Closed World, Wounds Open.

[Aryk Jay Ichijou]

I am not trying to be a depressed emo teen.... Yes, I am depressed.... but please don't hate me for this.... I do not want to compare my life to others because there will always be someone worse than you.

Lately I have been very depressed... I have been that way since a young age.... I thought that I was over it but I'm not....

I'm sorry....
I'm so sorry...

That is all I can say.... all I know how to say... in the world I grew up in.... that is all I ever heard... and all I ever had.

...

Will nothing ever change? Even when I think I'm happy.... even when things are finally looking up....

I'm sorry....

All my sorrows can only be drowned out by a fake reality.... until I'm pulled back to my world....

And in this closed world.... leaves wounds open....

 

[Windsong]

It's never as bad as you think it is.

 

[Aryk Jay Ichijou]

I know....
Yet.... people don't understand what this kind of mental sickness means.... what it is.... how to control it.

And the medicine they give.... it makes it worse.... they only want money.... so they make it worse....

I can't be helped.... no one can....

 

[Windsong]

Only you can be the change you want to see in yourself.

Also we get it. No need for all the ellipsis.

I'm sure with a quick search there are hundreds of online resources to help you cope. Physical activity always helps me. Get up, scrub that bathroom clean, go for a walk, take the dog out. Accomplish something.

 

[Aryk Jay Ichijou]

That's the thing.... I have been in therapy for quite a long time... they gave up on me.

Besides, this isn't just something I can fix easily. I've been trying... I'm sorry if you hate me....

 

[Kestrel]

I have been in therapy for quite a long time... they gave up on me.

If you are unable to escape depression, that does not mean a therapist their job ends just because you can't be 'fixed'. In fact, you would still be coached and supported. It is a therapist's job to enable your recovery or facilitate you to maintain a degree of sanity.

The reason I state this cynicism is that there are a lot of people who use depression or another condition to attract sympathy and attention they feel they lack in their daily lives. By doing so, they downplay the situation and feelings from people suffering from actual depression. In turn, others will take such issues less seriously. That can have quite hurtful consequences, for people who already have it harder than most.

There is no shame in feeling down and nobody will judge you for it. If you want to have an honest conversation about it, you've come to the right place. However I must implore you to be honest, because right now I feel that you are not. This is destructive to yourself, even. By trying to exaggerate your situation and feelings and lying about them, you are moving away from what you actually feel. You will not get what you need if you cannot sincerely address your actual problems.

So let's start over, shall we?

 

[Aryk Jay Ichijou]

Okay.... Well...
When I was younger we were always moving. Not one year did we ever stay in the same place. By the time my sister was born I was three years old and I was able to start comprehending what was going on around me.

My birth father and mother were always fighting. Whenever they would I would take my sister into our room, lock the door and hold her tight. I was so afraid. This went one for years. Every ear we were still moving. I could never make friends, and if I did, I lost them. It was the same for my sister when she came of age.

Kindergarten started and I was a loser. I would never go on the jungle gym nor the swings. One day they all dared me to climb up the round monkey bars... And I did. I wan even half way up when I started to scream and cry... Everyone made fun of me. The teacher had to come and get me down.

After that we moved every year or every half year so I was always the new girl. The only actual friend I had was my sister. And our parents fighting got worse.... Soon, it got abusive to my mom.... Shattered glass, broken noses.... And when our mom came into our room, she would hold us and cry while we listened to our father yell.

He had no right... He was always gone on the truck.... Eventually she caught him cheating. We left. We took everything and left.... The first year we stayed in one place for two years... Sure I was made fun of, bullied, used... But I was a naive kid, and I thought it was a game. One person saved me and took care of me. But when we left.... That was it....

Once in a while we would live with my moms friend and his grand daughter who we looked up to, copyed, and thought of as a sister.
Finally... Six grade.... We moved for the last time... My moms friend, now my step dad... Did everything for us.

Sadly, we still had to see our father... Our mother had gotten legal custody, but our father got to see us.

By the time we started school again reality hit me... I was punched for nothing. I was a depressed little bitch in seventh grade. Everything hit me like a bullet. Everything from the past.

Then t got worst. I started to get beat up at school... I found someone to actually help me. But it ended me in the wrong group.... I started smoking... Using pot.... And.... Cutting....

It wasn't often.. But when I did it was deep, almost to the bone.... And no one knew. My perfect grades started dropping....
In the middle of eigth grade my mom found out and I was sent with my grandma who hit me for everytime I had cut.

I didn't stop though. When I lived with her I used earaser burns .... Suddenly I did something very stupid.... I was being cyberbullied on Facebook..... I made a stupid post and got the police in evolved at my school.... I got everything blamed on me.

then I was sent to a week mental health place... I was taken by police car.... And was made fun of worse when I came back.... I was bullied again....

Finally, my freshman year.... I was with my mom again.... I was being bullied so badly I put myself into professional therapy. After a while thy put me into intensive care where I lived at the facility for 6months.... I bull shit my program.... And I wish I didn't. Only or a while longer did I go to an outpatient therapy before I was finally okay with staying at my school....

My worst mistake ever.... I was severely bullied again. So I took an mma course by begging my father pathetically over the summer... When I got back to school the next year, I was stabbed in the arm, and I still have the scar. So I punched the kid and ran. The school wouldn't do anything because I didn't see the kids face and I didn't know who they were.

After that, the next time I was going to get beat up I fought back.... And I got in trouble... For my own self defense. When I got back from my suspension I was jumped in the hallway.... I decided not to do anything... I started to cut again.... And finally.... I tried to commit suicide.... The next day I woke up perfectly fine.... Cried. Puked... Stayed home for the next thirteen days.

My mom got worried. So... I went online.... I found myself a friend... That friend turned into a girlfriend... And before I knew it.... She died of heart failure. A few days later of grief, I took every last pill I had.

It didn't work.... I threw up... Had two to three seizures... At the hospital it was so weird... They asked me about my scars and if I was still suicidal... I told them no and hat was it.

I went about the rest of my days in grief until I forgot about it.... And found another person.... That's when I was happy.... At least.... I thought I was....

So... It brings us to now.... And I don't know what to do.....

 

[Darog]

Your life really sounds outstandingly rough, like it's almost unreal the amount of stuff ,and the nature of, you've been through.

Sorry to hear that man, but I can't really offer any real advice, you just gotta keep on truckin.

 

[Aryk Jay Ichijou]

Yeah. But I've lived through it. Thank you for listening and letting me waste your time

 

[Darog]

Well, that's what most of us humans can do, is be real nice and listen to troubles and hardships.

If you need an ear to yell into, let me know, pal.

 

[Aryk Jay Ichijou]

Alright. Thank you very much.

 

[Diana]

-raises hand!- I had a childhood like this. >> One filled with abuse, molesting, attempted murder, death of family and friends, bullying, attempted suicide. The whole lifetime movie list of terrible horrible things! .__.

Now I am 32 and I am still working through depression on a daily basis BUT. BUUUUUUUUUT. Life is considerably better than what it used to be. The big changing factor for me was that I found something to put all of my energy and work in to that gave me a reason to keep living. Over time, I was finally able to remove myself from an abusive home and lifestyle and build myself a life where I am much happier. Depression is still something I have to deal with, but not on the levels it was before.

YOU CAN HANDLE IT TOO. It's hard. REALLY hard. You just have to find something you are passionate about and hold on to it. Do something small everyday that makes you feel good. (when I had NO money and NO access to help and mental support one of my favorite things was just reading or listening to music and daydreaming. It got me out of my head.)

You can make it, but you have to choose to, and you have to work really hard. :( It will feel impossible almost all of the time, but I promise you it's not.

 

[Aryk Jay Ichijou]

-raises hand!- I had a childhood like this. >> One filled with abuse, molesting, attempted murder, death of family and friends, bullying, attempted suicide. The whole lifetime movie list of terrible horrible things! .__.

Now I am 32 and I am still working through depression on a daily basis BUT. BUUUUUUUUUT. Life is considerably better than what it used to be. The big changing factor for me was that I found something to put all of my energy and work in to that gave me a reason to keep living. Over time, I was finally able to remove myself from an abusive home and lifestyle and build myself a life where I am much happier. Depression is still something I have to deal with, but not on the levels it was before.

YOU CAN HANDLE IT TOO. It's hard. REALLY hard. You just have to find something you are passionate about and hold on to it. Do something small everyday that makes you feel good. (when I had NO money and NO access to help and mental support one of my favorite things was just reading or listening to music and daydreaming. It got me out of my head.)

You can make it, but you have to choose to, and you have to work really hard. :( It will feel impossible almost all of the time, but I promise you it's not.

Thank you. I am glad that you are feeling so much better from your past and I hope that one day I could have the motivation enough to be like you. Thank you.