Events Happen

X

Xindaris

Guest
Original poster
So there's this guy standing at the edge of a cliff. And the thing about this guy is that right now, he is really really angry. He is so angry that he has angerfire glowing all around him. His eyes are blood red even though they aren't usually and his black hair which he usually keeps pretty straight and boring-looking is all up in spikes because of the angerfire aura thing. And he's wearing leather armor and carrying this huge sword and he's just so angry like you don't even know. He needs to kill something now.

Fortunately there is an ogre within eyeshot--which is like earshot but with sight. This ogre is about ten yards tall, which if you don't know how big that is, is the width of a football endzone. But they don't have football in this world yet because they're still too busy fighting off giant monsters and whatnot. So anyway this guy just straight up jumps off the cliff, sword out, and dives at that ogre. It isn't a very long fall before he comes to the ogre's head, and tries to stab that, but his agility score just isn't high enough to pull off the precise stunt he wanted to so instead he ends up stabbing his sword into the ogre's chest, and the momentum of his fall keeps him going another five or six yards or so before he's just sort of stuck with his sword like a thumb-tack in the ogre's belly.

And he's still angry but under all that anger he's thinking Man I'm glad I didn't go down far enough to start cutting this ogre's shorts because SERIOUSLY. And then he uses leverage to catapult himself and his sword off the ogre and backflip onto the side of the nearby cliff before the ogre can swat at him or anything and skids down the remaining yard or two so he's standing on the ground. And he's like, "HEY OGRE! YOU WANT SOME? COME GET SOME!" And the ogre looks totally ready to come and get some. Probably snatch him up and eat him or something. It sure would be terrible and the opposite of awesome if he got swallowed with all his angerfire still burning and all so maybe someone else comes along to attack the ogre next.

((This is seriously not serious. I'm serious.))
 
Mifune, seeing the extremely supersaiyan guy drop off the cliff and skewer this ogre like a FUCKING BOSS jump off said ogre, ready to take another swing. The sword must have been extremely heavy and the ogre was sure to get his gobble on if he didn't do something quick. And with that, Mifune drew his katana and sprinted forward. He jumped, slashing at the ogre's back, slicing the monster clean in half, landing out the other side. He stood before the Angry Guy and put his sword back in it's sheath. "The name's Mifune. Mifune Nobunaga." he said. "Why are you so angry?" he asked him, being seriously bummed out by the Angry Guy's negative vibe, like totally. He needed a damn chillaxation holiday. And soon.

((Good to be RPing with you again, Xin!))
 
"I'm really miffed, Mifune," says the guy, putting his own sword back into a sheath hung diagonal-ways across his back, "And you know what, I'm usually not. I'm usually a pretty f---ing reasonable guy. Going about my business, living in town, chopping down trees to make wood for fire and build houses for people. But today I have a perfectly good reason to flipping my s--- off the handle. Like an acrobatic pirouette off it. A never-ending one that just keeps spinning around like an infinite top."

And since he's started down exposition lane already he just keeps his truck rolling on along the train tracks. Those metaphors are mixed as a but I think you know what I mean. "Because you know what. My wife died two years ago. And that sucked and everybody in town was sad about it because she was a pretty all-around nice person. And I'll probably never find another woman like that as long as I live. One that I love, that is. But I got over that. And I was living with my daughter trying to raise her the best I can. And now she's a teenager and all the village boys are looking at her saying she's kinda cute and all. I'm really proud of her and s---. And then, yesterday, some god showed up, or some guy with ridiculous powers claiming to be a god. I don't know what he's the god of because I've never heard of him, maybe he's the god of lameness and also kidnapping. Because that's what he did.

"HE KIDNAPPED MY DAUGHTER AND I WANT TO TEAR HIS LUNGS OUT AND FORCE-FEED THEM BACK TO HIM! ARRRRFFFRRRRRGHLLPRRARFLVCKXVMWWLLFXXKCKCCC!!!!" And what he just said was not some fancy alien or mystical curse word. It was him getting so enraged that he started foaming at the mouth and shouting incoherently, while simultaneously shaking his fist at nothing in particular. He seems to have completely forgotten to introduce himself properly through all the rage.

((Likewise.))
 
"Damn! That sucks!" said Mifune, now knowing why this guy was so pissed off. "You mean this lame-ass Demi-god dude went and stole your presumably sexually attractive teenage daughter? What an asshat!" he said, getting some empathy anger. It's like sympathy pains, but with anger instead! "Let's go and kick this guy's ass!" said Mifune. "But first we need to find out who this guy is and where he is. And to do that..." he paused for a moment. "We need a Wizard!" he said. "Do you know where we can find one of those grey bearded, mystical robed, sweet spell slinging' motherf***ers?" he asked the Angry Guy.
 
In an instant, a cloud of smoke appeared in front of the two manly men. When it faded from their sight, standing before them was an oh-so sexy mistress, her robes long and cut into pieces, barely covering her pale skin. She let out a soft, evil laugh. "I heard my name being called." Her high pitched, almost annoying voice sang. She took a look at the bloodied boys, they were somewhat attractive and pretty strong, and a smile drew across her pink lips. Her shrill voice broke out before any questions could be asked. "Oh, how nice! My name is Wizard, well that's what everyone calls me. How pleasurable it is to meet you two!" She reached out and a crazy blue beam of light shot from her wrists. The beam, shaped as a huge ass hand, grabbed the two boys and shook them violently, then set them down. "Oh, I'm sorry, did I dizzy the two of you, here, I'll help!" She took the two of them and pulled them into a tight hug, pressing those huge, exposed breasts against them.
 
"Dear sweet lizard Baby Jesus, that's my kind of woman!" said Mifune as the tight, boobalicious embrace was released. "This here really angry man has had his apparently sexually attractive daughter stolen by a complete turd-burgling asshat who calls himself a god, and If we do not rescue her soon, she may quite possibly be raped. Probably in a dungeon somewhere. With tentacles." he said with a serious tone. "And we need your help to beat him. What do you say, mighty, magical and massively endowed matron of the mammaries?", asked Mifune, aliterating like a boss.
 
The angry guy seems more along for the ride than really enjoying anything. Maybe he's just one of those super faithful woodcutters, even after two years of dead wife. In any case, he tones down his angry aura for the moment because honestly that's a hard thing to keep up all the time. Like you have to keep your brain laser-focused on whatever's making you mad to keep that up, and you don't really need an angerfire for conversations anyway. He watches his very new companion talk and adds, "...I don't think I mentioned any tentacles. But the real problem here is I don't know where that guy even went. Like if the god of lameness and also kidnapping has a home somewhere or something."
 
Thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump CRUNCH.

"HERE!!"

Running towards them was an 8 foort tall creature with orcish features made taller by the purple mohawk running from his forehead all the way down his neck and contrasted against his fray skin. He was wearing heavy studded boots and tight black leather pants, chainmail belt ad heavy black leather jacket over a bloodred shirt though what was visible on gis gray skin was covered in white scars.

"Aww. Dis iz late.." he said seeing there was a mage in the party. "But iz fine. Mage look squishy. When Mage flat Dis will be Mage." his tone wasn't condescending and it sounded like he was thinking aloud.

"Discord. Playa of rocks and.. wots da word.. Bard!" He held out a meaty hand for whoever would take it his grin exposing his tusk-like lower teeth.
 
"I had just assumed tentacles. Self proclaimed gods often have a 'thing' about tentacles. Makes them seem a little bit more menacing. Anyway, we need to-" he was cut short by the epicly proportioned beef-stick of an orc pounding towards them mumbling something about a Mage. He said that he was a Bard and he looked like he could handle himself in a right. "Friend of yours?" he asked the epicly endowed Wizard.
 
She looked towards the orc with his massive hand held out. Her shrill voice broke out. "Why, I haven't seen a fellow like you in centuries!" She exclaimed, taking his hand and shaking it violently. She let go and looked at the crazy purple mohawk standing proudly on his head. "Wait a second! No! Wizard is no mage! Wizard is an all-powerful wizard! Wizard is not a limited-spelled, low-casting, good-for-sweepin'-floors mage!Wizard is a wizard!" She stuck her tongue out at the orc and turned her head of long, vibrant blue hair away from him.
At this point, she remembered the question to join them from earlier. She put an arm around the man who asked, rubbing those amazing breasts on his side, and answered in an enthusiastic voice. "Sure thing, sugar pie! By the way, I'm going to need some names to go along with your faces."
 
Mifune replied in his very manly voice, trying not to get too excited that he was getting a good look at some major side-boob. "My name is Mifune Nobunaga, samurai. Undefeated in my homeland. The beef-stick seems to call himself Dischord and well, I don't really know the name of the Angry Guy." he said rubbing the back of his head in slight embarrassment. "I wouldn't actually be surprised if his name was Guy and he sometimes just gets really damn Angry. What is your name anyway?" he said turning to the now Rather Irate Guy.
 
In this world, where the unreasonable can be still reasonable, the credible can be still incredible, the impossible can be possible, there exists a girl, who at ten years old, has proclaimed herself to be the Guardian of Logic. Now, there would be nothing wrong with that, if the existence of this girl would be indeed logical, however, she constantly had swords following her around. Really sharp, deadly, sentient swords that could fight a professional swordsman to a standstill, and there was a dozen of them. She considered them her best friends, and she decided to name them. However, even if she was the Guardian of Logic, her creativity was lacking, so she named them One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven and Twelve.

Now, because she was the Guardian of Logic, people went to her for her advice regularly, and she gave them plenty of advice. She advised a bald man to soak his hair in water, she advised the farmers to plant their seeds in rock, and helped her community a great deal in general. However, with status came fame, and soon, the Guardian of Logic had so many people asking her for her help that she became tired of it, and set out on a journey to find the Fountain of Logic, a mystical artefact believed to be able to grant the power of Logic to any individual, and thus set her free from her position.

But after just two days of travelling, her stomach would not leave her alone with its growling, even when she told it that it was full. She was beginning to get really hungry, so she was overjoyed when she saw the Really Angry Guy, Mifune, Dischord and Wizard. She happily skipped across the fields, the swords dancing in the air.

"Hello," she shouted in her angelic voice. "I am Vangelia, the Guardian of Logic, and these are," she said, then started pointing at the swords. "One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven and Twelve. Nice to meet you!" bowed the guardian of logic, then got right on topic. "I am really hungry, do you have any food?" she asked, her eyes filled with overwhelming happiness, a look that could have prevented the most evil wizard in the world from blowing up the nearest city.
 
Wizard smiled at the attention Mifune seemed to pay to her boobs, and she didn't mind, either. In fact, she began to find it fun teasing him. So once he finished his words, she hugged him once again, making sure to give him a nice view of everything but her ta-tas. "Mifune!" She exclaimed in her insanely high-pitched squeal. "Oh, and a samurai." She took a look at the sheath on his back, admiring it for a while, making sure her breasts stayed in contact with his body. "I'd love to see that sword of yours sometime." She gave him a wink if he'd catch onto her play on words.

Suddenly, she whipped her head around to see Vangelia along with twelve swords. Seeing she was quite young, Wizard felt a need to help her. "I have food!" She said, smiling. "All you have to do is say please." She paused before letting out a shrill cackle. "I'm kidding with you, kid!" She waved her hand around and a crazy blue light surrounded her hand. The light turned into a piece of lamb chop, dangling raw and bloody. She set it to fire for a couple seconds, then put it out and reached out to the young girl. "The victims always say I have such lovely cooking, so don't feel intimidated."
 
The woodcutter begins to speak, "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot; my name is--"
--"Hello..." and then he was interrupted. And waited patiently for the child to talk, like a polite person who has also been a decent parent for several years. And then he waits on the witch--err, Wizard--to talk too, because why not.

But after that instead of continuing the introduction he obviously had some questions. "Wait, so you guard logic? Like, people attack logic and your magical swords cut them into ribbons? Do they fly off in search of violators, or just kind of guard logic wherever they are?" What he hasn't gotten around to telling people quite yet is that he met his erstwhile wife while adventuring, and he was the designated snark back then. (That's an actual role, it's like the designated driver. The snark's job is to keep everyone from doing insanely stupid things without at least outlining their reasons first.) Old habits die very, very hard. Like, they are typically twice as difficult to slay as Bruce Willis.

But the guy's focus is determined. And he remembers why he just tried to pick a fight with a ten-yard ogre. "Actually, does your logic tell you where things are? Like maybe a so-called god who kidnaps people's daughters using his lame annoying powers?"
 
He'd already said his name, maybe the squishy one wasn't very smart, or only heard what she wanted to hear, or all her blood was in those wobbly things on her chest. He'd remove them for her if she asked but had learned from experience it was better not to offer. Still there was a newcomer and she was the Godyun ov lo-g'k... an'.. wun... too... he looked down at his hand tapping the ring finger of his left hand with the index finger of his right. Wait Wiz was doing something and making food appear. His large belly rumbled but then Wiz had to ruin the meat with fire.

"Yes, a kwest." Something to do that maybe involved food at the end. And let him play and smash things, exactly what he was looking for.
 
"I'm sure I can arrange you a demonstration. But be warned, I am deadly with my blade..." he said suavely, winking at Wizard, pretty much hypnotized by the soft, mountainous meat-pillows that resided on her chest. "I'm also pretty skilled with katana." he added cheekily, giving a chuckle, not really noticing the newer female addition to the somewhat conspicuous gathering. This changed, however, when Wizard actually spoke to the woman who seemed to appear out of nowhere - at least to Mifune- and conjoured up a tasty leg of meat full of sweet juicy meat-based goodness. He wasn't too hungry himself, however. He had just eaten before meeting the Angry Guy, as breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Even when that day seems to begin with an ogre-slaying and meeting an extremely irate man and a large breasted sorceress by the name of Wizard.
 
Eyeing the piece of meat with hungry eyes, Vangelia, the Guardian of Logic's smile blossomed into a full-grown, cheerful grin that made the air sparkle around her, with her dozen swords going crazy. She happily took the piece of cooked meat, then finding that it was too big for her to eat, she beckoned one of her swords over to the food, which then chopped it up happily. After examining the chunks of flesh, Vangelia just shrugged and swallowed each and every one of them in one gulp, without chewing on them, and then let out a loud burp that would put an orc to a shame. She then took out a napkin from her pocket, and carefully wiped the area around her mouth.

"I guard Logic against those who dare to use Illogic!" exclaimed Vangelia, nearly jumping now that she had her stomach full with food. "Like, I guard it against people who want to put out a fire using water! Do they not know that fire is best fought with fire? Those Illogical fools!" giggled Vangelia. "Anyways, if you want me to locate someone, I would need a map, a match, some water, the cross from the top of a church, and a melted down pipe organ. If you get me all of those items, I could locate whatever you want me to locate!" said Vangelia, her cheerful attitude causing the flowers around her to go into full bloom and wither instantly.
 
Wizard found that this group was becoming much more interesting, especially the thoughts forming between Mifune and herself. God, what she'd do to this samurai if no one was around... But now there's a youth around, so it would be quite obscene to rip the clothes right off this guy. Mmm, what delicious wonders lay past that too thin layer of clothing...
But now is not the time for that, the youth named Vangelia needed things to help the Angry Guy- whatever his name is, find his daughter. "A map, a match, some water, a cross, and a melted pipe organ. Easy enough!" She squealed. She snapped her fingers like a genie, all the supplies appeared except for a cross. "I can't create too many biblical-related things, so we'll have to find a cross on our own." She said, looking at the supplies fall slowly to the ground.

Wait a minute! She's supposed to be completing her mission! How could she have gotten so distracted? But... Something about Angry Guy looked familiar, though she couldn't quite put her finger on it... Wizard turned her attention to the Angry Guy, since it was becoming quieter. "What's your name, again?"
 
A tall cut but lanky individual stood around, doing stuff in the woods. He had the tail of a spider monkey, black fur and long and whatnot, while atop his head he had pointy black ears kinda like a cat of some kind. His body was exposed cept for some loose fitting shorts that came down to his knees. Over his chest he had tattoo like scars criss crossing all over the place, like he'd been through some shit before, and his eyes were nothing but purple light. His teeth looked normal except for some big canines that looked as if they belonged to a gorilla and his skin was a deep tan. His hair was really messed up and shaggy, it was green and black and seemed motionless even in the gusts of wind his body made while erupting light in the forest that made the trees burn like paper.

He was excersizing it looked like, but not his body, his plasma blasts. He was what humans called an ancient, a member of a species that didn't belong on earth but had been there for ages. He was a beast and people knew it. Hearing some people near by he leaped up into the trees and followed the voices. Upon seeing people, he hopped down without even knowing what was going on as he only heard the word quest and wanted in, cause boredom was lame.

"I'm in, man." He said, right before he heard about logic, "Logic is useless to me. I destroy fire with better stuff with more punch." He said scoffing at the word logic. Logic was pointless in an illogical world, "So what's the job? Pissing on someone's muttonchops right? taking a dump in someone's water?"
 
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