Asmo's Funeral

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Certified Subdomain
Original poster
Posting Speed
  1. Speed of Light
Writing Levels
  1. Douche
Preferred Character Gender
  1. No Preferences
We join our news team at the funeral of Asmodeus T. Ukawi, famous novelist and political activist, who sadly passed away last week, age 94.

*The camera moves into the funeral home, pausing briefly to watch an old woman rush by on a wheelchair*

DIANA: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

*The cameraman sighs and continues moving. A group of old people are assembled in the main room. One of them is dressed in Scientology robes*

PALONIS: Okamala durn cherotang! Yes, brothers and sisters, pray with me. Pray that our beloved Asmodeus transcends these earthly bounds and enters the gates of Raquia, the seventh heaven, where he shall be be attended by the fourteen maidens of Klendarrg. Chant with me now...

KITTI: Shut the fuck up, pin dick! I'll break your fucking face!

*An old woman swings a stick at Palonis. The two of them are separated by nurses.*

In 2039, Kitti became the founder of Fukubak, the market leader in Assertiveness Training. She provided the financial backing for today's funeral.

*The camera sets up next to a table, where Rory sits in a wheelchair wearing desert camouflage. He lowers his oxygen mask and flashes a smile*

RORY: So anyway, my fourth wife says to me, "I want two new swimming pools", and I say to her, "You want two swimming pools? What's wrong with one?" And she says, "Nothing, but your last wife took half of everything and I'm just planning ahead!"

*He laughs heartily and the nurses around the table laugh along politely*

Rory was cured of Autism in 2046.

RORY: But nah, really, it was fine. I brought her the pool. It cost a few thousand, but I didn't mind.

He was cured of being Jewish in 2051.

The camera is knocked as a grey-haired man pushes by, dressed in a sharp business suit and talking on a cellphone.

COFFEE: Okay, give me two million on Betacam and tell Jerry I want a ten o'clock with the Senator. Oh, and get Tokyo on Conference Call. Either they invest now or we're out, you got it? Can't make the 5 o'clock - I'm at a funeral. Okay, yeah, reschedule for Monday. And while you're at it, get me reservations for two at Don Michelles, nine o'clock, and wear something nice. No? Then buy yourself something - my treat. Something red - it brings out your eyes. I'll take your blushing for a 'yes'. See you at nine, babes. Ciao.

After resolving the crisis in the Middle East, Coffeecakesadist is now a leading Wall Street banker. He flew in today's guests with his personal helicopter squadron.

*An old woman rushes past the window in a wheelchair*

DIANA: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

*Vay stands nervously in front of the camera, holding a glass of sherry*

VAY: So yeah, we thought we owed it to the Old Man to come pay our respects. Everyone's here... except Ryker of course... y'know... cos he's still chasing the guy who knocked up his daughter.

CAMERAMAN: Yeah, we saw the news report.

VAY: Yeah... Anyway, it was a shock to most of us. I mean, we thought old Asmo would live forever, like he always threatened. But... I guess... I guess everyone has limits, y'know?

CAMERAMAN: And how did Asmodeus die?

*Vay looks nervously at the camera and clears his throat*

VAY: Erm well... it wasn't really his fault, y'know. It was the lock... it broke you see, and he couldn't get out. I mean, we didn't know that Megane was in there either. But... well... I guess it just happened. When we realised, we rushed to get the door open, but it was too late. Asmo had been in the room with Megane for over five minutes. He never really stood a chance.

*he swirls his drink sadly*

VAY: His heart just lost the will to beat...

*the camera lingers on Vay, then pans towards the corner, where there is painful coughing*

*A group of nurses sit in the corner, giving cough medicine to a tiny, shrivelled baby*

PORG: Just... just a little more tea...?

*One of the nurses shushes Porg, while another prepares a tranquilizer*

VAY: Oh, hey Sakura.

*The camera turns back to see a young girl standing next to Vay*

*Sakura waves*

SAKURA: Hi hi, camera-onii-desu-chan-man!!


SAKURA: Puku puku! What's wrong?

CAMERAMAN: Do you EVER age?!

*The camera is knocked over as a naked old man covered in shit tackles the cameraman. A group of orderlies rush in, trying to pull the old man off*


*Chaos tries to smear his shit on the cameraman's face, but is knocked out by an orderly and forced back into his straightjacket*

*Sakura helps the cameraman up again.*

SAKURA: That was a meanie-move of Shitty-chan! I'mma tell my mommie!

CAMERAMAN: Don't touch me!

*The cameraman goes off and sits on a bench, cleaning himself down. Two very old men are sharing an oxygen-mask beside him.*

PIRO: Okay... so... so...right.. Chapter Nine-hundred-and-fifty-two of ICSYL. We get the ninjas to... to attack the spaceship, then that causes the timeloop, right...?

WEAVEL: No... no.. that won't work... cos in Chapter Six-hundred-and-three... we said that ninjas wear yellow... and... and that means they couldn't be mistaken... for space pirates... cos they wear grey... right?

PIRO: No... no... not according to Chapter Four-hundred-and-ninety-seven, where the hippos detonated the nuke...

I Can't See Your Longevity is a long-running Broadway Musical, and rumour has it the producers of Lost are interested in buying the film rights.

*Screams sound as Porg runs across the room and starts climbing the tablecloth to the tea-maker. But he is quickly tazered by his nurses and stuffed into a backpack.*

COFFEE: Okay, tell the engineers to start work on the second pipeline. We can reroute through the Chechen border. Don't worry about the military or the mafia - we have an agreement. Oh, and tell Vladimir: 'Knight to Queen-4'. Let's see how he handles that.

*Kitti kicks over one of the buffet tables*

KITTI: Can we get this fucking thing started already, before any more of these motherfuckers drop dead? COME ON!! I need to take a shit!

PALONIS: Yes everyone! Join hands and let the healing energy of Krakamooie flow through our chakras and guide our mentor's soul to the temple of...


*Palonis and Kitti scuffle again and are broken up by the nurses*

*At the table next to Rory, two elderly gentlemen shake their heads and start talking through electronic voiceboxes*

DARKNESS: Why do we still hang out with these Anime faggots?

TORSTY: I'm gonna steal Asmo's corpse when no one is looking.

DARKNESS: Dude, we can totally snort that shit!

TORSTY: Just wait for my signal, Nigga.

*The camera zooms in on three old Asians as they are interviewed. Subtitles appear on screens mounted to their wheelchairs*

PAOROU: So, we've decided to turn Iwaku into a shrine for Asmodeus.

OROCHI: We'll be roleplaying various moments from his life, while Art and Writing will be reserved for eulogies and portraits. The Cults section will be devoted to various aspects of Asmodeus' personality.

*Paorou's subtitle machine breaks down*

PAOROU: Herpa derp derp, desu desu, kisama kawaii!

NIC: Mabuushi, our new Admin has promised to run a Christmas roleplay in his honour.

OROCHI: We're expecting high levels of participation. Warmaster Death is especially excited.

*The camera pans to the corner, where WMD sits frozen on a golden throne*

CAMERAMAN: ... okay...

*Diana is seen swinging on a tree outside, her wheelchair lying on its side*

DIANA: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

*The camera sits in front of a grey-haired JackShade, who is crying helplessly*

SHADEY: I loved him! He was like a father to me-e-e-e!! *sobs* And...and he never knew! He never knew! All I wanted was for him to hug me and tell me he was proud of me! BUT IT'S TOO LATE!

*JackShade collapses in tears and blows his nose noisily on a handkerchief*

SHADEY: The last... the last time I saw him, he posted a smiley at me. You know, that neutral smiley that doesn't mean anything. And then he said "yarp"... and I hadn't even asked him a question. That's what I loved about him - he was a man of commitment. *sobs* I told him I was struggling with a post and couldn't get it up that night and I'd have to get it up the next night. And he made a joke about erections. He was so witty. But no one ever got his jokes. Only me! ONLY ME!!! NO UNDERSTOOD HIM LIKE I DID!!! AND NOW HE'S GONE! GOOOONE!!!

*JackShade suddenly becomes calm and looks at the cameraman*

SHADEY: Was that okay?

*Cameraman gives the thumbs up and Shadey puts on his I-pod*

*Rory gets up from his wheelchair and starts hugging everyone*

RORY: Okay, my friends, it's time for the funeral to begin! Let's say goodbye to our dear Asmo and then it's back to my place for a party! My treat! Okay? Yaaay!!!

*Kitti rounds up the funeral guests, screaming and shouting at them to stand as the coffin is brought in. Palonis starts playing a harp, JackShade yawns, Coffee texts on his phone and Sakura sucks on a lollipop. Chaos is tied up in the corner, and Porg is hung on the coatstand. Paorou, Nic, Orochi, WMD, Rory, Weavel and Piro are wheeled over by orderlies, and even Diana is dragged in by the nurses, who keep her happy with a ball of twine. Meanwhile, Darkness and Torsty are up on their walking frames, trying to sneak around the room towards the coffin, giggling all the way*

*Psychosis takes the podium and pulls the microphone towards her*

PSYCHOSIS: Welcome everyone. Today we say goodbye to our mentor and father-figure, the one who was always there for us. The one who brought us all together. In honour of Asmodeus, I have written a short work of fiction in his honour. He always believed in the power of the written word, and I couldn't think of a more fitting send-off. So I'd like to read this for you now, and for my dear Asmodeus...

*Psychosis takes out a sheet of paper and clears her throat*

PSYCHOSIS: It was a warm summer day at the farm. Asmo had just finishing chopping wood, and his broad, chiselled torso was covered in sweat. Putting down his axe, he turned and headed for the lake. But little was he to know that Rory, a stable-boy from the next farm was bathing in the lake. Asmo stopped, gazing at Rory's soapy body...


*The camera swings towards Kitti, who is pointing at the coffin*

KITTI: Where the motherfucking fuckfaced fuck is the fucking fucker's body?!

*The crowd gasp as they realise that the coffin is empty. Torsty and Darkness put their voice-boxes to their throats.


*There is evil laughter from outside. The camera swings to the window, where Grumpy is cackling insanely. He hoists Asmo's corpse onto the back of his motorised wheelchair and starts speeding away*

GRUMPY: He shall live again!! LIVE AGAAAAAAIN!!! WOOOAAH!!

*Grumpy collides with a tree, the wheelchair exploding and setting him and Asmo alight.*

*The cameraman sighs and starts packing up his equipment as everyone rushes outside to deal with the fire. In the corner, Chaos gets hold of the backpack and starts eating Porg*

CHAOS: Yeah! Ohmn! Take this, motherfucker! Ohmn-nohm! I win. Ohmn! My teeth are rank 5 and I... Ohmn-nohm! ... I planned all this anwyay. Nohm! So there!

*Vay taps the cameraman on the shoulder.*

VAY: we'll try again next week?

CAMERAMAN: This is the seventh time you've tried to bury Asmodeus!

*Vay scratches his head*

VAY: Yeah... it always was hard to organize things when he wasn't around.

*Diana zooms past towing Asmo's corpse with her wheelchair*

DIANA: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
You two are the same as Kitti.

Do more stuff that I can spoof.
*Whimpers more*

I would NEVER swear at someone's funeral.... Maybe get drunk and cry about the times that I led Issa into your room while you slept.......
I'm glad to see that even in my old age I am still fun! >:D
Sunnuvabitch...he's still alive?

Everyone grab a shotgun, burning torch, or pitchfork and follow me.

And thats why I always keep my Megane locked in his cage.

Why to they need to kill everything thats is good and awsome in this world?
...This being on fire thing is kinda overrated. And it kinda hurts, apart from anything else.
Hehe :33 I never age XD

AND WAHHH ^.^ Asmupuu remembered PUKUPUKU~<33
Taken from Chapter Five-Dickity-Two "And hark-en the FB sings. We shall long talk about his legacy as one to learn from. Come all ye ungrateful and let us bring geese to mess up Funeral 8."

Heh heh heh, I like it.
Why would I want to snort your body? It'd be more practical to fire it up on the bong.

I bet you'd make some excellent LSD though.
Wait...I become an Admin when Asmo dies? Huh. That changes a few things...
I must be really senile, as all I'd do is criticize the funeral for not having enough food or liquor or women.
I don't get how I'm suddenly the cultured religious type. What, did I lose all my sarcastic idiocies in my old(er) age? You've got to explain this sudden shift in characterization right now, Asmo, because spoof works have to be 100% compliant with established canon!

*plays the harp(sichord)*
You've lost all your cynicsm and misanthropy and become a believer in transcendental spiritualism and scientology.

I think the joke speaks for itself.