Fight School [OOC/Signup]

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I'd have to agree with Beta, this CS is still a ways away from being acceptable.

I don't currently have a specific belt listed for Junkiro's Kyokushin karate (but should now), but in my backstory, I did not only keep his progression to believable levels, I also mentioned he had reached the upper junior belt levels, so he's just below a 1st Dan, which is a somewhat advanced progression, but still more than humanly possible. In addition, Junkiro is 15, while your character is only 13. While two years may not seem like much, 2 years can equal more than one belt level, not to mention a lot of physical development occurs during the puberty stage, which your character would either still be starting or have just started, while my character would be well into the middle of it.

Beta and I have different views on parahumans, but I won't argue with his judgment; what he says is fine, is fine.

There are also some story holes in your backstory, but these are less worrisome than the clear contradictions and errors that are also present. But beyond what Beta has already gone over (I won't bust your balls by double-slamming you), I still feel like there's a substance missing from your backstory. While it does have sufficient paragraphs now, it still seems hurried and short. Basically, your whole backstory can be whittled down to 'sad girl does karate and suddenly kicks ass'. Doesn't that seem just a little bit short? Add some extra details. How did she meet her sensei? Did anything else important happen in her life? Go into detail about how she ended up dealing with her bullies. All these things add substance and depth to your character, which will not only make our lives easier during character interaction, but will make YOUR life easier when you need to determine how she might act in a situation.

Please understand we're not here to trash your CS-we do want you in this RP, but we also have a level of writing skill that we adhere our players, and ourselves, to. This is not to say we don't want you because of it; in fact, the opposite is true. All our criticism is to help you write a better character, not just here, but everywhere else as well. Hopefully you can take these suggestions and criticisms in stride and become a better roleplayer for it. Beta and I both went through the same thing before.

Anyways, keep working at your CS. If you want help from either Beta or myself, don't hesitate to ask.
 
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Beta said:
Ok, Cheselth. I'm going to try and combine my usual blunt but honest demeanor with as much niceness as I can, because I don't want to scare you off or anger you... so here goes.

First, you still don't list a belt level. Karate is a highly structured style that keeps track of your rank and skill level. Obscure things like the style Cfavano used often don't have rankings, but Karate does. To be acceptable, I would need a ranking.

Second. Not having a power is fine. Not everyone NEEDS a power.

Third, Karate is actually a fairly broad style with many sub-styles within. Kyokushin, Shotokan, Shorin-Ryu, and many more... are different forms within the style of Karate. Don't believe me? Click HERE. I'd need you to choose one of them specifically. The most common types in the USA are Shotokan and Shorin-Ryu, if you were wondering.

Fourth, a twelve year old girl could in no way be better than a seasoned instructor. The minimum ranking for an instructor/sensei is 3rd-Dan. That's a 3rd-degree black belt. Even then, they are generally assistant instructors. Most teahers rank between 4th and 7th Dan, which is to say they are VERY skilled. So really, if you're saying you beat him then you're saying you rank at least at 4th Dan. No characters may be above 1st Dan without a reason. For example, my character has a power which lets him learn the movements of others after watching them for a short while. Thus he learned his style more quickly and is a 2nd Dan.

Lastly, at the top of the CS... you dropped from C-Rank to E3. E3 is the absolute lowest ranking possible. You say that, then claim to beat your sensei who would be at least 3rd-Dan... yet my character is a 2nd-Dan and is a C2 Rank. And before you assume that means I am ok with you beating your sensei, I am not. I stand by what I said above about that not being possible. It takes a minimum of about eight years of training to acheive a legitimate Black Belt. Even then, teens are rarely issued their black belt until the ages of 15 or 16. In fact, they generally need to pass secondary tests to do so even at that age.

Currently, I cannot accept the character. It is a decent try, but I think you should have done a bit more research into the martial arts before making your submission. Karate, and all other martial arts, aren't simply the fantastic things we see in movies, television, and anime.
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Eh... you didn't scare me off or anger me as much as just pointed something of importance out. I really should try harder and do my research before acting like a dummy. Ty XD And because I have posted my CS here, it means I'm committed to this RP. I am fully aware that I need to get better in my writing skills, which is but one reason I joined this. You stated it needs to be paragraph style and I intend on trying my best to do so. If you want to tell me what I'm doing wrong, then please, do so.
 
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We've got this handled, Charles. Though the offer is appreciated.
 
I figured. I really like how adorable she looks. Shame she has to get beat up on.
 
Whoa, whoa, Cfav. We're not beating up on her, we're trying to help her out.
 
Alright, sorry for the extended delay of my character ID, but I'm finally finished!
 
Alrighty, Zero. Here is my review.

Let me start by saying that the character overall is great. I love it.

That aside, I can only really think of one thing you need to do. the "questionable and experimental training methods" that lead to him developing more durable bones and (what I assume is) a dulled sense of pain... you should go into at least a BIT of detail as to what those methods were. Other than that, great job.
 
@Beta I've added a bit of detail on the methods as you requested, and I'd also like to thank you for your compliment on my character earlier.
 
Alrighty. That's acceptable. Just note, with the supplements and small amounts of hallucenogenics... you'll be far from immune to pain and broken bones. Just more RESISTANT to them. If something hits really hard or someone snaps your arm 90 degrees in the wrong direction, it will hurt and/or things will still break.

That all said, welcome to the RP. I'll be adding Axel to the roster now.
 
That's what I intended, complete immunity to pain makes a character less fun to play for me personally, since if you eliminate pain completely, you're either ridiculously powerful or numb, of which I like neither.
 
With that, my app is all good.
 
Greased Smitening or I will review your character after we rest up, Crow. Its 4AM for us and we're both tired as hell. Appreciate the fact you did finish the CS up, though.

Review inbound in the morning/early afternoon.
 
Uh...huh. After looking over your CS, Crow, here's what I have to say:

First off, those are some VERY large breasts for just a thirteen year old. I strongly recommend finding a more age-accurate faceclaim.

Second: Belly Dancing, while unorthodox, is fine as a fighting style as long as you can make it work.

Third: Water walking, while it will be relatively useless in most situations here, is fine as a power if you want it to be that way.

Fourth: The personality looks to be alright.

Fifth, and most importantly: Your backstory is frustrating. The content itself is rather bare-boned and needs more details to be acceptable. The general idea is alright, but from what I can tell, you have Rani II being a master of the art? Seems unlikely, even if it is a unique style. You ought to include how far she has it mastered and some limitations to her capabilities.

Also, PLEASE USE PRONOUNS. 'this child' is fine once or twice, but when you use it like you're afraid of pronouns, it gets hard to read AND infuriating.

To recap, find a more appropriate picture, fix your pronoun usage, and make edits to the backstory to include more details and make it easier to read.
 
IC will begin in a day or two.

Characters still in development or awaiting edits/approval can still join even after it begins, so long as they are accepted and added to the roster. Similarly any new players who are accepted AFTER it begins may also take part.
 
I guess I'll fix the age to be like 15 or something when I'm ready to flesh out the history.
 
Name: Shotaro Yanmei
I.D. Number: 83275937
Rank: S1
Year: 4th
Nationality: Singaporean
Age: 18
Sex/Gender: Male

Appearance:
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ID Card:
XrZ4d4t.png


Fighting Style: Taekwondo - 5th Dan Black Belt

Theme Song: Everybody's Fool - Evanescense

Additional Information
- Shotaro loves Country-Western music, yet seems to feel a bit of shame when new people discover this fact.
- Shotaro's biggest pet peeve is people who callously ignore animal rights or say "Its just an animal".
- Shotaro's strange talent is folding origami.

Powers: High Tension - When in combat, Shotaro can choose to flood his body with up to three times the adrenaline most people could even tolerate. This leads to his reactions being faster, his strikes being more powerful, and his overall fighting ability increasing in proportion to the amount of adrenaline he forces into his system. There is of course a drawback to such an overwhelmingly powerful ability. First of which, this is a short-term boost lasting no longer than a minute. Secondly, Shotaro's metabolism is accelerated after using this ability. This causes him to binge eat after most of his fights. Lastly, his heart rate stays high for a minimum of an hour, he becomes very short of breath, and his muscles ache tremendously. While repeated uses of this ability can briefly mitigate the negatives, doing so would have cumulative and possibly fatal effects.

Personality: Headstrong and brash, Shotaro is not afraid to let others know what is on his mind. He knows he's among the strongest of the strong at New Peaks Academy and is not afraid to show it. Someone pisses him off? He challenges them to a fight. They refuse? They get fought anyway. Sure, he might have to take a day or two off from a suspension or pay a fine... but frankly, it isn't HIS money that pays those fines anymore. So why would he care? He's the cream of the crop. He's the top of the top. He's an elite among elites. If you don't like him, that isn't his problem.

Background: Despite being from the country with the highest percentage of millionaires (one in six households), Shotaro's family was one of the few who were geniunely poor. This was mostly due to his mother, who had been found trafficking drugs when the Shotaro was only seven years old. Laws regarding drugs are incredibly strict in Singapore, and as a result the sentence was death. This tainted his family to some extent, as Shotaro's father quit working during the case to support his wife... and was unable to find work for three months afterward. It was often assumed he had a part in his wife's dealings, despite evidence to the contrary.

The lapse in employment was devastating considering the cost of living in Singapore, and Shotaro's father decided they would move to America. Still deeply wounded over the loss of his mother, Shotaro fell into a spiral of misbehavior and rebellion almost immediately upon relocating to the city of San Francisco. Not wanting his son to develop further bad habits and behaviors, Mr. Yanmei enrolled Shotaro into Taekwondo classes in order to give him an outlet for his energy and aggression, as well as to teach the boy discipline and responsibility. This proved to be a very good decision, as young Shotaro took to the sport like a fish to water.

Every single week, Shotaro was eager to go to class. Every week, he came home tired and sweaty. His behavior improved, his grades stayed reasonably high, and the tensions at home were reduced significantly.

Fast forward six years. Shotaro is in the 8th grade and recently earned his 1st-Dan Black Belt. Many of his peers were jealous to hear this, and bragged that they knew a black belt. This of course attracted the attention of kids who thought that was a lie or thought they were tougher than some "power ranger wannabe". One day after school let out, four boys approached Shotaro and tossed their backpacks to the ground. "Come on, pussy. Show us your power ranger kicks. It's morphin' time!" they teased. Shotaro just wished they'd go away and leave him alone, and tried to walk past. One pushed him back and said "Oh... does ums wanna go cry to ums mommy? Oh right. You don't have a mommy." That was when it all went red.

Adrenaline flooded Shotaro's body. He felt a rush unlike anything a boy his age could ever hope to feel. The bully who pushed him? A swift kick to the side of the head ensured he didn't run his mouth anymore, breaking four of the bones in his face. The other three stood by in awe, utterly dumbstruck that a single kick had taken down their friend. Before they could react, Shotaro was in the face of another of the bullies. A spinning back kick knocked the wind right out of the bully's lungs and broke two of his ribs. The other two began to run, but Shotaro caught up with one of them. This boy was the luckiest of the three, as he took a side kick to the hip and a punch to the jaw. No broken bones. The last boy managed to run and get a teacher, who would return to find three wounded boys and Shotaro screaming and crying as he beat his head against the outside wall of the school.

Everyone received medical care, including Shotaro. Lab tests showed there was an unusually high level of adrenaline still flowing through the child's veins. Like an increasing number of people in the world, Shotaro soon realized he had an unusual gift that set him apart from the norm. His gift was something potentially frightening... the ability to control his adrenal glands at will. Despite the interesting revelation, Shotaro still had to do penance for snapping as he did. Two weeks in a Juvenile Detention Facility and six months of probation. He did the time and followed the rules, and by the time his first year of high school rolled around, he was free and clear to do what he wanted once again.

While he had used his art to do deliberate harm to others, his instructors seemed to understand the situation and allowed Shotaro to continue taking classes with them. While on probation, he redoubled his efforts to be the personification of the Tenants of Taekwondo. A month before beginning High School and shortly after his 14th birthday, Shotaro's instructors agreed it was time to promote the young man to 2nd Dan. It seemed like he was on the road to redemption... but things were not as they seemed. Having gained a taste of the unrivaled rush that combat brought him, Shotaro was only playing at nice. In reality, he just wanted to get better at Taekwondo so he could kick even more ass. The anger the bullies unleashed and the intense rush of his newfound ability proved too addictive for the young man to resist.

Two weeks before he was to start high school, Shotaro received a letter that would change his life. An acceptance letter for New Peaks Academy, via the "Young Masters" outreach program. The Young Masters Program was designed to reach out to poorer teens who cannot afford classes at New Peaks, but have achieved at least their 1st-Dan Black Belt in the martial art they practice. These students receive one year of classes at New Peaks free of charge, and then reduced tuition for the remaining three years. Mr. Yanmei agreed that going to the prestigious school would be the best course of action for Shotaro, and helped his son pack what possessions he would bring with him.

His first year at New Peaks, Shotaro was picked on by many of the more wealthy first-year students due to being there via the outreach programs. They were quickly shown why he was accepted under the Young Masters program, and generally woke up wondering what direction the kick came from. Within his first year, Shotaro moved from D1 Rank to B3, blazing through C-Rank in an uncommonly short time. During this time he also trained with the school's registered martial arts instructors, who were amazed at the young man's prowess and granted him his 3rd Dan black belt. This caught the eye of certain upperclassmen, who approached him just before the school year ended.

It was after he encountered these other students that Shotaro's true self really came to light. He started picking fights as soon as his second year began, and often with the newer first-years who didn't yet know all the rules and what was/wasn't allowed. In addition, he also started to intentionally scar his body in order to appear tougher and more intimidating. These scars were generally obtained during 'training accidents' when Shotaro would 'practice' alone and with metal weapons. As they were mostly on the arms and chest, he was not suspected of causing intentional harm to himself, and treated by New Peaks medical staff each time. All this and more are what encompassed Shotaro's second year, and he reached the rank of A2 by the time the year ended.

Third year was more of the same. Causing trouble, training, and occasionally injuring himself on purpose. In addition to the "sweet-ass scars" that criss-crossed his body, these self-inflicted wounds had an added benefit. These intentional wounds helped Shotaro harness and improve his ability to control his adrenaline. In his third year, Shotaro had a record thirty-two fights interrupted by a judge... more than any other student to have ever attended New Peaks Academy. This was also the year Shotaro earned his 4th Dan black belt. Due to his record-breaking year and outstanding prowess in his art, Shotaro advanced from A2 to S2 when the school year came to a close.

Now begins his final year as a student of New Peaks Academy. Now the de-facto leader of the group that approached him just over two years ago, Shotaro is poised among the Academy's elite. He has the money from students trying to win his favor. He has the power to tell those in his group what to do. He has the respect of many second and third year students. He has eyes upon him among the faculty and executives of New Peaks Academy... but what will he do with it? Well... that remains to be seen.
 
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Please note. Day One at the academy is evaluation day. It is when you are given your ranking, when you are shown your dorm, when you are given a class schedule, and so forth. No actual classes are held. Day One is somewhat similar to the last day of school before a long break, in that after the above-mentioned things, you are free to go about your day as you please.
 
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