Can I Really Trust In My Battered Heart?

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XxPoisonousBlueRoseOfDeathxX

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~*Deanaria Miozoti was a girl with such poor health at only the age of 10 that she had been forced to become bed ridden for many years after. Now at the age of 16 she was locked up in a hospital, or the confinements of the four walls of her room in her home. Her illness was rare yet still happened to the poor souls that are unlucky enough to have felt the heart break so strong that in turn forced them to go into themselves, for them to wish for death. Slowly the illness would eat ones soul away, slowing once heart slowly and painfully until finally it beat no more. The feeling of loneliness, shame, depression, self pity, guilt, unsatisfaction, darkness and finally doubt.

Doubt something so unbeautiful, deep with scars which in turn leaves vines along once heart and forces them to completely blacken towards others. The feelings of being alone will remain and as someone moved to open the heart which was wrapped in total darkness, one would notice that it was useless to try and get them to trust, to open up and leave the dark void of hatred. Deanaria knew, very well she knew, that even a broken heart can be broken. She didn't trust, she didn't wonder off towards something she knew could effect her even more. Just stayed trapped in total darkness, in this lifeless life she calls life...

It was surprising how she was alive...7 years with this illness and still she lived on. Forward. In the prison of her own heart, of her own home, her own family. A burden she knew she was. Males, when she was able to go to balls or party's, would deny her a dance, just one, afraid that she would fall and die in their arms as if a plague. Courted she was not. Ever, no one stared or looked or even fancied another glance towards her. Then again who would when she had two beautiful older sisters which were healthy and completely reliable to give birth. To not die at any moments notice. At age 16, marriageable by law and still nothing! Not even...not even flowers given unless it was for health and oh! Oh where they from only her father.

She sighed, looking out into the beautiful sky, filled with rays of purple, pink, blue and orange. The sun slowly sitting as she stared at the beautiful white birds that flapped their wings in desperation to be free, to break free more than they were. Oh how she wished so strongly to become...the sky, big and free and reaching everywhere it wished. Or a bird that could so easily move from place to place. She was more like a trapped bird, with wings clipped. She looked down at herself, her pale skin not a beauty...but sickly. She had curly raven black hair, so dark it seemed to suck in light. She had beautiful blue eyes full of despair and death, pain. Though her face mirrored beauty, it held such solemn and unhappy look that it seemed the beauty was in shame. No lines from laughter on her face, no...no happiness shined within, nothing.

Her face was nicely formed, nice arched eyebrows and long black lashes that cast a shadow over her slightly gray looking skin. She had a small nose and plump kissable lips, pink in color yet still pale, seeming unhealthy. Healthy lips were like moist pink silk which was soft at the touch. She had on a nice white gown which surprisingly did show her curvacious body. The very well endowed bosom and a small fine waist, the flat stomach that seemed to complement the swell of her hips and the finely made darer. The gown would hug the thick thighs and nice slender legs, though not long. She was a small thing about 4'11 or 5'1 in height.

The year was 2043 and time was entirely consumed by party's, freedom, circus's, businesses, and so on and so forth. Nothing has changed much from the world she had heard about, 2012. Maybe just a little, technology is raging even more and the economy is entirely healthy. The holes in the atmosphere fixed, people lived on the moon, once again so on and so forth. She takes in a deep breath and looked down at her lap. She was sitting on a wheel chair, the...prison of her. Well some of it at least. She finally let out a tired sigh, whispering into the nothingness that was in her presence "I thought the problem was my bloody heart, not my legs..."

With one more sigh she called upon a nurse to push her into the garden and once there, she let the nurse go. Deanaria had been given a clicker so that when it was time to go in she could click on it and call. Stupid hospitals and there rules. She took in a deep breath and let her eyes wonder about the beautiful rose garden that was placed behind the hospital. This garden was payed to be put here with real roses for her...good thing that because she never felt lonely while she took care of them*~
 
His name is Julian Shadow. When he was little, just a new born baby he'd been forced to stay at the hospital because he also had a problem with his heart. It didn't happen often but sometimes he'd just stop breathing and he felt like he was going into black waters, and sometimes he hoped he'd just stay there. He sighed softly as he walked on cruthches as a nurse followed but he waved her off and she left him be. He had beautiful frost white hair that sleeked back to try and touch the back of his neck. He had icy blue eyes that had paled over the years and it actually looked good. He tried to smile around people to maybe give them hope...... But no one knew the great pain he was in now.

He walked the garden with clicks of the crutches and he looked around, he wanted black roses around here. The only hope he ever got was from music..... Music could tell a story or just tell you feeling but it helped him so much. Right now he hummed 'Welcome to the Black Parade' by My Chemical Romance. The band was very old in this time, because they were dead but he loved their music the most.
 
It had taken her at least three minutes to check around, making sure no one saw what she was about to do next. Finally she let herself get up from the stupid wheelchair, and push it with all her strength towards the bushes. She watched as it disappeared into the beautiful green and grinned at her achievement. She felt light headed but then again, who wouldn't after being forced to sit down most of their lives? With that she started to walk, missing the feeling of being able to do this so much. Finally she reached the starting to bloom roses and let herself get down, ignoring the fact that she was still in the stupid hospital gown made specifically for her, and started to water them.

She heard movement to her left and really didnt look up until she was finished watering the beautys she was still in the progress of making. Looking over finally, she noticed the young male and blushed. He was wonderfully handsome, something about him just stood out. Maybe the pain in his features when he thought no one was looking or the way his eyes sparkled with the same mysteriousness as hers. Slumping her shoulders she looks away...she couldnt keep a conversation going with some one even if it costs her her life....then again why not give it a shot? Blushing she would look over at him again and then raised her hand up and wave. Speaking loudly so he can hear her, "Hello! Want to help me out with something?"

There was no smile on her face or any emotion, 'cept that small blush on her cheeks which made one think she was with fever or actually embarrassed, it made her eyes sparkle with life it seemed. Blushing at him she tries to smile, and it was a small smile to, just lifting up the corners of her mouth. She waited for him to move towards her.
 
Julian blinked eyes as he finally saw the girl, it took him a few seconds to figure out she's talked to him. He walked over and nodded, "Sure, what are you doing?" he gave a smile that was hollow. He was just a she trying to act like the real person he use to be but at least he tried instead of hiding in a corner or something. The reason he had crutches now because of his leg. He'd broken it just two weeks ago thanks to him not breathing. It scared everyone so much about something like that because what would happen in the night? Your not around to see if he's laughing or making a noise, he could stop breathing and no one would know. That thought occurred to him..... Would dying in your sleep be painless? He shook his head and stiffened up, he'd been silent and awkwardly queit. "Err.... I'm Julian" maybe he could just wave off such a thing.

He looked passed the girl for a moment to see the flowers she was working on. His favorite flowers were Blue Bells and Black Roses but no such flowers grew and he'd asked if they would plant some but of course they said they would and nothing happened. He sighed, he lost intrest in the flowers then his gaze went back to the girl. Why was she here? He wondered to himself but didn't ask. He used his crutches to support some of his weight as he waited.
 
She didnt smile back at all, she just nodded in acknowledgement. She gently tilts her head gently and stares at him before waving him over "I was wondering if you could do this with me? I've been trying to grow these roses for a while. They are actually black roses....but they still look blue to me." She trails off and turns back to face the still closed roses. She gently handed him the water and states "If its not that much of a trouble of course....if you dont want to then its ok." Truthfully all she needed was someone to talk to that didnt look at her with pity. That can understand what its like to stay stuck in a freaking hospital for almost all their lives.

Looking down she gently stands up and crosses her arms under her breasts, ignoring the fact that she didnt have a bra and that this pronounced them a bit more than usual, and just waited patiently for him to start to water the plants. She would take in a deep breath and say "My names Deanaria...its a pleasure meeting you Julian" Really was. He didnt have that same amount of pity as most people did when they walked up to her. It was...it was very relaxing truthfully. Not stressing. And in truth...she was wondering if she could be friends with this almost silent lad.
 
Julian nodded and took the water, he set his crutches aside and knelt down to water some of the plants. The girl was right.....They were Black Roses and it made him give off a real smile. "I love black roses.....Their my favorite" he spoke up to see if he could keep a conversation going. People thought it was odd for him to like black roses since they actually mean death but he never cared. Julian knew a lot about flowers and their meanings like White Roses meant Purity, Red Tulips meant Undying Love, and then he remembered one very well, The Amaryliss which meant Beauty of Odds.

He sighed as he had to stand up so his leg could get stretched out. He was wearing a white t-shirt and black jeans, he'd been able to get out of wearing those stupid hospital gowns. They made him feel akward and it just reminded him he had no freedom or life. "I hope this isn't rude but why are you here?" to him she didn't look sick unlike the other patients he'd seen. Maybe he'd been trapped in his hospital room for too long.
 
She looked over at him and the instant she saw the real smile she couldnt help but finally smile herself. It kinda shocked her, she has not smiled in months. Maybe years. Gently tilting her head, the smile disappearing as quickly as it had appeared she would nod softly. "I love black roses to but dad wouldn't let me get them. That was until i faced him head on and told him i was dieing anyway, so the meaning of the black rose wont mean much to me...i just love them" She let her gaze go right back down to her lap, a small sigh escaping her parted her lips before she continued to care for the bushes, taking out dead leaves and so on and so forth.

After a while she watched him get up and did the same thing herself since in all reality she was kinda cramped up. She noticed the height difference instantly and almost pouted. While she was at a 5'1 he seemed to be a god 5'11 or taller. Or maybe it was her, she didn't know his height. Tilting her head at the sudden question, she replied back truthfully. "I am dieing. Though i know i don't look sick or anything...i have a weak heart." She let her gaze turn back over to the sky, watching as the sun kept sinking lower and lower into the horizon. Best part of having the hospital right on top of the hill that lead down to a beach was that they got to see the ocean view. Letting her eyes turn to him again she continues "With every day that passes i can feel my heart slowing down. You see the disease i have is so rare, that not even the doctors know what to do with it."

Looking away from him, she let her eyes shut. This was awkward. She has never really told someone about this before. Letting out a small sigh she continues "Its called 'Heartbreak'. You are so heartbroken that you wish not to live any more, and because of that your heart does as the mind wishes. It starts to break down. My mother died from this as well. When i was 10." There are so many things she wishes to experience. Riding a bike, dancing in front of a huge crowd like she used to do, being able to join the circus as she had wanted many years of her life. Really, it depresses her very much how she also traps herself into this kind of lonely abyss. She knew that she could walk, so why not dance? Because everyone doesn't let her. If she walks she gets scolded...if she dances she becomes trapped in her bed. She is done with being rebellious like she used to do when young. She knew very well that they were doing this for her own health. Only one more year to live...another sigh escaped her lips.
 
Jess shivered at the thought then touched his chest, trying to feel the beat of a heart. "I have a heart problems too..... Expect mind can stop and I just begin to fall until someone brings me back" he sighed softly as he looked down at a watch that didn't work anymore.

"You don't have to be depressed...." he trailed off. Why should he be saying such things when he wanted to die just as much then he changed the subject to something maybe she would like. "Do you like music?" he asked. It was the second jot in his life and he sang everyday, some people would come listen to such music because it'd been forgotten.
 
Deanaria had to admit that she herself had been curious as to what kind of illness he had that he was here herself, in truth the fake facade had told her he was just like her in some expect. She was in shock of course that it was almost in the same department. Taking in a deep breath she turned her eyes right back to the ocean while stating "I wish i could not be depressed. I don't wish to die at all. I want to live happily and have a family and experience romance and the list goes on but sadly enough i cant. My life is depression itself and it wont change, i know that."

She wanted them both to stop the fake facades and act like they act when they are alone but in truth that was way to intimate. They barely knew each other and to show the true self's to one another is a bit to fast in this kind of...whatever kind of relationship they had towards each other. Taking in a deep breath and closing her eyes she reply's back with the truth. "Music, dancing and art is my passions. I cant do anything with those now though. I cant play my instruments and i cant listen to music because it disrupts the balance of my emotions which can cause more stress to my already straining heart. I cant dance because the passion i hold for it is more overwhelming than my depression and can cause me to die faster and also that needs music to be done. I at least do have the small pleasure of sketching but in truth i wish i could mold, paint and sculpt something again. I miss it a lot. But yes, i love music i guess...just cant listen to it any more"
 
Julian sighed softlh and nodded, "Music is my life......The only thing that keeps me going" he closed his eyes. Everyone he'd held so close to had been cut right out of his heart, making him bleed more and more. In truth he had nothing to live for but for some reason he did. It was the promise he'd given to his brother that he'd heal and live on. He could play gutair and the piano but he hadn't touched his gutair in a while and no piano existed in the hospital. He had no artistic skills for drawing or anything like that. He pressed his lips together as he re-opened his eyes which looked even more hollow then before so he just sat on the ground and picked at one of the black roses. He snapped the stem and put it on the ground to die, ever since he'd gotten to the hospital his emotions had gone off a little. He could act happy but when a memory or words hit him in the wrong way, he could become very viscious person. "I'm sorry to bother you" he began to stand up and reached for his crutches. "I have no bussniess intruding onto your past life and this life" he began to walk away.

He began to head to hospital, back to the lonely room where no one would visit him. The reason for that was because he didn't exist in such a place or at least that's what he thought all the time. A worthless person, pathetic......A mistake. Those words ran through his head and he wanted to fight......He wanted to release such anger on someone to let them know such and what it was really like but he just supressed such a feeling and dropped his head as he got to the door. He just wanted to go home and hope to have a regular life but that would never happen now......Not after his little 'attempts' He walked back to the room and slammed away his crutches from anger and just frustration.
 
"Oh...wait you dont have to go. I have no one to speak with so i think its truly fine." And there he went. She sighs a bit and looks down at the roses before remembering something. Taking an open flower she would softly smile, and taking her pen and paper out of her pocket she wrote down her room number and what floor. She easily let herself walk over to him, before he was able to reach the door and put it into his hands. With that she let him walk away, knowing that the horrors of his past haunt him. She waved gently and sighed before walking back over to the garden. Her nurses voice boomed "What are you doing out of the wheel chair?! Where is your wheel chair?!" She groans in total dislike before answering "I dont have it. I pushed it off of the edge of the cliff."

She grins a bit at her nurses reaction. For some odd reason, she was in a playful mood. As rare as that is...she enjoyed it. Maybe it was because of the man she had ended up meeting. Or the kid actually since he was around her age she guessed. Oh she forgot to ask. Tilting her head to the side she stares at the door that he had walked over to and then shrugged. The nurse easily taking her towards the doors herself since she had to go upstairs to her room. She groaned. She wanted to go home...
 
Julian clenched the note as he kept walking. He felt a twinge of pain..... Was he hurting her? She wasn't aloud to listen to music and he'd mentioned it. Or was she happy to talk to someone? He set the note down the note down on the small desk and flopped on the bed. It took him forever to fall asleep, for two reason. One was that he was afraid to die and two was that he would start sleep walking around the hospital. It was a wonder that they didn't monitor him, 24/7. He sighed as his eyes opened and close with tiredness. He hadn't slept for at least a day now and he didn't feel like eating either. It felt revolting to eat such things and it was no help at all. He finally closed his eyes into a dream state.....

After just a few minutes he was up and walking. Sleep walking. He opened his room door and was going to where Deanaria stayed. For some reason that was implanted into him and he just wanted to find her. He kept stumbling and his room alarm went off and the nurses went looking for him. He made it to Deanaria's room but collapsed in from of the door way. He began to mumble about something and was still asleep through the small chaos as they searched for him, they weren't looking very hard and he could feel himself going into the black waters but he didn't want to wake up.....
 
She had actually taken a shower and was sketching his face into her notebook. She couldn't sleep like usual and not only that but she felt like watching Bleach, adult swim was coming up around ten that Friday so better just to stay up later than usual. She jumped and did a wrong line with her pencil. Wincing she erased it and looked at the door where the thump has been heard from. The hell? She got off of the bed and walked over to the door, opening up and gasping when something fell onto her legs, which in turn made her fall onto her butt since she was just that weak. Blushing gently she stared at his sleeping face and smiled softly, until she noticed his breathing starting to slow down or well, just cut off.

Gasping in surprise she would reach over and tug at the emergency line near the door and instantly a Doctor came running over. She would pull her new friend up so his upper half of his body rested against her small form and the doctor instantly checked on him before calling in the nurses. They had him on a bed and out of there in less than five minutes and though she was worried, she knew her doctor would take care of him. She had told him he would lose his job if he didnt, her father would actually do it if she was displeased. She hated doing that but the doctors here were the top notch and could have cured half the patients here in less than a day but were just to lazy to do it.

Getting up from where she was placed on the floor she would close the door once more and walk over to her bed, putting the things to the side table before pulling her blanket up over her legs. She laid back against the pillows before turning off the TV and letting her radio blast up instantly. "What if the Devil was alive? What if God did not exist? So with all due respect, tell me what is death, if life is just a myth? I see the evil in their eyes...i hear the lies behind their grin...wonder in the dark, do not have a heart, let it take you in! Brace for impact..." Then it turned into screamo. She would cross her legs a bit and sigh gently while pushing her hair out of her eyes, her eyes looking up at the ceiling, the darkness in the room making her feel comfortable and safe, cold. Falling In Reverse made songs that connected with her it seemed.
 
Julian felt and he began to wake up but he couldn't breath until someone put a breathing mask on him roughly and he snorted then a thought occurred to him..... For some reason his dream had been about Deanaria dying and Someboy trying to save her. His pale icy blue eyes widen and he struggled to get up and go check but he'd already forgotten her room number. "Let me go!" he twisted around but had to give up, he was still trying to get his breathing back up and the nurses were a lot stronger then him. He gave a slight whimper as they took him away from his room and began to lay him on a metal table, they hooked him up to so many different wires. Three of them went deep into the sides of his stomach. After he'd stopped breathing they'd always put him here for at least a day..... He hated it because he wasn't aloud to move, all the wires began to hurt after a while, and above all no one was there with him. They always dimmed the lights and left him, like they were already signing his death papers. He sighed as he began to think of a song.

This is what I brought you, This you can keep this. This is what I brought you, you may forget me. I promise to departure, just promise me one thing. Kiss my eyes and lay me down to sleep. Woah, woah, woah, oh-woah. This is what I brought, this you can keep, This is what I brought you, you may forget me. I promise to give you my heart but just promise to sing. Kiss my eyes and lay me down to sleep. Woah, woah, woah, oh-woah. This is what I thought, I thougt you needed me, this is what I thought, so don't call me naive. Kiss my eyes and lay me down to sleep..... Kiss my eyes and lay me down to sleep..... Kiss my eyes and lay me down to
sleep.


He sighed as he looked around the white room, nothing but a hell hole here. He tried to move a little then felt something odd..... Was he really finally giving up? His arm just felt to dead to move. He began to panic a little but then calmed down, "I just need some sleep...." he said to himself, trying to reassuring.
 
Her doctor had come in a few minutes later and she had had to turn off the music to listen to what he had had to say. Finally when he had finished she was already up and putting on her sandals before fixing her hair in a messy bun and walking out without a word. She reached the room they had him in after a bit of questioning about and finally she reached the place. She had no idea why she worried so much but then again...he was the only one she had talked to in years other than her father, sisters and her doctor with a few nurses. She opened the door and walked inside, seeing him instantly and she actually felt tears prickle the back of her eyes. How can they leave someone like this all alone? Even if it was just for a little while. Who would want to die like this? Walking over to the table she made sure not to touch any tubes before taking his hand softly into her own.

After a bit more she leaned over his face, noticing his eyes were open yet kinda dazed. She blushed gently and smiled, ignoring how the tears actually fell onto his cheeks. Why did she get so attached to a boy she only knew for less than hour? What is it that attracts her to him? She smiles instantly, not wanting him to notice how worried she was. "Hey. How are you feeling? I hope you get better soon." She reaches over and pushes his bangs away from his eyes before blushing gently and taking in a deep calming breath. What is it that she will have to do...to make him not go to sleep for a while? Licking her lips gently she states "You know, when you get out of here, the blue roses might be ready for you to see them open up."
 
Julian blinked his eyes as he felt something fall onto his cheeks, and he gave a small smile as Deanaria came into veiw. He shifted a little realizing he was on this stupid table and attatched to, too many things. His ears rang as she spoke and he lifted a dead weight arm to take of the breathing mask that covers both his nose and mouth. "I'm doing better......I can breathe but I hate being here, everything hurts and im up here alone" he sighed as he took a deep breath but it was a little ragged. "They told me I might be getting another surgery tomorrow morning......So I might be stuch here for a little" he explained a little.

He felt so happy that'd she'd visited him so soon.....Then he sort of chuckled at himself, "The thing is......I think I was looking for you during my sleep walk.......I'm glad your ok" he was forced to slide the breathing mask on as his words got more spaced out and it hurt to breathe. He sighed as he felt the needles more and more, why did they have to be so painful? Couldn't they at least give him some pain medicine?
 
"Are the doctors treating you accordingly? The pain pills, the water, the checking in every thirty minutes?" She asked him while putting his hand back down since she didn't want him moving. She had had a dream she wanted to become a doctor for one in her life and she had read everything about the law of being a doctor and a nurse. She had photographic memory so that helped her out a lot. She gently grinned at him while pushing a bit more hair away from his eyes, looking over at the door, noticing nurses and doctors actually leaning against the door to strain and listen.

Turning her attention right back at him she looks at him with hard eyes "Tell me and i'll set them straight. You are supposed to be given pain pills for this table. Unless your allergic but i doubt it... And if they really are not treating your correctly i'm going to straighten them out. They know better to begin with, my father owns this hospital and even my dad states they follow the rules or get fired." Shrugging gently she grins down at him softly.
 
"No way.... My brother use to work here, Abd any free time he got he'd go down to the free clinic. You know the one down town?" down town wasn't the best of places. Always getting robbed, finding dead bodies that belong to homeless kids, and no one there to take care of them. Julian's brother worked down there for free and usually Julian would go with him and he loved when his brother was his doctor. Julian smiled a little at the thought then he frowned at the question. He didn't want to get them in trouble or anything but it hurt more mental wise that they could up and leave him. He sighed before answering, "No...... It's fine though, it doesn't hurt" his face was straight and no emotion crossed. Being physically hurt would heal but mental hurt that'd never heal.

"It's fine..... I'm just happy someone actually visited." Julian gave another smile before putting he mask back on. He'd suffered this table for sixteen years, why would now make a difference? Because someone else is here.....​ He thought as he closed his eyes.
 
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