EXERCISE Challenge #7: The Heart

Discussion in 'REFINING WRITING' started by Fluffy, Feb 8, 2015.

  1. The Heart


    In the spirit of Valentine's Day, I've chosen this week's theme to be hearts. That way we aren't totally limited to the holiday being what the poem's about. You're welcome to interpret the theme how you wish, and set it to the mood of your choosing. However, if I see anyone write something obscenely hateful, I will throw my big ol' foot at their guts. :3 So yeah, keep that in mind.

    As well, I've selected a poetry style for us to use. That style is called a Cinquain. This is made up of five lines, none of which rhyme with each other. The structure is as follows:

    Line 1: 2 syllables
    Line 2: 4 syllables
    Line 3: 6 syllables
    Line 4: 8 syllables
    Line 5: 2 syllables

    I'm excited to see what my participants can come up with. <3 Happy Hearts Day.
  2. Cartwheels

    Each day,
    you make my heart
    feel like doing cartwheels.
    Please, excuse my clumsiness; I
    love you.
    #2 Fluffy, Feb 8, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2015
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  3. Well, time to see how I do in Poetry! :P

    My heart
    It got stolen
    By an amazing girl
    So tell me why hers is so hard
    to get?
    • Love Love x 1
  4. Well now,
    here we now lay
    glistening bodies tied.
    Who was it that said romance died?
    They lied.

    I realize after a few minutes I didn't use the theme of the challenge. Ahem. >.>

    But I like it is the way it is.
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  5. Heart Shaped
    fingers, thumbs pressed.
    In bleak cavernous love
    with a cordless phone on my lap
    I'll Wait.
    • Love Love x 1
  6. Winter

    The light
    Never found you,
    And you felt so alone.
    We tried to thaw your heart; You were
    So cold.

    (Hmm, well that was a bit cliche, as well as not really about love and such things.
    Let's try this again.)


    True love
    It is not harsh,
    But something between friends,
    Who'll give up their lives - to prevent
    an end.

    (And.... I still don't like it. I GIVE UP, THESE CINQUAINS ARE TOO HARD.)
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  7. A series of Dark Poems, coming your way! :D



    Swollen limbs, dead.

    Her memories, gone now.
    Psychosis is her demon always.

    Gone? No.

    Death's Core


    Flee forever.

    My demons' haunt me now, always.

    Death's core entrapping me, cold, silent.

    I fall.
    • Love Love x 1
  8. He Stomped On Both
    by Isaac James Flores

    Last year,
    I gave my heart
    shaped box of chocolates
    to the boy with eyes—almond brown—
    of lies.

    Note: I am glad you decided to do structured poetry this week. I have been reading some articles about the death of structured poetry in America, since free-verse has become so dominant, and I believe that these sorts of things help! In response, I have decided I really want to start writing more structured poetry.
    • Love Love x 1
  9. I was busy yesterday, so I didn't get a chance to look at any of the other entries!

    I really like the gentility that you used here when crafting the poem. It reminds me of Sara Teasdale or Emily Dickinson, except they probably wouldn't have used such a word like cartwheels, which suggests a lot of movement and action. Their writing was much more soft than that. So, in a way, you have a volta within a cinquain. Lines 1-3 are very action-oriented, as if you yourself are doing cartwheels in front of your beloved. Lines 4-5 are the reprieve; when you suddenly stop, breathe in, and whisper, "Please excuse my clumsiness. I love you." This is how I interpreted it, and I found it to be a lovely effect.

    I like this one a lot as well, but there are a few more issues with it. I liked the theme of the poem, even if I only have a vague idea as to its meaning. To me, the poem paints a scene of a couple being buried together in an act of undying romance. However, I had to dig for that meaning. I'm the sort of writer and reader who likes crisp, clear, and to-the-point writing.

    Technically, this piece isn't a cinquain, since lines 3-5 all rhyme. The use of the word "now" seems a bit redundant. Especially in smaller poems like these, repeated words in such close proximity simply break up the flow. Line 2 seems a bit choppy, but you probably fix that by changing it to, "here now we lay." If not, most people will certainly read it that way anyways. Other than that, I really liked it. :)

    Don't give up! Writing structured poetry can be difficult, but if you use the forms correctly, you can create very powerful, poignant poetry. Good luck! I really liked "Winter" btw.