Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Asmodeus, Jul 29, 2012.

  1. I hope some of you find comfort in this. It's what I needed ten years ago.

    Today is a special day for two reasons. Firstly, my brother would have had his 32nd birthday today, if he were still alive. And secondly, it's my final day in England, before I leave to start a new life with Tegan. That the two should fall on the same day is something I take as a sign - one of many that has marked my way.

    I turned 30 this year and it feels as if my departure tomorrow will be the end of a great chapter - the end of my 20s and all the pain, confusion and searching of those years. I want you all to know, when at times you forget, that there is always a chance for happy endings. I have found true love. I have found a girl who fulfills me in every way. Ten years ago I was barely able to speak to women, and now I have Tegan as my wife (and any of you know her will know how amazing she is). I have not settled. I have not sold out. I have not tricked her. I have earned her through all the years of my solitude. Because in every moment, when I sat alone, unemployed, depressed and impoverished at the edge of the world, I was learning. Things were teaching me: every conversation, ever passerby, every story and TV show. It was preparing me to cherish the life that I was offered through Tegan.

    I sit in my childhood bedroom now, back home with the parents, with my life packed inside two suitcases. Around the corner from the house is the road where my brother was run down. This is a village that has been in my life for 28 years. I have walked its streets in my darkest moments, pondering suicide, praying to God, rehearsing the things I never had the courage to say. So many whispered words - begging fate to smile on me. And now, after all that, I sit here at total peace with my parents. Sure, they still annoy the hell out of me, even as an adult, but I have come to accept their flaws and know it is not my part to change them, nor their part to undergo great revelations. Rather, it was their part to teach me that love is unconditional, and that there will always be hope for this planet as long as love remains unconditional.

    I started this last decade of my life in a University where no one knew my name. I didn't speak to anyone, and only went out to run between the dorms and the lecture halls. The rest of that time I spent in my insect-ridden room, socially paralyzed and writing poetry on the walls. Truly emo stuff. When I finally got out of there, with my exams in tatters, I joined the British Army. I was tossed and tormented around for 3 years before finally getting the courage to tell my Sergeant Major to shove it. Then I ran away, even further. Left behind the place where my brother had died and my parents had nested with their grief - away to Cornwall, at the other side of England, where I spent two years looking after violent autistics and disabled people. Helping those who were just confused and angry as me. I don't know if I was punishing myself or acting on the ruin of my self-esteem, or if I was just trying to be the mentor that I wanted someone else to be for me.

    And then a breakthrough. I joined Iwaku and I started a writing course. And with those two acts I realised the simple and revolutionary truth - that there are other people in this world just like me. There were people who struggled, who felt things, who over-analysed and obsessed, and who wanted something more than ordinary. My confidence hit a peak and the next seven years were a time of spiritual, emotional and intellectual awakening. I will miss Cornwall so very, very much. It is one of the most beautiful places in all the world and I feel honoured to have had that time there, with the best friend I have ever known, and a people who rejoiced in weirdness.

    I didn't come to Iwaku looking for someone. And anyone who remembers those days, a few years ago, when Tegan first joined, will know how strongly I resisted, how we argued and clashed, and how, deep down, the attraction was instantaneous. I never would have imagined that I would meet a girl like her and find the compulsion to cross the globe to be with her. To admit that I was into her, to suggest a meeting, to force my way into her life, to propose to her at the end of only two weeks - none of these scared me. They all made sense. I was driven by an energy that made everything seem right.

    I want you all to know that it exists - it truly exists: a power that will push you with total clarity along an extraordinary path.

    In Cornwall I found everything that I needed to be with Tegan. I found a job that gave me the money to fly out there. I found a friend who would be minister at our marriage, a friend who was a wedding photographer, an aunt who designed wedding dresses, a friend who had a band, a friend who could sing, a friend who made wedding journals, a friend who was a wedding decorator. Every part of my life in Cornwall came together to make a perfect wedding - a wedding that truly reflected what I had become and what I believed in. I had a Pagan wedding with Tegan and felt the power of the earth and the elements beneath my feet.

    My teen years were a time of darkness, my twenties a time of turbulence. Now the new chatper begins and I truly have no idea what I will become. I jump to America with only Tegan to catch me and Diana a few hours away. I have left behind so very much - family who I may never see again, friends who helped me through rough times, places I have adored, memories and connections. But that is the very essence of life - starting over, starting anew, treading into the unknown. It hurts. God, how it hurts. But that is the pulse of living.

    On Iwaku I have found incredible people. Sakura, perhaps the nicest person I have ever known, who defies all the hatred that the Western World harbours for the Muslim people. Jack Shade, who over the years I have seen become a better man and a better writer than myself. Coffeecake, Paorou and Rory, who have followed me on intellectual flights of fancy rivaling any University professor. Kitti and TK, who have seen past my fronts and supported my excesses. Warmaster, October, Torsty, Jumi, Grumpy and Darkness, who have been the only macho male company I have ever been able to handle. Jinx, who was the first person to make me laugh out loud when he stole my potatoes in our initial Cbox encounter. And Diana, who has had so many similar experiences to me and shares my love and rage for Iwaku.

    And Tegan - the best member to ever call me on my shit.

    My flagship roleplay, Dark Reign, is now only a few scenes from completion, and with it a mythos of seven years will come to an end. That Mythos has followed my progress and the progress of my friends on Iwaku - the ones we have lost and found over the years. That we have built such a saga is testament to the strength of the bonds we have forged, but also to the power you have given me. Being amongst you, in your creative surges and your dark spirals, following your lives and jostling with you across the forum, has energised me. It has been no substitute, but indeed the best of lives. And I hope the next generation will feel as we older members have felt.

    So this is what I want to say to you - to all of you who are in bad places right now, or unsure of the way forward, or trapped by other people and situations. To all of you who are crushed by your parents, misunderstood by your peers, unacknowledged or damaged...

    It can get better. It might not, but it can. There is nothing to be gained or safeguarded in pessimism. There is no point in despair. Because Life will always, always, have the capacity to surprise. In a single moment it can throw something at you that derails all that has gone before and opens brand new paths.

    It killed my brother. It discharged me from the Army. It sent me to Cornwall. It brought an advert to my mailbox for a place called Iwaku. And it threw me into collision with a sexy, empowered, intelligent and beautiful woman who embraced every fault and failing that I thought had doomed me.

    2012 has proven itself the Year of Great Change. With the Queen's Jubilee and the Olympics I've seen my country at its brightest and said goodbye to each part that I have loved. My adolescence has ended, and I am closing the page on a whole chapter of pain and confusion. It has driven me but it has not defined me. I have the chance to become something else, in the New World, with the woman I love.

    If there is nothing else you take from me - if there is no other gift I can force into your hands, then please, take this one and only sentence. The one thing I wish to God someone had told me all those years ago, and which I will say to every one of you now...

    Every plot can be twisted.

    You are not trapped in your roles. The deepest wounds can be healed.

    Thank you all for being with me through these years. I will see you all again, when I log in on American soil.

    Goodbye for now.

    • Like Like x 1
  2. It's a pleasure to have known you all these years, buddy. ^.^ I've truly looked up to you in role playing and in life. When shit got out of control, you took no nonsense and tol me what needed to be done- that's someone no one else did for me, and for that, I thank you.

    I'm so glad that you have Tegan, and I'm so proud to have watched you become the person you are today. You're genuinely happy! You're not acting like it, but the feeling of the words echo the truth of it- and it's something I'm proud of you for.

    You're a damned good role player, a damned good author, and a damned good man, Greg.

    You've become so much stronger, and so much more honest with yourself.

    I know I an be a pain in the kester sometimes (All the time), but I truly respect you, and I'm honestly overjoyed at how your life has turned out.

    Welcome to America, welcome to your new home.
  3. It has been an honor to know you as well. For all that you have taken to support yourself from the people here, you have given back as much.
    Anyone who met you at the beginning of those seven years and talked with you then and now would be able to easily tell how much happier you are, and I am glad for it. I hope that this chapter of your life is a happy one for you, on that finds you still challenging yourself, and your lovely wife of course.

    I respect you as a person, I admire you as a writer, and I cherish you as a friend.
    I look forward to what the future holds, and I am glad that you took the turns that you did to find people in a community who appreciate you as a person and to find someone whose heart was completed by the piece of the puzzle that you had to offer.
    I hope that your return to the states is a safe journey, but an exciting one nonetheless.
  4. The dirty rice is done, there are clean sheets on the bed and I love you.

    (And I apologize now for whatever my dad says or does. We're a lot alike, just don't let him see you're afraid.)
  5. I may not have been there for any of the things you've gone through, or what they must have been like, but for everything that's happened in your life, I commend your spirit and will, Asmo. Never lose sight of those things and nothing in life can stop you. From all this here, it seems you put up one hell of a fight with life, and now happen to be on a brighter road.

    Now you've got an all-new story ahead of you. Make it a good one.
  6. You forgot to talk about Ampoule, that weird, angry person who introduced Tegan to Iwaku .. but it's cool. You can thank me later.

    AHUR HUR HUR HUR. Just kidding though. Your story is pretty inspiring. I think some of the other people from OoM can say the same thing, but Tegan has been a part of the crooked tri-force of friends that helped me through some pretty dark times, so I understand a lot of the things you're talking about...and actually now that I see your story I actually see a lot of the same things and the same feels going on, minus the stint in the military. I know we don't really talk all that much or have really ever had a solid conversation but I honestly wish you the very best and I sincerely hope that this new phase in your life is just as full of surprises. Nice surprises. Good surprises.

    :) Have fun.
  7. Life is a confusing fucking affair, all things considered. Glad it's really looking up for you, mate.

    Best of luck to you and Tegan; I look forward to brewing more stories with the pair of you.
  8. Asmo-sama,

    Even though I don't know you too well.. And you probably don't know me too well, either.. 'cept that I'm that one hyper, weird youngster that jumped on the Iwaku train about ten months ago.. I really admire you.
    I admire your strength, and will. I admire your intelligence and humor. I admire your just ways and kindness, even though it is masked behind such a godly status on this site.
    You're pretty awesome.

    And, even though I was extremely intimidated by EVERYONE on this site at first, over time I kinda got use to a lot of people. And I found that a lot of those that scared me in the beginning are actually just super, super smart, and wise, and all that jazz in reality.

    You are a fantastic, beautiful writer (because, yes, I lurk sometimes and peek at Dark Reign.. even though I have NO CLUE what is going on T ^T'' ), and I'm glad to have even crossed paths in the CBOX once or twice with you. :D
    You and Tegan really make me smile. You two are gorgeous souls, especially together. ^^ I could see it in those wedding pictures you proudly showed off. c: You both just were gleaming! It was a storybook tale to me. > w<

    And now is your next chapter.
    Welcome to America. Try not to conquer It too quickly, savor every moment. :D

    Hope to come across you on here in the future. c:
    Be safe. And smile a lot!
    ...Even though it makes more wrinkles over time on yer face.. >__> WORTH IT.

    Reading your "Goodbye" message made me tear up.
    Q_Q . . . damnit.
  9. Haven't known you long, Asmo. Apart from the scary things I've heard about you, at how blunt and down right brutally honest you were, I was to be terrified! But I was no punk! I took that chance to talk to you anyway! D:<

    They were right.

    But, you have given me something more than predominant paranoia every time I saw your name change from red to blue to green and back to blue again. I saw a change, you know? The 'falling and getting back up' kind of gig. The thing I haven't seen in such a long time. Determination. You didn't need to tell Iwaku everything about you when you first joined because it was clear. It was clear what you were here for, what you've found, how you've progressed. The frindships you've made were....less than normal...but what's normal to you? You're AsMODEUS. You know no normal.

    Now look at you. You're coming to the states to be with your wife, happily married. How many times have you repeated the statement and broke out into a smile, I wonder? I love you, Asmo. We all love you and what you've brought for us. An image of hope. Scary, sarcastic, witty, hope. You're writing is flawless and it paints more than a picture and tells more than a story. It plants a lifestyle. You're gonna do something big. Know that. Know that you and Tegan together are going to do something amazing. Something that people try to do, fail at times, or even falter. You two are gonna make the most out of life.

    How could you not? You got this far. To stop now would be blasphemy and heresy. And you wouldn't want that, now would you? *Squints*

    Thanks, for the hope Asmo. Good luck to you and your wife.
  10. You made me smile and cry all at the same time. ;___;

    I can honestly say you are the biggest factor of why I stayed on as an Admin for Iwaku and didn't leave after bullying everyone in to submission. I had NO intentions of staying. I had my own site. But I was so surprised to find someone who had that same drive and passion for a community. Someone that had the determination to fight for it, take people's shit be it good or bad, and still do what was right for everyone. You renewed my faith that there were still people out there that actually, really cared about more than just their own personal agenda during a time period I was really hurting and really afraid to trust people. Getting to work with you has been fantastic, even when we argue over the method and challenge each other's opinions. Because in the end, I know the result is going to come out better for it.

    Imagine my surprise to find out that we were also kindred spirits. 8D That our lives were so similar in background, family, emotion and more. It amuses me to say you are my male mirror. The amount of parallels we've had in life borderlines on the absolutely creepy. From teen drama, the death of a family, to medical trouble with a brother... even down to meeting the love of our lives on a forum community when we weren't looking for it at all. Even your whirlwind romance with Tegan has been a mirror, (Gibs to Georgia to meet me for the first time in person... and then he never left!) and such a joy to watch develop and turn in to this amazing marriage. I am even about to hit that big 30 this year too at the end of August, heralding in new life changes. It's going to be a blast seeing what else lines up in the next few years.

    I am very VERY excited that you guys are going to be living 4 hours away in a place we have to visit often! I also want to kick your ass for showing up the Monday a week -after- we had to be there. Way to be late again, Asmo. XD It's going to be pretty damned awesome having friends I love and respect living close enough to have regular visits with.

    Have a safe landing, and try not to have so much sex that you forget to sign online. 8D
  11. See you on the other side.
  12. Glad to see you have moved on and triumphed over your demons since we first spoke sometime back in 06. And if you never get to publish one of your stories, you can always try to write speeches, you'd be pretty effin' awesome at it!

    oh yeah, also I gotta say...

  13. As I sat, ringed by beige cubicle walls, I found myself checking your recent posts.  I discovered this thread, two days too late for me to make my words resound with the same climactic finale as yours.  So as I put aside the writing I’m supposed to be doing, promising that when this is done I’ll turn around and get right back on web development, I realize this is the most important thing I’ll write today.  That’s a humbling experience.  Reading what your soul has etched has left me grappling with a myriad of emotions.  I hope for your happiness, I fear for your safety in these times of transition, I envy those who will be close enough to you to visit…the goal I had for years, I feel anger…strangely enough, some part of my old issues resisting the compliment you paid me.  I feel sorrow, because in these times of shifting fortunes, I have played only a minor role, and one of my own volition.
                    We have struggled, you and I.  Your expectations of me have, more than once, been thrashed.  My own inability to manage time, to over commit, to melt down over petty issues.  I can imagine it’s been a frustrating journey.  From the beginning, I’ve always respected you.  My most ardent goal was to somehow surpass you at your own craft, to weave plots as beloved as yours, to have friends as supportive as yours.  In that way, early on, I tried to model myself after you.  Fool that I was, we all weave our own paths.  I can no more be you than you can be me, and this revelation has only been done in stages.  I’ve been selfish, thinking only of myself and my emotions in times when you could have used support.  For that I apologize.
                    I don’t have a lot to say of my past, of our past.  This thread is about you, about Laura, about the magnificence of what you discovered, how the stars and circumstances intervened to build you a bridge to the equivalent of a new age.  You step onto American soil more than you have ever been before.  These accumulated experiences, these long and painful lessons tattooing your mind, they will serve you now even as they had you suffer then.  I cannot describe what I feel.  It is a tangled web of emotion that ultimately boils down into a sense of awed pride.  I am elated for you and Tegan both.  That you both have found, in each other, the perfect completion of self.  Congratulations only scathe the tips of icebergs, and I can honestly admit that what you have found, I still seek.
                    I have never seen you, only heard your voice through speakers.  Somehow, though, I count you as among my closer friends.  One day, I will toast to you.  And for now I am content to wait until fate allows that meeting to coincide as well.   We have all found something here, a place of community that swells within our hearts.  Iwaku is, for us, a sanctuary.  Now, within this Sanctuary, you have found answers, you have found hope, you have found this blazing arch of illumination to guide your steps onward.
                    Wherever that takes you, trailblazer, I will support.  From my place among the cornfields and the brackish White River, I will send my prayers and hopes for your well-being on the wind.  See that you listen for them.
                    To you and Tegan, I wish a happy life together.  May it always be full of the same passion I’ve seen written between the two of you here.  May it always pulse with the vibrant creativity you both possess.
                    I wish you the best, now as ever, Greg
                    I am fortunate to call you my friend.
                    Welcome to America, Welcome to this new chapter. 
  14. I'm late to the party. I think I was on vacation when this was posted, but I really want to say something now that I know it's here, so here goes.

    You are one of the reasons I fell in love with this site. Your personality and presence, those brief moments in Cbox during my newbie days where we fell into verbal sparring, and your writing made me immediately respect you. That respect grew when I saw how much you truly care about Iwaku. I feel like we've had some miscommunications in the past, but I guess I just want you to know the following things.

    I admire you as a writer.

    I admire you as a staff member.

    I admire you as a person.

    I'm sometimes bad about showing it because I want you to think I'm cool when really I am awkward. o__o

    You and Tegan give me hope that one day things will work out for me, as well. Congratulations on getting married, you two!

    Good luck, and hello.