Fundraiser: Mess With Jorick's Face

[Jorick]

The fundraiser is over. This thread remains as a record of the nonsense and for us admins and such to post about fulfillment of the prizes.

Greetings, people of Iwaku. I'm Jorick, your Security Administrator, and I've got to talk about something very serious: money.

It takes money to keep Iwaku up and running, and although we receive a lot of donations each month, we find ourselves with embarrassingly empty pockets at the moment. There are all sorts of fees we need to pay this year, particularly license fees for the forum software and add-ons to it (which allow things like clans, post ratings, and other neat features not included in the basic software). This fundraiser is being held to beg ask you all, the folks who use and love Iwaku, to help out with donations if possible. It'll be open for the first two weeks of February (from now up until the 17th), but you're always welcome to donate whenever to help keep the site running. Now that the seriousness is out of the way, time for the silly crap.

We all know that just requesting money is no fun, and you might have been wondering what the hell the name of this thread is referring to. I have volunteered to be the victim of the fun side of this fundraiser. We know that few people want to donate without getting anything tangible in return, so we want to offer some fun incentives for donations. Below you'll see the list of nonsense things that will be done based on donations. Our ultimate goal is to aim for $500 in donations, so the list of shenanigans only goes up that high, but if you lot are insane and go hard with the money we shall have to add new things above that level.

Click Here To Donate!​

jk fundraiser over

Mess With Jorick's Face

The top 5 donators will get to pick an avatar and user title that I shall be forced to wear for one week. It can be anything that does not violate site rules, so you're welcome to go crazy. I encourage you intrepid trolls to post your ideas in this thread, as was done in the fundraiser teaser thread, because others can help get your idea through to the top. If you don't have an idea for an avatar and user title to force me to wear for a while, you can instead donate in support of someone else's idea. This can be done by way of adding a note to your donation saying whose idea you're supporting, or if you forget to leave such a note you can always say so in this thread instead. Please don't make your donations anonymous if you want them to be counted for prizes and such!

I look forward to seeing what sort of abominable messes you all force upon me.

Donation Milestone Goals

$100: The sixth highest donator will also get to mess with Jorick's face.

$200: The seventh highest donator will also get to mess with Jorick's face. Also, the time of use for each winning avatar/title will be extended to two weeks.

$250: A short story will be written though collaboration of the admins to show our appreciation for our lovely donators who help to keep the site running; all fundraiser donators who gave $10 or more will be guaranteed a character role in this story, but can opt out if they wish. Also, all who donated for this fundraiser will receive three months of donator status rather than the usual one month; if you are already a donator, you can instead give 3 months of donator status to a friend!

$300: The eighth highest donator will also get to mess with Jorick's face. Also, signature contents can now also be messed with by these top donators.

$400: The ninth highest donator will also get to mess with Jorick's face. Also, the time of use for each winning avatar/title/signature will be extended to three weeks.

$500: Instead of a short story, Jorick will write a massive story (think novel length) in which fundraiser donators who gave over $10 are guaranteed major parts and all donators of lesser amounts are guaranteed at least a minor part in the story, but anyone can opt out if they wish. A poll shall be conducted to give community some control over major aspects of this story. Also, the tenth highest donator will also get to mess with Jorick's face AND the time of use for each winning avatar/title/signature will be extended to one month.

$???: To be decided if $500 donation goal is met.

WELL THEN. You guys did it. I'm pretty sure this is now officially the most successful fundraiser in the history of Iwaku, and there's still two weeks to go. You people are nuts. Now I have to write a fucking book, basically, and it's all your fault. You can find a preview of it in this post, to give you an idea of what's to come.

Anyway, here are the further milestones!

$600: @Astaroth joins the horror! The top donators who mess with Jorick also get to do the same with Astaroth's avatar and user title. Also, the eleventh top donator gets to join in the fun.

$700: Did I say just Astaroth's avatar and title? Never mind, you get to mess with his signature too. Also, the twlefth top donator gets to mess with the both of us for a month as well, bringing it to a full year of our suffering (12 people with 1 month each) for your amusement!

$750: Y'know all those catboy jokes you see staff members flinging at me? They come from nights where I got drunk and read awful smut for fun and entertainment. I shall bring that horror to the masses by way of recording some drunk readings (likely with some familiar faces from Iwaku's staff joining in to make it more fun than just me drunkenly rambling about hating what I'm reading), and you will all get to listen to the horror and mock me for having read it. Suggestions will be taken from the people of Iwaku to decide on reading candidates.

$800: @Kitti joins in the madness too! You guys get to mess with her avatar and user title for a year as well, so the whole admin roster can match or clash with whatever terrible things the top donators select.

$900: Now you can also fill Kitti's signature with nonsense for a year! I suggest love poems dedicated to Steve Buscemi. She would adore that.

$1000: @Diana joins the year of horror! If you crazy bastards push the donations up to $1000, the top donors get to select her avatar, user title, and signature for a year. That's right, the owner and owlmom of Iwaku will be open for your trolling pleasure if you're a top donator. It'll be great and she definitely won't hate us all for it!

$2000: Now this is a special one. I WAS going to only go to $1000, because I could scramble for new things if you guys reached it, but then Diana and Astaroth accidentally challenged the people of Iwaku. If you guys are absolutely ridiculous and hit $2000 then you're going to get a recording of Diana and Astaroth doing a drunk reading together of something terrible and smutty, and they'll take suggestions from you guys to find something suitably horrible. Diana rarely ever gets drunk, and both of them are rather shy about voice chat things, so forcing them to uphold their promise and put out such a recording would be just lovely. Also, have this fun image showing their doubt in your collective drive to fuck with us. Do with that what you will. I doubted you guys could make it to $500, so I'm not about to doubt how far you can go now. o_o

WELL IT LOOKS LIKE YOU RIDICULOUS BASTARDS ARE GONNA BLOW THROUGH THIS TOO, SO HERE ARE ARE MORE MILESTONES BECAUSE THERE'S STILL A WEEK OF THIS SHITSHOW LEFT TO GO!

$1500: @Pahn offered something to do with changing her name to a terrible pun suggested by people. I have no idea what the specifics are, but that's a thing that'll happen.

$2500: @HerziQuerzi, the two time winner of the managers' pick award for the MISC writing contest, will write fanfic of the story I am writing for the $500 milestone. Yes, fanfic about a story that is basically fanfic of the Iwaku community. It's a delightful sort of nonsense.

Also $2500: The Iwaku community will receive a picture of @Mr. Gibs. For those who don't know him, he is @Diana's husband. It will be a "very sexy" picture of him holding an axe whilst wearing a kilt. Also the chatter about it made it sound like it might actually be more of a photo shoot with multiple things, not just one picture? I dunno, you'll get at least the one, maybe more. It'll be great either way, I'm sure. :D

$3000: You've already got me writing quality material, so why not make me write terrible trashy smutty one-shot fanfics? I'll write AT LEAST a dozen of them, one per month of the year of horrible avatars, and I'll draw from community suggestions to decide what to write. The pairings can be either characters from established media (even if I've never seen it, I'll butcher some characters I don't know, I don't give a shit) or Iwaku members (but only with their explicit permission). Scenarios and weird fetishes can also be suggested for this nonsense. It'll be horrible and gross and I'll hate it, but I'll fucking do it.

Also $3000: @Kitti will also write some terrible smutty fanfic! However, it'll be special and disgusting glorious. Some of you may remember the sticky thread we had in General Chatting around the time of the recent US presidential election. Some of you may also remember that some of the posts that got out of hand were edited into monstrosities of political slash fic. That was Kitti's work, and if you make this milestone she'll do it properly. She'll put up a poll with pairings of political figures to choose from, and the winner will be written into a proper smutty fanfic.

Still also $3000: Yeah, I know, 3000 is already heavily stacked, but there's more! @firejay1 offered in jest to give someone a lap dance if we reached this milestone. That was back when we were still iffy about hitting 1000. After the crazy recent donations, she said she would stand by her promise and clarified things about it. See this image and also this one for those details. Time of delivery unknown, but that's fine, we'll be sure she never forgets it so she does it the first chance she gets to make us stop.

EVEN MORE $3000: Three things is not enough apparently. On top of all the other stuff, @Tarieles will sing the entire score of Phantom of the Opera acapella and record it for your listening pleasure. Also @firejay1 may help out with it as well. See this image for proof and sparse details! Ignore that bit at the end saying 3500, she changed her mind. 8D

$4000: Some of you may know that I have never willingly posted a picture of my face in public online. It's a mix of paranoia and generally being camera shy. Only one person on Iwaku has seen my face, and that was @Diana for the sake of age verification on Amor. However, if you nerds manage to hit this milestone, I'll shatter the mystique of my smirking Littlefinger avatar and post a selfie. Some of you may be asking if this is really worth four thousand dollars. To that I say fuck you, that's the minimum I'm willing to do it for, deal with it, scrubs.

$5000: There is only one thing (not counting NSFW sort of things) that I am more averse to doing publicly than posting a picture of my face: singing. I hate it so fucking much. I know I'm terrible at it and I just absolutely refuse to sing basically any time it's even mentioned. I was the kid in school singing performances who would just mouth along with the words without actually singing, and that was my peak participation level in anything to do with singing. At this point it's probably some kind of pathological aversion that would require extensive therapy to undo. However, if you absolute monsters can donate this ridiculous sum of money, I will get horrendously drunk (because I'll need to be drunk to get through it, I assure you) and record me doing some kind of fucking karaoke singing. @firejay1 does karaoke nights with some friends sometimes, so I'll probably join in that mess and record at least my parts of it. Just the thought of it makes me want to shrivel up and die, but there it is. I'm not even making a challenge out of this one: don't you fuckers do it. I know it's within the realm of possibility, but fucking don't. Buy something useful instead of throwing money at some roleplaying forum, we already have enough to last us for a long while. Please spare me. ;_;

Also $5000: @Diana will use some of this utterly ridiculous sum of money to buy a car and then she will paint my name on the side of it. Like my actual real life first name, not Jorick. And then I'm sure there will be pictures, so you shits will all learn my name. At that point I'll be curled up in the fetal position crying in a corner because of the above milestone, so I won't care about this bit of info getting out. Also this is more reason to not reach the $5000 mark: Diana will misappropriate Iwaku funds for her own use! Don't let her steal your Iwaku money for a car, don't get us to $5000. 8D

More at $5000: And finally, @The Mood is Write is another camera shy nerd, but she has said she'll post a selfie if we reach this donation total. I can't argue with her placing a higher price tag on her selfie, because in her own words she is "cute and busty" and I can't really compete with that. As a bonus, because I'll be wanting to take out my pain and suffering on others, I will also peer pressure the fuck out of all staff and interns to try to get as many of them as possible to provide selfies so we can make some kind of lame and dorky faces of staff album, because why the fuck not.

AND THAT IS IT. NO MORE FUCKING MILESTONES. IF WE HIT $5000 I REFUSE TO GIVE ANY MORE MILESTONES BECAUSE FUCK YOU ALL YOU MADE ME SING, YOU DON'T DESERVE NICE THINGS AFTER THAT.

Oh God I'm Regretting This Already But Donate Anyway!​

jk fundraiser over

 

[Jorick]

Alright, the new milestones are up in the first post! Mess with all your admins and Diana if you have the drive to go for double the goal!

Also, because you've already reached the $500 initial goal, that means I'm definitely going to be writing that huge story. Congratulations, you sadistic bastards, my roleplay partners will hate me for a while as I dedicate most of my writing time to getting this done, hahaha. What follows in this post is a teaser of sorts (a prologue really) to give you all a taste of what's to come. 8D

---

The crackling and snapping from the fireplace mixed with the sound of wet and wheezing breaths to fill the air with an unpleasant cacophony. It was a rather small home, built of rough stones mortared together to form a single room, and there was barely enough room for the two visitors to stand amongst the ramshackle furniture. Both faced the bed that took up a large portion of the space, a once-ornate piece that had only remnants of gold and white paint flecks on the wooden posts.

"Only two of you, eh?" The raspy voice from the man laying in bed wasn't much better than the wheezing. He looked like a caricature of age, wizened and wrinkled with wispy white hair sprouting from only his chin and the sides of his head and out of his pointed ears. "Look how far we've fallen. Still-" The old man cut off with a strangled sound, then fell into a fit of weak coughing. One of the visitors, the woman, stepped forward as if to help, but she was waved away. The coughs took on a decidedly thick and wet tone, and finally they stopped as the man spit a glob of dark brown phlegm off to the side and onto the dirt floor, where it joined many other such spots that gave the area an oddly mottled appearance.

The old man picked up where he left off, his voice now slightly less raspy than before. "Still, we did it. I did it. Held firm. Saw it to the end. They laughed at me, aye, they did. Called me the mad king. Bunch of ungrateful sacks of dung, if you ask me. You." He gestured to the woman with a weak wave of his hand. "I'm not gonna live to see another sunrise. Tell me my list of titles. The old ones, back when I sat on the throne. Last wish of a dying man and all that."

She shifted her feet sheepishly and looked to the ground. "I.. never learned them, Your Grace."

"Never learned them?" The old man wheezed and let his hand drop, trying to laugh but unable to get the proper sound out through his clogged lungs. "Aye, been some years since then. Guess your family forgot everything that went with their promise to keep the faith. So be it. At least you came when called. And you, lad?"

The young man simply nodded his head before beginning, listing the titles off in a bored drone. "High King of the Ivory Circle, The Great Circlebinder, Lord of the Glass Throne, Wielder of the Godslayer, Bringer of the Age of Mortals, The Undying One, Conqueror of the Frozen North, Protector of Salt and Sand, Guardian of Tree and Hill, The Last Gate of Norlathel." He bowed, a shallow and mocking thing, and he finished the recitation with a sarcastic twist to his words. "All hail the mighty Jorick."

Another burst of stuttering wheezes from the bed preceded Jorick pushing himself up to sit as fully upright as he could. "You've got an attitude. Good. You're gonna need some fire in your belly for what comes next. I figure neither of you really believe, aye?" The young man's blank stare and the woman's return to sheepish glances at the ground were answer enough. "Ah, but you're worried. Worried enough to be here, at least. You were taught the prophecies, you saw the first signs, and when the red-eyed raven perched on your doorstep you followed. You'll believe it all soon enough, I promise you that."

Jorick struggled to turn himself in his bed until his feet popped out from under the covers to the side. They were thin and bony things, with thick yellow nails that had gone untrimmed for countless months. He stopped here, wheezing and gasping for air, and flicked fingers toward a chest standing off by itself in a corner of the room. "In there. Take a bag each. Take as many as you like. I hoped for many more, but two will have to do. And one of you bring me my staff."

The young man made for the chest immediately, while the woman headed in the opposite direction to get the requested staff. The chest was filled with leather bags, each about the size of a large man's fist, and the dull metal clinking when the man picked one up made it rather obvious they were filled with coins, but there was also a subtler crinkling sound as well. The young man looked back toward the bed with a brow raised in silent question.

"Copies of the prophecy." Jorick coughed and spat on the floor again, this time leaving a bright red smear in the dirt. He did not acknowledge it as he took hold of the staff the woman held out, then used it to lever himself forward and further off the side of the bed. "And coin to pay for travel and the like. It's all gold. Take the lot of it, I've no need for gold now. Just spread the word and do what you can to make the world ready for what comes. Ignorance is the greatest weakness of mortals, so you two shall be my last effort to help your kind. Two torches of knowledge to light the way forward. Go on, take the gold now, you'll need it."

Finally, with shaking hands both grasping the wood of the staff, Jorick stood. Some of his joints popped loud enough for the visitors to hear it, and he let out a deep groan of discomfort. Even so, he did not ask for help. He took small, uncertain steps forward, heading toward the door of the small building. There were no words as he struggled to make this last small journey, only the sound of fire and labored breathing mixed with the dull clink of the man and woman emptying the chest of its fortune.

Eventually they all made it outside. Jorick stood two steps outside the door, staring upward at the stars. The two visitors waited in silence until he spoke again, this time in a voice that seemed so thin a breeze might blow it away. "Hold out your left hands. Palm down." The two exchanged doubtful glances, but they did as asked. Perhaps the chest full of gold inside was enough to purchase their compliance, or they just wanted to humor a dying man. Jorick held out his own left hand, gnarled and withered, and twisted his fingers up into an unnatural configuration. A flash of red light burst forth and struck the offered hands of the man and woman, and they both recoiled in shock, but there was no pain or other sensation at all. When they looked at their hands, Jorick knew what they would see there: an emblem of a red-eyed raven, marks that would last until long after they died. The young man immediately started in with some kind objection, but the gnarled hand rose once more and he wisely fell silent.

"I had to see the sky one last time." Jorick's eyes had remained upturned the entire time, though now he leaned more heavily on his staff. "They say my people become stars when they die. I've always thought it was a load of crap, but it's a comforting thought. Perhaps I'll be able to see you how you two do, how mortalkind fares in these dark days." He turned his gaze to the two still standing there in shock, and now they could clearly see the moonlight shine on his inhuman silver eyes. "You each bear my sigil now. Remember that prophecy always has layers of meaning. 'The saviors will follow the red-eyed raven's call.' Aye, that line brought you to me, but it will also bring champions to your side for the coming fight. You'll be grateful for it in time."

Another coughing fit took the old man, and this time he sputtered out blood with each forceful exhalation. Even so, he remained standing, wavering but not yet fallen. As he looked to his visitors, his last gifts to the mortal races, he gave them a bloody smile. "Go now, spread the word and seek the signs. The Last Gate of Norlathel is falling, and there'll only be so much time to prepare after I'm gone. They've been working on me through their seal for long years, and now they've finally won their freedom. It's up to you two, and whoever you can gather to help, to put the fuckers back in their cage. But until you do, ah, chaos will reign. Run now, run fast and far and spread the truth to all who have ears to hear it." Jorick groaned and sank to one knee, and his eyes turned upward toward the starry sky once more. He shook with the force of more coughing, but he managed to gasp one last breath and speak once more in a choked whisper.

"The dark gods are returning to Iwaku."

 

[Greenie]

RIP TT_TT

 

[Pahn]

So guys I just wanna say

Currently the top donor gave $250, which means that i what I would be matching. We are currently at $630. Do you know what that means? It means there only remains like $120 to reach $850, then my donation will bring us to $1000.

They said we couldn't do this, I think we caaaan 8D Every dollar counts so even just $1 donations or $5 is awesome :D

Keep it up Iwaku!

 

[HerziQuerzi]

They say my people become stars when they die.

 

[IntrusivePenDesperateSword]

That's amazing. I'll definitely stick around to read the whole thing. Great job, Lord Jorick.

[spoili]Also every single tree is inevitably an Intrusive cameo[/spoili]

 

[Sail]

@Jorick This story reminds me of a book series I'm reading at the moment, the Sword of Truth. But, I'd be proud to say that I prefer your writing style to that of Goodkind's. :)

 

[Jorick]

@Jorick This story reminds me of a book series I'm reading at the moment, the Sword of Truth. But, I'd be proud to say that I prefer your writing style to that of Goodkind's. :)

I've read that series, and I'm not sure what similarities you're seeing, but I shall gladly take the compliment. 8D

 

[Greenie]

That's amazing. I'll definitely stick around to read the whole thing. Great job, Lord Jorick.

[spoili]Also every single tree is inevitably an Intrusive cameo[/spoili]

Same here. I'm a picky reader and it's hard to hook me in :'D

 

[Sail]

I've read that series, and I'm not sure what similarities you're seeing, but I shall gladly take the compliment. 8D

Mainly the fact that its set in an older world, it has prophecies that sound a tad similar, and its fantasy XD And the fact that there is a magical old man XD

 

[Joan]

-wishes she could donate-
-settles for watching the fun instead-

 

[Jorick]

Mainly the fact that its set in an older world, it has prophecies that sound a tad similar, and its fantasy XD And the fact that there is a magical old man XD

Haha, alright, fair enough. Those points are indeed similar. :P

 

[CrystalTears]

Haha, alright, fair enough. Those points are indeed similar. :P

I'm looking forward to your story ^^! (Also to mess with your face >:D)

 

[PoetLore]

So I'm looking forward to reading Jorick's novel! do you have a spoiler? A topic? Juuuust wondering!

 

[HerziQuerzi]

So I'm looking forward to reading Jorick's novel! do you have a spoiler? A topic? Juuuust wondering!

he does

he's a sick old man, i'll tell you that much for free

 

[PoetLore]

Obviously I DID NOT scroll UP from the alert I got. SO...that is WONDERFUL @Jorick!

Always a good plot device to kill someone in the prologue, definitely looking forward to reading the rest.

 

[Diana]

SCARED

 

[Adaon ril'Morgerard]

An entire year?

Are you crazy?! I mean, admins need to keep up appearances you know. A week is fine but that's 52 times longer! And not even all of them together, 52 weeks for each person. You'll be old and white-haired by the time you're done. They'll be old and white-haired by the time you're done. Hell, even I might have gray hairs by then. And I've got a blue heart and star under my username now.

 

[Rosedrachen]

Hahaha.. let's get it to $2000. Also if anyone fuels me with some ideas of what to do with Kitti, Astaroth, and Diana's images... let me know. *flex fingers* If I get busy at least I can draw something silly.

Also, @Jorick
Also, all who donated for this fundraiser will receive three months of donator status rather than the usual one month.
I have a subscription running for Iwaku already, can I give this fancy schmancy of green-ness to a friend instead?

 

[CrystalTears]

Hahaha.. let's get it to $2000. Also if anyone fuels me with some ideas of what to do with Kitti, Astaroth, and Diana's images... let me know. *flex fingers* If I get busy at least I can draw something silly.

Also, @Jorick
Also, all who donated for this fundraiser will receive three months of donator status rather than the usual one month.
I have a subscription running for Iwaku already, can I give this fancy schmancy of green-ness to a friend instead?

Let's make Jorick a very sexy and cute princess Kitty boy <3

Let's make Kitti into a badass bulldog or something because irony xD

And when I think of the other two. . .

I shall at the very least suggest it <.< >.> >: D!

 

[Dolkvier]

I've just read all of this. And I am thankful to God I did.

Thanks to everyone who posted in here. :D