BACKLASH

Delilah Buress

When he reached for the nightstand drawer, Delilah couldn't have predicted what he would come away with. It was jarring, seeing the picture... Seeing something from their past, so pristinely kept. She had been so sure it was destroyed, along with everything else... and seeing it broke her heart, in easily the best way.

It was a part of life before everything fell apart. Part of the life she longed so desperately for...

"I can't believe you kept this..." She whispered, and her eyes misted again as she looked up at him, "And seriously... How was I supposed to recognize the boots? They look like loaves of bread."

It was nice... knowing he was doing well. Knowing he was at least somewhat happy. Even if she was a mess... Broken and damaged, someone had come away with something worth while.

He flopped and she curled up beside him, resting her head on his chest with a small sigh, "Go ahead and sleep. I'll be fine."

Pausing, she fell quiet for a moment, before continuing with a whisper, "I'm glad you're here, Fish...?
 
Fisher Hawkins

"Aw, c'mon. Loaves of bread with the signature red stripe. Tsk tsk." He scoffed, staring up at the ceiling. He sucked in a breath as Delilah rested against his chest, glancing down at her. So much had happened in such a short amount of time. It was shocking, that he was showing her their childhood drawings. Telling her everything about Knockout. He had spilled so much about himself in one day, things he hadn't spoken in years.

"I'm glad you're here too. In one piece." He sighed. "I wish it had been under better circumstances. I really do." He had a lot more to say. The fact that he never thought he would see her again. That she was probably going to be gone in the morning, a different person leading a new life. A memory. A wisp. He was terrified that all over again, he would lose her like he lost everything.

He didn't know what he would do then. What he would do if she disappeared to find Solomon. He didn't want to chase her, run around in circles. He wasn't going to treat her like a criminal he set out to chase. He wasn't going to chase her. He didn't know what he'd do nor what would greet him in the morning, and so Fisher decided that tonight was enough. She was here right now and that was what mattered and he was so lucky just to have seen her again.

And he fell asleep anyway, because he was exhausted and worn but he decided that he was content. Happy.
 
Delilah Buress

As the room fell silent, Delilah let her eyes fall closed. It wasn't long before the visions of the day returned to her, with haunting clarity. She could see it... the explosion, could see the building, decimated by the blow. And in her mind, she filled in the blanks where she had only her imagination. She could see him... Nick, throwing himself on the bomb...

She wanted to cry out, to call out for him to leave it - to run. She wanted to tell him that Fisher could save them. That he had the power to protect everyone. She could see the look in his eyes... so broken, so sad, knowing that what he was about to do would be his ultimate last act. She could see his mind revolving around the decision, whether it was the right one or not. Weighing what he would lose... Whether or not he would feel the pain, whether or not he would die instantly, or it would be prolonged in agony.

In slow motion, she could see his face contorting in fear, and then the explosion...

In her dream, there was no grisly, visceral combustion. Instead, the bomb surrounded Nick in a bright light and like glass, shattered by a hammer, he began to crack and crumble, until he was gone, blowing away like dust... like smoke.

Bolting upright, she woke with a strangled scream.
 
Fisher Hawkins

Fisher had dreams of his own, but they didn't end up being as loud. It was a whole, swirly, dreamy mess of explosions, and gleaming Solomon smiles, and lots of wisps of smoke. A white mask and red striped shoes were enveloped in the fog, and a bomb went off in the distance. He was lost at sea, lost in a terrible mess where he couldn't even see which way to go. His dreams were always a little bit cryptic. Weren't most?

He was jolted by Delilah's scream, and having been near the edge of the bed, his sudden awakening did not keep him in one place. He was on the floor one moment, thudding on his tailbone, and jumping up with a terrified look in his eye the next, breath caught in his throat. "Where is he? Who is he? I don't have my gloves, I don't have anything, g-gimme the blanket I'll use it as a shield what's going on--"

He blinked, glancing around wildly. It was just Delilah. No one else.

"A-are you okay?" He mumbled, taking a deep breath as he pulled himself back onto the bed, wincing. "Heh.. kinda.. scared me there.." He rubbed his eyes, adrenaline still pumping through his veins. "Bad dream?" He tentatively put his hand out, but retracted it a moment later, settling to cross his legs next to her, ready to listen. "I'm right here. Not going anywhere. Except.. maybe off the bed. My ass kinda hurts." He laughed anxiously.
 
Delilah Buress

She had had plenty of nightmares... But never before had she found herself so thoroughly trapped in the grips of one. Never before had she actually seen and felt from the perspective of another... Being in Nick's mind, hearing his final thoughts... Even if it weren't real, she couldn't shake it.

Fisher spilled to the floor and Delilah's eyes snapped to him, and she frowned a she righted himself to sink back down beside her. In a daze, she could hardly string coherent thoughts together, but she felt bad... And curling her arms around him, she inched closer with a sniff.

"I'm sorry. God... I... I've just never.. They've never felt so real." Shuddering, she shook her head, "I didn't mean to freak you out. I just... It was Nick. I could see it happening. And I... I couldn't do anything. I couldn't stop him."

Wiping dampness from her eyes with the hem of his sweatshirt, she sniffed again, "Does it ever stop, Fish. How much this hurts? Will it ever go away?"
 
Fisher Hawkins

Letting out a deep sigh, trying to calm his heart, Fish patted her back gently as she hugged him. "It's okay." He whispered reassuringly, unsure of how to tell her it was only a dream. It was a dream, but a dream of something real. God knows how long the image would haunt her. Haunt him.

No, he didn't think things like this ever went away. Especially something so unresolved. "It's still.. fresh, Lil." He murmured. "I think after a while, it becomes like a dull throb. Numb." It was hard to admit, but it was what he thought to be true. All his troubles from the past.. they were like aches. Bruises that never totally healed. If you moved the wrong way, hit it someplace.. you'd suddenly remember. It would get you like a punch to the gut. Sometimes, you forgot all about it.

"It's okay to let it hurt. It doesn't mean it'll stay like that forever." He promised, grasping her shoulders and looking her in the eyes before lowering himself back down on the pillow, trying to recollect himself. "I had a dream too. It wasn't so blunt, though. My dreams never feel that real, I suppose. Kinda foggy." He rolled over to look at the clock. 4:36 am. Lovely.

He pulled himself back up and nudged her gently. "Need anything? Water? Blanket shield?" He was desperately trying to lighten the mood and comfort her at the same time, because he wasn't sure which option to settle on.
 
Delilah Buress

Maybe it wasn't what she wanted to hear... But somehow, it was exactly what she needed to hear. That it would be okay... But it would take time, and it would hurt like hell, meanwhile. She was more pessimist than realist, but even she could see the eventual end of the tunnel... It would take ages to get there, but somehow, she would.

"Thank you, Fish. For letting me stay here. For... for being here with me. I dunno how I would've gotten through any of this without you. I think... I think I've always been afraid of it. Being alone. That's why it was so easy with Nick. Because I needed him and he was always there. And now... now he's not."

Sitting up, she looked over at him, "I'm okay. Just... I don't wanna go to sleep again. Not right now. I don't wanna think about what happened. About what it all means, long term. I don't want to think about any of it." Biting the edge of her lip, her eyes flickered to the clock. Only a few hours till daylight. Till she could begin her search.

"Tell me something about you that I don't know. Something besides the whole... Mild mannered alter ego thing."
 
Fisher Hawkins

When she said she was fine, Fisher collapsed back onto the bed with a sigh. He was glad to have been there for her, glad to hear she appreciated it. Letting out a sigh, Fisher gazed at the ceiling. He really needed to paint something there, for the amount of time he spent staring up at it.

Fish hummed, trying to think of what to say. Truthfully, he didn't have much else. He was a great mechanic now, a skill he had picked up quite fast after the incident. But she could probably already guess that by his job, and it wasn't anything new. Frankly, he wasn't very interesting aside from his alter ego.

"I've got a guitar," He said, glancing in the direction of the stand that rested in the corner of his bedroom. "You remember I always wanted one? I can't say I've spent enough time on it, though." He sighed. He had bought it cheap from a guy at the shop, and enjoyed picking at it from time to time. He could play a few songs and decently strum, but he was no pro. Fish didn't have the time to really master it between work and.. his other work.

"I don't do much else." He admitted. "I work in the day and I work again in the night." He scratched his chin and turned to look at Delilah. She looked worn. Already so different from the day he had first seen her again, at the hospital. Fisher lowered his gaze unhappily. "What.. what about you? What's something I don't know? What do you do?"
 
Delilah Buress

Maybe it wasn't a cure all... and it certainly wasn't going to help her sleep without those terrible dreams, but it helped, hearing him talk about something other than the misery that they had both endured. Her whole life, she had dealt with it - from her social workers, to her therapists, to everyone she interacted with who knew even a semblance of her past - sharing.l.. feeling... dealing. It was nothing by an aggravation, when all she wanted to do was forget and move on.

And Fisher understood that, better than anyone. He had succeeded, at least to a degree - found peace in a job, in a life outside of the chaos of all that had happened. And maybe it wasn't a conventional life, but it was something. Something better than wallowing. A part of her was jealous, really, that he had done so well. Maybe her life hadn't been completely awful, at least before that afternoon, but it certainly hadn't been full and adventurous and meaningful...

"Me?" She asked, a brow lifting as she looked up at him, shaking her head, "I don't even know, Fish. I guess... I mean, I was a waitress. I dunno if I still am, after all that's gone down. It's not exactly gonna be easy explaining everything that's happened to my boss, and he's not particularly understanding. Doesn't really matter, though... It was never my favorite place." With a sigh, she sank back against him and letting her eyes fall closed, she breathed in softly.

"You'll have to play for me, someday. I remember when we were kids, and we talked about starting up a garage band. Nevermind we didn't have a lick of talent... We were gonna do it... Travel the world... date famous people." Chuckling dryly, she shook her head and her eyes opened again, "...Too many dreams, Fish. We had too many dreams."
 
Fisher Hawkins

At some point he closed his eyes. He had no sleep left in him, instead trying to think. He wasn't sure what he was thinking about. It was from thinking about their childhood rock star dreams as she drudged up, trying to picture her boss's face and what it would be like when she went back and told him, if she ever did.

It was so.. strange, to him. To bring up all their old memories and gaze at them with new eyes. He was meeting a childhood friend all over again, if he looked past all the pain. A childhood friend with which he had spent so many moments with. So many dreams, aspirations, impossible hopes. It made his heart swell with sadness and joy. It hurt, to reflect on the innocence that was taken away from him at the snap of someone's fingers.

"I'd say we didn't dream enough." He blurted. He hadn't thought about the words before he said them, but he knew it was true. He knew he believed it. And then an idea came to Fisher.

"We can still do it all." He pulled himself up and stared at her with sparkling eyes. "We can still travel the world and we can still date whoever the hell we want. We're free, Lilah. I think we both forgot, but.. we're not in the system anymore. We're not someone's property. Hell, we've got superpowers and I'm practically a superhero. Why do we have to stay anywhere? Be tied to anything? I still want to see France, and Japan, and I still want to start a garage band, and I still want to.. I want to see it all. Why can't we?"
 
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Delilah Buress

Frowning, Delilah leaned against him again, listening as he spoke and doing her best, albeit with great difficulty, not to fall into an immediate territory of pessimism. It was easy to dream, but it was crushing, watching those dreams fall to nothing... to ashes, knowing that she was never going to have even a fraction of the ideas and thoughts they had piled together in their youth.

"They were a security blanket, Fish..." She said, quietly, "A way to forget the crap that was happening to us. That doesn't mean they're meant to come true. At least not for me. You should do it. You should travel, and date rockstars... Hell. Be a rockstar. But me? I don't think... I don't think I'm meant to have those things. Every time I get close, life gets in the way, and I think I've just gotten used to expecting disappointment." Glancing back at him, she shrugged, "Doesn't mean you won't... and if any of us deserve it, it's you, Fish. You were always the best..."

She had wondered so many times what life would have been like, if she had come to Fish that day, instead of Solomon... What roads their lives might have taken. Would Solomon have snapped eventually anyway? Was he destined to be the supervillain in their comic... or had she made him that way? Every day, more and more, she felt sure she had created him, and it killed her. It killed her, but it also fueled the thought that she needed to be the one to end it... It only made sense - She couldn't let Fish ruin himself, too. Not for her.

"I'm not free, Fish. I never was..." Laying back again, she sighed gently, "But at least for a little while, I felt like it. Guess that was something, right? Listen... You should get some sleep. Can't miss much if you're gonna live a double life, right? I'll be okay. Promise."
 
Fisher Hawkins

"If I can do it, why can't you?" He muttered. Fisher knew, she was her own worst enemy. She wanted this. She wanted to bury herself in all the tragedies and let them swallow her whole, until there was nothing else to live for, be for. No one else to care about. He hated it. Perhaps it was true, he was doing the same, burying himself in another way, in a way of hopeless dreams and childish fantasies. Perhaps he was too deep in it himself to even see the other side.

"I was never the best." He growled, the statement making his chest swell with anger. Why did she have to keep putting him on a pedestal like that? "Why do you keep saying that? I'm.. I'm just like you. I went through the same crap and I've dealt the same crap. I-I just.." He didn't know how else to protest. How else to convince her. He supposed.. perhaps it was to soon to even try, and winced at the memory, but.. it was hell to lay and listen to her.

"You can be free if you want to be." He muttered. "You just have to want to be. You have to keep trying. You're not cursed, Lilah. I know you think you are but some people just get a shitty end of the stick and it hurts but we have to try, and I can't listen to you sit here and tell me that I'm the one who deserves to have a good life just because you keep blaming yourself for all of our mistakes. Our mistakes, not yours, not Solly's. Mistakes that we made when we were kids, only kids with no one to teach us right or wrong and.."

Fisher let out a frustrated growl. "Can you just promise me.." He breathed in through his nose and closed his eyes. "Promise me you'll try. And we'll try together. Try to forgive ourselves." He turned over and looked at her, tired, saddened. Worn. "Promise me and then I'll lay off. Alright? I'll stop talking your head off."
 
Delilah Buress

If she'd had the energy, she might've been annoyed by his optimistic lecture. But the facts were, she was too tired, too beat down to fight back. He meant well, she knew, but he couldn't know how hard it was not to see things from such a dark perspective when it really, truly felt like everything good in her life eventually turned to crap.

One thing, however, no matter how tired she was would always be worth arguing, and shaking her head, she smiled faintly, "You have no idea, Fish. You were always so good, so honest... and Solly and I... we just never measured up to that. You were always the favorite, and I couldn't even be mad, because you were just... you were that kid, who deserved the attention, you know? And now? Look at you. You're an actual living superhero. Like... How do you not see that you're just different? A good different?"

Shaking her head, she laid back down and curling her arms behind her head, she nodded, "I'll try... Of course, I'll try. But it's not easy. It never has been." Turning onto her side, she looked at him for a moment, and when she spoke, there was a note of sadness she couldn't hide, "Would...would you help me... with funeral arrangements for Nick? His family isn't from the area, but he loved it here and I... I think he'd want to be memorialized here..."
 
Fisher Hawkins

He didn't feel that way. So good. So honest. Whatever Lilah had painted him to be all these years he couldn't see. "Favorite?" He murmured, wanting to be angry but lacking the energy. "Favorite among who, the shittiest parents in the universe?" He held up his hand in the air and gazed at the dirt beneath his fingertips. "So good and so honest that I got left on a doorstep. Who does that to a baby?" He said with a sigh, a sigh of issues long built over but hardly forgotten.

"You can't convince me the same way I can't convince you." He muttered, turning over in the bed and pulling up the covers. He used to understand Lilah. At least, he thought so. He thought he knew her well, back then. But she was keeping things from him even when he believed they held no secrets from each other, and now she was sleeping in his bed.

Still.. at least she promised to try. He hoped her promises were worth something. In this case.. she'd need it. His expression softened at her request. "Of.. of course." He murmured, kicking himself for being mad. She'd just lost Nick. Swallowing, Fisher scratched the back of his neck. "You can stay here as long as you need. I'll help however I can.

Now, I, uh.. I said I'd.. leave ya alone." Fish cleared his throat as he pulled his pillow closer. "..Night, Lil." He was unsure about this whole new situation. He had been alone for a long time.. it was certainly a strange feeling to have her reenter his life. But he couldn't quite complain, for all the times he had missed her. At least she was safe.
 
Delilah Buress

It hurt her to hear his self deprecating nonsense. He could hardly blame himself for his parents decision to abandon him, any more than she could blame herself for her mother's inability to raise her daughter. Not even Solomon could be blamed for becoming an orphan. They had all been handed that lot in life - but of the three of them, Fisher had handled it with more grace and poise and dignity... and come out of it better.

He rolled over and she shook her head as she looked at the back of his head. The conversation moved on, but she was determined, even if he wouldn't see it that night, to make him see what she did... to make him see that he wasn't just the city's hero. He was her hero, and in so many ways, she wished she had been stronger... wished that she hadn't been such a disappointment. Tears stung her eyes and she blinked furiously until they faded. There could be no more crying... she needed to focus. To plan.

She waited until Fisher had fallen asleep, and only when she was sure, when the depth of his breathing increased, did she roll over and carefully, set her feet to the ground. On tip toe, she left the room and made for the kitchen and there, she began her search. It was difficult, while trying to maintain a sense of stealth, but eventually, aided by a noisy air conditioner unit and a childhood knowledge of sneaking around, she found his stash behind the pots and pans in a lower cabinet.

Pulling the manila envelop free, she moved to the couch and sinking down, opened it to the first picture... Solomon was never supposed to be their enemy, but she would be damn sure that she knew him, if that's what he was going to insist on being.
 
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Fisher Hawkins

There wasn't much detail on Solomon in the folder. He was a ghost, a damn good one at that. Either the photos were a couple years old, for when Fisher had just started his journey, or recent, the gleaming smile underneath an unsuspecting hoodie at the hospital taken by a passerby. There were photos of buildings, perhaps ones where Fisher had suspected he had been hiding. A photo of a girl, hidden by a cap and sunglasses. It was hard to decode without his map on the wall and scribbled words. There were police files, on each of them and every instance, and every newspaper article possible, but it was nothing they had ever heard before.

Fisher found it unfair to have two restless nights in one. Though his earlier dream had been an unclear fog, this one had a purpose. As a child, before meeting Lilah and Solomon, Fisher had always tried to find his parents. Feeling abandoned and alone, so confused as to why anyone would ever do such a thing, he put his mind to use.

He got bounced around so often because he kept running away. To look for every Hawkin in the city, venturing to the libraries just to get hold of records, door knocking. With every relocation he was farther from what he thought was a case he had been building, until he was finally told that Fisher Hawkins was a made up name, because he'd been a baby on the doorstep without even a letter.

It was a chilly day in the city when he'd left his third orphanage, sneaking out the window, bundled up to keep from the cold, gloves and scarves and all. He was on a mission to find Timothy Hawkins, who lived on 399 Terrance Ave. He walked in the city like a little businessman, earning uncertain glances from passerby. As the neighborhood became dimmer and the people became shadier, Fisher hardly lost his confidence.

The man that opened the door was not kind and warm as Fisher had hoped. The TV played white noise behind him and his breath stank of alcohol, and Fisher knew he had made a mistake. He stumbled back off the porch, preparing to run, when the man's hand shot out to grab him.

It was the first time he had discovered his powers, because he put out his hand to protect himself and the man went flying.

Fisher woke with a jolt, and gasped for air. It was exhausting, because he had that nightmare too often. Among all the others, about Solomon, about Lilah, even about Knockout, he dreamt so often about his child self, venturing for some sort of validation, looking for a purpose. It took a moment to right himself, but when he did, he noticed the absence in the bed beside him.

The sun crept through his blinds and with worry flooding him, Fisher pulled himself off the bed. A shiver fell through his spine as the cold floor connected with his feet, as he gazed towards the bathroom to see if she was in it. Nothing.

He was quiet, silent, even a bit shaky. And as he headed toward the kitchen his heart drooped, finding Lilah sprawled with the manila folder, photos scattered about. Fisher gazed at her with the greatest sadness in his eyes, not a word coming out of his mouth. He should've seen it coming.

He sucked in a breath and turned around. He didn't want to hear it.
 
Delilah Buress

From the corner of her eye, she saw him come, and almost immediately, saw him turn to leave again and her heart sank at the sight. Straightening up, she shook her head, her voice pitched with a twinge of panic... panic, but not guilt. He didn't understand... but then, with the way she had been talking the night before, it was no surprise.

"Fish! Wait... Please. I..." Frowning, she dropped the last picture back to the pile, rising to her feet, "It's not what it looks like. I... I know what you must be thinking, and I get it, I do. I.. I know what I said last night, and I know how it sounded. I just... Fisher, I need to..." Breathing out, she sat down again, her hands balling into the couch cushion beneath her, "I need to know who he is. I need to understand. To see him... And this is the only way I know how. I.."

Inhaling sharply, she looked away, her eyes stinging as she shut them momentarily against the barrage of images, "I need to know how he became all of this. Because you keep telling me that it's not my fault, but I look at these pictures and all I can think, all I have ever been able to think is that I did this." Her voice broke and looking at him again, she shuddered out another breath, "I did this. I made him into this. And I can't shake it, Fish. I don't know how! But I thought maybe... maybe I'd find something that made it clear. Something that made sense out of it. Only I can't. I just... All I see is... is one stupid decision ruining so many lives."
 
Fisher Hawkins

He didn't dare look at her. He couldn't. He wasn't sure what he was feeling, anger, guilt, sadness. His fists balled at his sides and he shook his head. What else.. what else was there left to say? If she wanted to believe she made Solomon, then she could. He couldn't do anything about it. Something in his bones.. something in his heart told him it wasn't her fault, but if she wanted so desperately to think the other way around maybe he should start doing the same.

"I can't help you, Lilah." He said bitterly. "I don't know how to help you anymore. You just.. you don't want to listen." He shook his head. "It's not like I know anything about him either. If you want to go, spend your life on chasing down someone who's already fucking broken, go ahead. Do it. Looks like you won't get your kick anywhere else."

He didn't know if it was Lilah's fault or not. He really didn't know. But he couldn't believe that if one little thing set them off, why wouldn't another. What if Fish had come to him the day before and said John had beat him up. What would Solomon had done then? He swallowed. Solomon might have cared too much for the wrong reasons.

"If you really are that desperate, take everything." He muttered. "Take all of it and go."
 
Delilah Buress

"Why are you trying to fix me? Why are you always trying to fix everything??" The words sounded angry, but her tone was soft, and shaking her head, she ran her fingers through her hair, across her face with a sigh of frustration.

"Why is it okay for you to spend your life on this? Why are you the exception? Huh?" As a touch of irritation rose, so too did she, and looking at him, she shook her head, "You think I know what the hell I want, Fish? You think I can go that far ahead in my mind right now? I can't even inagine walking out that door... Because what's ahead of me scares the hell out of me! And all you keep saying is you can't help me. But only because you have this screwed up vision of who I am, and it's not fair!"

Shaking her head, she lowered her gaze to the pictures on the table, "I don't need to be fixed. I just needed a friend. But maybe you forgot what that is.. All this time, running around in a costume, justifying what you do with a swift nickname and some media attention. But it's no different than what you think I'm doing... What you think I wanna do! And you've never been a hypocrite, Fish... Not till now. You want me to go, I'll go. But don't make it sound like I'm the one pushing you away... Cause maybe I did before, but this is on you."

Shaking her head, eyes stinging, she turned away, "I can't live on whatever damn pedestal you made for me... And I'm not gonna spend my life struggling to get up the column just so I don't feel inferior."
 
Fisher Hawkins

His steely look of anger melted away with each word, and as it was replaced with shoulders that dropped with guilt, Fish struggled to hold onto it. Knockout was different.. Knockout was different. Constantly he had to convince himself, he wasn't on some deranged path, the same one he was trying to keep Lilah from now.

"What about the pedestal you put me on?" He croaked. "So good, so honest? I'm not just some — some cute little kid anymore. Don't keep pretending I am," He bit back with a renewed ferocity, but hell if he knew what he was fighting for anymore.

"I don't want you to spend your life on this because you've already got one." He mumbled. "There's no.. no two ways about this. If you look, you don't stop looking until it's done. You become whoever you have to become just to keep looking. I'm just trying.. I'm trying to justify it Lilah, but I can't even do it for myself." He swallowed and shook his head.

"I can't be who you want me to be for you. And don't say I didn't try. Do you want me to sit idly by while you run after him? Is that what you need in a fucking friend? Well sorry for asking you to let it go. Sorry for knowing that where you're headed is a fucked up path, and sorry someone's finally gotta burst your bubble and tell you."

He didn't want to admit she was right, at least in some ways. Because if he admitted she was right she would feel justified, go off and do whatever the hell she wanted to do. Shaking with nerves, he leaned against the wall with an air of defeat. "I don't know what you want, but I know where you're headed because I'm already there, and I've already done it."