Envious

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Celest, Jan 16, 2012.

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  1. I'm only going to post a page at a time. I have four other pages after this one so if y'all want the others let me know. This is still sort of a work in progress since I would like to expand it. There will be mistakes and they should be pointed out even if I don't like hearing them =/ I hope y'all enjoy it.


    Envious



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mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";} </style> <![endif]--> [FONT=&amp] Dani sighed contently as she dropped her suitcases in the foyer of her home. She just got home from college for the summer and was welcomed by a quiet and empty place. “Thanks mom and dad,” she mumbled as she thought about how happy they were going to be in Europe.[/FONT]
    [FONT=&amp]
    She forced herself to step further into her lonely house. Memories of times that had past flew by her until she stopped in front of the huge window looking over the lake. Her reflection was subtle but it was there. Dani furrowed her eyebrows. “Whoa,” she breathed out. Her normally brilliant blue eyes reflected back as a daunting green. Leaning in closer to the window the green eyes blinked but Dani’s didn’t and the reflection changed to properly portray her. As she gasped she stepped back from the window staring at it blankly.[/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]
    Dani was so wrapped up in thought she didn’t hear the click of the front door shutting. Alyson, who has been Dani’s best friend for years, walked in to see her friend in a daze in front of the window she had feared since childhood. “Dani?” Alyson said softly as she walked towards her. [/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]
    Startled by Alyson’s voice she turned then smiled, “hey!”[/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]
    “I was about to be worried. You looked like a zombie,” Alyson joked as she plopped on the couch.[/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]Dani glanced back as the window before stepping away. “No, I’m fine,” she smiled reassuringly as she sat in a free spot on the couch next to her friend.[/FONT]
    [FONT=&amp]
    “It’s our first day back. We are doing something tonight,” Alyson looked at her sternly.[/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]Dani groaned and closed her eyes. “Tonight? Really? Can’t we just relax tonight?”[/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]“Fine,” Alyson sigh and stood up. “ I have to go to lunch with mom and her new boyfriend.” Leaning over she hugged Dani and walked out.[/FONT]
    [FONT=&amp]
    Still haunted by her previous reflection she went to the bathroom and flicked on the light. As she walked up to the mirror she held her breathe and began releasing it slowly when she saw everything was normal. Her black wavy hair was still there, her fair complexion was the same, and most importantly her eyes were as blue as they always have been. “Maybe if I blink,” she thought out loud. Several times she blinked and nothing changed. Shaking her head she gave up and left the bathroom returning to the foyer to pick up her suitcases. [/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]
    For a moment Dani stood in the middle of her room and looked around. It was spotless like she suspected and felt unwelcoming. Immediately she went to work hanging up clothes, setting out pictures, and putting up posters of people she thought were beautiful. Lying on her bed she looked at all the posters. Ever since she was little she always wanted to be like a celebrity. She wanted to be powerful. She wanted to be envied.[/FONT]


    [FONT=&amp]Dani finally tried to accomplish that want to be envied. While away at college she got a massive dragon tattoo. The head began on her shoulder and slithered down her back. The wings spread out in a magnificent display in the middle of her back. The dragon ended with its tail running down the front of her thigh. It was a brilliant green but not just one shade. The dragon was several shades of green. It was breathtaking as it stood guard over her. In a way she felt safe knowing it was there.[/FONT]
     
  2. I'll do a grammar check first!

    [FONT=&amp]Dani sighed contentedly as she dropped her suitcases in the foyer of her home. She had just got home from college for the summer and was welcomed by a quiet and empty place.[/FONT]

    This could benefit from commas in several places:[FONT=&amp] “Thanks, mom and dad,” she mumbled, as she thought about how happy they were going to be in Europe.[/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]Memories of times that had pastsed flew by her until she stopped in front of the huge window looking over the lake.[/FONT] (Or, [FONT=&amp]Memories of times that had past[/FONT])

    [FONT=&amp]Alyson, who hasd been Dani’s best friend for years, walked in to see her friend in a daze in front of the window that she had feared since childhood.[/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]Startled by Alyson’s voice, she turned and then smiled,.hHey!”[/FONT] (Pretty sure that is just a typo, though.)

    [FONT=&amp]Dani glanced back ast the window before stepping away. “No, I’m fine,.sShe smiled reassuringly as she sat in a free spot on the couch next to her friend.[/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]“It’s our first day back. We are doing something tonight,.” Alyson looked at her sternly.[/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]“Fine,” Alyson sighed, and stood up. “I have to go to lunch with mMom and her new boyfriend.” Leaning over, she hugged Dani and walked out.[/FONT]

    As she walked up to the mirror she held her breathe and began releasing it slowly when she saw everything was normal.

    [FONT=&amp]Shaking her head, she gave up and left the bathroom, returning to the foyer to pick up her suitcases. [/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp] Lying on her bed, she looked at all of the posters. Ever since she was little she had always wanted to be like a celebrity.[/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]It was a brilliant green but not just one shade.; Tthe dragon was several shades of green.[/FONT]

    A couple of your sentences are awkward: "Alyson, who has been Dani’s best friend for years, walked in to see her friend in a daze in front of the window she had feared since childhood." and "Dani finally tried to accomplish that want to be envied." I'd suggest rephrasing them to flow better. Try reading your sentences aloud to check for awkwardness.

    When you go from, "
    Leaning over she hugged Dani and walked out." to the following paragraph, you forget to clarify that "she" is now referring to Dani. Since you were just using it to refer to Alyson, it is a little confusing.
    [FONT=&amp][/FONT]
    You also need to remember that new dialogue warrants a new paragraph! Dialogue should not be sandwiched in the middle of narrative.

    One other thing I noticed was a tendency to repeat words. A thesaurus can be really handy for looking up more ways to say the same thing.

    As to the actual piece itself: I like the concept of the tattoo and how you're using it here. I'd really like to see where you're going with it! The dialogue between Alyson and Dani seems a bit extraneous, though, and I'm not sure at present why you included it.

    I'd love to see the other three pages!

     
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