Gimme your opinions about this. I need it. o3o

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Angelique, Jul 5, 2012.

  1. So uhm yeah, I need help with this as I ish writing my character's background... Please help me, tell me what I should work on. what should I edit, and even better give me suggestions of what I should add!!! o3o The name I will be using isn't my character's name... I'm using a default name I happen to love, so don't mind the name at first... Critiques and suggestions shall be highly appreciated. <3

    “Marie Adelaide Chaplain! Come down here this instant!” Mrs. Chaplain shouted from frustration. Adelaide sighed and trudged down the stairs, full of remorse and bitterness. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon, the sun was shining, the sky was a deep blue; the birds were twittering lively at each other, yet inside the Chaplain household, there was nothing but anger and frustration between family members, Adelaide despised it, yet there was nothing they could do with it. Little Timothy Chaplain died of scarlet fever, and nothing was done. They thought it was an ordinary fever, but things started to worsen. His fever went up; he lost his sense of sight and hearing until one morning. All they heard from his small bedroom was the eerie silence of God’s angels taking his poor soul away, off to Heaven as she believed. He was at a young age too, a young man of the age of ten, ever since then, all that they had instead of happy and delightful evenings; they had anger and hate in the parlor. As if they were blaming each other due cause of his death. All life was sucked out of the Chaplains and nothing can be done, Timothy seemed like their life and source of joy, and it hurt her deeply along with her elder sister Anna Kristine Chaplain. They were sad due to his death, wept for him as loving sisters. But ever since his funeral, the family has been neglecting them and acted as if they never existed, or they were nothing important to them. It broke poor Anna Kristine’s heart as she tries several attempts to run away. But she failed in doing so for she had a weak heart unlike Adelaide’s.

    “Yes, mother?” She asked respectfully, but through clenched teeth and stony eyes. She hated the sight of tears flowing down Kristine’s face and she swore that she would avenge for her, and her sadness, caused by her ever-so-loving parents. Her mother watched her attitude and her voice before snapping into a temper.
    “Adelaide, don’t you use that tone on me… I am not in a mood for such idiotic games.”
    “This isn’t a game mother, this is real life. Besides, you never were in a happy mood in the first place. You’re never happy; all you do is sulk and sulk and sulk… Also—” She stopped short in her sentence, biting her tongue to avoid arguments which will only end up in tears and regret.
    “Also? Also what? What were you about to say?” her mother snapped at her.
    “Nothing, mother…” She whispered and looked away, oh why can’t the peaceful days of the Chaplains return? She missed it all too well. Her mother had turn quite insensitive on them, although different things were running through Mrs. Chaplain’s head.
    “Adele, my dear… I’ve given you my best along with Anna. Is this how you repay your own mother? I think not…” Her mother said softly, yet her eyes were as cold as stone; Adelaide met her stony gaze along with her own before remembering every tear that was shed, not for Timothy, but for them. They’ve been neglected, hated, and torn apart. It scarred them awfully, like a wound that’s never going to heal. When her mother said that she cared for them and loved it, Adele lost it, her temper flared and she shouted at her mother.
    “No! You never gave us your best! That was in the past, not now! Not until Timothy died! You neglected us, tore us apart! Can’t you see that using your eyes?! Think clearly, not just Timothy’s death!” She shouted, stomping her foot, tears of rage dripping down her cheek. Her mother stumbled back down in shock, bitter rage fuming in both of them.
    “How dare you speak to your mother in that tone! I cared for both of you! Don’t you know how’ve you hurt me? Breaking your poor mother’s heart, Adelaide, for shame!!!” Her mother shouted back, her composure still at its best but her expression was torn down. This made Adelaide even much more frustrated.
    “Breaking your heart? You don’t even care about your own daughters’ hearts? What kind of mother are you?” She asked in complete and utter disgust. “Do you see the tears we shed every single night? No! No it’s not for Timothy! It’s for you! We need a loving mother who will take care of us, not just obsess over her son’s death! You never see our fallen tears, you haven’t Mother. So don’t think that you have and you’re empathizing with us, because you’re not and you know it! You say you care about Kristine, but if you care for her so much, have you noticed that she’s been sick the past few days? No! You sulk about his death, up till now! Everybody dies Mother! Why can’t you just accept that fact?!” She yelled, the tears not stopping. She shook her head and sobbed, before watching her father enter the room. He has heard everything they’ve been talking about and so far, he quietly agrees. He too, was tired of his wife’s sulking and crying. He stood beside Adelaide’s mother before making her face him. She was quiet; she didn’t know what to say to her daughter. When she saw her husband’s face her face lit up and she faced Adelaide but her gaze was on Adelaide father.
    “Charles, tell this woman that’s she’s wrong. Haven’t I paid attention to both of them?” She taunted Adelaide, as if it was a joke. Adelaide froze and watched her father shake his head.
    “Clarisse, I cannot do such a thing… I agree with Adele. You have been obsessing over Timothy, why won’t you let him go?” He spoke quietly as he watched both of their eyes go wide. Adelaide almost jumped and cried out for joy as her mother did the opposite. She shouted and stomped her foot, yelling at both of them. Adelaide watched her mother stomp into her and her father’s bedroom before continuing her yelling and screaming there, hearing a lot of crashes and smashes, yelling and screeching. Adelaide’s father just shook his head and pulled her into a hug.
    “Thank you, papa… You saved me.” Adelaide sighed, before hugging him tight. She smiled through tear-stricken cheeks and red eyes.
    “It is my duty as a father, my little Adele.” Her father returned her smile with his own, but his eyes were distant and away, his gaze was off, his eyes weren’t as cheery as they used to be. He sighed and sat down, stroking his mustache before closing his eyes.
    “Papa, what’s wrong? Are you ill?” Adelaide said nervously before resting by his foot, laying her head by his knee. His father gave out a slight nod before gazing into her eyes. Adelaide met his gaze and stayed silent as his father was about to speak.
    “Adele, you and Anna… You must leave the house; it’s your mother…” He said quietly, trying to find the right words to say what he wanted to. He sighed and furrowed his brows in slight frustration and heartbreak. Adelaide understood immediately and nodded, her gaze turning distant before whispering only to her and her father’s earshot.
    “Mother’s gone mad, hasn’t she? Over Timothy… She hasn’t been in the right mind when he died ever since.” Adelaide whispered sadly as she watched her Father’s expression darken as he nodded regretfully. Adelaide hated the sight of her Father being depressed and upset, so she forced out a smile and a short laugh. “The Chaplains have gone, mad, haven’t they. It’s funny when you view it in a different way.” She said as she watched her Father’s eyes spark up with forced joy before petting her head lovingly and standing up with a grunt. Adelaide ran off to her and her sister’s bedroom and plopping on her bed, staring at the ceiling as she feels Anna watch her.
    “I heard you… and Mother, arguing. How is she?” Anna mumbled.
    “She’s upset, self-centered and sulking as usual” Adelaide said.
    “Oh? Is she okay?”
    “She’s gone completely and utterly mad.”
    Anna gave out a short laugh for she thought it was a joke before she closed her eyes.
    “She is… mad. She’s always been, ever since the start.” Anna whispered.
    “No. She’s just been mad and upset due to Timothy’s death… Ever since then… Things happened.”
    “The tick tock of that pocket watch… We never did find where it came from. A mystery isn’t it?”
    “Yes… Along with that Joker and Queen of Hearts card.”
    “Where did they come from, anyways?” Anna asked curiously.
    “I wouldn’t know… I found them on my desk out of the blue really…” Adelaide replied, before sighing slightly. Having that horrible headache once more, she turned to her side and clenched her teeth.
    Erase the memory, nowhere to go and nowhere to hide. We’re all doomed and there’s nothing you can do as you seek the light.

    Tell me what you think!!! And to the people who did take their time reading this and giving out their opinions: I love you guys so much, thanks for having patience OuO
     
  2. Alright, so I've read the post and I'll be making my notes in parenthesis throughout and then to sum things up, I'll leave a few thoughts at the end.

    “Marie Adelaide Chaplain! Come down here this instant!” Mrs. Chaplain shouted from frustration. Adelaide sighed and trudged down the stairs, full of remorse and bitterness. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon, the sun was shining, the sky was a deep blue; the birds were twittering lively at each other, yet inside the Chaplain household, there was nothing but anger and frustration between family members, Adelaide despised it, yet there was nothing they could do with it
    (At this point you are doing a bit more showing as opposed to telling, I think you might be better delaying the reveal on the cause of the family strife a bit less. You might even want to consider cutting this sentence down as it stands now and perhaps adding a mention of Timothy's death without having to tell just yet what killed him). Little Timothy Chaplain died of scarlet fever, and nothing was done (Nothing was done or nothing could be done?). They thought it was an ordinary fever, but things started to worsen. His fever went up; he lost his sense of sight and hearing until one morning(this is an awkward way to end this sentence). All they heard from his small bedroom was the eerie silence of God’s angels taking his poor soul away, off to Heaven as she believed(do they believe it or is she on her own?). He was at a young age too, a young man of the age of ten(this seems like it'd be better mentioned earlier on, it seems redundant at this point.), ever since then, all that they had instead of happy and delightful evenings; they had anger and hate in the parlor. As if they were blaming each other due cause of his death. All life was sucked out of the Chaplains and nothing can be done, Timothy seemed like their life and source of joy, and it hurt her deeply along with her elder sister Anna Kristine Chaplain. They were sad due to his death, wept for him as loving sisters. But ever since his funeral, the family has been neglecting them and acted as if they never existed, or they were nothing important to them. It broke poor Anna Kristine’s heart as she tries several attempts to run away. But she failed in doing so for she had a weak heart unlike Adelaide’s.(as a general thought about this paragraph you need to do more showing and less telling)

    “Yes, mother?” She asked respectfully, but through clenched teeth and stony eyes.
    (the but isn't necessary) She hated the sight of tears flowing down Kristine’s face and she swore that she would avenge for her, and her sadness, caused by her ever-so-loving parents(this detail feels out of place, how does this sentence help?). Her mother watched her attitude and her voice before snapping into a temper.
    “Adelaide, don’t you use that tone on me… I am not in a mood for such idiotic games.”
    (the anger feels forced)
    “This isn’t a game mother, this is real life. Besides, you never were in a happy mood in the first place. You’re never happy; all you do is sulk and sulk and sulk… Also—” She stopped short in her sentence, biting her tongue to avoid arguments which will only end up in tears and regret.
    (I'm not sure about this detail, it seems like she's said a bit much to be concerned about starting an argument.)
    “Also? Also what? What were you about to say?” her mother snapped at her.
    “Nothing, mother…” She whispered and looked away, oh why can’t the peaceful days of the Chaplains return?
    (This feels impersonal, she's part of the family right? Why is she referring to her family like that?) She missed it all too well. Her mother had turn quite insensitive on them, although different things were running through Mrs. Chaplain’s head.
    “Adele, my dear… I’ve given you my best along with Anna. Is this how you repay your own mother? I think not…” Her mother said softly, yet her eyes were as cold as stone; Adelaide met her stony gaze along with her own before remembering every tear that was shed, not for Timothy, but for them. They’ve been neglected, hated, and torn apart. It scarred them awfully, like a wound that’s never going to heal.
    (This feels a bit heavy handed. The reader has not gotten to see any of this happen, so instead of carrying emotion it attempts to force the reader to feel bad for Adele.)When her mother said that she cared for them and loved it, Adele lost it, her temper flared and she shouted at her mother.
    “No! You never gave us your best! That was in the past, not now! Not until Timothy died! You neglected us, tore us apart! Can’t you see that using your eyes?!
    (this kinda sounds funny when read out loud) Think clearly, not just Timothy’s death!”(Again feeling a bit heavy handed. This is an old wound is it not?) She shouted, stomping her foot, tears of rage dripping down her cheek. Her mother stumbled back down in shock, bitter rage fuming in both of them.
    “How dare you speak to your mother in that tone! I cared for both of you! Don’t you know how’ve you hurt me? Breaking your poor mother’s heart, Adelaide, for shame!!!” Her mother shouted back, her composure still at its best but her expression was torn down. This made Adelaide even much more frustrated.
    “Breaking your heart? You don’t even care about your own daughters’ hearts? What kind of mother are you?” She asked in complete and utter disgust. “Do you see the tears we shed every single night? No! No it’s not for Timothy! It’s for you! We need a loving mother who will take care of us, not just obsess over her son’s death! You never see our fallen tears, you haven’t Mother. So don’t think that you have and you’re empathizing with us, because you’re not and you know it! You say you care about Kristine, but if you care for her so much, have you noticed that she’s been sick the past few days? No! You sulk about his death, up till now! Everybody dies Mother! Why can’t you just accept that fact?!”
    (I've said it a few times now, but this emotional display feels heavy handed and over wrought. Usually one might expect this sort of emotional release to happen when there is something new being brought to the table, but I get the feeling that Timothy's deat is something they've been dealing with for a while.) She yelled, the tears not stopping. She shook her head and sobbed, before watching her father enter the room. He has heard everything they’ve been talking about and so far, he quietly agrees. He too, was tired of his wife’s sulking and crying. He stood beside Adelaide’s mother before making her face him. She was quiet; she didn’t know what to say to her daughter. When she saw her husband’s face her face lit up and she faced Adelaide but her gaze was on Adelaide father.
    “Charles, tell this woman
    (this woman?)that’s she’s wrong. Haven’t I paid attention to both of them?” She taunted Adelaide, as if it was a joke. Adelaide froze and watched her father shake his head.
    “Clarisse, I cannot do such a thing… I agree with Adele. You have been obsessing over Timothy, why won’t you let him go?” He spoke quietly as he watched both of their eyes go wide. Adelaide almost jumped and cried out for joy as her mother did the opposite. She shouted and stomped her foot, yelling at both of them.
    (Doesn't feel genuine)Adelaide watched her mother stomp into her and her father’s bedroom before continuing her yelling and screaming there, hearing a lot of crashes and smashes, yelling and screeching. Adelaide’s father just shook his head and pulled her into a hug.
    “Thank you, papa… You saved me.” Adelaide sighed, before hugging him tight. She smiled through tear-stricken cheeks and red eyes.
    “It is my duty as a father, my little Adele.” Her father returned her smile with his own, but his eyes were distant and away, his gaze was off, his eyes weren’t as cheery as they used to be. He sighed and sat down, stroking his mustache before closing his eyes.
    “Papa, what’s wrong? Are you ill?” Adelaide said nervously before resting by his foot, laying her head by his knee. His father gave out a slight nod before gazing into her eyes. Adelaide met his gaze and stayed silent as his father was about to speak.
    “Adele, you and Anna… You must leave the house; it’s your mother…” He said quietly, trying to find the right words to say what he wanted to. He sighed and furrowed his brows in slight frustration and heartbreak. Adelaide understood immediately and nodded, her gaze turning distant before whispering only to her and her father’s earshot.
    “Mother’s gone mad, hasn’t she? Over Timothy… She hasn’t been in the right mind when he died ever since.”
    (Where did this come from?)Adelaide whispered sadly as she watched her Father’s expression darken as he nodded regretfully. Adelaide hated the sight of her Father being depressed and upset, so she forced out a smile and a short laugh. “The Chaplains have gone, mad, haven’t they. It’s funny when you view it in a different way.” She said as she watched her Father’s eyes spark up with forced joy before petting her head lovingly and standing up with a grunt. Adelaide ran off to her and her sister’s bedroom and plopping on her bed, staring at the ceiling as she feels Anna watch her.
    “I heard you… and Mother, arguing. How is she?” Anna mumbled.
    “She’s upset, self-centered and sulking as usual” Adelaide said.
    (Another abrupt change in tone towards the mother)
    “Oh? Is she okay?”
    “She’s gone completely and utterly mad.”
    Anna gave out a short laugh for she thought it was a joke before she closed her eyes.
    “She is… mad. She’s always been, ever since the start.” Anna whispered.
    “No. She’s just been mad and upset due to Timothy’s death… Ever since then… Things happened.”
    “The tick tock of that pocket watch… We never did find where it came from. A mystery isn’t it?”
    (Where did this come from?)
    “Yes… Along with that Joker and Queen of Hearts card.”
    “Where did they come from, anyways?” Anna asked curiously.
    “I wouldn’t know… I found them on my desk out of the blue really…” Adelaide replied, before sighing slightly. Having that horrible headache once more, she turned to her side and clenched her teeth.
    (This last bit of dialogue feels pretty random)
    Erase the memory, nowhere to go and nowhere to hide. We’re all doomed and there’s nothing you can do as you seek the light.

    Tell me what you think!!! And to the people who did take their time reading this and giving out their opinions: I love you guys so much, thanks for having patience OuO



    Ok, so I'd like to start by saying I think you have an interesting premise here. What I've noticed is that you do a lot more telling than you do showing. The reader is told that the family is in shambles, the reader is told that there is resentment building up, the reader is told that the death of timothy was a tragedy. But as a reader it's difficult to feel these things because we don't get to see them play out. I think it's important that you think about how much you are devoting to dialogue as opposed to narrative exposition. At this point in time I feel that it is a bit unbalanced as you are (as far as I know) trying to give the reader insight into a past.

    I think another thing that you might want to work on is your dialogues. I do understand that it's important that you get this resentment between mother and daughter across, but at times it feels rather forced. I would suggest reading those sections out loud and considering how close they sound to arguments you may have had with your own parents, it might help to develop the voices in a way that sounds genuine to the reader. A mistake often made by writers is over writing. Sometimes short and sweet works wonders.

    Finally, the dialogue at the end takes a peculiar turn. I don't know where it came from or why it's there. It takes away from the story you've been building up to so far. Perhaps consider spreading that out a bit more, or somehow working it all in to the text leading up to that shift in focus.

    I hope my notes help :)