Getting this off my chest might help, but I won't know until I try. I've lived most of my life either feeling three ways; angry, pain filled or numb. More often then not, I lived 15+ years being numb; at least that's what I remember from the years my mind hasn't decided to erase from my memory(Long story that I don't want to get into). I don't mean the kind of numb that's comfortable. This numbness is the same as being on a high dose of antidepressants and being a drugged up zombie. Couple that with desperation to feel anything and I was hurting myself and anyone around me had no clue. Now I feel like I've fallen back into that bad place I was in when I would hurt myself in any method I could find. Pain was what reminded me I was alive and not just an unfeeling sac of meat. What I didn't notice was that I was already in constant pain. I don't know what causes this, but I have migraine that only gets worse with the years. I've never felt it lessen, I just get used to the pain in a couple of days and then continue on with my life, but now it's scaring those around me. My family has finally had enough of watching me push through this and have begged me to go to see various doctors. A neurologist to check my brain to see if it's something there causing the pain; some sort of mass causing pressure or something like that. A therapist to actually vent and stop waking everyone in my house from screaming in my sleep or sobbing for hours in the dark and a new psychiatrist to help me with new medication, because the stuff I'm taking is not stopping my attacks and they've gotten worse. The rational side of me, the very small optimistic and hopeful side of me, wants to believe I could get better. It wants to stop this constant pain and it wants to not act like a suicidal animal while having an attack. My pessimistic side, however, doesn't want to get better. It has no hope of getting better and it believes I'll kill myself and I'll never have to deal with the bullshit in my life. Even though parts of me feel this way, the majority of what I'm feeling is scared. What would my life be like without my head throbbing every moment? What would it be like to look at the light in the morning and not cry out from the pain of the sudden brightness? What would it feel like to never have another attack and wake up in the hospital in the aftermath? As stupid as it sounds, I don't know if I could handle it. I've become so used to this that any time I don't feel that pain, that desperation comes back and I want to hurt myself so I can still hurt. Saying it out loud, I feel insane thinking this way but I don't know how else to feel. I'm terrified of getting better because all I've known, as sure as anyone can know they breath, that this pain will be with me. It's the only thing I feel is real in the darkness in my mind and I'm scared of loosing that. I don't know what kind of advice I want... I guess I just wanted to vent.