Being the Mediator

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Levusti, Jan 14, 2015.

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  1. Sometimes your friends may get into fights or disputes and if you guise are anything like me, you'll do anything to help mend friendships.

    I feel like being a neutral but a mutual friend between two arguing friends can really help put away the subjectivity of arguments. I used to be the total opposite, always telling my friends "I don't want to mess with your life" while actually just keeping myself selfishly out of my friends' lives when they need support the most. But I'm still as much of a "figure it out yourselves because then it's more sincere" kind of guy and I only try to mediate when perspective really really skews a person's idea of the truth.

    When your friends fight do you mediate between them or do you let them try to figure it out themselves? How much mediation is too much?
  2. Generally, I don't get involved in a dispute amongst friends unless one of them comes to me and asks for my input.

    Even then, I try to present both sides of the argument to them in an attempt to demonstrate a potential middle ground, so both sides can be happy.
  3. Same. Usually it's their business and it isn't my place to interfere unless someone asks.
  4. Middle Child here.

    I am the UN incarnate amongst my old friends. (IF the UN was effective and stopped wars)
  5. I don't get involved unless asked to do so. I hate disputes so unless they ask for input, I stay away and say nothing. Handling disputes has never been my strongest suite.
  6. My friends don't ever bicker/get into drama, so this has never been a need.
    Save for one case, but that was less two friends arguing and more one friend in our group letting their parents control her life, and getting mad at us when we told her to stick up for herself.

    If it ever were to happen?
    It would honestly depend on the situation, is it something that looks like they can settle on their own?
    Is it something a mutual friend might be needed to help calm down the hostilities?
    I have a feeling though that if it were to happen among my friends it would more likely be the former.
    The fact they never get into drama as it is should indicate that if they do they are mature enough to handle it themselves.
  7. I have a natural urge to resolve things. I try to mediate everything even when I'm not informed >_>
  8. There's always a balance to be had. Whatever opinion you have about the situation, each of theirs is just as valid. There's a danger of being patronising or arrogant if you get in the middle of people's issues believing you know better than they do about their own shit.
    The best thing to do in any situation with friends is being honest. If you think one of them is being completely out of order, tell them so, but do so as an advisor imparting information and opinion. Make it clear you aren't judging them or taking sides, just speculating on the situation as openly and honestly as you can with what information you have. Never believe yourself the judge or jury, so to speak - you're just the witness. If they make it clear they don't want you involved, respect that.
    That being said, I am and have always been considered "the guy" for advice and support in my group, so I always tend to be a mediator or to get involved - but only because they always want my opinions and thoughts because they value and respect them. Most of the time even if I tell someone they're being completely fucked up they don't get angry at me, and tend to at least give it thought. But the only reason I have that reputation is because I took the philosophy I outlined above in the past, and so people came to trust my judgement. Doing otherwise means people can see you as a meddler, or misguided, or patronising, and then you're not helping the situation at all (which, of course, is the opposite of your goal.)
  9. I get involved and keep raising my voice until I'm loud enough to win the argument.
  10. I prefer to let people deal with things themselves until/unless it gets to the point where their argument is becoming a major annoyance. If they can't be mature individuals and deal with their problems in an efficient manner, then I'll step in and do something about it. Usually "something" involves pointing out how they're being immature and pointing out the obvious solutions that exist, and it tends to be fairly effective.
  11. Rarely do I ever need to mediate. Most of my friends are pretty chill.

    However, there have been heated arguments between some of my friends on chat-systems that I've been witness to. Typically, my form of mediation is mentioning that things might be getting out of hand and then letting them resolve it themselves—I don't consider myself knowledgeable enough to take control. Once the fighting dies down, and one person inevitably ragequits or something, then I like to have a brief, private chat with both sides to say "That was immature, and this is what you did that made it escalate." I also tell them which person I felt was most to blame, if the instigator was clear.

    That's about it, though.

    So, I guess, I don't mediate fights. I mediate the aftermath, in order to prevent them from happening in the future.
  12. Unless it's something which threatens a friendship on a drastic level, I tend to leave my friends to their own whims unless I happen to be involved in the situation somehow. Maybe from personal experience, but I've found it's a terrible idea to usually forcefully get involved in the long run, as it's better for them to deal with and understand the issues presented to them; save for the exceptions when they feel my input is required or they want my advice. As the old saying goes, "Be careful with those who give advice, but be patient with those who supply it."
  13. My friends get into a lot of drama which is, trust me, really annoying. I'm not a mediator person, nor would I like to. When there's conflict, I hear both sides of the story. I'll pick either side -- or even maybe, my own side because they're both wrong. I'm the kind of person who, as a spectator, would choose the rational answer rather than the bias that comes along with, "But, we're BFFS! Take my side." I don't know, it's just against me. Kudos to the people who stick with people through and through.
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  14. My friends don't start petty arguments. I don't have to mediate a damn thing. We just live and let live 99.9% of the time. And when we have problems, we talk it out like people who love each other do.
  15. I tell everyone they're being stupid and I let them beat each other up until they're done being stupid.

    Then I feed them cookies. :D

    Which basically means, I stay out of other people's business unless they ask me for advice. o__o The I give my advice, and proceed to get really annoyed when it's not taken.
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