Failure

[grey987]

Never thought I'd have to do this. But, unfortunately it looks like it's come to that.

For once, I'm going to open myself up on a much more personal level and explain what is bogging my mind down so much to the point where my chest hurts and... well, though I understand from the site rules that this shouldn't be the place to mention this, I sometimes feel like my 'story' needs to be brought to a close.

Right now, I'm dealing with some seriously god-awful depression which may or may not be clinical (I can't seem to remember), having dealt with some pretty hard-hitting experiences earlier on in my life and am now getting multiple fits of this condition which just make it so hard for me to focus on anything or do anything.

I've always been a social kind of person who's looked for friends who I can converse nonchalantly with as well as seriously without there being any tension involved; instead of getting that, I've had a 'best friend' who parted ways with me without so much as a word after 8 years of being together since Junior Kindergarten, the group of people in my middle school whom he flocked to ridiculing and casting me out for three consecutive years afterward (in which I had no one else to confide in), and now a group of people in my high school who I thought I could once confidently call friends now almost blatantly ignoring me most of the time I'm around them. There's that, and also the matter of school itself. I used to get straight-As in all of my subjects except for math, and even though I'm now in a 'specialized program' which is meant to be more overbearing with its workload, I am now failing both math and science and having declining marks in a lot of my other subjects. My motivation for completing assignments and bothering with tests has taken a very intense decline as a result, and now it's gotten to the point where there are things I don't hand in and tests I hand in that are left completely blank.

My mind is in a frenzy right now. I'm so afraid about how I'm going to get by in life if these stupid numbers are meant to judge how well I can do, and there are times when I'm unable to keep myself contained and sob as discreetly as I can in the middle of my classes. I've recently gotten a social worker to converse with at school every now and then to help me cope with this, but I'm still in a very dark place right now and can't seem to find my way out no matter how hard I try to look on the bright side of things. I want so badly to be successful and to have a place in the world amongst others, but I just can't find it in me to do all the things required of me that I am unable to do and there is no one right now who I can fully trust to catch me when I'm falling. I understand that we don't have clairvoyance for a reason, but I really wish that I did. It would make my life so much easier to accept, and I wouldn't need to live in such crippling fear of my own future anymore.

More than angry at all the people who have betrayed me and made me so much more hateful of people than I used to be, I'm so incredibly scared. I'm so scared that I won't be able to make a living, won't be able to contribute to society and will literally be left to wither and die. I have aspirations. I have dreams, but they look so much farther away to reach now, and that scares me to death. Like, you know how you're a kid and you start crying the instant the lights go out because you think monsters are gonna come get you? Yeah. That's how scared I am. I'm scared that there will be nothing I can do, that I will be worthless and that death will eventually be the only option for me to take.

I just wish there were a place where I could cry and cry and cry, where no one could see or hear me. Where I can just get all my emotions out and not have to draw ultimately meaningless pity (I'm so sick of people who pretend they care instead of actually helping me get through my problems) or scrutinising looks from anyone. I've cried before, but I've bottled up so much in me for so long that I feel like I can explode at any moment. It's come in smaller bursts, but I have in fact blown up a couple of times because of how fed up I'd be with what life has put me through. As a Christian, I prayed frantically to God at times in the middle of the night a few times to make my suffering stop, whichever way that might have been. It never happened. I don't know how much more I could pray before my prayers were answered. I just can't endure this for so much longer, and I'm even starting to lose my faith in God.

I'm so lost in the world right now, and I'm extremely afraid that there will be nothing for me later on. I'm afraid that my future is just a blank slate. A dead-end. I don't know if I'll make it. I don't know if people will accept me. I swear, my grades don't look good, but I have talent... I have skills... I promise. I can make a contribution... I can be of worth...

I just want this all to end. I want to stop being fearful. But I don't know if I really have a reason to stop being afraid anymore.

 

[Kagayours]

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. Mental illness can certainly be a tricky beast, as well as a rather unforgiving one that never seems to care what your plans are.

That said, I'm glad you've started to seek help at your school. That's definitely the first thing that I would suggest. Also, you said you weren't sure whether or not you really have clinical depression? I would definitely try to check that out with a psychologist if you could. And if you are diagnosed -- what are your thoughts on medication? I know that anti-depressants aren't exactly a cure-all, but you just might find something that helps you out a bit if you're open to it.

As for having trouble finding friends -- don't be afraid to look online, and perhaps connect more closely with your roleplaying buddies. High school can sometimes be a rotten jungle of social Dawinism, so I understand if friends aren't exactly easy to find. Here on Iwaku, though? You might find that it's a bit easier, especially since you can more easily find people with common interests. Despite the stigma, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having online friends, or nothing that stops them from being "real" friends. And if you're looking for support to turn to, they can definitely be a good place to start.

Just don't give up. You are not worthless, and there are ways to get help. Just because you're going through a bad time in your life right now doesn't mean that there won't ever be a chance for you.

Oh, and it's a teensy bit easier to get into college than you might think. I know schools like to stress the importance of SAT scores and all, but a lot of those things really aren't as important as they seem -- or at least, they aren't exactly a must-have sort of thing (for example, a high SAT score is nice and all, but a poor one doesn't necessarily mean you're fucked -- there are lots of other things that are looked at on a college application, not all of which are purely based on numbers). Worst case scenario, if you can't get into a really good college, there are probably some lower-tier community colleges near you that will have much lower standards. I know there's a community college in my hometown that accepts literally all applicants -- so it made for a nice fallback in case other college plans went awry. I don't know if you have something like this near you, but it's worth looking into.

Anyway, I know that reassuring words don't exactly cure depression, but I figured it would be nice to have one less thing to worry about. Just try to focus on recovering in the present. Yes, you're going through a really rough patch. Yes, your grades are suffering. I understand that. But for now, just try to focus on the immediate future -- you don't have to imagine yourself 10 or 20 years from now, because so many things could change between now and then. And, speaking as a college student... yeah, pretty much everything that went on in high school becomes almost completely irrelevant once you get in. The grade you get for every single assignment isn't quite as important as your teachers might make you think.

Actually, what year are you? If you're only a freshman or sophomore, then you still have a ton of time to turn things around and make up for earlier losses.

 

[grey987]

That said, I'm glad you've started to seek help at your school.

Well, that's actually not really the case... Truth is, I was extremely reluctant to seek out any sort of health. After seeing a psychiatrist about my mental health following a suicide attempt, I was recommended some places where I could go to receive some therapy sessions for my depression and initially said I would try them out, but ended up firmly insisting that I don't go for the sake of not compromising my comfort zone. The only reason I now have a social worker to help me out is because it was apparently included in this education plan I have (I also have a very slight learning disability which compromises my cognitive skills by just a little bit), but... yeah, I think it'll work out in the end.

And if you are diagnosed -- what are your thoughts on medication? I know that anti-depressants aren't exactly a cure-all, but you just might find something that helps you out a bit if you're open to it.

I was actually prescribed with a particular medication about a month or two ago- OMEGA 3- in order to help balance my hormones or whatever, but I wasn't exactly the best at staying on top of it and I actually stopped taking it altogether recently after finding out that it was the cause of some stomach problems I had which forced me away from school for a few days, presumably because I'd been taking too big of a regular dosage. My mom wanted me to try taking less of it and see how that went, but so far I haven't done so. I'm not even really that big a fan of medication in the first place.

As for having trouble finding friends -- don't be afraid to look online, and perhaps connect more closely with your roleplaying buddies. High school can sometimes be a rotten jungle of social Dawinism, so I understand if friends aren't exactly easy to find. Here on Iwaku, though? You might find that it's a bit easier, especially since you can more easily find people with common interests. Despite the stigma, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having online friends, or nothing that stops them from being "real" friends. And if you're looking for support to turn to, they can definitely be a good place to start.

I suppose so, yeah... I guess I could try that. Though it really does suck when thinking about how they won't really be here with me to brighten things up despite them being perfectly real people that are just on the other side of the screen someplace. I love having people to talk in real-time with, and maybe even occasionally have so much fun that we end up doing stupid things. Unfortunately, I haven't even had a good enough social life that I can recall any moments with others that are truly memorable whether or not they were dumb things to be doing.

Just don't give up. You are not worthless, and there are ways to get help. Just because you're going through a bad time in your life right now doesn't mean that there won't ever be a chance for you.

I suppose not. I'll do my best to keep fighting; it's been a very hard battle for me, and there have been many moments where I nearly quit.

Oh, and it's a teensy bit easier to get into college than you might think.

Yes, but the thing is that I'm seemingly not headed down a college path... My mom wants me to get into a university. I know it should be "my life, my choices" and whatnot, but really, she's been governing a lot of my life by her instincts and had made sure I haven't headed down any particularly bad paths. If it weren't for her, I'm not even sure what kind of kid I'd be now. But yeah, I know college is also a possibility considering the career path I want to take, but it looks like I'm supposed to be headed towards a university entry... so I don't know what to do about that. Also, SAT scores are actually irrelevant to me since I don't live in the U.S.

Anyway, I know that reassuring words don't exactly cure depression, but I figured it would be nice to have one less thing to worry about.

Yeah. You have no idea how much just reassuring words can do for me at a low point. They do a lot more than anyone could ever hope to understand, and I thank you for delivering some to me.

Actually, what year are you? If you're only a freshman or sophomore, then you still have a ton of time to turn things around and make up for earlier losses.

I am actually a sophomore student. But... I just really don't know what I can do at all that'll improve my academic situation in the long-term. What I have to deal with now in terms of it is just so incredibly demoralizing, and I don't know if my work ethic can ever really be repaired for the rest of high school until I can maybe possibly by some chance get a secondary education and focus on doing things revolving on what I actually want to do (instead of godforsaken maths and sciences). I've taken a really big descent, and this rough patch of mine is quite rough. I'm not sure just how easy it can be to make a full recovery from it.

 

[Kagayours]

Well, that's actually not really the case... Truth is, I was extremely reluctant to seek out any sort of health. After seeing a psychiatrist about my mental health following a suicide attempt, I was recommended some places where I could go to receive some therapy sessions for my depression and initially said I would try them out, but ended up firmly insisting that I don't go for the sake of not compromising my comfort zone. The only reason I now have a social worker to help me out is because it was apparently included in this education plan I have (I also have a very slight learning disability which compromises my cognitive skills by just a little bit), but... yeah, I think it'll work out in the end.

If you've already attempted suicide, you should be seeing a psychiatrist, not seeking a replacement for one here online. I say this out of concern for you -- you need help, and you should be getting help.

I'm sorry about your "comfort zone", but getting the help you need is very important to your well-being. It isn't the sort of thing to avoid, especially in this dire a circumstance.

I was actually prescribed with a particular medication about a month or two ago- OMEGA 3- in order to help balance my hormones or whatever, but I wasn't exactly the best at staying on top of it and I actually stopped taking it altogether recently after finding out that it was the cause of some stomach problems I had which forced me away from school for a few days, presumably because I'd been taking too big of a regular dosage. My mom wanted me to try taking less of it and see how that went, but so far I haven't done so. I'm not even really that big a fan of medication in the first place.

:/ But omega 3 isn't even a drug, though -- it's basically a nutrition supplement. So, it's more like taking a vitamin than taking "medication" (although omega 3 technically isn't a vitamin, it's a fatty acid -- and despite how bad the name "fatty acid" might sound, it's actually a very important nutrient to have).

That said, it isn't just a thing that's used to treat a specific mental illness. Omega 3 is something everyone could use a good amount of -- it's good for brain health in general, not just for people who are diagnosed with anything specific. I'm pretty sure that teens in particular are more likely to have omega 3 deficiencies, so lots of teens are put on omega 3 supplements -- but it still isn't a "drug". You could theoretically get all the omega 3 that you need just by changing your diet -- but, if a doctor says you're not getting enough omega 3, it's a lot easier to prescribe some pills than it is to prescribe a specific diet. Point is, though, the omega 3 that would naturally be found in food is the same omega 3 that you can get in pill form. Pill form just makes a lot of things more practical. (But if you're really opposed to medication of this sort, then, well... I suggest you start eating more fish.)

That said, if the dose you're currently on is too much for you, then I would talk to your doctor about that -- but just not taking them at all, despite the doctor saying that you do need more omega 3, doesn't seem like a good idea at all. Your brain is an organ, and, in order to function at its best, it needs nutrients just like any other part of your body. Eating the right kinds of nutrients can help you in a lot of ways. And given the fact that omega 3 is specifically known as a nutrient that's good for your brain... yeah. If you're having troubles, I certainly wouldn't try to stop taking them altogether. You were prescribed them for a reason. If the side effects are causing you other troubles, you should talk to your doctor about that, and maybe work out a lower dose or something.

I suppose so, yeah... I guess I could try that. Though it really does suck when thinking about how they won't really be here with me to brighten things up despite them being perfectly real people that are just on the other side of the screen someplace. I love having people to talk in real-time with, and maybe even occasionally have so much fun that we end up doing stupid things. Unfortunately, I haven't even had a good enough social life that I can recall any moments with others that are truly memorable whether or not they were dumb things to be doing.

Perhaps trying to Skype with people will make them feel more like they're "really there"?

I suppose not. I'll do my best to keep fighting; it's been a very hard battle for me, and there have been many moments where I nearly quit.

Well, I'm proud of you for making it this far, and I'm trying to help you the best I can, but there's only so much I can (or should) do. Most of this should be worked out by professionals. The most I can do is tell you to seek out those professionals and get the help you really need.

I know mental illness can be awful, but, well... speaking from experience, finding the right help can work wonders and turn a lot of things around for the better.

Yes, but the thing is that I'm seemingly not headed down a college path... My mom wants me to get into a university. I know it should be "my life, my choices" and whatnot, but really, she's been governing a lot of my life by her instincts and had made sure I haven't headed down any particularly bad paths. If it weren't for her, I'm not even sure what kind of kid I'd be now. But yeah, I know college is also a possibility considering the career path I want to take, but it looks like I'm supposed to be headed towards a university entry... so I don't know what to do about that. Also, SAT scores are actually irrelevant to me since I don't live in the U.S.

:I I don't know what the difference is between "college" and "university"... I think that "university" is just what they call "college" outside the US? I didn't know that "college" meant something else over there. I'm pretty sure that you can replace "college" with "university" in that part of my post and it'll still ring true, but... yeah, I suppose I don't really have much advice to offer in this field since I don't know what it's like in your country. :/

(And as for the SAT, I was using that as an example to refer to any big, standardized test that schools like to hype up like hell -- assuming your country has anything similar in place.)

Yeah. You have no idea how much just reassuring words can do for me at a low point. They do a lot more than anyone could ever hope to understand, and I thank you for delivering some to me.

I'm glad I could help -- but I still urge you to seek help besides just me.

I am actually a sophomore student. But... I just really don't know what I can do at all that'll improve my academic situation in the long-term. What I have to deal with now in terms of it is just so incredibly demoralizing, and I don't know if my work ethic can ever really be repaired for the rest of high school until I can maybe possibly by some chance get a secondary education and focus on doing things revolving on what I actually want to do (instead of godforsaken maths and sciences). I've taken a really big descent, and this rough patch of mine is quite rough. I'm not sure just how easy it can be to make a full recovery from it.

Focus on one issue at a time. That's generally my approach to any stressful situation. You have crippling depression? Find a psychologist and figure that out. Failing your classes? Find a tutor. Don't know what direction to take your life in? Talk to a career counselor. But don't think you have to do these things all at once -- just divide up everything that needs to be fixed and take them all on at whatever pace is manageable to you.

Besides, we're talking about a mental illness issue, here. Mental illness affects your brain which essentially means it impacts your entire being -- which includes your thinking, your emotions, your motivation, and your work ethic. Given that, it's no surprise that mental illness, when left untreated, can impact a whole bunch of other areas of your life and make it seem like a daunting issue that has no hope of being fixed. But there is hope -- and, once your mental condition improves, a lot of other things will fall into place.

I'm speaking from experience, here -- I hit a pretty low point around my junior year of high school, but I managed to get help and my life improved a lot. In fact, looking back on it, I can say without a doubt that, for the latter half of my junior year and throughout my senior year, I was happier, more motivated, and more productive than at just about any other time in my life. I can't guarantee you'll be as lucky as me, but, my point remains -- hope is out there. You just have to get help for what's presumably the one big thing that's giving you trouble in all these other areas.

And in order to get that help? Talk to a professional. I cannot stress that enough. I can offer encouragement and friendly advice, but I'm no psychiatrist. Nor should I be. And you shouldn't be taking my advice over that of licensed professionals. If a doctor tells you to do something, go do that thing. If that thing is making other things worse for you? Tell your doctor about it. Seriously, I don't think people realize how much can get done when you actually speak up about what's wrong. The medication that I currently take works a thousand times better for me than it would have if I had followed every single direction that I was initially given without voicing my concerns first. The important thing, however, is that you should voice these concerns to your doctor so that you can come up with something that works together. Finding the right treatment/medication can be hard, but it's also incredibly worthwhile. Ignoring the doctor's advice outright and just doing your own thing, though? That's not a good way to do it. You're in an incredibly rough patch, I understand that, but that's why you need help. And you should certainly be allowing the professionals to do that instead of just me.

Sorry to suddenly switch into "tough love" mode, but I only stress this because I'm concerned about you. If you are suicidal, I am not the help that you need. At least, not entirely, anyway. I'm still here to talk if you want it, but, at the end of the day, I'm still going to refer you to a professional before I manage to step into territory that I'm not authorized to speak about -- because you should be seeing a professional to begin with.

 

[grey987]

(@Kaga-kun)

Yes, I know how important it is to see a professional on the matter. However, I already kind of am seeing someone meant to help me get somewhat better and I wasn't intending on seeking for a replacement online. I guess I just needed some comfort from someone else here, since I don't quite have anyone else to get that from at the moment.

And I'm not sure what to do about those "vitamins". I understand that I've been asked to start taking these on the pretense of balancing out things, but I'm also generally not onboard the idea of taking these in particular or going on any sort of diet meant to supplement these things. I just don't. I don't want to feel like I'm on life support; things are bad enough for me as it is that I don't want to start feeling like I'm not even a human, as though I'm just some empty husk following all kinds of directives just to function. I need directions for too many things as it is right now.

Perhaps trying to Skype with people will make them feel more like they're "really there"?

Maybe. I don't know. But they're still on the other side of the screen. Nothing's going to change that.

I don't know what the difference is between "college" and "university"... I think that "university" is just what they call "college" outside the US?

Not quite; I won't bother explaining it in detaill, but it's a form of secondary education which is somewhat like college. I'm not in fact in the U.S., so things do work differently on that front.

Anyway. Thanks for trying to help, but I guess not everything will work perfectly in the end.

 

[Kagayours]

Yes, I know how important it is to see a professional on the matter. However, I already kind of am seeing someone meant to help me get somewhat better and I wasn't intending on seeking for a replacement online. I guess I just needed some comfort from someone else here, since I don't quite have anyone else to get that from at the moment.

I know it's difficult, but you need to find some way to help yourself get there. That's all I'm trying to say.

And I'm not sure what to do about those "vitamins". I understand that I've been asked to start taking these on the pretense of balancing out things, but I'm also generally not onboard the idea of taking these in particular or going on any sort of diet meant to supplement these things. I just don't. I don't want to feel like I'm on life support; things are bad enough for me as it is that I don't want to start feeling like I'm not even a human, as though I'm just some empty husk following all kinds of directives just to function. I need directions for too many things as it is right now.

>_> But... it's not "life support". Your current diet doesn't give you enough omega 3, so you're taking a supplement to give you what you're missing. That's all that this is. And since omega 3 is supposed to keep your brain healthy, then, ideally, you won't feel like an "empty husk" once you start getting more of it. Of course, depression is a more complicated problem than simply this, but it's supposed to help you feel better and, well... feel like more of a person.

If you want to get better, then ignoring the doctor's orders is not a good way to get there. I'm sorry, it just isn't.

Additionally, I fail to see how just taking some pills regularly is a huge detriment to your life. If there are side effects then that's one thing -- but, like I said, you can talk to your doctor about that. If you feel like a smaller dose would be better for you, then tell your doctor about it. But, again, simply not taking the omega 3's isn't going to help you any...

...Especially since you probably won't be on them permanently. I was on vitamin D supplements for a while, for example, and I was told that I could stop taking them once I got a blood test that showed I had enough vitamin D. It's that simple.

I'm sympathetic of your plight. I really am. And I do want to help. But ignoring the doctor's orders and not giving yourself more of a brain-benefitting nutrient that you're apparently deficient of is not going to help you at all. If anything, taking those pills is precisely what you need to at least start to feel better.

Anyway. Thanks for trying to help, but I guess not everything will work perfectly in the end.

:/ I don't see why that's the case.

My entire point was that things can get much better for you if you simply listen to what the professionals are trying to tell you. Like I said, my life got a shitton better and my mental illness was much more under control, but only after I sought help for it.

It is literally a psychiatrist's job to help you deal with your mental illness and get your life back on track. It is literally a doctor's job to make sure your body is working the way it should (and that includes giving your brain the nutrients it needs). I don't know why you don't want to take their advice. If you want to get better, this is the best way to start to do so.

Again, I'm proud of you for making it this far, and there is hope -- but that hope is help, and the only way you can get better is if you get yourself to the help that you need. Denying yourself help that you need, and denying yourself the nutrients that you need, is not going to help you at all.

 

[grey987]

(@Kaga-kun)
I'll try and keep all of that in mind. I'll try.

 

[Hope]

@Kaga-kun said a lot of what I would say so I am going to reiterate some of it.

Omega-3 like Kaga-kun said IS a vitamin. It is not 'like' a vitamin. It is a fatty acid that comes from fish and other supplements. IIke he said, it is good for everyone. They highly recommend you eat lots of fish or take an Omega-3 supplement before tests when you're in school.

Now, this is touching on a subject close to me which is nutrition. I am studying to become an Ayurvedic Practitioner. The difference between us and Western medicine is that we believe that every disease starts in the digestive system and therefore begins with either your nutrition and/or lifestyle. So it is not going on life support when you change your diet. It is making yourself a healthier being. It is giving yourself a better quality of life. If you want your circumstance to change you must change what you are doing. Nothing is just going to magically happen to you to change your situation. It takes work.

As for your school, I am sorry about your situation. That sucks. Are you going to a tutor? If not you should be. Ad school clearly means a lot to you and how you value yourself you should be doing everything in your power to remedy the situation you are in.

On the other end of the spectrum I urge you to look at the bigger picture in life. I know all parents and situations are different. Some parents put more pressure on their kids than others. Howver, as you said previously, this is YOUR life. I live in the US so I can't say that it is the same where you are, but you can still be successful without straight As and going to university. How? Well success is a relative term. It means something different to each individual. One may see it as making big money and making an extremely comfortable living. Others may see it as raising a beautiful family and living a long and healthy life. Maybe you need to rethink your perception what success really is.

Life is short in the grand scheme of things. Do you want to be miserable worrying about things out of your control for a life that may not make you happy? Or do you want to live in the moment, trying your best every single day with no excuses or regrets, and set your priorities on a quality of life rather than success in the workplace?

I'm not saying success in the work place is bad. I'm just saying to really dig deep and try to think about why you were put here on this earth. Why God created you. Do you think he did it for you to make lots of money and be successful in society's view?

I graduated with a 3.0 GPA. Less than satisfactory. I never finished Junior college. I have no degree. Yet starting from the bottom of a company I worked my ass off. I was promoted within 60 days. Within 2 years I was offered my dream job in the corporate headquarters at 23 years old. They flew me over the country training new employees and opening new stores. When they offered me my dream job I turned it down. I turned it down to keep my family intact and raise my beautiful daughter where she would know her family. It broke my heart but I asked myself if I want to make my life decisions based on work or based on family and life.

I told you that so you would know that I too had to look deep and make a hard decision after I decided what the meaning of life, for me, is. Again, there is nothing wrong with success. Ambition is a beautiful thing. But when it tears you down and makes you worry to the extent of considering ending your life you need to rethink how important it is.

As for your friend situation. Kaga-kun gave you some great advice. He is telling you there are friends to be had here who will listen to you and get to know you. You have two who just spent a lot of their time listening to you and thinki bf about you and giving you their honest heart felt opinions to help you. So when you say you really just want friends you can see in person that kinda sucks. I can understand you want to do things with people and go out with them. Maybe making some friends here will pull you out of your slump and give you confidence to go out and meet new people. Afterall, we as humans are naturally attracted to happy people. We can't help but be drawn in to them. He even mentioned Skype. I would highly suggest taking his advice and start making friends here. One of my very best friends I met on here. And it's a true friendship. We have more fun than most of my other friends that live near.

I hope your situation gets better and you can find happiness in the simplicity especially of life and worry less about things that don't matter as much in the grand scheme of things. Truly I do.

 

[Kagayours]

Omega-3 like Kaga-kun said IS a vitamin. It is not 'like' a vitamin. It is a fatty acid that comes from fish and other supplements. IIke he said, it is good for everyone. They highly recommend you eat lots of fish or take an Omega-3 supplement before tests when you're in school.

Oh? I didn't realize fatty acids count as vitamins. I thought that vitamins sort of needed to have "vitamin" in the name. o~o My bad.

Regardless! The point remains that it's a nutrient, not a drug -- which was all I was trying to get at (and you certainly seem to know more than me about nutrition, so I'll take your word for it on the specifics).

 

[Hope]

Oh? I didn't realize fatty acids count as vitamins. I thought that vitamins sort of needed to have "vitamin" in the name. o~o My bad.

Regardless! The point remains that it's a nutrient, not a drug -- which was all I was trying to get at (and you certainly seem to know more than me about nutrition, so I'll take your word for it on the specifics).

No no I wasn't trying to correct you. I was agreeing with you that it basically is not a drug. Whether it's a vitamin or fatty acid makes no difference. It's still natural. ^^

 

[grey987]

(@Hope)
Yes, I know now. Not a drug. I understand.

Are you going to a tutor? If not you should be. Ad school clearly means a lot to you and how you value yourself you should be doing everything in your power to remedy the situation you are in.

I am. Have been tutored in math for years. Still failing. Science, well... I'd rather not be tackling so much at one time, and money is not something I can use to my advantage. This is why I'm so troubled. It's overbearing for me to try and do what I might be able to in order to at least just barely get by, and even then, I've produced close to no positive results. Just today I handed in a unit test for science that I left completely blank; it's gotten to the point where I have test anxiety that completely shuts down my brain and makes me unable to fill in anything at all for any tests math or science related. It's so embarrassing and humiliating knowing that everyone else is doing at least a decent job if not an exceptional one in the case of a few students, and that just adds on to the enormous weight that I have to carry.

I'm not saying success in the work place is bad. I'm just saying to really dig deep and try to think about why you were put here on this earth. Why God created you. Do you think he did it for you to make lots of money and be successful in society's view?

Well, no. But I do quite like the thought of being able to have a roof over my head and food to eat. To literally just stay alive. I don't have any thoughts that suggest I will be able to when I grow up at the moment.

Ambition is a beautiful thing. But when it tears you down and makes you worry to the extent of considering ending your life you need to rethink how important it is.

I know that. Which is why I hate how the education system promotes the need to get good marks in every single one of your grades to achieve the ambitions you're seeking. It just doesn't work like that... It can't work like that. It makes me so angry that that's how it's set up.

He even mentioned Skype. I would highly suggest taking his advice and start making friends here. One of my very best friends I met on here. And it's a true friendship. We have more fun than most of my other friends that live near.

I'll take this advice to heart as best as I can. From what I know in the time that I've been here, many of you are very good people who I've had a great pleasure of at least mingling with.

I hope your situation gets better and you can find happiness in the simplicity especially of life and worry less about things that don't matter as much in the grand scheme of things. Truly I do.

Thank you so much. Like I said to Kaga, even just these simple words mean a lot to me when I'm in a situation as bad as it is right now.

 

[Kagayours]

I am. Have been tutored in math for years. Still failing. Science, well... I'd rather not be tackling so much at one time, and money is not something I can use to my advantage. This is why I'm so troubled. It's overbearing for me to try and do what I might be able to in order to at least just barely get by, and even then, I've produced close to no positive results. Just today I handed in a unit test for science that I left completely blank; it's gotten to the point where I have test anxiety that completely shuts down my brain and makes me unable to fill in anything at all for any tests math or science related. It's so embarrassing and humiliating knowing that everyone else is doing at least a decent job if not an exceptional one in the case of a few students, and that just adds on to the enormous weight that I have to carry.

Would it be possible for you to take tests in an alternate environment? And if so, will that help?

I know my school had some sort of program that allowed kids to take tests in an alternate room and/or have extra time to take tests if they needed it, particularly in cases of mental illness. I think this is worth looking into if you think your school might have something similar.

At any rate, try not to stress about what other people are capable of. I know it's a hard mindset to shake yourself out of, thinking that you're hopeless at things that come so easily to others -- but, at the end of the day, comparing yourself to others in this way just won't get you anywhere. You have your own struggles and your own weaknesses, and those kids that seem to do exceptionally well may very well be struggling in other areas of their life -- with their struggles being just as foreign to you as yours are to them. At any rate, what I'm trying to say is, the best thing you can do for yourself is to just focus on your own needs. Yes, you're struggling, and that's why you have to take steps to get help. But that doesn't mean that the success of others needs to become part of the load that you bear.

 

[grey987]

(@Kaga-kun)
Crap, I completely forgot to reply to this. My bad.

Would it be possible for you to take tests in an alternate environment? And if so, will that help?

It's an option that I (should) have a available to me. But that wouldn't help much in the case of math and science (the two subjects that I'm failing). The issue is more so that I do not have a good enough grasp on the material in order to understand anything and therefore be able to do anything with it.

Yeah, I'll try my best to do that. Like you said, it's incredibly hard to shake that off when there are people all around you- especially the group of people who you're conflicted about whether they're your real friends or not- all directly or indirectly flaunting their successes in one way or the other, while I'm forced to keep to myself and become angered at my own helpless failure. Yet still... I'll try not to do too much comparing.

 

[Kagayours]

It's an option that I (should) have a available to me. But that wouldn't help much in the case of math and science (the two subjects that I'm failing). The issue is more so that I do not have a good enough grasp on the material in order to understand anything and therefore be able to do anything with it.

Yeah, and that's definitely something you should seek a tutor for -- but you also said something about how all the people around you completing the test just fine was making you anxious, hence why I thought that you might do better in another room where you can't see the other test-takers.

 

[grey987]

Yeah, and that's definitely something you should seek a tutor for

Something which I already have, at least for math. I have two, actually; one adult and one university student tutor. So far, no actual progress has been made on the school front despite their best efforts to coach me.

but you also said something about how all the people around you completing the test just fine was making you anxious, hence why I thought that you might do better in another room where you can't see the other test-takers.

Well, that wasn't really what I said, even though now that I think about it that is in fact something which doesn't help; it's the fact that, when all is said and done, I have to deal with everyone around me talking about what they think the got and what they said for this specific question or that specific question, demoralizing me by a significant amount and more often than not leading me into an increasingly negative mood.

... I'm sorry for giving you so many objections to certain things you're saying. It's just... I do bear a lot on my shoulders. And I do have to deal with so many things which make my life an absolute hell on Earth. There's very few positives I have left to go by.

 

[Kagayours]

... I'm sorry for giving you so many objections to certain things you're saying. It's just... I do bear a lot on my shoulders. And I do have to deal with so many things which make my life an absolute hell on Earth. There's very few positives I have left to go by.

I understand. I'm just trying to offer suggestions for your problems, one at a time. And the best thing to do to fix all this -- and to restore some of the positives in your life -- is to just do the small things that you can in order to remedy these various problems.

I know mental illness sucks balls, but you have to do what you can to put yourself on a path to recovery. :/ Good luck.

 

[grey987]

I understand. I'm just trying to offer suggestions for your problems, one at a time. And the best thing to do to fix all this -- and to restore some of the positives in your life -- is to just do the small things that you can in order to remedy these various problems.

I know mental illness sucks balls, but you have to do what you can to put yourself on a path to recovery. :/ Good luck.

Thank you. I'll do what I can.

 

[Robeatics]

As a Christian, I prayed frantically to God at times in the middle of the night a few times to make my suffering stop, whichever way that might have been. It never happened. I don't know how much more I could pray before my prayers were answered. I just can't endure this for so much longer, and I'm even starting to lose my faith in God.

I know it's hard to maintain your faith when you're going through so much, but just remember the suffering of Job, or Abraham, or even Jesus. All of them experienced a lot of pain that seemed meaningless, but became stronger in faith and in life because of it, and that was God's intention. It's hard to see anything positive coming from this, but strife tempers the soul and makes life all the better when you get through it. I'm super proud of you for working so hard on this, please PM me if you want to talk.

 

[grey987]

I know it's hard to maintain your faith when you're going through so much, but just remember the suffering of Job, or Abraham, or even Jesus. All of them experienced a lot of pain that seemed meaningless, but became stronger in faith and in life because of it, and that was God's intention. It's hard to see anything positive coming from this, but strife tempers the soul and makes life all the better when you get through it. I'm super proud of you for working so hard on this, please PM me if you want to talk.

I'll keep you in mind for those really tough times. Right now, I'm doing a bit better and am putting my faith in God once more, but I still thank you very much for your support. It's greatly appreciated.