with my back recently. Not enough to have my mom actually take me to the doctor for, but my back is something that bothers me a lot. Being crushed against a door by two of my most lovable football players for nearly a whole day does not sound fun. In fact, it sounds absolutely agonizing to me. I've already said no once. I didn't want to do it but I do have to think about myself as well.

Now this is where the problem really starts to shine through. My parents set me up to be the one to say no. This entire merry go round of annoyance would have been ended if they simply said no to having an extra kid coming along. They don't want to deal with feeding an extra mouth while we're there! But no, they put it on me. Which feels rather awful, I promise you. Watching your little brother give you a hateful glare because you're the wall between him and his friend hanging out sucks.

But just recently, like, fifteen minutes ago, my brother comes up to me with a possible deal. He'll give me $100 if I let his friend come along. Now, I thought this entire thing was done and settled when the original conversation happened last weekend, but no. So I go to my mom and ask about it because I told her before that I don't want to be pushed up against the window of our car. I ask her why she didn't tell him no, and I don't get a logical response. No, I get this instead:

"Now you know what it's like to have to be the bad guy."

In what way is this okay? Is this a good parenting style or whatever? ...Okay, not my question, more a bit of anger on that, but anyway. These are my question's to you guys:

1. Would you take my brother's deal? $100 for sitting pushed up against the window for a day when you know it'll screw up your back?

2. Am I in the wrong for not wanting to deal with the back problems?

3. Should I let the guilt go ahead and decide for me and say whatever, his friend can come along and just take over the bathroom when we get there for a long hot bath which may or may not help?

And lastly:

How should I react to my mother's words? I was confused, completely baffled and really, really upset by them. Should I not be?

Anyway, I just want some thoughts on this. Thank you guys for reading.

 

[TheGreyWarden]

1. Would you take my brother's deal? $100 for sitting pushed up against the window for a day when you know it'll screw up your back?

I say that you should stand up against your brother and say no to him. Tell him about your issue with your back and say that he can come to the next vacation. Or, you could just not go to this vacation until your back gets better. I don't know how bad your back is, but I would just no go to the vacation until your back gets better. Even if the brother's friend doesn't get to come, you could mess up your back during the trip. Again, that $100 could help you towards your treatment of you back or you could save it.

2. Am I in the wrong for not wanting to deal with the back problems?

Not really, your health is important than anything else. If your back hurts that badly, then you must explain to your brother and your brother's friend that you would rather have your back healing than hurting during the drive towards the vacation.

3. Should I let the guilt go ahead and decide for me and say whatever, his friend can come along and just take over the bathroom when we get there for a long hot bath which may or may not help?

It's up to you. If you decided to allow your brother's friend to come, then I would suggest that you bring something like an electric heating pack or homemade rice filled heating bag that can be thrown into a microwave. Which only provides short term relief, not long term. And bring some epsom salts, and medicated bath salts with you! If you have long term pain, then I'd suggest that you don't go or you ask if your brother's friend doesn't come along.

How should I react to my mother's words? I was confused, completely baffled and really, really upset by them. Should I not be?

For me personally, I wouldn't take the saying seriously. Just ask her what she meant by that. The words, "Now you know what it's like to have to be the bad guy." would be an alright parenting style, it just depends on the tone of your mother's voice. She probably didn't mean it. I wouldn't say that isn't a great parenting style, but she was trying to teach you something. Just ask her to be such.

 

[Astaroth]

Moved this thread to Counselling for you, so hopefully you'll get some good advice.

For my part: Did you tell him why you said no? Not just in a "because my back will hurt" way, but actually explaining to him that it's not anything against him or his friend. If not, do that. If you have, patiently explain to him that the money isn't the issue, it's because it will be uncomfortable. Make a compromise, like offering to use that $100 to do something fun together later- all three of you.

I might point out that if you accept the bribe, you're teaching him that it's okay for him to get his way by buying people.

As to your mom: She's probably got some kind of point she's trying to make. Ask her about it and try to keep an open mind. Prove you can have an adult conversation about it.

 

[Space Cowboy]

This may not be the thing you're looking for, but if it were me, I'd take the $100 bucks and agree with my brother.

Then on the day of the vacay, tell them I changed my mind about going and have the house to myself, $100 richer.

When my brother said something:

"Now you know what it's like to make a deal with the devil."


That said, it's all up to you. Do what YOU feel comfortable with. But, I will say that sacrificing your happiness and comfort for the sake of someone elses really sucks. It's so one sided! Also, do what Astaroth said as well if you really want to find a proper solution: communicate with everyone involved. Really sit down and talk, not at each other, but with.

 

[Kooriryu]

Oh, I'mma ape Grey's format real quick. But I just wanna bring back to the forefront I don't know how y'all work, I don't know how you talk to your family or whatever the shit so, like, rearrange and rephrase as you see necessary.

1. Would you take my brother's deal? $100 for sitting pushed up against the window for a day when you know it'll screw up your back?
That $100 ain't gonna pay anything for future billing on future back problems. You don't ever put your health and well-being on the back burner on shit like this. Ever.

2. Am I in the wrong for not wanting to deal with the back problems?
Thefuck, no. Never. Ever. Never ever ever never ever whenever never, no. You are not wrong. You're the one having to live in that body. That's shit that will last you, literally, your entire life and the less banged up it gets the better off you'll be. Explain to little brother about this shit unless he's an unsympathetic little mudpile. The sooner kids understand far-reaching consequences the better.

3. Should I let the guilt go ahead and decide for me and say whatever, his friend can come along and just take over the bathroom when we get there for a long hot bath which may or may not help?
I mean, ultimately, that shit is up to you but I cannot stress how important it is that you not put actual, literal, real health and bodily well-being aside for any amount of whinging, petulance, or whatever hurt little feefees your little brother may or may not take out on you. Unless he's willing to chip in for medical bills or physical therapy, it is stone cold fucked up if he doesn't even consider your well-being at the "cost" of his buddy tagging along. Emphasis on putting quotations around the word cost.

How should I react to my mother's words? I was confused, completely baffled and really, really upset by them. Should I not be?
I feel like your momma wants some confirmation that you understand when they say no to some things it's not just a thoughtless no, 'cuz I mean you went through the trouble of telling us you think it's because they don't want to haul another kid, feed them etc. on this trip. But honest talk, this whole fuckin' Harvard Prison experiment jedi mind trick is some lowkey bullshit. Like, I dunno if you left it out but did your parents not know about your back's condition? Does your little brother not know about it either? Tell them, because if you knew your parents didn't wanna shell out for an extra mouth to feed, they sure as fuck wouldn't wanna shell out for any medical bill they could prevent right now. And because I feel this is real important I'm gonna break paragraph:

You are not wrong for feeling upset.


Like, I could make a big, long disclaimer about parenting style or whatever thefuck but it's easier to preface with "tbh imo" and go on and call that shit straight up manipulative. Like I'm not gonna baldface lie and say I don't understand why your momma put it to you like that, but to actually do it and let it ride for this long where your little brother thought to bribe you? With a fresh one hundred denominational u.s. dollar bill? Nah, naw, nope, went past "tap on the nose" and it didn't need to. Mostly, I vote for telling your little brother what's up if you haven't yet, tell your parents. If it comes down to it stare your baby bro in the face and ask him if he actually thinks that you have any real power on who comes and go stays in this trip. But mostly, your back. Let your parents know your concerns about having this extra kid coming along and how it'd affect your back.

 

[Halo]

It really depends on how bad your back is. Think of it from a utilitarian perspective - is the discomfort and pain it will bring you more unhappiness than the happiness you'll create by allowing your brother's friend to come along? If it'll be an irritating/uncomfortable experience but otherwise manageable maybe you're being a little selfish. If it will genuinely cause you a great deal of pain then you're being perfectly reasonable.

From a practical perspective I'd ask: is there any other way you could travel to the vacation spot? Like by train or coach or something? If so tell your brother that his friend can come if he pays for your ticket for alternative transport that won't fuck up your back. If this is possible it seems like the best of both worlds solution.

I'd definitely ditto this:

For my part: Did you tell him why you said no? Not just in a "because my back will hurt" way, but actually explaining to him that it's not anything against him or his friend. If not, do that. If you have, patiently explain to him that the money isn't the issue, it's because it will be uncomfortable. Make a compromise, like offering to use that $100 to do something fun together later- all three of you.

I might point out that if you accept the bribe, you're teaching him that it's okay for him to get his way by buying people.

.
Regarding your mother's words... I would be pretty furious if someone did that to me. It's unnecessary and a massive cop-out on her part and just plain not fair to you. I really don't understand what kind of response or attitude that is - it's just cowardice and weak parenting on her part. The gut reaction is that she's too afraid or can't be bothered to take a stand against your brother and is just letting you take the fall.
However I obviously do not know you or your family so perhaps there is valid reason/context for this. Again to ditto Astaroth: talk to her about it calmly and maturely. Honesty and openness is almost always the best policy when you've been upset or hurt by someone close to you. Explain why it upset you and why you feel it's unfair and ask for an explanation.

Good luck.

 

[Foxy]

Moved this thread to Counselling for you, so hopefully you'll get some good advice.

For my part: Did you tell him why you said no? Not just in a "because my back will hurt" way, but actually explaining to him that it's not anything against him or his friend. If not, do that. If you have, patiently explain to him that the money isn't the issue, it's because it will be uncomfortable. Make a compromise, like offering to use that $100 to do something fun together later- all three of you.

I might point out that if you accept the bribe, you're teaching him that it's okay for him to get his way by buying people.

As to your mom: She's probably got some kind of point she's trying to make. Ask her about it and try to keep an open mind. Prove you can have an adult conversation about it.

Thank you for that. I didn't even notice there was a counselling area for this stuff...no idea how I didn't notice it, but thank you for moving it for me.

I'll admit, I did go speak to them both after posting this. Honestly it was an attempt to calm myself down and then go talk to them. We did find an alternate fix for all of this where all of us will be happy, but I did explain to my brother that it wasn't him or his friend that made me say no. He understood that perfectly since he does have his own problems with his back (due to football for him).

The thing that really bothered me about all of this was what my mom had said. I did bring this up as well in the conversation and I said that I felt it was a little unnecessary and that I didn't understand why she had said that when there were a lot of other ways she could have told me something along the same lines. We managed to have a five minute conversation on the subject before she shut me out, so I don't know if I hit a nerve there or not. :/ But I did attempt to talk it out with her.

 

[Foxy]

This may not be the thing you're looking for, but if it were me, I'd take the $100 bucks and agree with my brother.

Then on the day of the vacay, tell them I changed my mind about going and have the house to myself, $100 richer.

When my brother said something:

"Now you know what it's like to make a deal with the devil."


That said, it's all up to you. Do what YOU feel comfortable with. But, I will say that sacrificing your happiness and comfort for the sake of someone elses really sucks. It's so one sided! Also, do what Astaroth said as well if you really want to find a proper solution: communicate with everyone involved. Really sit down and talk, not at each other, but with.

You have no idea how tempting this is. xD

BUT! I behaved and simply turned down the $100 and talked things out with them. :] We came to an agreement and all is well in the Foxy house now. But this did manage to make me laugh, so thank you for that.

 

[Foxy]

Oh, I'mma ape Grey's format real quick. But I just wanna bring back to the forefront I don't know how y'all work, I don't know how you talk to your family or whatever the shit so, like, rearrange and rephrase as you see necessary.

1. Would you take my brother's deal? $100 for sitting pushed up against the window for a day when you know it'll screw up your back?
That $100 ain't gonna pay anything for future billing on future back problems. You don't ever put your health and well-being on the back burner on shit like this. Ever.

2. Am I in the wrong for not wanting to deal with the back problems?
Thefuck, no. Never. Ever. Never ever ever never ever whenever never, no. You are not wrong. You're the one having to live in that body. That's shit that will last you, literally, your entire life and the less banged up it gets the better off you'll be. Explain to little brother about this shit unless he's an unsympathetic little mudpile. The sooner kids understand far-reaching consequences the better.

3. Should I let the guilt go ahead and decide for me and say whatever, his friend can come along and just take over the bathroom when we get there for a long hot bath which may or may not help?
I mean, ultimately, that shit is up to you but I cannot stress how important it is that you not put actual, literal, real health and bodily well-being aside for any amount of whinging, petulance, or whatever hurt little feefees your little brother may or may not take out on you. Unless he's willing to chip in for medical bills or physical therapy, it is stone cold fucked up if he doesn't even consider your well-being at the "cost" of his buddy tagging along. Emphasis on putting quotations around the word cost.

How should I react to my mother's words? I was confused, completely baffled and really, really upset by them. Should I not be?
I feel like your momma wants some confirmation that you understand when they say no to some things it's not just a thoughtless no, 'cuz I mean you went through the trouble of telling us you think it's because they don't want to haul another kid, feed them etc. on this trip. But honest talk, this whole fuckin' Harvard Prison experiment jedi mind trick is some lowkey bullshit. Like, I dunno if you left it out but did your parents not know about your back's condition? Does your little brother not know about it either? Tell them, because if you knew your parents didn't wanna shell out for an extra mouth to feed, they sure as fuck wouldn't wanna shell out for any medical bill they could prevent right now. And because I feel this is real important I'm gonna break paragraph:

You are not wrong for feeling upset.


Like, I could make a big, long disclaimer about parenting style or whatever thefuck but it's easier to preface with "tbh imo" and go on and call that shit straight up manipulative. Like I'm not gonna baldface lie and say I don't understand why your momma put it to you like that, but to actually do it and let it ride for this long where your little brother thought to bribe you? With a fresh one hundred denominational u.s. dollar bill? Nah, naw, nope, went past "tap on the nose" and it didn't need to. Mostly, I vote for telling your little brother what's up if you haven't yet, tell your parents. If it comes down to it stare your baby bro in the face and ask him if he actually thinks that you have any real power on who comes and go stays in this trip. But mostly, your back. Let your parents know your concerns about having this extra kid coming along and how it'd affect your back.

They do know about the back issues, it just doesn't hit top priority a lot of the time because it comes and goes. :o But! I do think it may actually be a problem in our family. :/ My brother has some issues with his back as well, but like I said it's never been extremely serious to the point of needing medical attention. I just knew that sitting that way would cause major issues for myself, at least with having discomfort and maybe a bit of pain for the rest of the day.

We managed to come to an agreement though, so everything is good now.

 

[Foxy]

It really depends on how bad your back is. Think of it from a utilitarian perspective - is the discomfort and pain it will bring you more unhappiness than the happiness you'll create by allowing your brother's friend to come along? If it'll be an irritating/uncomfortable experience but otherwise manageable maybe you're being a little selfish. If it will genuinely cause you a great deal of pain then you're being perfectly reasonable.

From a practical perspective I'd ask: is there any other way you could travel to the vacation spot? Like by train or coach or something? If so tell your brother that his friend can come if he pays for your ticket for alternative transport that won't fuck up your back. If this is possible it seems like the best of both worlds solution.

I'd definitely ditto this:

.
Regarding your mother's words... I would be pretty furious if someone did that to me. It's unnecessary and a massive cop-out on her part and just plain not fair to you. I really don't understand what kind of response or attitude that is - it's just cowardice and weak parenting on her part. The gut reaction is that she's too afraid or can't be bothered to take a stand against your brother and is just letting you take the fall.
However I obviously do not know you or your family so perhaps there is valid reason/context for this. Again to ditto Astaroth: talk to her about it calmly and maturely. Honesty and openness is almost always the best policy when you've been upset or hurt by someone close to you. Explain why it upset you and why you feel it's unfair and ask for an explanation.

Good luck.

It's not so much pain as it is a lot of discomfort. I haven't needed medical attention for it, which is exactly why I was so conflicted over the whole thing. I didn't want to say no to my brother, but my back has been getting a bit worse lately to where it's been a more constant discomfort instead of the usual fading in fading out thing it used to do. But it was the feeling selfish thing that had me coming here for a bit of help.

I did attempt to speak to my mom, and like I said to Astaroth, I was calm about it but she shut me down pretty quickly during the conversation. We only had about five minutes of a conversation before we got off that topic. :/

But we managed to work something out so everything is well again. :]

 

[Kestrel]

'Not bad enough to go to a doctor' implies you can do something about it yourself and you mention having come to an agreement regarding the car ride, but training your back will probably do a shitton to help on more than just car rides. Go look into your options there.

Also even if it's not that bad right now, if you let things sit like that they will grow worse as you age. So really, look into that.

 

[Hope]

My answer is only half serious but...

My answer is to suck it up. Lol I only say this because I had to go through my fair share of unfair situations when it came to my older sibling. It's what you do. It gives you shit to bitch about ten years from now. Your back will be okay. Ask your mom to stop the car whenever youre feeling a little stiff to stretch your legs. Plus, you will get 100 bucks and be able to hold it over his head one day when you need a favor no questions asked. Chances are that if the friend doesn't go your brother will have a shit time and pout the whole time and it'll put a dampener on the trip.

If your back isn't bad enough to go to the doctor then you'll be able to soak it in the tub and get out of the car and stretch often.

Again we all have to get the shit end of the stick. It's part of being the younger sibling. ; ) it builds character.

Edit:
I am serious in the I really do think all younger siblings need to deal with some shit just as older siblings have to get tattled on for years. It's a natural part of life. However, it's not to say I don't sympathize with you. Just don't make it a bigger deal than it is. :)

 

[Minibit]

My parents set me up to be the one to say no

Devil's Advocate: Perhaps they are trying to push you more into standing up for yourself even when it's not going to go over well? They won't always be there to say no for you; in fact this is probably the case already but since you still live at home this can still fall under 'preparing you for the real world'.

1. Would you take my brother's deal? $100 for sitting pushed up against the window for a day when you know it'll screw up your back?

If long-term damages, hell no. If I'm just going to be sore for a day I'd pack painkillers and take the money

2. Am I in the wrong for not wanting to deal with the back problems?

No, it's understandable, nobody wants pain, but on the other side, your brother isn't wrong for trying to find a way to bring his friend and keep you happy too.

3. Should I let the guilt go ahead and decide for me and say whatever, his friend can come along and just take over the bathroom when we get there for a long hot bath which may or may not help?

S'what I'd do, but I'm not you. Take into account also that depending on what your brother is like, resiliently keeping his friend out of the trip may get you guilt tripped in the future.

How should I react to my mother's words? I was confused, completely baffled and really, really upset by them. Should I not be?

Tell her you don't understand why it's important you feel like the bad guy. Explain your feelings and mostly express your confusion. Ask her to phrase herself or explain herself differently. Be specific and concrete and avoid exaggerations and emotional arguments like "You always-" "I never-" "there's no reason-" etc. You're not here to place blame, you're here to get an explanation.