"Family is all you need"

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Altered, Nov 26, 2014.

  1. In the past year there has been a lot of tension in my family on my mothers side. My uncle's wife had said horrible things about my grandmother, my aunts, my mom and me. At first I wanted to know nothing about it because this woman was already dead to me for throwing my uncle out and refusing to let him see his own kids. I was on my uncles side until suddenly, he's back with her and they move to another city. Everyone in my family felt betrayed, especially me because he wasn't just my uncle he was my second dad.

    So months pass and my mom finally forces me to sit down and listen to everything that had happened and I felt completely broken. His wife called my grandmother, who helped take care of their two kids who are severely autistic, went out of her way to take her to work at bars and treated her like her own daughter, a useless cunt. She called my mother a worthless bitch who gave birth to worthless kids. And she accused me of molesting her oldest son. That accusation had me break down sobbing and finally telling my mom what REALLY was happening. Her oldest son had been molesting me for years and she knew about and blamed his illness and manipulated me through my depression and self loathing to keep it a secret.

    But what hurt the most was that my uncle chose, after hearing about all of this, to go back with her and turned his back on his family.

    So in turn, I've become very cold and angry when it comes to them. Any mention of them I walk away or ignore the comment. Whenever my grandparents show me photos of his sons, and call them my cousins, I tell them I have no cousins. And I have recieved a lot of pressure from my grandparents, namely my grandmother, and my aunts who are trying to 'help' me forgive, but in fact it feels like their pressuring me.

    And for all this time, my mom has been on my side on this matter and she refuses to accept them as family. But even she has started to forgive my uncle, but I just can't.

    I don't have many people I trust that I can ask for advice from, but I figure a third party would be better. I don't know, I just want to know if I'm not being a stubborn ass about all of this.
     
  2. Family isn't blood, it's who you care about more than yourself. Family stands together no matter the odds, and protects one another.
    These people are not your family. At all. This is not acceptable or tolerable. Your uncle turned his back on you to side with, ultimately, the person molesting you.

    Now, that being said, I've had my fair share of family troubles, so please take my advice when I say that harbouring great, seething hatred will only consume and hurt you. You should let go of that hatred, but don't let this person back in your life. He chose to burn the bridge, now he has to live with that fact.
     
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  3. It's hard to let go of that hate. It's the only thing the feels real in that whole situation. Even after a year I still feel like this whole thing is a horrible nightmare and I'll wake up from it. But I know that this is happening and there is nothing left between me and those people. I just don't understand how my family can think I can forgive them and let them back into my life. That won't happen no matter how hard they pressure me, because it's wrong.

    I just need to know from someone else's eyes that my choice isn't me being stubborn or being a brat as my brother calls it.
     
  4. No. It isn't. It really isn't wrong to keep out someone who molested you, and the people who sided with the molester. The fact that your family thinks otherwise is a rather insane mark on their sense of morality.

    As for hatred? You can still bitterly dislike them, frankly, that's the logical position to take. Just don't let the fact that they exist determine your emotional outlook on life. Don't let them control you by proxy of memories after they're gone, move on, and heal yourself, gently, slowly, take all the time you need. Just leave them behind and if others can't understand that, then either envy or pity their naivety that they should not have to deal with the pain of what you went through.

    Take control over your emotions. Be who you are, whoever that is, and accomplish everything you can.
     
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  5. Most of my family doesn't know what happened to me, only my mother. She was the only one who sided with me but I can only assume she's trying to forgive her brother to make my grandmother happy. Our family has a long list of people who have died of broken hearts, the emotional strain is too great for them and most have died.

    I tend to keep my emotions for people aside in normal life. It's only when they are around or mentioned that those memories come back along with the anger and hate. But I don't let it control me. My life is my own and I have to focus on myself to heal. It's another reason as to why I'm trying to move out because everyone lives close to each other and I want out. And my father is the only one willing to help me even though he doesn't want me to leave.

    Thank you for your words of kindness.
     
  6. If you need more advice in the future, don't hesitate to ask me.
     
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  7. I agree with Brovo. Anyone who knows that someone is doing something like that and not only ignores it, but tries to blame you for it is not family. I know if one of my daughters was going through the same situation, not only would I be going to the police, regardless of blood shared, but there would be absolutely no way in the world I would have any sympathy at all for either of them.

    It's a lot to ask that you forgive them, and you honestly don't have to. All you really need to say is that you have your own reasons for staying angry, and leave it at that. No one can tell you who to forgive whether it's family or not. You don't have to explain yourself, the people who know should be able to understand why you are finding it hard to simply forgive and forget.

    I kind of envy you though. I went through something similar with my father, who is pretty much a worthless drunk. The things that he did to me when I was younger, and even after I got married and had kids of my own sound like something out of the most over-the-top drama novel you'll ever read. If I hadn't experienced them myself, I wouldn't even believe they happened. But I forgave him each time, and tried to have a relationship with him. I gave him a chance to be a grandfather to my children, even invited him to the hospital after my oldest daughter was born. He showed in my room, drunk, and nearly dropped my daughter who was barely two hours old.....

    Forgiveness doesn't change anything about the other person. You can forgive and forgive as much as you want, but if that other person hasn't changed it's only going to result in you being hurt again. Don't forgive until you believe that your uncle deserves your forgiveness, and has changed for the better, not for the worse.
     
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  8. It wasn't my uncle who molested me, it was his oldest son. But that doesn't change anything. He chose to cut ties with me and I won't forgive him.

    Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I don't think I will ever be strong enough to forgive my cousin for what he did nor will I ever let him back into my life. I'm glad however that my mother shuts other family members down before they say anything about it to me. And I will never be able to forgive my uncle for choosing to believe his wife instead of hearing both sides and seeing the evidence.
     
  9. You are absolutely not just being stubborn about it. There is no unwarranted belligerence in your position and there are no good reasons why you should just pretend everything is fine. Your position is entirely justified.

    The only people who merit forgiveness for their nonsense are those around you who don't know the full story and maybe your uncle depending on an important piece of information. Folks like your brother who don't know the main reason why you are angry at the lot of them shouldn't be judged too harshly. From their perspective you have to understand that it would of course seem like you're holding a grudge while almost everyone else is getting over it, and they'd naturally assume you're angry over only the same things that upset them previously. It might be hard, but try not to be angry at people for making judgments in ignorance when you're choosing to keep them ignorant. There are definitely good reasons to not go telling everyone about what really happened, but if you ever feel comfortable telling them your actual reason for how you feel then I would wager that they'd change their tune pretty quickly.

    As for your uncle, it sounds like his wife is a lying manipulator, so it's entirely possible that he didn't actually get all the details; for someone to so ruthlessly manipulate another person as she did to you, I would not be surprised in the slightest if she twisted the whole thing into making it seem like it was either your fault entirely or not a big issue at all. If that ends up being the case, perhaps some day you might come to forgive him for siding with her, but it sounds like you've still got some other reasons to be upset with him over that so who knows. If he knew the real story and sided with his wife anyway then he's pretty much just as bad as her.

    Brovo's advice about trying not to let the rage consume you is solid. It sounds like you're already on top of that and looking forward at steps to improve your life, and that's really the best way to handle it. You needn't ever forgive or forget it, just don't let it control your life and you'll probably be fine.
     
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  10. As the cool guys above said. Just because you are descendants of a common ancestor doesn't mean you are family, the only people you should really consider your immediate family are the ones extremely close: Great/Grand/Parents, Siblings, Great/Grand/Children, and even then it's dependent on if they treat you as they're supposed to. The rest really depends on if you like them enough and they treat you as family. Your uncle may have went back with his wife because he either loves her or cares about his son, No reason to completely forgive him, but if it's true that he cares about the two, he should be forgiven just a little, It's likely he just doesn't know to respond to the situation.

    I may sound like a broken record, but I think it's best for your current emotional health to just block them off from who you consider family until you believe they deserve forgiveness. His wife, though, until she changes, if she changes, she does not deserve your respect. Don't hold any harsh feelings, as odd as it may sound, she's probably feeding off of the drama. People like that are sadly far too common in this day and age..
     
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  11. Thank you all for you kind words.
     
  12. There are things that cannot be forgiven.

    The same applies to my own family. There are things that I will not forgive, such as my begetter(I think that is the right word), decided to abandon his own children. He wont be forgiven. Ever.
    I will not forgive my mother for telling my teacher that I, a hsp, would cry to get attention while I was in elementary school. She needs to apologize and admitt that it is a mistake before she could gain forgiveness there though ;o
    My brother is very rude to me. Once I move out I will never speak to him again.
     
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  13. I agree with you on the brother thing. As soon as I am able I'm moving out and I'm never speaking to him again, for other reasons.
     
  14. I will elabroate a little. ///rant
    My brother takes my stuff without asking.
    I gave him stuff for his pc that I did not need and he considers it as being gifted.
    He owed me money that he did not return and now lies about not owing me anything and that I would owe him money because I supposedly sold a game of his 5 years ago.
    He stops talking to me and becomes extremly rude from one day to another, leaving me clueless to what his problems are.

    Broke his last hard drive and stole my external hard drive, which I simply tolerated until recently. Guess what? He claims I gave it to him and removed the handle of his door so he could feel safe about me not entering his room. (I got a friend in the metal working branchè, he can take care of the door easily.)
    He yells at me when I told him that he left his gf bored for a while last weekend.

    He attacked me physically two months ago, in which case I resulted to telling him that if he touches me again, I am going to get people to make him disappear...
    He interrupts me everytime he knows I am right.
    He exploits our mother financially....
    Told her he does not consider me family.
    Is jealous of never being able to be as intelligent as I am.
    Has a big mouth to me but would not even dare to be rude to a friend of mine.

    And etc, etc.

    I despise hypocrites, selfishness and stupidity. His actions speak that he is exacly that.... and a Liar ontop.
     
  15. Well we really are in the same boat with brothers. Although mine tends to leave me alone now. I exploded at him and my dad and spilled everything that was going on, mentioned above, and now he avoids me unless he get angry. But even then I keep a switch blade in my pocket at all times and he knows this. I'm not afraid to cut him if he tries to hit me.
     
  16. I should consider to carry something just in case as well.

    Couple of Months ago I considered buying a very sharp slicing weapon...(a katana... once for protection and second because I like them).
    I did not in the end because I thought that he is going to attempt to steal it and I do not want a hypocrite to carry a real weapon. Suprised me that I could actually get a slicing weapon in Germany that easily anyway as it's weapon law is very strict.

    This is a random thought now, considering and having read a tiny little bit >.< :
    If you require to face depression... I usually let it swim in me for a little and keep rejecting the thoughts it gives me as much as I can which is very little in my heavy depressive phases... though after latest two days I muster the strength to basically tell it to "fuck off" and push it out of me.
    Depression is, within psychology, imploded aggression. There is no reason for me to be angry at myself, I have no problem with my own personality. Neither should you unless you run around putting a lot of jews into gas chambers and invite them for a free shower.
    Lots of people on here seem to like you, too. Means that there is nothing wrong with whom you are.

    Yes it is difficult to face the thoughts that have burned into the brain.
    Did you know there are methods to influence your brain and make it believe things?
    One case is where you influence the wording of your thoughts.
    The second case is very interesting... Imagine doing an exercise perfectly while doing that same exercise... after a few weeks you will believe you have done the exercise perfectly while you actually did not and suddenly start doing them close to perfect.

    The brain is a very interesting thing.

    Sorry for writing down my thoughts and everything that came up to my mind that I connected with it. I do not wish to waste your time >.<
     
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  17. You did not waste my time. I enjoyed reading that, it's a very different way of seeing depression that I have not seen before.
     
  18. It is the psychological definition of Depression.... and in my personal experience it is true. In the end depression does occur when somebody is very unhappy, weither it is active or passive aggression that builds up and implodes is a different question, weither it is felt or not is again a different question.

    Hmm... my head just noted you writing "different way of seeing". This is how each one of us can usually influence who we are to some degree. By changing how we view something, this is influenced by informations we gain and expeirences we make of course as these are often the trigger for the change of perspective to happen.

    The reason for my depression was my body and especially my face. I felt really ugly, that I have a huge body...
    At some point a few months ago I started to do a few exercises to counter the aggression and stress. The exercises were done daily and every negative thought was blocked off by saying "I am working on it, shut up head."
    Then I took a make up course and was suprised at how pretty I looked with the make up. Been properly applying it since then and after two months I can say that the depressions only occur now when I try to do too much at once or am too worried about things in my life, such as finances and do not know a solution to the problem.

    It is hard to imagine that a couple of months ago I had to wake up daily with very heavy depression and the inner desire to kill myself, to harm myself. (which I never did. I am afraid of pain and my Principles disallow me to harm myself, it is good that I have that protection mechanism in me and always considered it good... so I would not harm myself.)

    It really started to change over a lot of time once I started to work on the solutions. It costed a lot of self control and energy and a lot of strength at the beginning.

    Of course the unhappyness about my body did not disappear wholy, but it is easy to just look away now and remove the thought entirely or to simply say "Oh well. Whatever" Knowing and finally understanding how many steps I have already done and how much courage I mustered. Even got a lot of numbers and attempts of men to make a move to date me.... (which I all rejected so far as neither of them is a quality male, I feel... like 3 grammar in a small piece of paper and the wrong phone number, easily seen with the / that was supposed to split pre- and actual phone number)
     
  19. For me there are multiple points in my life that make this very difficult for me, including trauma, and severe illness's. Exercises only work to a certain extant in my case. But I find your experience is helpful for me to keep in mind that I can help myself, even if it doesn't always work.

    Your English is quite good, but that is besides the point.
     
  20. Yeah a lot of german are unable to form proper sentences...
    Germany is, as of right now, walking down a path of economic ruin and impossible recovery. I wish to move to a more stable country within 10-20 years and being fine in english is going to help a lot with emigrating.
    I have a terrible german accent though :downcat:



    Do you receive advice from a therapist to help the trauma? (Unless it is physical trauma >.<)

    I have a psychological Trauma due to bullying in secundary school. I am afraid of Teenager.
    Another effect is when I get into trouble with other people at my working place or in any group that only even has the slightiest similiarity with the bullying and I try to run away from it by stopping to go there, basically retreating from life and the danger.

    There is also a Trauma due to bullying at school and arguments with my mother, I am unbable to trust other people easily and am very reserved with my emotions.

    Trauma is defined with long lasting psychological consequences.
    I used to feel pathetic about it. Mine seem so small compared to the problems of so many other people... yet in the consequences and influence they have, they are just as severe.



    This reminds me now to self blame which I have done for a long time and then stopped...

    Self Blame is when you lack understanding to why you are unable to do something. The first step there is to simply say "no" to the blame that gets into the head and simply start to accept that you were unable to do this. It has its reasons and even if they seem pathetic, if you know the reasons, they still are important enough to keep you off doing something and that is when it needs to be accepted and attempted differently. "Just because I can't do this in this way it does not mean I can't do this in another way."

    Well, as you can read above, my problems appear little to me while they are, to myself, a lot worse.

    oh lol. alrdy post midnight.(1:348am, usually had headed to bed... an hour ago xD) I will hit the bed now. Loved writing to you. I could continue tomorrow if you desire to and if you write something that brings more thoughts into my head X)