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Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by LogicfromLogic, Oct 1, 2014.

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  1. Decided to not furtherly insult people as this workshop was meant to help but ended up insulting people. So have to say sorry Iwaku, I will try to do better next time!
     
    #1 LogicfromLogic, Oct 1, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2014
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  2. (Love this post.)

    Mr. Ree took his cell phone out of his pocket as he strolled into the living room. Robin Bank's text message made him roll his eyes involuntarily. "You are so adorable, " it read. Exasperated, he slid his phone back into his pocket. The memory of one drunken night with a far too clingy woman would haunt him forever. Glancing at the clock he was surprised to see just how late it was. Before rushing off to work he gave his face a good scrub. Winnie Bago was sure to be outside this time of day, so he had to look his best.

    Mr. Ree had been in love with Winnie from the day she moved in next to him two years ago. The image of her sunning herself in that almost too small bikini was enough to bring him to his knees. "Winnie," he said as he walked oh so casually closer to the white picket fence that separated their yards. As luck would have it, Mr.Ree did not see the oddly placed rock in the middle of the yard, causing him to trip over himself. What a fool he was. There was no keeping your cool around Winnie Bago.
     
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  3. Mr. Ree took his cell phone out of his pocket as he strolled into the living room. Robin Bank's text message made him roll his eyes involuntarily. "You are so adorable, " it read. Exasperated, he slid his phone back into his pocket. The memory of one drunken night with a far too clingy woman would haunt him forever. Glancing at the clock he was surprised to see just how late it was. Before rushing off to work he gave his face a good scrub. Winnie Bago was sure to be outside this time of day, so he had to look his best.



    Who is Robin Banks though and how does he fit into the story at present?
     
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  4. Point made and noted. :)
     
  5. Okay, so here is my variant of your own post (since I was lazy to write my own :P But it still shows my writing style, though). Please take note that english is not my native language, so there might be places where it would be better to use a different word or expression:



    Mr. Ree strolled up to the parking lot, switching out his phone to check his messages. He rolled his eyes as he gazed upon a message sent from Robin Banks, his annoying friend and workmate. “You are adorable!” the message said. He sighed, already running in a hurry, gushing at the message. How great would it be to go a day without Robin texting him? Sure, it was his nature to annoy the hell out of Ree with his stupid sarcastic remarks, especially after that drunken night involving a cat and a bottle of beer, but come on! It's not like it's so difficult to know when enough is enough! But anyway, no matter how much Ree didn't like his rude attitude, Robin was still his friend (and a really good one, by the way), so he decided not to think too much about it.

    Heading up the stairs, he headed into the restroom for a much needed face scrubbing. He liked to keep himself clean and pretty when he's around other people, so he could give a better impression on them. He knew that he was going to be late for work at this point, and he was scared about being fired. So, hurrying out the door, he would get everything right today.

    But before going to his working place, he decided to visit Winnie Bago first. She was his neighbor, and he was in love with her. Heading out, she was sunning herself, seemingly unaware of Ree's presence. “Winnie,” he called while running to the fence that was surrounding her garden (she was a skilled gardener, and she really loved her plants). He checked to see if she’d even looked at him, but tripped on himself as he ran, accidentally going over the fence and falling on a small patch of petunias, smashing them. And not only that, but also now his clothes were covered in dirt! What a great way to start the day!
     
    #5 Aravhorn, Oct 11, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 11, 2014
  6. Mr. Ree strolled up to the parking lot, switching out his phone to check his messages. He rolled his eyes as he gazed upon a message sent from Robin Banks, his annoying friend and workmate. “You are adorable!” the message said. He sighed, already running in a hurry, gushing at the message. How great would it be to go a day without Robin texting him? Sure, it was his nature to annoy the hell out of Ree with his stupid sarcastic remarks, especially after that drunken night involving a cat and a bottle of beer, but come on! It's not like it's so difficult to know when enough is enough! But anyway, no matter how much Ree didn't like his rude attitude, Robin was still his friend (and a really good one, by the way), so he decided not to think too much about it.

    Heading up the stairs, he headed into the restroom for a much needed face scrubbing. He liked to keep himself clean and pretty when he's around other people, so he could give a better impression on them. He knew that he was going to be late for work at this point, and he was scared about being fired. So, hurrying out the door, he would get everything right today.

    But before going to his working place, he decided to visit Winnie Bago first. She was his neighbor, and he was in love with her. Heading out, she was sunning herself, seemingly unaware of Ree's presence. “Winnie,” he called while running to the fence that was surrounding her garden

    (she was a skilled gardener, and she really loved her plants). I am not sure why that is in there It seems a bit useless, but so far this is wonderful. Perhaps if you put it where he'd fallen on her beloved plants it might have made more sense.

    He checked to see if she’d even looked at him, but tripped on himself as he ran, accidentally going over the fence and falling on a small patch of petunias, smashing them. And not only that, but also now his clothes were covered in dirt! What a great way to start the day!
     
  7. I must say I strongly disagree with alot of your points. You should not chastice someone for flexing their intellectual muscle in writing.

    'he wanted to look good for Winnie.' Is not a better worded segment then the alternative. One gives insight in what he had on him, gave a better description of his feeling and the circumstances. The other is a bland statement of facts. If feels your entire point is to rag on people for putting effort into being more elaborate and well worded. Explaining a scene to give a better mental image is not wrong. The fact that you treat any sort of none-barebone writing as a sin is really offputting.

    There is a thing as going to in depth into something. But what you are doing is to treat anyone who writes in a different style of yours like they are worse writers then yourself and your entire premise is "I am the shit, you are not." Writing styles differ, and describing descriptive scenes as bullshit is disgenuine towards the entirety of the literate pursuit.

    I'm sorry if you find this rude. But I have hard time seeing any of this helping players in any way. It feels more like imposing limitations because you don't like long posts.

    I would honestly recommend people to pick up more books and compare styles and look at how they describe things rather then follow a post that says "Describing anything other then "he wants, he did" is wrong". You are not improving anyones writing from what I can see.

    In short; Equating your style as the only true way of doing things is condencending and completely and utterly arrogant. I also note that you made the headline "Whats in a post", yet do not dissect or deconstruct a post as such. Instead you spend the entire post putting over why your style is better.
     
    #7 Hellis, Oct 22, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2014
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  8. I agree with this 100%.
    [​IMG]
    Also, OP, you sound incredibly shitty and pretentious by proclaiming this.
    Which isn't very Fonz-Cool.
    [​IMG]
     
    #8 Zed, Oct 22, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2014
  9. The 'this is shit' isn't actually meant as a put down. I have a weird sense of humour and do see how it could offend people. I have to apologize for how I worded it. I'll go back and reword it.

    And I never said my way was the only way to go, this is just an exercise that you don't have to do. They are all opinions of people who are actually trying to help, not trying to be mean. I didn't mean to make people's writing styles as bad, so I really must say sorry for that. It was not my intention to make someone feel bad or say that their writing style is terrible. Again, it was a joke. and partially made because I got tired of people getting made fun of for posting short posts that held meaning to them, verses posting long ones that didn't and were hard to reply to. I didn't mean to say that my posts were better than anyone else, and again that falls under the poor wording on my part. I will surly work on that and try to be better next time.


    I will work on rephrasing.

    While I admit my error, you really should learn how to argue. 'You sound shitty', that itself makes people start to ignore your posts because people feel attacked. Mistakes happen, and it would be different if I sat here behind my computer and argued that I did nothing wrong rather than admitting a mistake and trying to fix it. Your post isn't actually making a point rather than it is just obnoxious.

    I am sorry that I insulted you, like I told Hellis, it was my way of incorporating humour into it. Looking back I see how rude it actually is and how it makes people angry rather than happy.
     
    #9 LogicfromLogic, Oct 22, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2014
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