Bad Misunderstanding

[Esmeray]

Today I accidentally got into a huge misunderstanding with my parents and I'm not sure what to do about the situation. I planned last week to be gone all day today because my friend finally had an entire week off of work. Today was the only day we could hang out because she was leaving for texas the next day. I'm not sure if I told my parents prior to today that wasnt going to be home sunday or monday, but regardless we had a miscommunication. It was around 12:30 when I started getting ready to leave and I got a text from my mother asking me to take out the pizza dough in the fridge and to fold the laundry. Which was fine, I had no problems doing that right before leaving because I really wasnt in any hurry. I told my mother that I wasnt going to be home that night for dinner because I was going to be at my friends house. She was cool, no big. That's where I made my mistake as I didn't specify WHEN I would be leaving the house. So I do the chores before leaving the house around 1:30 and arrived at my friends house at around 2:00. Well a few hours pass by and I finally check my phone at around 4:50. Apparently nobody was home to watch my siblings for an hour, whom are eight and seven, and my mother had to leave work and hour and an half earlier. Obviously the texts I got at around 3:30 and 4:30 were very angry, as she threatened that she will be turning my phone off (cutting off my phone line/number) at 9:00 the next morning.

I already apologized to her over the phone that it was my mistake for not specifying that I wouldn't be home to watch the kids, but I think they are still mad at me. I'm not sure if the threat of turning off my phone is empty or real so I don't really know what more to do about the situation. If they don't turn my phone off then I guess that's good on me, and I might just get an ear full tomorrow about how watching the kids is my responsibility as being part of the family, and my lack of responsibility. Personally I don't really believe that watching them for three to four hours every day of the week is my responsibility. I'm nineteen years old and I feel like I'm a part time nanny that doesn't get paid. Dealing with kids isn't something I want or need to be doing right now. I understand that as their big sister I should feel partly responsible for them, but I've been watching them for years now. It isn't just an occasional thing either, it's been every single day for the past maybe five years? It's just something I've grown tired of doing, plus it really weirds me out that my little brother is starting to refer to me as "mom". I don't believe that at nineteen years old my priorities and responsibilities should be centered around my family. I think my priorities should be centered around myself via school, work, my own agenda/time/hobbies, and establishing my independence. Maybe that's a naive or ignorant way of thinking, and maybe it isn't the right priorities, or maybe I'm just going about all of this wrong. I just don't see family as being a priority right now....or maybe I don't really know what my priorities should be. I dunno, I feel like I'm second guessing myself. Despite what I think, since I wasn't specific things got a little heated.

If they do turn off my phone (number/line), what do I do? My dad is the only person that is authorized to make any changes in our plan, so I can't drop myself from their plan. I can't afford a new phone plus a new plan. If they cut my phone off, what can I do? Am I going to be stuck unable to really do anything, or is there a way for me to get off their plan? Any loop holes?

 

[Gonzo]

I already apologized to her over the phone that it was my mistake for not specifying that I wouldn't be home to watch the kids, but I think they are still mad at me. I'm not sure if the threat of turning off my phone is empty or real so I don't really know what more to do about the situation. If they don't turn my phone off then I guess that's good on me, and I might just get an ear full tomorrow about how watching the kids is my responsibility as being part of the family, and my lack of responsibility. Personally I don't really believe that watching them for three to four hours every day of the week is my responsibility. I'm nineteen years old and I feel like I'm a part time nanny that doesn't get paid. Dealing with kids isn't something I want or need to be doing right now. I understand that as their big sister I should feel partly responsible for them, but I've been watching them for years now. It isn't just an occasional thing either, it's been every single day for the past maybe five years? It's just something I've grown tired of doing, plus it really weirds me out that my little brother is starting to refer to me as "mom". I don't believe that at nineteen years old my priorities and responsibilities should be centered around my family. I think my priorities should be centered around myself via school, work, my own agenda/time/hobbies, and establishing my independence. Maybe that's a naive or ignorant way of thinking, and maybe it isn't the right priorities, or maybe I'm just going about all of this wrong. I just don't see family as being a priority right now....or maybe I don't really know what my priorities should be. I dunno, I feel like I'm second guessing myself. Despite what I think, since I wasn't specific things got a little heated.

Honestly, I think that the best thing to do is just talk to your parents about this, especially about what I bolded... but don't do it in a way that seems like whining. I'm not sure if I'm wording it right at all, but hopefully you get what I'm saying.

I'm 19 as well, and I feel the exact same way. This is a time where you should be focusing on you. Yes, family is important, but so is doing what is good for you.

Now, I realize that there are some situations where what I said wouldn't apply, but I guess it just depends on your situation with your family. For me, my sister is only a couple years younger than me, so there's no problem leaving her at home by herself because she can fend for herself.

I'm not saying you're totally not in the wrong, however, because you did state that you didn't mention when you would be gone. So at least there, you messed up. Maybe next time, make sure that you let them know when you'll be gone so that you all can plan accordingly.

I dunno. I hope that helped. I'm not really good at the whole advice thing, but yeah.

 

[Esmeray]

Honestly, I think that the best thing to do is just talk to your parents about this, especially about what I bolded... but don't do it in a way that seems like whining. I'm not sure if I'm wording it right at all, but hopefully you get what I'm saying.

I'm 19 as well, and I feel the exact same way. This is a time where you should be focusing on you. Yes, family is important, but so is doing what is good for you.

Now, I realize that there are some situations where what I said wouldn't apply, but I guess it just depends on your situation with your family. For me, my sister is only a couple years younger than me, so there's no problem leaving her at home by herself because she can fend for herself.

I'm not saying you're totally not in the wrong, however, because you did state that you didn't mention when you would be gone. So at least there, you messed up. Maybe next time, make sure that you let them know when you'll be gone so that you all can plan accordingly.

I dunno. I hope that helped. I'm not really good at the whole advice thing, but yeah.

If my parents were not manipulative and controlling I would attempt at that adult conversation. It's pretty much impossible to talk about anything with them, I've made small attempts and they typically shut me down at every attempt. It's not in a nice way either. I tried talking to them about doing my own laundry and they got defensive. I told them I was moving out and they threatened me into backing out. It's either their way or not at all.

 

[Gonzo]

If my parents were not manipulative and controlling I would attempt at that adult conversation. It's pretty much impossible to talk about anything with them, I've made small attempts and they typically shut me down at every attempt. It's not in a nice way either. I tried talking to them about doing my own laundry and they got defensive. I told them I was moving out and they threatened me into backing out. It's either their way or not at all.

I'm sorry to hear. I'm not really sure how to help there. Sorry. :/

 

[Esmeray]

I'm sorry to hear. I'm not really sure how to help there. Sorry. :/

Hahaha it's fine, I just have to continue to stare at it in the face until something happens. Don't apologize though, you didn't really do anything wrong. You tried to help, and that counts. ^^

 

[Ali]

I just want to clarify before getting into my main point, there are ways to live without your phone dear, also, if you're thinking about moving out, you should know your parents are going to spite you in anyway they know how, meaning, no phone, they'll most likely -- if not definitely cut you off. Remember, people lived without smartphones for along time, and relied on face-to-face, so I wouldn't worry too much about the phone thing.
There are always ways to get cheap, pre-paid phones for under 200$
But, I completely agree with your priorities, though your family should always be on the priority list, you are currently the star of that list, needing to focus on you and your future, because 19 is a critical point in your life, it's like... a filler year to get all your shit together and start understanding what it's like to become a legit adult.
Make sure you have your ducks in a row, and move on, it's clearly what you need xoxo

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

That's where I made my mistake as I didn't specify WHEN I would be leaving the house. So I do the chores before leaving the house around 1:30 and arrived at my friends house at around 2:00. Well a few hours pass by and I finally check my phone at around 4:50. Apparently nobody was home to watch my siblings for an hour, whom are eight and seven, and my mother had to leave work and hour and an half earlier.

Personally I don't really see an issue with this part.
Plans are fluid enough that times tend to change with this stuff anyways.

Plus 8 and 7 are (in my mind at least) old enough to be alone for a while by themselves.
Granted that they are somewhat mature/independent, dangerous stuff is out of reach and there's nothing like a mental or physical illness that complicates the matter.

Ex: Dyslexia? Fine. Severe Autism? Probably not fine.

Also note though, this is coming from the Guy who just got home from a 4-day LAN party as a friends house without telling either of my parents where I was.
So my family experiences are probably more calm and relaxed compared to most peoples.

she threatened that she will be turning my phone off (cutting off my phone line/number) at 9:00 the next morning.

This is something I would argue is counter productive.
If you're ever outside and in danger, how can you get help without a phone?
If an emergency happens and your family needs to reach you, how can they without a phone?

Now, granted from your earlier thread I'm well aware your parents aren't exactly the most logical or caring of people.
But if your Mother's concern with this instance is child safety, it might be worth pointing out that phone removal would only worsen such situations.

Then again, they always could twist that to mean "Well then, clearly without your phone you're not ready to leave the house!".
But in that case I go back to my advice from the earlier thread, your parents are abusive, get out of there pronto.

Personally I don't really believe that watching them for three to four hours every day of the week is my responsibility. I'm nineteen years old and I feel like I'm a part time nanny that doesn't get paid. Dealing with kids isn't something I want or need to be doing right now. I understand that as their big sister I should feel partly responsible for them, but I've been watching them for years now. It isn't just an occasional thing either, it's been every single day for the past maybe five years?

However, I can also kind of understand the parents anger/concern in this case.
Your mother probably assumed you would be leaving once she got home, so the kids weren't alone.

And depending on your families dynamic, and their values on when a child is to be watched that could have been seen as something pretty serious.
Now, should it be your main responsibility? No, that's your parents job, not yours. But I'm going to assume in this case your parents run on the idea of "Don't leave the house without the kids if you're the only adult at home".

It's just something I've grown tired of doing, plus it really weirds me out that my little brother is starting to refer to me as "mom".

This might be nothing but a cute name your little brother assigned to you.

But at the same time, this might address something deeper.
How often is your Mother around to be with the kids opposed to you?

If your answer is that you're looking after them just as much or more often than your mother, then honestly this might also explain things.
It addresses that this is a common (and family expected) role you have, and although I fully agree with you that it should not be your responsibility, I can also understand how suddenly leaving them alone could have then been seen poorly.

But more importantly in this case, if your brother does seriously see you more as his mother than his actual mother?
That does address some problems, mainly in regards to the amount of time your parents are spending with the kids.

Normally I'd suggest bringing this up with your mother, but once again your earlier thread has me worried the response might not be favorable.
So for now I'm really just noting this so it's something you might note and be aware of, that maybe there's something deeper going on there.

I don't believe that at nineteen years old my priorities and responsibilities should be centered around my family. I think my priorities should be centered around myself via school, work, my own agenda/time/hobbies, and establishing my independence.

I completely agree.

You're still growing up, your priorities should be discovering yourself, living life, academics, friends etc.
This is your time to grow so you can become a stronger and more capable adult. Not be locked at home so you barely know yourself when you're expected to be Independent.

If they cut my phone off, what can I do? Am I going to be stuck unable to really do anything, or is there a way for me to get off their plan? Any loop holes?

I don't have much experience with those technicalities, my Dad still covers my own Phone plan.
But in theory that's probably something that varies per phone company, most likely stuff you can learn from there website or talking to their customer support.

Also, if your phone is shut off and you're unable to get a new one there's improvisations you can do.
Mainly, make use a portable laptop, Ipad etc.

And connect it with things such as Skype and Facebook.
It won't function as well as a phone, but it's still mobile, and allows you to reach most people (both voice and text wise) through medians they are probably using often, and likely something a number of them have connected to their phones.

 

[Esmeray]

Personally I don't really see an issue with this part.
Plans are fluid enough that times tend to change with this stuff anyways.

Plus 8 and 7 are (in my mind at least) old enough to be alone for a while by themselves.
Granted that they are somewhat mature/independent, dangerous stuff is out of reach and there's nothing like a mental or physical illness that complicates the matter.

Ex: Dyslexia? Fine. Severe Autism? Probably not fine.

Also note though, this is coming from the Guy who just got home from a 4-day LAN party as a friends house without telling either of my parents where I was.
So my family experiences are probably more calm and relaxed compared to most peoples.

well when I was eight I started staying alone by myself for a little bit. They know not to leave the house, answer the phone or the door, and not to play with fire but every one knows how kids can get. However when I was growing up, when my parents weren't home I was told to immediately go to my neighbors house. Me going to the neighbors was a prearranged thing, so I don't understand why they can't do the same for my siblings.

This is something I would argue is counter productive.
If you're ever outside and in danger, how can you get help without a phone?
If an emergency happens and your family needs to reach you, how can they without a phone?

Now, granted from your earlier thread I'm well aware your parents aren't exactly the most logical or caring of people.
But if your Mother's concern with this instance is child safety, it might be worth pointing out that phone removal would only worsen such situations.

Then again, they always could twist that to mean "Well then, clearly without your phone you're not ready to leave the house!".
But in that case I go back to my advice from the earlier thread, your parents are abusive, get out of there pronto.

I know it's counter productive and clearly not a sound punishment, which is why I thought she was just trying to scare me or it was an empty threat. It wouldnt be the first time she's threatened to do something like it. Honestly I think it's just her way of trying to get a reaction out of me or something. I wouldn't know as I don't know how she thinks.

However, I can also kind of understand the parents anger/concern in this case.
Your mother probably assumed you would be leaving once she got home, so the kids weren't alone.

And depending on your families dynamic, and their values on when a child is to be watched that could have been seen as something pretty serious.
Now, should it be your main responsibility? No, that's your parents job, not yours. But I'm going to assume in this case your parents run on the idea of "Don't leave the house without the kids if you're the only adult at home".

Yes, that's why I understand that she flipped out when she found out I wasn't home for them, but this was the first time it ever happened so jumping down my throat about it seemed unnecessary. Though I understand why she did. I still don't believe they're my responsibility though.

This might be nothing but a cute name your little brother assigned to you.

But at the same time, this might address something deeper.
How often is your Mother around to be with the kids opposed to you?

If your answer is that you're looking after them just as much or more often than your mother, then honestly this might also explain things.
It addresses that this is a common (and family expected) role you have, and although I fully agree with you that it should not be your responsibility, I can also understand how suddenly leaving them alone could have then been seen poorly.

But more importantly in this case, if your brother does seriously see you more as his mother than his actual mother?
That does address some problems, mainly in regards to the amount of time your parents are spending with the kids.

Normally I'd suggest bringing this up with your mother, but once again your earlier thread has me worried the response might not be favorable.
So for now I'm really just noting this so it's something you might note and be aware of, that maybe there's something deeper going on there.

It isn't a cute name, I don't think being called mom in any aspect other than sarcasm is meant to be cute. In regards to when we are around. They wake up at 6:30 to 7:00. My mother stays with them in the morning until she leaves around 7:10 to 7:20. When she leaves varies. I've been woken up to her yelling at them for making her late or something. So in the mornings she sees them for about an hour before she goes to work. Then my dad takes them to the bus stop before he goes to work at eight. Then I wake up at around 9:30 to Noon depending on my schedule. I have to be home by 3:30 because that's when the kids get home. My dad has his own company so he doesn't have a set schedule, but typically he doesn't come home until 5:00 or 7:00. My mom doesn't come home until 6:00 but some times she'll stop at the store or the gym and won't be home until closer to 7:00. So I am with the kids from 3:30 to 6:00 (give or take a few hours). So I see them generally three to five hours. Then when my parents get home they'll make them dinner, from there I don't know what happens because I lock myself in my room. They go to bed at 9:00, and generally my parents only go up right when the kids are getting in bed to tell them good night. To say though that I spend just as much time with them as my mother isn't really something I believe is my place to say. I feel like that I do, but what I feel and what is actual facts are two different things.

Normally I've just been ignoring it, but it's still weird that he calls me mom. I feel like I may have casually mentioned it to my mother before but I don't think I got a reaction out of it.

I don't have much experience with those technicalities, my Dad still covers my own Phone plan.
But in theory that's probably something that varies per phone company, most likely stuff you can learn from there website or talking to their customer support.

Also, if your phone is shut off and you're unable to get a new one there's improvisations you can do.
Mainly, make use a portable laptop, Ipad etc.

And connect it with things such as Skype and Facebook.
It won't function as well as a phone, but it's still mobile, and allows you to reach most people (both voice and text wise) through medians they are probably using often, and likely something a number of them have connected to their phones.

Luckily for me she didn't shut my phone off, but yes you are right. I can use a laptop or my old iphone to go onto facebook or skype. I can get a prepaid phone for cheap and use that for texting and calls I guess. Not sure. But thanks for the suggestions. xD

 

[Adelaide]

Just curious, do you work or go to school?

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

well when I was eight I started staying alone by myself for a little bit. They know not to leave the house, answer the phone or the door, and not to play with fire but every one knows how kids can get. However when I was growing up, when my parents weren't home I was told to immediately go to my neighbors house. Me going to the neighbors was a prearranged thing, so I don't understand why they can't do the same for my siblings.

That is odd. :/

It's possible neighbor dynamics have changed since then.
However it might also be the case that they're simply expecting you to handle it being part of the household.
Like I said before I don't think that's right for them to do, but that might be the reasoning.

However you're the one who knows your parents, not me.
You'd be in a better position to say.

It isn't a cute name, I don't think being called mom in any aspect other than sarcasm is meant to be cute. In regards to when we are around. They wake up at 6:30 to 7:00. My mother stays with them in the morning until she leaves around 7:10 to 7:20. When she leaves varies. I've been woken up to her yelling at them for making her late or something. So in the mornings she sees them for about an hour before she goes to work. Then my dad takes them to the bus stop before he goes to work at eight. Then I wake up at around 9:30 to Noon depending on my schedule. I have to be home by 3:30 because that's when the kids get home. My dad has his own company so he doesn't have a set schedule, but typically he doesn't come home until 5:00 or 7:00. My mom doesn't come home until 6:00 but some times she'll stop at the store or the gym and won't be home until closer to 7:00. So I am with the kids from 3:30 to 6:00 (give or take a few hours). So I see them generally three to five hours. Then when my parents get home they'll make them dinner, from there I don't know what happens because I lock myself in my room. They go to bed at 9:00, and generally my parents only go up right when the kids are getting in bed to tell them good night. To say though that I spend just as much time with them as my mother isn't really something I believe is my place to say. I feel like that I do, but what I feel and what is actual facts are two different things.

By 'cute name' I don't mean he's purposely using it to be cute.
I mean it as one of those cute things a kid might be in general, consciously or not.

However, as far as flat out numbers are concerned you do seem to be on average with your Mother for time spend with the kids.
So assuming you keep somewhat better relations with them than your mother, it would explain why your brother see's you as his mother instead, or maybe as a second Mom.

 

[Space Cowboy]

I only read the OP. Just to clarify.


Adult, open conversation. Listen to what they have to say, then speak to them calmly. If they get snippy, you absolutely interject and cut them off by saying, "I was respectful and gave you time to speak, now it's my turn to speak." If they get huffy over that and start doing that shit about parents vs children, how dare you be disrespectful, blah blah, call them out on acting like children themselves with getting loud. If they say they have a right since you are their child, tell them no, they actually don't have that right-- not with anyone.

Always. Remain. Calm.

You must assert your dominance as the point of reason. Shame them for acting like grown-ass children. If they throw you out, threaten you over something so small, just shrug and walk away from it.



And really, if they kick you out/get rid of your phone/stop giving you money... I mean... FFS, sometimes, it's better to get away. It's better to strike it out, crash on couches, find a job at McD's, and just make your way. No one wants to be a slave of anyone. If you're a good kid, and they're giving you this hard a time...? Is it really worth it?

Maybe bide your time. Maybe work your way towards independence. Honestly, it's up to you. But you keep your eyes and ears open, and truly realize when you're being the child, and when they are.

 

[SacredWarrior]

Your parents would hate me to be honest. I would definitely be going off and saying how I feel and if they dared to interrupt me, my militant side would come out. I agree with Seiji. You need to establish dominance and TALK TO YOUR PARENTS. Hold nothing back and honestly if you have to be a mean bitch to get your point across, then do it. God knows I sure as hell have to with my family sometimes -_-

 

[Esmeray]

Just curious, do you work or go to school?

Yes I'm a student. I would be at school eight hours every day of the week but I tend to do poorly when my work load is to high. I generally do up to four classes a semester so I don't feel overwhelmed. Plus having four allows me to baby sit for them v.v

I havn't been able to keep a job. I'm trying though. Right now I don't have the right software needed to make remake my resume so I have to rely on the library for updated software. Since it's memorial day weekend the library has been closed. I did manage to write a cover letter and send in a few applications though, and my friend offered to redo my resume for me. I feel like I should do it myself though, otherwise I feel like I didn't earn the job myself. x-x

 

[Esmeray]

That is odd. :/

It's possible neighbor dynamics have changed since then.
However it might also be the case that they're simply expecting you to handle it being part of the household.
Like I said before I don't think that's right for them to do, but that might be the reasoning.

However you're the one who knows your parents, not me.
You'd be in a better position to say.

By 'cute name' I don't mean he's purposely using it to be cute.
I mean it as one of those cute things a kid might be in general, consciously or not.

However, as far as flat out numbers are concerned you do seem to be on average with your Mother for time spend with the kids.
So assuming you keep somewhat better relations with them than your mother, it would explain why your brother see's you as his mother instead, or maybe as a second Mom.

Yeah well, I went out of my way to have school in the afternoons this semester so now they have to find someone to babysit on tuesdays and thursdays lol

So I get a little bit of a relief, and once I get a job I'll pretty much wont be home at all. I just gotta keep working for a job.

OH! On another note, cutting my phone off was an empty threat. lol sorry for the late update.

 

[Esmeray]

Thanks for trying to help guys, the situations calmed down a bit ^^

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

Yeah well, I went out of my way to have school in the afternoons this semester so now they have to find someone to babysit on tuesdays and thursdays lol

So I get a little bit of a relief, and once I get a job I'll pretty much wont be home at all. I just gotta keep working for a job.

OH! On another note, cutting my phone off was an empty threat. lol sorry for the late update.

Glad to hear the situation improved. :)
Just remember to give yourself recreational/breathing time, burn out can be a serious thing that a lot of young adults like to forget exists.