Eureka Academy: First Semester [SU/OOC]

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I did. Reading over it now.
 
Damn, nice post incubus ^_^. Can't wait to be able to react to it with marco.
 
Ok, here it goes

Name: Matthew Riker

Age: 17

Race: Human

Class: Tinkerer/Craftsman. He is great at making things

Title: Student

Sect Study: Ultris-White

Appearance: Matthew has messy dark brown hair. His hair normally looks like he just woke up, and rolled out of his bed. He stands at 5'7. He has pale grey eyes. He is very thin, because he does not believe in eating more then 1 meal a day.

Normally, he causally wears a blue t-shirt and jeans. He wears a different colored shirt for every day of the week. Depending on the temperature, he may wear a sweatshirt if it is too cold.

Personality: Matthew is a 'happy go lucky' kind of person. He doesn't take things too seriously unless he believes that it will effect his life. He is not a bookworm, and prefers learning by doing. On the other hand, he can have a large amount of perseverance. If he believes in something completely, he will work towards that goal, no matter how long it takes.

Sometimes, if he gets into fights with other kids (which doesn't happen too often), he would prefer to ignore and run away. He isn't cowardly, but he prefers not to engage and just wait it out.

Weapon(s): A sword that retracts into a pen. An automaton wolf

Abilities/Magic: Being a great craftsman, he can make almost anything mechanical. He is also good at making automatons.

History: Matthew comes from the planet Eritai. His mom and dad were very successful. They were more on the rich side. His father taught him about technology, and showed him how machines worked and how to make them. He was very inspired by his dad, he decided to follow his footsteps to becoming a mechanical engineer.

At school, kids were envious of the family fortune. They blamed "people like him" for stealing all the food and shelter. Bullies would target him, because he looked easier to beat up. Soon, Matthew realized that it was easier to deal with automatons then humans. He started looking at his fathers blueprints, and decided to try and make himself a pet. With some help from his dad, he was able to make a automaton wolf. The wolf would only obey his commands, and simple ones like if he pointed at someone and said attack, the wolf would jump on that person and start scratching him or her. It was very durable, and can take many hits, being made out of solid metal.

One day, when he was building something, the object caught fire, and the electricity went up his arm. The shock was too much for his arm. When he got to the hospital, the doctors said that the arm had to be amputated. His father thought it was his fault that Matthew got into it in the first place, so decided to create a mechanical arm for him. The mechanical arm that was powered by mana. It took in mana from its surrounding. After a painful surgery, he got his arm replaced by the mechanical one. The mechanical arm acts just like a normal arm. It can only lift the same amount of pressure as any normal arm. Since it has been attached to his body, if he tries to lift something too heavy, it will still send a message to his brain saying too heavy, put it down. Matthew had no idea about mana batteries. He started learning about them with his dad. Eventually he was able to implement one into his wolf.

One day at school, he overheard some kids talking about a school. They said that the teachers there could teach students anything. Matthew was shocked when he heard about it, and knew instantly that he could find a teacher to teach him even more about engineering. He wanted to learn more about automatons, and how to improve them. He started trying harder at school, determined to get into that school. Eventually, he was able to get into Eureka Academy.
 
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Courtney (Clycia Alyann) is out for 11 days, she's visiting family out of state, so a response will have to wait.
 
Ok, here it goes

Name: Matthew Riker

Age: 17

Race: Half human automaton (cyborg)

Class: Artificer

Title: Student

Sect Study: Dominus-White

Appearance: Matthew has messy dark brown hair. He stands at 5'7. Being half an automaton, he still looks quite human. He has pale grey eyes. He is very thin, because he doesn't have the same eating needs as a normal human. The automaton part of him gives him robot legs and arms. Because the legs would make him stand out too much, it was made to blend into his skin.

Normally, he causally wears a blue t-shirt and jeans. He wears a different colored shirt for every day of the week. Depending on the temperature, he may wear a sweatshirt if it is too cold.

Personality: Matthew is a 'happy go lucky' kind of person. He doesn't take things too seriously unless he believes that it will effect his life. He is not a bookworm, and prefers learning by doing. On the other hand, he can have a large amount of perseverance. If he believes in something completely, he will work towards that goal, no matter how long it takes.

Sometimes, if he gets into fights with other kids (which doesn't happen too often), he would prefer to ignore and run away. He isn't cowardly, but he prefers not to engage and just wait it out.

Weapon(s): A simple pair of "wolverine" claws that spring from his hands. He also has a small automaton wolf that he can summon with a special whistle that he made.

Abilities/Magic: Being an artificer, he has an ability to enchant his claws. He can enchant his claws to set flame on contact, or freeze on contact. Being only on white, he can only enchant the claws for five minutes.

History: Matthew was just any ordinary kid. He are breakfast, went to school, and came back home. Then there was the accident. He and his parents were in the car, when a truck crashed into them. The truck came with such force that he and his parents barely lived. They were sent to the hospital for treatment. The doctors knew that they needed surgery. After the accident, Matthew had to live with a pair of mechanical arms and legs.

When he finally went back to school 8 months later, people noticed how he walked funny and how his hands acted weird. They noticed that in PE, he could ran faster and longer then anyone. They all thought that there was something wrong with him, or something happened in the 8 months of his absence. Matthew insisted that he was perfectly fine, so that he would start getting made fun of.

Matthew's parents paid a high price for the surgery. After the surgery, the whole family could barely afford 2 meals a day. After the accident, Matthew promised that he would always try his hardest in school, so that he couldn't be giving his parents a hard time. Trying his hardest every year, he finally was able to get into Eureka Academy.


ok, not a gm, but here's my personal issues with the CS

first of all, you shoudl really tell us which planet he comes from. I woudl suggest you go with eritai, and try to describe some of the geography (even knowing which continent he is on will help us) since your character seems to come from a very modern setting and so far corinith has been described as anything from a medieval fantasy setting to (at the very most) a steampunk setting (on my own character's home island), eritai still has been mostly left alone so it would be great for peopel looking for more modern and/or futuristic settings.

secondly, where the hell does this technology come from exactly? I'm saying this because you never mention his parents being incredibly rich, and yet somehow they could afford to have their child have all 4 of his limbs replaced by highly advanced cybernetics. And what exactly happened to THEM? you said that all of them barely survived the crash, so you'd assume that they ALL would need cybernetic implants/prosthetics (i'll also mention that it's practically impossible to have a car-crash in which all four of your limbs would be so incredibly damaged that you'd need to amputate them, but that you;d be so lucky as to have your torso survive completely undamaged so that you don;y just die from being crushed on impact). But then you talk as if somehow those robotic arms and legs are something that is very weird, very uncommon in his society, and that he has to keep them hidden because other people would somehow freak out at seeing that he was now part-robot. If that was the case then this would mean that the robotics technologies in his society were not much more advanced than in real life, which means that unless his parents were billionaires there is no way in hell they could have afforded to pay for even one or two of his limbs, let alone all four (on top of the medical bills they woudl already be paying just to have the doctors save their lives). So unless you make the robotics technologies more advanced, and thus something that would be available to more normal people, makingit something that would cost a whole lot less than you are describing, your story doesn;t make any sense.

I'll also mention that you completely failed to actually describe the limbs themselves in your weapons section. If the robot limbs give him any advantages over his peers (you said they allowed him to run faster and for longerin his history for one) then they count as weapons and you have to explain how they work. for example, are they highly advanced future tech cybernetics that are deigned to 'grow' with him? Or does he have to get them replaced every year as his body continues to grow but they stay the same size. Do they give him super strength? Do they work based of electronic circuitry? magic? internal combustion engines? how durable are they? Why the hell did the doctors give him wolverine claws tobegin with? what possible reason would they have to put lethal weapons literally built into the hands of a normal civvilian teenager? oh, you shoudl also mention that, contrary to popular belief wolverine claws can only be a maximum of about 2 inches long (or the entire length between your wrist and your knuckles. if they are any longer then every time you retract them they are going all teh way back into your fore-arms, which would make it impossible for you to bend your wrists in any way).

and then there's you talking about him being an artificer. First of all, what is this?
ar·tif·i·cer (är-t
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f
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-s
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r)n.
1. A skilled worker; a craftsperson.
2. One that contrives, devises, or constructs something:

so an in real life artificer is basically the same thing as my character's 'tinkerer' but for some reason you are describing artificers as something that can enchant normal objects with magic? so what, are they ust tinkerers who can also enchant the things they construct? or are they just enchanters with a different name? you shoudl include a class description to make it perfectly known what exactly your character's skills are.

then there's also teh fact that you never mention him being an artificer anywhere in his history section. Where did he learn to become one? why did he learn to become one? when did he discover his magical abilities to enchant items? is teh fact that he's an 'artificer' something that he has to hide too? how does magic and advanced cybertechnologies work hand-in-hand in his society?


the character isn't 'bad' but it;s clear that you just threw a lot of traits onto him without thinking too hard about how they shoudl actually fit together sensibly. I would advise that you take a second to look back at yoru character and think to yourself "ok, in real life, how teh hell could a character like this make sense?" (this is, of course, also assuming that 'real-life' allowed you to use magic and advanced cybernetics in yoru explanation) and come back when you have fleshed out the CS to make more sense
 
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Man, this is going to take a really long time to edit. I guess this is what happens when you make a late night CS while half falling asleep. But really, thanks for the suggestions!
 
Once again, Buio and I are on the same page; he's pointed out everything that I had an issue with and went a bit further and gave a few pointers - I like that.

However, there is one very important thing to keep in mind. The vast majourity of technology on both planets is the same as steampunk. You have a few out of place things but so far this is entirely because of extraterrestrial, extradimensional, or extraplanar entities. This said, it is much more likely that your automated parts are clockwork, possibly electrical but with large batteries. Conversely, you could have happened upon, say, an extraterrestrial crash site as a child and you just Ben 10 that shit from there - you screwed around because you're a kid and look what happened to you.

In all honesty, I gave blank planets for the purposes of you guys to make what you need. There could be a closed off city where steampunk tech has evolved to the point where you have limb replacements. I've been in one where such was possible but they were expensive, experimental, and sometimes had a chance to blow you up in the process. Conversely, you can go the D&D half-golem route and make magical limbs and graft them onto your body or have them grafted onto you for whatever reason.

Just a few thoughts to go along with Buio's like-minded assessment
 
@YaoiMasterGavin *chuckles* well, it;s my GM instincts at play and what-not. even in roleplays where I myself am not a GM I can't resist putting in my two cents when someoen puts up a CS just because of the sheer number of them that I've had to look over in my own roleplays in the past lol. Plus, by doing this I'm freeing you up to focus more on the plot and keeping an eye out on all of the groups IC, which is something I myself couldn't do ^_^. Either way I'm glad i can be of service.

@Iapetus you're very welcome. You also get bonus points for not complaining about the harsh tone I took in critiquing you. I've always had great respect fro those who could handle with humility having their flaws or faults pointed out ^_^. You wouldn't believe how many people I've had to deal with (not in this rp in particular mind you, just in general) who need everything to be told to them in the softest and fluffiest words before they'll listen to any criticism.
 
I think I'll take Yaoi Master Gavin's recommendation of a steampunk. Thank you for that idea. It never really came to me lol. I'm gonna rewrite the whole history (and weapons). Or I might go futuristic. You never know...

Edit: Nice and edited. Please tell my if I need to add anything else.
 
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I think I'll take Yaoi Master Gavin's recommendation of a steampunk. Thank you for that idea. It never really came to me lol. I'm gonna rewrite the whole history (and weapons). Or I might go futuristic. You never know...

Edit: Nice and edited. Please tell my if I need to add anything else.


Right, so this version of the CS is much more sensible, though there are still some details missing. Chiefly Id say it is his history section that needs the most work. Teh structure is fine this time around, but it still feels incomplete. I would ask that you try to flesh it out some more. For one we still don;t actually know why he came to Eureka or what he intends to accomplish there. Secondly you still haven't told us how his mechanical arm works, what its power source is (electricity, magic, steam engine, combustion engine, etc.), what materials it's made of, what its limitations are (if it impedes his dexterity, if it increases his ability to absorb blows. I'll say right now that it woudl be unwise to have his arm increase his physical strength because even if the engine in the arm would give it the strength to lift 100 tonnes for example, the arm is still connected to your character's soft and squishy organic flesh. A simple understanding of physics tells you that in such a case, if he were to try to lift a car, the strength of his arm would sooner absolutely tear apart the muscle tendons it is attached to than it would lift the car even 1 inch off the ground), etc. In the same vein I would also like to know more about his mechanical wolf. Teh fact that you made it a wolf and not a dog suggests that you intend to use it for combat, which is perfectly fine, many of our characters have 'pets' and 'companions' to help them in fights (My own character marco has a golem to help him who is actually much stronger then marco himself for example), but if that is the case then we will also need to know its battle perameters, so i ask all teh same questions i asked about the mechanical arm, and on top of that i also ask how inteligent it is. Does the wolf work like a regular robot that can only follow a certain set of commands based on very specific protocols written in its programing? does it posess voice recognition software that allows it to obey any command by its master but no ability for independent thought? Or is it outfited with a very advanced AI (be it elecronic or magical) that gives it actual free will and allows it to communicate with others like it was a person?

There is more but I won;t mention any of it to you right now because I'd like to see what you decide requires more explanationyourself as you review your CS, and i look forward to seeing your next edit.

TL;DR - Your current CS works fine as the 'bare bones', but now i'd like you to flesh it out with a lot more detail to make it more organic ^_^
 
Arukab is still at the school available for confrontation.
 
On that note Squee, I'll be sending a blanket alert for everyone who has characters in here to see what they're up on. I've been looking over a few things and right now, only two people in this have given me any information as to what's going on with them. Honestly, I want this to pick up pace and I'm gonna cut out the deadwood and find out who's still lurking and who's still interested as well as check up on a few things.

@Squee Did you get my skype text? Also, I've kept Courtney in mind for this census so no worries.

@Buio Last I heard you were dealing with some RL stuff. You doing alright?

@Tanstin @Silvir @VanraMoonlight @Awendela @Noctis the Devious @Chaike @Sapphy @Madyline @Jessica2477 @Lilium @Entropae @OverCast
That list of people is one of people who made a character and I don't have anything personalized for them. Some of you dropped out and if you get this and don't want to step back in, you could have been courteous and said something. For those that do want to step back in, PM me and I'll see what happens. For those that are still in the RP, I want a response in this thread saying as such or to say that you are dropping out. For those who have characters in important positions and are dropping out, poof, retcon powers activate.


And as a general blanket for everyone involved, due to the nature of this RP being the way it is, teachers are becoming more of catalysts than anything for the most part. As such, I'm restricting further staff only to certain players, mostly to those I either know can handle it or have been faithful to the RP thus far.

@Stein Yes, we're always accepting

@Iapetus Again, agreeing with Buio here - there needs to be a fair amount more of exposition on a number of things. In addition, there's a lot of things left over from the old version that need to be updated to the new incarnation, like the half-cyborg designation and all things related.
 
Hi sorry about that must have forgotten to post why im quiet >.<
Dead grandma and long term illness has kept me down.
And yes im interested in keeping this going
 
Which skype text?
 
I... I told you I was unable to continue this o.o' As much as I would love to step back in and develop Amal, the Ilium roleplay is taking up the majority of my roleplay time and focus. I'm still keeping up with the roleplay of course, but I'm just not sure if I would be able to reply in a timely manner.
 
@Yaoi Master Gavin well, my RL problems won't be solving themselves any time soon (at least not until i can move out of my parents' place, and god knows when I'll have the money for that) but, as my recent activity has hinted, i have no intention of letting that stop me from being active in this roleplay ^_^.
 
Hi sorry about that must have forgotten to post why im quiet >.<
Dead grandma and long term illness has kept me down.
And yes im interested in keeping this going

as someone who also recently lost their grandparent, you have my deepest sympathies.
 
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