Family Troubles

[Hatsune Candy]

I meant to post something sooner, but I've been struggling to find the right words for what I'm currently going through. I still don't have them, but if I wait any longer to vent, I'm gonna explode.

A couple weeks ago, my dad went on a business trip. My memory is a little fuzzy when it comes to the specifics of the trip, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that he came home a week later than he was supposed to, and he was around for less than 10 minutes before suddenly leaving again; this time without saying a word. Next thing I know, I'm holding my mom in my arms because she burst into tears while trying to explain to my brother and I that he isn't coming back. Apparently he's been going through some tough times lately, and his way of dealing is by closing himself off from the rest of the world. This isn't the first time he's done something like this, though I was too young to really remember it. I'm worried about my mom, she hasn't been taking it very well. There was mention of divorce.

I am trying. I am trying really fucking hard to not hate my dad for walking out on my mom like that, because she asked me not to. But I just can't help how I feel. He made it abundantly clear to me that he is a coward who'd rather hurt those closest to him than deal with his problems or seek help. The thing is, though, I can understand why he left. I've been there before, more times than I would like; it's easy to think that you have no other choice. That doesn't make it hurt any less.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this, I needed to get this off my chest somehow. I don't have any friends that I can talk to about this, at least, not one that actually cares...

 

[A.O. Taku]

I think it's the responsibility of anyone whose... suffering internally... to seek professional help. At least once, at the very least. That being said, I-

I'm sorry. I just understand the desperation to run away. Some people figure it's just better to distance yourself than face the possibility of dragging other people down; which can feel like an incredibly likely scenario.

Even so... even with no options, I just. When you're married, you have children, you can't give into these types of feelings. Not when you're obligated to a family.

I really, really hope your father decides to seek help. To at least try. And... I do think it's okay to feel angry. You shouldn't be having to go through this, you and your family. Having mental issues is hard, but people shouldn't forget that the ones who are around these people—friends, family—have to go through a lot, too. I'm sorry you're suffering this, and I'm sorry you don't have people to talk to about this. Being alone when you're going through things like this is one of the worst feelings on earth. So whenever you want to just talk, I really hope you won't hesitate to do it here. People will be accepting of what you have to say, and we want you to have a life without problems. So if there's any comfort whatsoever from sharing on Iwaku, please... don't hesitate at all.

Post-Edit:
I hope I didn't make too many assumptions there. But still. Whenever you want to talk, even if you don't think you can put it into words, I think it's infinitely better than keeping it inside. Anger, like depression, is a venom that does far more harm to the container than on anything which it is spilled.

 

[Hatsune Candy]

@H.P. Gaster

Thank you. I don't think you realize just how much it means to me to have someone I barely know show such a level of support when I have no one else that I can count on to be there for me. I have never dealt with negative emotions very well, and I have a bad habit of supressing them so that I don't have to, which always proves to be ineffective. It helps to have someone I can talk to about what I'm going through, there's no one I know personally that I would be comfortable sharing my problems with.

I used to have someone like that, but our relationship has become a bit one sided lately; she no longer seems to care about my problems as much as I do hers. We used to be so close, and I never realized just how much I missed having that connection, or that it was even gone, until now, when I needed it the most. It fucking sucks. I don't have the mental capacity to deal with all this right now. I can barely handle my dad leaving, and now I have to worry about my best friend leaving me too? It's just too much. You're right, being alone when going through something like this is the absolute worst.

I think I'm in shock, and my brain still hasn't fully processed all that's happened. It was all so sudden, one moment everything is perfectly normal, and the next thing I know my whole world begins falling apart. I feel strangely disconnected from reality, like nothing else is real. I've been doing everything I can to keep my mind off things, but it hasn't been working. Every moment I have to myself is spent thinking about my dad, why he left, and the effect it's had on the rest of my family. I try to tell myself that if he had known the kind of pain that him leaving would cause, he wouldn't have done it, he would have stuck around and tried to work through his problems. I can't bring myself to believe it, though.

 

[A.O. Taku]

I don't think you realize just how much it means to me to have someone I barely know show such a level of support when I have no one else that I can count on to be there for me. I have never dealt with negative emotions very well, and I have a bad habit of supressing them

Consider our lack of intimacy a good thing, if you would like to. I'm willing to hear out anything you have to say without judgment, and because I'm nobody there's no need to feel the slightest bit of discomfort about me knowing something. Well, that's what I would hope. Obviously you can censor words if you like, not say anything, and so on. But genuinely, I would hear what you have to say and I would be perfectly accepting of you. I have my own issues so even ignoring my refusal to judge others, that just compounds with my refusal to judge you or others.

Because truly. I don't want you to repress your emotions. I know, and you seem to recognize it as well, that bottling these things up can and will harm you. It isn't healthy; it will distort your outlook; and you may come out a different person, one you'd rather not be. I mean... it's not a given any of those things will happen, but I absolutely will be an ear for you if that will keep you from internalizing.

I used to have someone like that, but our relationship has become a bit one sided lately; she no longer seems to care about my problems as much as I do hers. We used to be so close, and I never realized just how much I missed having that connection, or that it was even gone, until now, when I needed it the most. It fucking sucks.

It's so easy to lose sight of others in our world. Some people get the miracle of having purpose, friends, stability; but so many don't. And pain, it's relative. What is just an emotional bee sting to one person, can just as well shatter another's soul. So, I'm sorry your friend won't give you the same help that you offer her. Depression has a way of causing people to look at things from a difficult perception, but it doesn't change the fact that you're suffering your own demons. I've had that same connection with another before, and borderline lost it forever. During those couple years, I couldn't think about anything other than losing that connection; feeling alone. And I hate you have to feel this, too. On top of everything else.


When so much hell is breaking loose, it's easy to feel out of touch with reality. My own viewpoint has become... it just wasn't me anymore. Felt more like a flesh and blood robot. I think it's a subconscious defense mechanism to block out the pain; I like to think that. Hypothetically speaking, it means your body cares about you and is trying to protect you, even when it seems no one else will. For me anyway, that's how I saw it.

I personally think your father would change his mind if he could understand what you and your family are going through. Leaving in order to not burden others is all well and good, but if it turns out to have been the opposite result? That the burden comes from the act of leaving, not any dark thoughts inside; well then you've got to tuck that paranoia and settle with the reality of your situation. I hope he comes back -- or rather, I hope the best outcome is the one that happens. Whatever it is, whatever your family most needs.


Just... I want you to know that if or when you have the urge to talk, even if you don't think your mind can properly put it all into words, I will listen. You could post here, where the people of Iwaku can see and show you their support -- let you know that if they were there, you can bet they'd offer a hug -- or if you feel nervous about things being in public, you can privately message a nobody like me who would never judge you. Whatever you choose, whatever happens, I'm so sorry this is the hand you've been dealt. You shouldn't have to suffer like this.

 

[Hatsune Candy]

@H.P. Gaster

Again, thank you for your support. If I ever feel the need to talk to someone, I'll probably send you private message. But for now I think I've said just about all I can say without repeating myself. I don't think of you as a nobody, though, someone who's willing to be there for a total stranger in their time of need when they have no one else is a pretty spectacular person in my eyes.

 

[A.O. Taku]

@H.P. Gaster

Again, thank you for your support. If I ever feel the need to talk to someone, I'll probably send you private message. But for now I think I've said just about all I can say without repeating myself. I don't think of you as a nobody, though, someone who's willing to be there for a total stranger in their time of need when they have no one else is a pretty spectacular person in my eyes.

It's okay to feel like you're repeating yourself. It's also just as fine to actually repeat yourself, too. A lot of thoughts need expression, sometimes on a regular basis even when nothing's changed. Emotions are meant to be fleeting things. So if it takes going through it all a few times, that's just fine.

Honestly, I hope you won't feel any need to message me -- in the sense that things work out for you. But if it all stays within the gray, I am more than happy to be there. And even if things do work out, I'm still perfectly open to talks. Chatting can do wonders sometimes, that's what I think.

Good luck in all things.

P.S. I feel like I'm implying an end to conversation in this thread by encouraging talking, or mentioning PMs. Sorry about that. By all means, keep posting here. I'm just trying to encourage expression, that's all. Hope that came across alright.

 

[Hatsune Candy]

P.S. I feel like I'm implying an end to conversation in this thread by encouraging talking, or mentioning PMs. Sorry about that.

Oh, that's quite alright. If this conversation is to continue, I would rather be through PMs; it feels a lot more like I'm talking to a close friend that way. Speaking of, I did consider messaging you just so we could get to know each other better, but I've never been very good initating conversation and my anxiety has made it extremely difficult to for me to form new friendships. I have a pretty bad irrational fear of coming of as a burden to others, which only makes times like these all the more difficult.