Getting better

[Lawkheart]

Getting this off my chest might help, but I won't know until I try.

I've lived most of my life either feeling three ways; angry, pain filled or numb. More often then not, I lived 15+ years being numb; at least that's what I remember from the years my mind hasn't decided to erase from my memory(Long story that I don't want to get into). I don't mean the kind of numb that's comfortable. This numbness is the same as being on a high dose of antidepressants and being a drugged up zombie. Couple that with desperation to feel anything and I was hurting myself and anyone around me had no clue.

Now I feel like I've fallen back into that bad place I was in when I would hurt myself in any method I could find. Pain was what reminded me I was alive and not just an unfeeling sac of meat. What I didn't notice was that I was already in constant pain. I don't know what causes this, but I have migraine that only gets worse with the years. I've never felt it lessen, I just get used to the pain in a couple of days and then continue on with my life, but now it's scaring those around me. My family has finally had enough of watching me push through this and have begged me to go to see various doctors.

A neurologist to check my brain to see if it's something there causing the pain; some sort of mass causing pressure or something like that.

A therapist to actually vent and stop waking everyone in my house from screaming in my sleep or sobbing for hours in the dark and a new psychiatrist to help me with new medication, because the stuff I'm taking is not stopping my attacks and they've gotten worse.

The rational side of me, the very small optimistic and hopeful side of me, wants to believe I could get better. It wants to stop this constant pain and it wants to not act like a suicidal animal while having an attack.

My pessimistic side, however, doesn't want to get better. It has no hope of getting better and it believes I'll kill myself and I'll never have to deal with the bullshit in my life. Even though parts of me feel this way, the majority of what I'm feeling is scared. What would my life be like without my head throbbing every moment? What would it be like to look at the light in the morning and not cry out from the pain of the sudden brightness? What would it feel like to never have another attack and wake up in the hospital in the aftermath? As stupid as it sounds, I don't know if I could handle it. I've become so used to this that any time I don't feel that pain, that desperation comes back and I want to hurt myself so I can still hurt.

Saying it out loud, I feel insane thinking this way but I don't know how else to feel. I'm terrified of getting better because all I've known, as sure as anyone can know they breath, that this pain will be with me. It's the only thing I feel is real in the darkness in my mind and I'm scared of loosing that.

I don't know what kind of advice I want... I guess I just wanted to vent.

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

I honestly don't think there's much advice left to give, you seem to be taking all the right steps by seeing various professionals about it.
Good luck with all your efforts to beat this thing. :)

And my Inbox is always open if you need it.

 

[Hatsune Candy]

You'll get used to it. The idea of getting better after living the majority of life constantly feeling unwell may be scary at first, but if you can get used to living with the pain, you can get used to living without it. I wish I could say more, but like Gwazi said, you're already doing everything you can to overcome this, it just takes time, so don't lose hope.

We'll always be here for you, Lawkheart; if you ever need someone to talk to, don't be afraid to send me a message.

 

[Dervish]

As someone who suffers from Crohns disease and had a flare up last night so bad I was screaming for like an hour, I know how you feel and I too have wondered if it wouldn't be a mercy to go hop on a gun and kill myself to spare myself a lifetime of agony and poor health.

But it passes and ultimately I'm not suicidal in the slightest, and the future's always a huge concern for me. However, that's the thing. The pain is temporary and it will pass and most of the time, I'm perfectly fine. You have to decide for yourself that you aren't going to let some disease dictate your life. You are stronger than it and every time you get through it is a triumph. Don't dispair when your attacks happen, get mad! Fight it! Getting so hopped up for a fight helps your body cope with pain, and I'm determined to make the most of my life that isn't dominated by brutal pain. Like you, I don't know if there will ever be a cure for my ailment, but goddamn, I will fight to the bitter end to see that day come.

Be strong. Be a fighter. Your body might be broken but your spirit doesn't have to be. Pain is weakness leaving the body.