English Problems

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Asmodeus, Mar 2, 2012.

  1. Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

    1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

    2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

    3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

    4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

    5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

    6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

    7.. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

    8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

    9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

    10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

    11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

    12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

    13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

    14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

    15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

    16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

    17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

    18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

    19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

    20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

    21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

    22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
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  2. Clearly a bunch of perverts live in England!
  3. REALLY didn't need to know that last one.

    Also, how can one have 150% of walls? 1/2 = 1/3? What the hell kind of country are you living in?
  4. Chav factor.
  5. I've had that problem before. >>
  6. Sounds painful, Anaili.
  7. I hate it when the kitchen fixtures ask me to write letters for them. They're so damn demanding.
  8. Oh, man. That humor! Reminds me of 'Are you being served?'
  9. I'm laughing but I'm also disturbed.

    Good job Asmo.
  10. I can see why you want to live in the states. We puree the dog mess before we try to swallow it.
  11. I swear, by the end of the list, I couldn't breathe. ASMO ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME BY MY OWN WEAKNESS? MY INABILITY TO NOT LAUGH AT SOMETHING!?
  12. Oh I think I can handle our side of the pond here.
    I'll just leave these here...though mine do not enjoy the double meaning of being English as in Englishman, and therefor are inferior.

    Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

    A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

    Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

    For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

    Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

    Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

    Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

    We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

    For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

    For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

    Great Dames for sale.

    Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

    Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

    Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

    The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

    Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

    Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

    Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

    Stock up and save. Limit: one.

    For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

    Man, honest. Will take anything.

    Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

    Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

    UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

    Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

    Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

    Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

    Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

    3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

    Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

    Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

    Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

    Illiterate? Write today for free help.

    Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

    Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

    Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

    And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

    We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
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