WRITING 書。cavernous writings

ピタゴラス

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step into my mind of depersonalization / dissociation

[ this was incredibly difficult to write. but welcome to my mind. this is just to help me come to terms with what i experience on a partially regular basis. describing my experience for others has always been difficult, but..i did it. ]

i don’t know, am i okay? am i living? am i me? why am i..me? when i look in the mirror, i don’t recognize that person. that person is a stranger. i’m terrified of them, and i want them to go away and leave me alone. my fingers tremor as they stare back at me, and i dart out of the bathroom and collapse to my weakened knees, with ragged breaths and saline tears. i slowly realize that i lack an identity, and suddenly my surroundings appear to be flat, two-dimensional and terrifyingly unrealistic.

i sob loudly, i squeeze my eyes shut, and then i beg for it to stop. i’m curled up on the carpet, far too terrified to stand and lay in bed properly. i lay there for hours at a time, and my neck grows stiff and sore, but so stubbornly, i refuse to move. i want to be real. i don’t want to feel like this. i lose track of the time that seems to pass so slowly, and i’m late to my afternoon class for the millionth time. i want to get up, but i physically can’t.

it feels like i’m being controlled. like i’m not in control of myself. i’m a rag doll without a purpose. nothing is real.
 
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ピタゴラス

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just a place where i post things if i’m feelin’ inspirational, or if i’ve caught the blues . also where i post if im in a writing slump.

upload_2018-4-12_19-34-57.gif

six feet under、

seconds continue to pass—and so do minutes, alongside hours and days, to months, years, multiple decades. he feels as if he has not accomplished yet a single thing, but bless his precious heart—for he does at least genuinely try to make his life worth living. he masks his emotions quite well, blending in with the rather joyful individuals that surround and envelop his frail body. however, he is very exhausted, and wishes to try no longer. he wishes to sink within his own bed, falling into a relatively heavy rest. however, those soft, lingering voices always find a way to consume his thoughts—excruciatingly slow, taking small pieces greedily, consuming them as if they were bittersweet chocolate morsels. he was very well alive and breathing as it appeared when his tangible appearance had been observed, but in actuality he had been buried alive, nearly dragged to hell itself. he kicked, and fought for his life, not particularly having the desire to be forcibly consumed by his own thoughts. he questioned and scolded himself for continuing to put up a fight—why had he not given up already? why had he continued to be stubborn, when he was very well aware that he was only torturing himself? the fruit would most definitely bear none other than spitefulness. he carried the weight of the heavens on his back since his fruitful youth, and it had finally begun to wear down on him. arms had sprouted from the roots deep within the earth’s soil, grasping him by the neck in an attempt to deplete his lungs of the oxygen that had been needed for his survival.

he was not sure if he should give up.

maybe he could not win this fight, after all.


maybe he would just close his eyes.

falling into an eternal sleep was what he yearned for.
[/hr]
 
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ピタゴラス

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melatonin​
1540730233814.png
melatonin is the greatest

he’s always there to help me
close my eyes
during the nights when the air
swathing me
is frigid

even if nightmares arise
shortly after
melatonin is the greatest friend
he lulls me to sleep
and plagues my thoughts
with pleasant words

melatonin isn’t the greatest friend
he no longer helps me
to sleep
but instead

he watches me
silently

as i watch the shadows
in the corner of my room
because they’ve grown tired
of me

as i grow tired

of myself
1540730233814.png
 
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ピタゴラス

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181949
i’ve fallen in love

his eyes are like vibrant seas of green grass

and his cheeks are dusted naturally with pink

the beaded chakra bracelets that adorn his wrists enhance his beauty

and he smells pleasantly of pine trees and freshly picked cherries

i want to hold him within my arms forever

he is precious to me

i love you


181950
 

ピタゴラス

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sweep me away, it hurts but it’s not like i don’t like it, baby. masochism, i like the pain.
 
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ピタゴラス

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as the role play gradually progresses I tend to become moderately aggressive since I have more of a feel for it, and I will throw ideas at you 24/7 be warned lmao
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i am loved
i am loved
i am loved
but am i
really
 
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ピタゴラス

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as the role play gradually progresses I tend to become moderately aggressive since I have more of a feel for it, and I will throw ideas at you 24/7 be warned lmao
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I’ve been running on only an hour of sleep each night.
i feel pins and needles eagerly prickling at my arms.
all the way down to the tips of my fingers.
i’mwso tired.
and i can’t escape from the professor who
keeps bringing up Denzel Washington
for whatever reason.
my neck is stiff.
my back hurts.
but i’llstill listen to john lennon
and sleep with ambient lighting
 

ピタゴラス

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my mind teetering on the brink of sleep
i need to sleep
desperately
i become jittery
my reflexes become slowed
the world becomes Somewhat blurry
i cant remember how to spell certain words
and make stupid grammatical errors
my eyes are bloodshot
maybe it was the leftover pumpkin spice coffee i had at 7 pm which was stupid of me
caffeine keepsn you awake doesnt it
yeah
yeah maybe ilthats it
maybebthats the root of my problems
what am i rambling abT
good nighr
 

ピタゴラス

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as the role play gradually progresses I tend to become moderately aggressive since I have more of a feel for it, and I will throw ideas at you 24/7 be warned lmao
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not worth the love
 
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ピタゴラス

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i’m suffering a migraine and my eyes are bloodshot it’s 11 at night

i’m trying to remember the last time i got a hug

i don’t remember

i don’t remember

i don’t remember

i don’t remember
 

ピタゴラス

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i look in the mirror at my ugly face and quite honestly i don’t know who the fuck that is but it’s a monster staring back at me

i’m not me

i’m not myself

who is the monster who am i

am i the monster

i can’t look anymore

get the fuck away from me

i just want to sleep
 

ピタゴラス

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i don’t talk about my problems anymore because it’s bothersome to my friends but i listen to theirs

because i love them ):

i do talk to myself to cope

is that weird?

definitely

my hands are cold but i’m too tired to get up and turn the heater on, my legs and stomach are in pain

i am cold

very cold

colder than ever

i am my own therapist

i recently cut my hair shorter to try and feel prettier but it made me feel the opposite, knew i should have just gone to the hairdresser

my stomach hurts as i type this

i feel nervous and alone and jittery for no reason

i’m so cold

so cold

So cold

I’ve been resisting the urge to call up my ex

and ask him if i can come over again

and ask if we can cuddle again so that i can feel warmth and be warm

i’m growing tired

i have a three hour class to go to in the morning and i dread it already, but i won’t drop the course

i’m tired and cold

i really need to buy more concealer To go under my eyes, to hide the lack of sleep

i’m so tired
 
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ピタゴラス

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i’m hurting physically and mentally

my stomach is still in pain, and so are my calves

i stayed over at my ex’s apartment again

is he even my ex anymore?

he’s toxic

so toxic

but i’m addicted

he knows what he’s doing

he knows that i’ve succumbed

i‘m getting a migraine

an hour before i have to go to class

and sit through an agonizing lecture

i’m hurting

but at least i’m warm

at least i’m not alone anymore

and his arms are around me

and i like that

a lot

i don’t want to wake him up

even though i need ibuprofen

because i love him

i don’t want to inconvenience him

ever

i love him

i love him

i love him

i love him

i love him

i love him

i love him

and i’m falling back into my bad habits

if i cry now i’ll wake him up

i’m so tired again
 

ピタゴラス

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as the role play gradually progresses I tend to become moderately aggressive since I have more of a feel for it, and I will throw ideas at you 24/7 be warned lmao
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i’m in so much pain

i feel like i’m dying

my stomach

and my legs

why won’t they stop hurting

i feel nauseous

and i want to throw up

just puke out my intestines

i’m never this miserable

never

it hurts to move

i’m sure i’d fall straight to my knees

if i tried to get up

i’ll just lay here a while

i guess

alone
 

ピタゴラス

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as the role play gradually progresses I tend to become moderately aggressive since I have more of a feel for it, and I will throw ideas at you 24/7 be warned lmao
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why can’t you fucking hear me​
 
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ピタゴラス

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withdrawal
11/9/2019
9:29 PM
my current state

I feel jittery

and nauseous

and cold

and i can’t think

and i can’t calm down

i’ve been writing like this

a lot

because this is how i cope

i’m afraid to be a burden to the friends i think i have

typical withdrawal symptoms

calm down

i’ll be ok

i’ll be fine

now i’m suddenly hot

and burning up

the room feels hot but it’s so cold

why

my legs are still in pain

where is the food i ordered

i’m so hungry but i want to throw up

the thought of eating is suddenly making me sick

to my stomach

i’m so exhausted

i have a paper to write

if i don’t write it my professor will crucify me

that’s ok​
 

ピタゴラス

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alone
11/10/19
6:47 AM
my current state


i’m craving human contact again

and i just woke up

and i’m jittery again

am i being a nuisance to my ex

am i being bothersome

probably so

i should call him

again

i shouldn’t

i won’t

i’m cold

but the heater will do

i’ll cope

I feel my stomach acid burning my throat

acid reflux is something that i’ve struggled with

and i hate it

and it hates me

my stomach is in pain

i feel nauseous

and cold

even beneath these fleece sheets

breathing is hard

i’m wheezing

and coughing

like i do every Morning
 

ピタゴラス

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depression
11/11/19
10:33 AM
current state

i’m drained
and tired
and hungry
but
i don’t feel like getting out of bed
or doing anything for that matter
typing this is so exhausting
and i’m still jittery and sick
i know people read this thread
and think
“what the hell is wrong with them”
that’s ok
but
this is what severe mental illness
is like
and writing like this
is how i cope
so please don’t
invalidate me
thank you
and love you
keep going for me
because i care
i care about you
love you
have a great day
and make the most of it
goodbye
 

ピタゴラス

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as the role play gradually progresses I tend to become moderately aggressive since I have more of a feel for it, and I will throw ideas at you 24/7 be warned lmao
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worthless
11/13/19
4:53 AM
current state​


i woke up at the devil’s hour
my phone was almost dead
and from there
i couldn’t sleep
it’s hard to breathe
i’m wheezing and coughing again
i’m in pain
and sick
my throat is in pain
i don’t want to go to work
i’m so tired
and cold
and alone
nothing new
always alone
and cold
 

ピタゴラス

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as the role play gradually progresses I tend to become moderately aggressive since I have more of a feel for it, and I will throw ideas at you 24/7 be warned lmao
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withdrawal nightmare
11/13/19
6:11 AM
current state
i’m fucking trembling
so bad
and incoherent
and my throat is dry
apparently i fell back asleep
and i had a traumatic nightmare
that my mother lost her life
in the most gruesome way
that wouldn’t be
appropriate to share here
i can’t properly describe how i feel
it’s hard to spell and think properly because i just woke up
it’s hard to see because i’m fucking sobbing
and my tears are blurry
and my chest is tight
and i have a headache
on the left side of my brain
it was just a nightmare
it was just a nightmare
it was just a nightmare
it was just a nightmare
it was just a nightmare
it was just a nightmare
it was just a nightmare
they get worse
as my withdrawal symptoms get worse
i have to call her regardless
and make sure
she’s ok
and make sure
everything is
ok
fuck
i feel like a fucking child again
i won’t let myself relapse
again
 
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