Defending a friend

[Rebornfan120]

This could be qualified as a rant in a way but since I feel like I got to defend my friend hence the title. (I'm not mentioning names)
We're both being hit with the bad luck stick of sorts in the roleplay department and criticizing but for now, that is where the similarities end for the time being.
Recently she has been yelled at by other partners of hers for missing out important feelings, like for their characters and the race she is playing. (it's a harpy.)
Then she feels bad as a person for leaving two of her roleplays that she had because of this, I want her to have partners that they like writing with you know? Not someone they feel like they're just tolerating or looking at like "Omg this person can't write! What a p.o.s!"
Rather they tell us or not, I feel on one hand, we both get this a bit too much and on the other hand it isn't really fair when it seems like just because of her style/approach to a roleplay it does not mean that we need to be put down cause of it. Cause of that these kind of people is #2 on the worst list of people to have an RP with, anyone with a different side to it is more than welcome to figure out what is next to do.

 

[Raynar Saassin]

That sounds horrible... My condolences to you and your friend for having met such horrid people.

 

[Rebornfan120]

That sounds horrible... My condolences to you and your friend for having met such horrid people.

When it comes to roleplaying our luck sucks! Behavior like this shouldn't get away at all.

 

[Raynar Saassin]

When it comes to roleplaying our luck sucks! Behavior like this shouldn't get away at all.

I agree. This kind of behavior should not go unpunished. Did you report said people to the site staff? If not I definitely think you should.

 

[Rebornfan120]

When it comes to roleplaying our luck sucks! Behavior like this shouldn't get away at all.

I agree. This kind of behavior should not go unpunished. Did you report said people to the site staff? If not I definitely think you should.

Well on behalf of my friend I did not but I SERIOUSLY think they should be reported. Especially if they are acting this way, she is concerned of the backlash but i feel there won't be any.

 

[Nemopedia]

As much as the situation is unfortunate for all parties involved I wouldn't recommend airing that out into the open. Especially not in a space where the likelihood that the person in question might actually see this and get upset at your words, or worse, seek you out. No one wants to open that can of worms.

Other than that. You don't owe anyone anything and no one owes you, same goes for your friend. If a partner makes you upset, or upsets your friend neither of you have to choose to stick around. Similarly no one has to stick around if they don't feel (good about) the rp. How you react and feel about that is entirely up to yourself, however. If your friend isn't enjoying the rp anymore then it might be for the best to look for other partners and drop that one. Nothing worse than sticking around something that makes you feel bad when you do it for enjoyment.

 

[Rebornfan120]

As much as the situation is unfortunate for all parties involved I wouldn't recommend airing that out into the open. Especially not in a space where the likelihood that the person in question might actually see this and get upset at your words, or worse, seek you out. No one wants to open that can of worms.

Other than that. You don't owe anyone anything and no one owes you, same goes for your friend. If a partner makes you upset, or upsets your friend neither of you have to choose to stick around. Similarly no one has to stick around if they don't feel (good about) the rp. How you react and feel about that is entirely up to yourself, however. If your friend isn't enjoying the rp anymore then it might be for the best to look for other partners and drop that one. Nothing worse than sticking around something that makes you feel bad when you do it for enjoyment.

I disagree, I feel an injustice has been committed and it should be addressed even if the person in question sees this. When someone replies to a interest on your thread it is a means of commitment to me. You are going to devote time to even plan out a rp and then do it, not do the dishonorable thing by leaving or in this case criticizing someone. They replied to the thread indicating their interest and should own up to the responsibility and devote time for it.

 

[Diana]

I am going to come in as an Admin to tell you, that dragging someone into a public space to call them out, shame them, and criticize them even if you don't say their name is a form of bullying and not an appropriate thing to do. It doesn't matter if the thing you're mad about is legit. When you have a problem with someone, you should talk to them directly and if they don't live up to your standards or refuse to fix the problem - you drop them and move on.

Because doing it like this, posting many a public, loud, and angry message in multiple threads all across the forums is actually doing the opposite of what you were hoping. You're not helping educate anyone about being respectful in roleplays. You're not teaching people appropriate behavior for interacting with each other. You're actually creating a toxic "call out" environment where people think it's okay to attack other members whenever they're pissed about something as long as you don't say their names.

We all have things we hate in roleplays, but the appropriate way to affect change is to talk to people directly about issues, write helpful guides and be polite. Complaining everywhere and public shaming is not getting you anything.

 

[Rebornfan120]

Well I think that is where we differ. Writing helpful guides, talking to people is NOT going to do the change you claim. Calling them out for their cowardly and dishonorable choice is always the better choice, to drag them out into the light for all to see so no one else dare bothers doing this.
Attacking a friend is wrong, and I am teaching them something.

I'm teaching them to honor their commitment while not attacking someone for a different style they have unless they want to be dragged into the light, shaming them is the only way they will learn to honor their commitment to a partner instead of ditching them leaving them high and dry while killing their spirit.

 

[Diana]

Then allow me to officially state, that you've already expressed your opinion nice and loud and to the best of your abilities - Iwaku's official stance is that your tactics are wrong and the way that you are continuing to conduct yourself is against the spirit of our site behavior policies. You are in your right to disagree, but for as long as you use this site, you need to respect the policy and officially ZIP IT on this topic.

And if you feel that is unfair, I highly recommend trying out some new roleplay sites like Inner Sanctum, Umbra Roleplay, or Rebellion Roleplay. They are all wonderfully designed communities, and maybe they share your opinions and will be a better fit.

 

[Rebornfan120]

I will not "Zip It". If something is wrong in my eyes then I'm going to speak about it regardless of the topic. My friend was attacked and I'm going to stick up for that person as you make it sound wrong to do so. Also the claim of "The appropriate way" to handle things like this is as such as I don't think anything will come of it so why do it? Guides ain't going to do anything as it is just a hands-off approach so no one has to get their hands dirty.

I see it as unfair and unreasonable that you don't understand the pain of people that have genuine interest only for people like this and ghosters to go off scott free killing their spirit for roleplaying as a whole.

 

[Ariel]

You have to look at it from the outsider's point of view. This kind of drama just creates bad feelings, it doesn't actually resolve anything or improve anyone's behaviour, because when people get called out they almost always go defensive and try to justify what they did - and guess what? Sometimes it is justified. We're only hearing your side of the story. Maybe there's something you're not telling us, something that would make the whole story look really different.

You say your friend got "yelled at". I don't know how you define "yelled at". Some people are really direct with their criticism, and they just point out something that could be improved, but the other player is really sensitive so they get really hurt by it. This is an Internet site so we have people posting from all over the world and different cultures vary a lot with what you can say to someone else, even if everybody's writing in English. Like, an Israeli would be super blunt and English people tend to be very passive-aggressive in comparison.

Point is, nobody else knows how all this went down, and we really shouldn't be taking your word for it that it happened the way you said it did. I'm not saying you're a liar, but you're only human too and maybe you're making a mistake.

So I agree with @Diana that it's best to resolve these differences directly between yourselves, and if the offending person's behaviour was so bad then report it to the staff. But it's usually a good idea to give people a chance to respond, to explain themselves, and maybe to apologise in private rather than making it a public shaming, which just raises the stakes and makes it less likely for them to respond positively.

All in all, this just makes you look kind of immature and ranty, especially when you get all huffy when a staff member steps in and tells you what the policy is. Makes me wonder just where the problem lies. Sometimes people have really bad luck. Sometimes they make "bad luck" for themselves.

 

[Diana]

And I am telling you, as the admin of this site, that I've been following your progression through multiple threads, reviewing multiple reports from members who have NOT appreciated the way you've been behaving, that you are the one that is currently being unreasonable and not understanding that you are creating problems, not solving them.

So, again, consider this an official warning. You can drop it and change the way you do things, or you can leave the site. By choice or by escort.

 

[Rebornfan120]

You have to look at it from the outsider's point of view. This kind of drama just creates bad feelings, it doesn't actually resolve anything or improve anyone's behaviour, because when people get called out they almost always go defensive and try to justify what they did - and guess what? Sometimes it is justified. We're only hearing your side of the story. Maybe there's something you're not telling us, something that would make the whole story look really different.

You say your friend got "yelled at". I don't know how you define "yelled at". Some people are really direct with their criticism, and they just point out something that could be improved, but the other player is really sensitive so they get really hurt by it. This is an Internet site so we have people posting from all over the world and different cultures vary a lot with what you can say to someone else, even if everybody's writing in English. Like, an Israeli would be super blunt and English people tend to be very passive-aggressive in comparison.

Point is, nobody else knows how all this went down, and we really shouldn't be taking your word for it that it happened the way you said it did. I'm not saying you're a liar, but you're only human too and maybe you're making a mistake.

So I agree with @Diana that it's best to resolve these differences directly between yourselves, and if the offending person's behaviour was so bad then report it to the staff. But it's usually a good idea to give people a chance to respond, to explain themselves, and maybe to apologise in private rather than making it a public shaming, which just raises the stakes and makes it less likely for them to respond positively.

All in all, this just makes you look kind of immature and ranty, especially when you get all huffy when a staff member steps in and tells you what the policy is. Makes me wonder just where the problem lies. Sometimes people have really bad luck. Sometimes they make "bad luck" for themselves.

Well I am telling you everything that I was told.

And I define yelled at by in bold and direct with her and she got hurt by it, and like I stated well prior I'm going to defend my friends. I do not know if she decided to report it to the staff, heck I even suggested it to her that she did. On the bad luck stance I agree with the half of sometimes people having really bad luck and it isn't made for them if there are people out there that upsetted my friend.

 

[Raynar Saassin]

Well I am telling you everything that I was told.

And I define yelled at by in bold and direct with her and she got hurt by it, and like I stated well prior I'm going to defend my friends. I do not know if she decided to report it to the staff, heck I even suggested it to her that she did. On the bad luck stance I agree with the half of sometimes people having really bad luck and it isn't made for them if there are people out there that upsetted my friend.

I think we get it at this point. But honestly mate, you continuing to reply to this thread is only digging yourself further into the grave; soon you won't be able to get out of it.

Can you just take the hint that this thread is getting you nowhere, accept the staff's judgement and move on? If you don't like how things are running around here, like suggested above, there are other Role-playing websites out there.

And to any staff members reading, can we now formally close this? I think this has gone on long enough...

 

[Rebornfan120]

I don't think any of you get it, I don't think you know what is like to have a friend attacked and you got the chance to do something about it I think you guys would at least do the same thing I did. I don't think the admin's care for the other points of view at all. They have the bias against ghosters wanting to protect them and to stifle the others that suffer because of them when it is obvious they kill rp morale.

 

[Raynar Saassin]

I don't think any of you get it, I don't think you know what is like to have a friend attacked and you got the chance to do something about it I think you guys would at least do the same thing I did. I don't think the admin's care for the other points of view at all. They have the bias against ghosters wanting to protect them and to stifle the others that suffer because of them when it is obvious they kill rp morale.

Do not play that card. Do not play that card. I know exactly what it's like to defend a friend, I've done it loads of times in many different scenarios with real problems, one of them having suffered in school like I have due to constant harassment and trust me; I've had more of my fair share of bullying.

You are not doing your friend justice by coming here and ranting about it. I had my condolences for you and them for being treated badly but now? You're not defending anyone. You're using it as an excuse to rant and complain. Your behavior towards me and everyone in this thread is a clear example and complete justification of a Staff Member's actions against you. Someone pissed you off, and you're taking it out on us for no reason with your "discussion" threads. There's a difference between defence and offence.

End this. Either accept what's been said and move on, or leave. I don't care what you do at this point because I foresee you doing this again, and I doubt the staff will be as nice as they have been.

 

[Diana]

I am going to go ahead and close this. :) Thanks for all the people that tried to help!