Awesome. Will PM you ASAP.
And to give people a better idea, here is the transcript for the first broadcast of Good Morning IOU.
PILOT
School pride is important. School pride is mandated. To not have school pride is welcoming tragedy into your life. Do you have school pride today?
Good morning IOU!
Today is the start of a new semester, and you know what that means! Yesterday the train unloaded a batch of freshmen onto our lovely campus. I watched them move in from my bedroom window, and was filled with fond memories of my own arrival at this wonderful university. I recall the apprehension of entering a new stage in life, and the confusion of having arrived at a place I had never even known about, much less applied to for college. But I learned quickly that all are welcome here. And how could you not? It is our motto after all; and like any self-respecting college our motto is displayed, in all caps, on every wall; it is plastered on our windows and mirrors; and it is burned slowly into our very souls.
So remember, upper-classmen, obey our motto and welcome the freshmen.
I started this broadcast off with that uplifting message because I have a few more official notices to put out. Now I'm not saying they are any less important, as I'd hate to receive another visit from the Senior Re-Education Majors again, I'm just saying we have an excellent and creative English Department here, and a few campus cults would do good to utilize them.
Anyway, on to the official notices. Campus Safety sent me an email this morning, and it reads: We would like to inform the incoming freshmen, and also remind older students, to stop feeding the squirrels. We live in a vast forest. They can fend for themselves just fine without you tossing them a cookie or other snack foods. Also we have found that feeding them bits of protein bar makes them slightly bigger with every feeding. Some of them have gotten quite big, about the size of a house cat, and could become a threat if these feedings continue. Please stop feeding them.
You heard it here folks, stop feeding those cute little rodents. I myself witnessed a squirrel so big it probably could have mauled me to death, if it weren't so obese. So for the sake of their health, and our continued existence at the top of the food chain, stop feeding the squirrels.
Now on a lighter note, a message from the Unwellness Center.
Want to avoid the dreaded freshmen fifteen? Has stress eating engorged your body? We at the Unwellness Center recommend bringing back an ancient way to stay in shape: when you get hungry don't go immediately to the fatty snack foods and pre-packaged salads we've grown accustomed too. Break from the norm; graze on the quad grass; forage for your food in the forest; hunt down your prey animal of choice and satisfy the primal urge to rip meat fresh from the bone. And don't forget you can also help others lose weight by hunting them down for food too. Burn calories by embracing this age-old way of life today. This has been a message from the Unwellness Center.
I can hear and see that many of you are already embracing it. I'm glad I'm safe in the college radio station with other herbivores right now. Although Jessica across the hall in the music room is looking very delicious today.
And now on to other campus news. Tomorrow the quad will be filled with tables and tents as our campus cults try to swell their ranks with the new batch of freshmen.Some cults will be bribing you with sweets, hot food, and the promise of prizes, if you surrender your name to their bleeding book. We will be there doing a live broadcast to give students a chance to have their voice heard. Please keep your voice positive however, as we will also be next to the Re-Education Honors Cult and obligated to do nothing while they correct any untrue opinions expressed.
And now some tips for you incoming freshmen:
The Center for Arts is haunted by Clarissa, one of our Graduates,who will hover behind you criticizing your work until you are emotionally crippled and left a heaving mess that will be cleaned up by a janitor at their earliest convenience. This is a necessary service that weeds out the weak. Do not practice your exorcism skills on her on the off chance you are successful. If you must, use the ghosts in the tunnels beneath us as your practice fodder. Nobody knows who they were, and so nobody will miss them.
If you are having trouble adjusting to college life, come see our lovely counselor Courtnie at the Unwellness Center. We can't guarantee it will work, or that you will come back, but hey at least you tried to seek help. She is also our gun safety instructor. Just don't mention The War. Not sure which one, so just don't talk about war at all.
If you manage to sleep and your dreams are filled with a series of blinking lights and disembodied screams, don't be alarmed, it's just the Communications students testing their Dream Machine. Or maybe it's one of the Graduates trying to break through the veil. Either way, don't be alarmed.
Speaking of our Graduates, don't forget to visit them at least once a day between your classes. They live in the ground at the other end of the campus. Leave flowers and other trinkets as tribute to their greatness.
And one last tip: Pick a major right away. You can certainly make it your first year as one of the Undeclared, but I speak from experience when I say it is a lonely existence. You can only talk about last nights American Idol for ten minutes, as school policy dictates, so without a major you will be forced to sit in silence while others engage in more meaningful conversation. Choose your major. Choose it soon. You will thank me later.
Well listeners, we have reached the end of my broadcast. I leave you and brave the killing field our campus has undoubtedly become to attend my classes. And remember listeners, do not despair when you've been run into the ground and about to be eaten. You're feeding someone in a starving world. For the last agonizing moments of your life, it now has purpose.
Stay tuned next for eight hours of polka music and a fire alarm. Brought to you commercial free by the will of a grinning demon in the dark of your closet.