I think I've finally found words to describe how I feel. Like, it's really hard to express something you feel so deeply, but don't know how to say, y'know? Maybe it's because I've been doing some soul searching or something, that I've finally come to understand my feelings and am able to put words to it. Those words though, are a little bit, well, cold. Dark. Hollow. It hurts to say, but it's the truth.
I am alone. I have always been alone.
I guess I should explain a little. I guess I kind of feel like rambling a bit. Maybe it's venting to get it off my chest. This weakness that hides inside of me. I try to keep it away and think optimistically, but... some days it's hard. Real hard.
Maybe I'm starting to accept the idea that I was meant to be alone. My own mother didn't want me. The orphanage that I love and cherished so much never really wanted me either. I was the black sheep, for what reasons, I just could never understand. Only Sister Agnes cared, but even still, she had to keep her distance. I understand now, that she had an image to upkeep. She was the head sister at St. Abigail's, and she had to show her strength in her stoicism. As a kid, I could never understand why she would say mean things, but behind closed doors, act so kind to me. I'm grateful for her. But she was just the start of my lesson of being alone.
No matter what path my life has taken, I've been destined to love and love again. Sometimes I will be loved back, but in the end, I'm left alone. It hurts... and each time, I've had a bittersweet ending.
Haha, maybe it's a curse that I have with British women or something. The first-- my first real crush and... well to this day, my first real love... I don't know. We've had several opportunities and... most of the time they've fallen short. Looking back now... I find it so silly I couldn't realize she had liked me back. All I wanted to do for the longest time was have her acknowledge me for me. Not some kid. Not just a sidekick. I wanted to be her equal, and someone worthy of her time and passion. Her drive drove me as well. She was inspirational to me in whatever she did. She was a great vigilante and and even greater role model. She stuck to her guns and her morals were strong. She was... just so cool, haha. Even when times got dark, she tried to hold it together.
I love her still, really. And though sometimes we live, the most prominent and crucial moment we've had together... was the time she died. I-It hurts to even think about. I'm-I'm tearing up about it right now. She... She died protecting me, and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I tried. I tried to get back to her after she was shot through the head, right before my eyes. Everyone held me back. Once we were out of the building and back at base... reality hit. She was gone. Whatever moments we had before that mission was the last moments I would ever have with her. And that broke my heart. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. Sparring didn't even help. I lost a part of myself with her then. And even though, there was a miraculous moment where an impossible wish was granted... all I had was an interaction with a ghost. A last moment to clarify our feelings. Finally, we were on the same page. But... that didn't exactly fill the hole in my heart. She would be physically gone after that. No progressing, just forever stuck in a stasis. Though I knew she would still be with me in spirit, and I would visit her grave forever... I was still, in the end... alone.
My second interaction with a British woman was... a large moral gray at best. I had grown to love her, despite her not loving herself. It wasn't insecurities really... but she just... didn't want to be human anymore. I can't begin to understand her situation. Everything that happened to her to make her come to the conclusion that her world of cybernetics were better than anything humanity could give. But I tried to show her. I really did try. Parts of my own body were sacrificed to show to her that somewhere in the world, someone cared about her for her. She mended me and I never felt resentment toward her. In the end, I felt like I made it with her. But at the same time... I ended up sacrificing a lot of my moral standings for more fluid ones. I had to try and understand her world. The darker side of things. The underworld that I had only scratched the surface with in my underground fighting.
As much as I save her, she's saved me as well. I was damaged, but she always came back to try and fix what she broke of me. Maybe she felt bad, but that guilt showed she still hung on to something human.
Time passed and we faded in and out of focus several times. Each time, I became more of a background piece. I felt... almost like a sidekick. A background lover. A comforter or back to being a bed warmer as she continued her tycoon endeavors. I suppose I didn't mind for a while. She was going to do what she was going to. But I relented so that she could succeed. I guess... I just became that check and piece to remind her that there's still human left in her. I didn't mind that, but ultimately our relationship became... a business? Not bad, but... distant in a way. We became alone together. But still, alone.
My worlds came crashing when the two women met. I was stuck in the middle of what used to be a camaraderie that turned into a bitter rivalry. I hated myself and more than anything, wanted to stop existing to stop the pain and suffering I had caused. In a way, I did. There was no way I could make amends, and even though there came an agreement in the end, it was almost empty. We all split ways, and went back to our own relationships. But after that, none of us ever really were the same. We were all betrayed, and all alone. Even worse, I felt like a traitor.
I searched for love and acceptance elsewhere. A crossdressing male, and even a veteran hero became new adventures. I grew to love them, even if the feelings were one-sided at first. And I loved them like I loved the other two--unconditionally. It was sweet... but became a fading taste when time went by and our focus was passed over. I will always love them and what strength they've brought me. But even still, I'm on my own again.
There's very little I truly regret in life. I love every person that came into my life and took in whatever impact they left on me. They've helped me become what I am today, and made me realize that I'm worth a damn. But... I don't know. I feel.... incomplete.
Maybe... heh... I'm so selfish. I'm scared of being completely and entirely alone. Maybe that makes me a coward. I don't know. Every time I think about it, those self doubts come back. I push them away, and maybe I'm just beginning to accept... I will in the end, be alone.