Never thought I'd have to do this. But, unfortunately it looks like it's come to that. For once, I'm going to open myself up on a much more personal level and explain what is bogging my mind down so much to the point where my chest hurts and... well, though I understand from the site rules that this shouldn't be the place to mention this, I sometimes feel like my 'story' needs to be brought to a close. Right now, I'm dealing with some seriously god-awful depression which may or may not be clinical (I can't seem to remember), having dealt with some pretty hard-hitting experiences earlier on in my life and am now getting multiple fits of this condition which just make it so hard for me to focus on anything or do anything. I've always been a social kind of person who's looked for friends who I can converse nonchalantly with as well as seriously without there being any tension involved; instead of getting that, I've had a 'best friend' who parted ways with me without so much as a word after 8 years of being together since Junior Kindergarten, the group of people in my middle school whom he flocked to ridiculing and casting me out for three consecutive years afterward (in which I had no one else to confide in), and now a group of people in my high school who I thought I could once confidently call friends now almost blatantly ignoring me most of the time I'm around them. There's that, and also the matter of school itself. I used to get straight-As in all of my subjects except for math, and even though I'm now in a 'specialized program' which is meant to be more overbearing with its workload, I am now failing both math and science and having declining marks in a lot of my other subjects. My motivation for completing assignments and bothering with tests has taken a very intense decline as a result, and now it's gotten to the point where there are things I don't hand in and tests I hand in that are left completely blank. My mind is in a frenzy right now. I'm so afraid about how I'm going to get by in life if these stupid numbers are meant to judge how well I can do, and there are times when I'm unable to keep myself contained and sob as discreetly as I can in the middle of my classes. I've recently gotten a social worker to converse with at school every now and then to help me cope with this, but I'm still in a very dark place right now and can't seem to find my way out no matter how hard I try to look on the bright side of things. I want so badly to be successful and to have a place in the world amongst others, but I just can't find it in me to do all the things required of me that I am unable to do and there is no one right now who I can fully trust to catch me when I'm falling. I understand that we don't have clairvoyance for a reason, but I really wish that I did. It would make my life so much easier to accept, and I wouldn't need to live in such crippling fear of my own future anymore. More than angry at all the people who have betrayed me and made me so much more hateful of people than I used to be, I'm so incredibly scared. I'm so scared that I won't be able to make a living, won't be able to contribute to society and will literally be left to wither and die. I have aspirations. I have dreams, but they look so much farther away to reach now, and that scares me to death. Like, you know how you're a kid and you start crying the instant the lights go out because you think monsters are gonna come get you? Yeah. That's how scared I am. I'm scared that there will be nothing I can do, that I will be worthless and that death will eventually be the only option for me to take. I just wish there were a place where I could cry and cry and cry, where no one could see or hear me. Where I can just get all my emotions out and not have to draw ultimately meaningless pity (I'm so sick of people who pretend they care instead of actually helping me get through my problems) or scrutinising looks from anyone. I've cried before, but I've bottled up so much in me for so long that I feel like I can explode at any moment. It's come in smaller bursts, but I have in fact blown up a couple of times because of how fed up I'd be with what life has put me through. As a Christian, I prayed frantically to God at times in the middle of the night a few times to make my suffering stop, whichever way that might have been. It never happened. I don't know how much more I could pray before my prayers were answered. I just can't endure this for so much longer, and I'm even starting to lose my faith in God. I'm so lost in the world right now, and I'm extremely afraid that there will be nothing for me later on. I'm afraid that my future is just a blank slate. A dead-end. I don't know if I'll make it. I don't know if people will accept me. I swear, my grades don't look good, but I have talent... I have skills... I promise. I can make a contribution... I can be of worth... I just want this all to end. I want to stop being fearful. But I don't know if I really have a reason to stop being afraid anymore.