Asmo and Tegan Pitch a Graphic Novel

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Tegan, Sep 5, 2014.

  1. Asmo and I are pitching this idea to an indie comics publisher tomorrow. Constructive feedback would be greatly appreciated because we are crippled pee pee pants babies. Not lookin' for compliments. We're looking for nitpicks and complaints. GIVE US THE BUSINESS.

    Some of you might recognize this as the horrible spawn of a onexone we did a few years back.


    If Loren Bouchard and Doc Hammer submitted a screenplay to Pixar, only to have it rejected outright, this would be the graphic novel they publish to settle their gambling debts.

    POWERS THAT BE, a global body for the registration and integration of superhuman citizens. For fifty years the P.T.B. has assigned heroes to Threat-Rated areas across the globe. But the agency has a second, less publicized role: the rehousing of displaced sidekicks and orphaned minions.

    In the Cornish town of Penkos, rated 0.09 on the Threat Scale, a handful of disgraced former sidekicks have been placed in the care of a veteran super hero, Chip Hupper. Chip is the leader of the Paper Tigers team, once a legend, now a joke. Their budget allocation is so miniscule that the Paper Tigers must run a local pub to make ends meet.

    This is a story about failure, redemption and the plight of service industry workers.

    Chip Hupper: an indestructible alien with super strength from the Silver Age of heroes.
    Levity Cho: a waitress with ADHD who can manipulate gravity.
    Gribble: a racist, junkie rabbit on the hunt for the AntiChrist.
    Xerxthu, Render of Souls: a bartending necromancer from the Seventh Circle.
    Gordon: a P.T.B. bureaucrat investigating the numerous health and safety violations and sexual harassment complaints filed against the Paper Tigers.

    @unanun @DotCom @Jack Shade @Grumpy @fatalrendezvous @Kooriryu @CoffeeCake @Xnijmai @Ozzie Chanter @Vay @Zen @Diana
    #1 Tegan, Sep 5, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2014
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    A pub by the Cornish coast, shrouded in mist. Three
    silhouettes: a young waitress, a hooded monster, and a two
    foot tall rabbit.

    GRIBBLE (O.S.)
    You fackin’ wot?

    GRIBBLE stands by a trash can. He looks like the crack-baby
    of Bugs Bunny and Scrappy Doo. He wears a backpack and holds
    a lager can bigger than his head.

    LEVITY, the waitress, nurses a dying SEAGULL in her arms.

    It makes sense. You’re the animal.
    You’ve got...instincts.

    When’s the last time ye saw a
    rabbit in a trashcan?

    XERXTHU, a cloaked horror, with tattered robes beneath his
    tracksuit, releases a SHRIEK OF ANCIENT MALICE.

    Xerxthu’s right: he and I can’t go
    in there. We’re food handlers. But
    you - you’re...
    ...what exactly is your job?

    Gribble swigs from his lager can.

    That’s fer me to know and you to go
    fuck yerself.

    The seagull thrashes, milking its death scene.

    Vee dug too deep! To a place beyond
    God. Undone, vee are, by our mortal

    A fourth silhouette is suddenly next to them.

    VOICE (O.S.)
    Why is that seagull Russian?

    Gribble, Levity and Xerxthu stare at the silhouette. The
    mist clears a little to reveal GORDON, a pale, well-dressed,
    boring man holding a clipboard.

    Who the fack are you?

    I ordered a lime and soda water.

    Xerxthu sighs, turns his back, mutters an ESOTERIC
    INCANTATION, summoning the dark powers. Then turns back and
    offers Gordon a frothy green drink. A maggot drops from his
    wrist and lands in the glass, drowning in agony.

    Actually, I’m, er, vegan.

    Xerxthu WAILS. Gordon scribbles on his clipboard, not once
    taking his eyes off the necromancer.

    Meanwhile, the seagull beats his wings on Levity. It really wants that

    Do not be prying into the dark.
    Some things must be left unknown!

    The seagull dies dramatically. Levity slowly places it on
    the ground, looking saddened. Behind her, Xerxthu pours away
    the green drink, which bubbles on the pavement.

    It was trying to warn us about the
    trash can. Something crazy scary
    must have gone down.

    Too right it ’as. I gotta share the
    shitter with a soul-sucking
    ’ellspawn. And Xerxthu too.

    Xerxthu is busy eating the seagull.

    What’s the matter with you? We’re
    supposed to be super heroes.

    This coastline ’as a
    zero-point-zero-nine Threat Ratin’,
    luv. Mah powers o’ givin’ a fuck
    are equivocal.

    Chip took us on because we’re the
    best! This is our chance to show
    him what we can do.

    It’s a chance for you to gimme the
    arsehole, more like. Now shut it!
    I’m tryin’a enjoy me brew.

    Gribble continues drinking.

    Look, I’m sorry to interrupt. But
    The Powers That Be sent me to audit
    this establishment...

    Xerxthu looks up, his faceless cowl turning towards the
    power lines.

    GORDON (V.O.)
    ...due to your previous records,
    there are several health and safety
    issues which the P.T.B. want

    A pair of seagulls stare back at Xerxthu. They are watching
    the scene intently.

    GORDON (V.O.)
    ...firstly, the inappropriate
    disposal of the kitchen grease
    traps. I have it on good authority

    Xerxthu stares at the seagulls. They stare back.


    The trashcan sprouts tentacles, which seize Gribble and pull
    him inside the bin. The rabbit vanishes beneath the waste.

    Jessica fackin’ Christ!

    Rabbit? Trash can? No!

    Levity floats in front of Gordon, looking indignant. She
    seems to have lost focus on Gribble.

    Whoa, whoa. What do you mean
    ’inappropriate disposal’? I’ve been
    dumping the grease right into this
    trashcan for weeks. And I never
    spilled a drop!

    Weeks?! That’s it! You leave me no

    Gordon keeps eye contact with Levity while pointing his pen
    at the back door. He does not see it swing open as he talks.

    I’m giving that kitchen a full
    inspection! God knows what other
    health and safety violations are
    being committed there!

    A man-sized roach in a chef’s hat steps from the door,
    lugging a garbage bag of dolphin parts. The roach stops,
    hears Gordon’s tirade, then slowly slips back into the

    Gordon points to the trash can with his pen.

    Aren’t you going to get him out of
    there? This is a clear case of
    animal abuse!

    Gribble can be heard inside the trash can, wrestling with

    GRIBBLE (O.S.)
    Shit! Fuck! Ya cunt! Get off!

    A valiant, heroic voice rings out through the alley.

    VOICE (O.S.)
    The stooge is right!


    CHIP, a blond Herculean in spandex, poses majestically on
    top of the recycling bin.

    Gribble is one of our own. We can’t
    let him go in there without back
    up! Paper Tigers...

    (Dramatic Point TM)
    ...let’s clean up that trash can!

    Levity hovers over the trash can, shouting.


    GRIBBLE (O.S.)
    Bugger me! This thing’s full of--
    (Inexorable agony)
    #2 Asmodeus, Sep 5, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2014
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    I find this weird and wtf! But the script caught my attention and was amusing. >> I dunno how this is going to translate in to a graphics novel, but I can very easily see it in my head as a cartoon.

    Ping me when there's unicorns!

    (Also verily good lucks, or break your legs? I don't know! >>)
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  4. It's guud and it has your mark of humour, but it needs to go somewhere. As nonsensical as most pilots are (Venture bros, rick and morty), they have an episodic plot that kicks in very early which showcases the character's quirks.
  5. The Soviet Seagull Trashcan plot not enough for you?
  6. If the pilot focused on them trying to pass a health inspection .. that'd be cool. Or if you actually found a portal to Evil in the trashcan. Just go somewhere with it instead of having all these weird personalities smoosh into each other.
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  7. I agree with unanun. I assume the pilot is going to be longer than this so there is still work yet to be done, but already I do find it amusing. But, yes, I agree that it needs a little bit more direction and that as is, it's a little lackluster.
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  8. I sort of like the personality smooshing. I see a dark and/or irreverent humor focused on your weird-ass characters. Cheers, if Norm was a mopey vampire necrophiliac. *shrug* I'd watch that. I wouldn't read it -- too episodic -- but I'd watch it. Otherwise, build around your haunted trashcan. But keep your fucking voice(s). That shit is gold on its own.
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  9. The others all raise good points. If you focus on the team desperately trying to pass the health inspection, that would give you plenty of material to work with.

    Also, (and I'm aware of the irony of this statement when coming from me) I think Gribble is a great character but is maybe dropping the F-Bombs a little too much. Yes, this is coming from a guy who's had characters using that word like a fucking comma, but maybe expand his range of naughty words you wouldn't say in front of your grandmother. Malcolm Tucker, rather than full-blown Jamie.
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  10. Asmo/Tegan Idea

    Alright, so I've been thinking over some of the stuff you've checked up and I thought I'd ask a couple questions and comments about the characters you've got set so far.

    Levity: Seems like the perfect straight man (or girl) in amongst the rest of the cast; a would-be squeaky clean, boyscout-ernest do-gooder stuck in the ass end of nowhere. Plenty of comedy to play off with that.

    Chip Hupper: Admittedly we've only seen a little bit of him in the sample Asmo posted, but I'm wondering about this dude. Are you planning on making him all heroic and ernest and noble? Or are you going for the more "bitter, washed-up vet" kind of feel? Cos I reckon Levity kinda has the former covered, but the latter has some potential. Playing him like a burned-out Superman could pretty funny (and actually kinda sad).

    Gribble: Change nothing. I love him already.

    Xerxthu, Render of Souls: I'm guessing that we're not going to be hearing much from this guy in a tongue that ordinary human ears can comprehend, which could be good for a giggle. How is he supposed to look? Cos with a name like that, I'm kinda picturing some gibbering Star Spawn of Cthulhu mixing drinks.

    Gordon: The perfect antagonist for a pack of wild, unstable disgraced sidekicks, I reckon. Is that what you're going for? Or were the Commie Seagulls supposed to be filling that role?
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  11. Levity has now become a Hipster, convinced that the Paper Tiger team is the best thing around.

    Chip is a washed up Superman, yes. But he still pretends that he's great. A more tragic Zapp Brannigan.

    Xerxthu is exactly what you described.

    Gordon is now "Navin" - a by-the-books Indian who plays as the foil in most episodes.

    But in Episode One, it's the seagulls who take the antagonist role.
  12. I want to go to there.
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  13. Chip has a sad, sad story. So does Levity. And there's a side to Xerxthu we won't reveal until chapter 3 or so. Gribble is Gribble.


  14. You could do some pretty funny shit with Xerxthu in the background of panels. Kind of similar to what they were doing with Groot in Guardians Of The Galaxy; whilst the others are sitting around and chatting, your gribbly monster bartender could be getting up to all manner of shenanigans.

    Also, what sort of accent is Gribble supposed to have? I'm sort of getting London from what you've written, but it could be something else.
  15. Yeah, it's a toned down cockney. I didn't want to overwhelm people with the rhyming slang.

    Though I assume Canadians are a little more receptive...

    We're setting up Gribble to suspect Xerxthu of being the AntiChrist. This will begin a series of "stalking episodes" in which the rabbit follows the Necromancer and learns that he's actually a philanthropist, friend to orphanages and veterinary clinics. It will be revealed that Xerxthu was fired by his former demonic masters for being inexplicably nice.
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  16. Busy week and Grumpy saying most of the things that immediately came to mind stopped me. Except that I saw Levity more as being in an interesting space between comedic straight-man and being a more subtle and re-active kind of crazy that lets her get along with the others while Chip seemed like the squeaky-clean, do-gooder and Gordon was the classic straight-man.

    Definite Doc Hammer vibe. I also thought of Mike Tyson mysteries though this struck me as funnier than what I've seen of that.

    I see you guys are taking Levity more in a Knives Chau direction. Be prepared for cries of "ripoff" on the internet. But rather than change the name or concept, I'd rather suggest a few jokes mocking the viewers who think they're so clever for "catching you in the act." A hipster character is perfect for gags involving irony.

    That was actually the vibe I got from him. Fun stuff

    Yeah, I noticed this version of Gribble didn't have me saying to myself, "Heheh, I know that one... I hope nobody complains about it." like the other iterations.
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  17. Yay for being gone from the site because life. XD Hope I'm not too late to the party.

    Pacing might be an issue, although it's been a while since I've picked up a graphic novel/comic/manga/whatever the fuck it's called lately. >_> BOOKS WITH PICTURES AND DIALOGUE BOXES. It seems like you guys are taking a while to get to the action. The dialogue doesn't seem to serve any purpose other than to reveal the character's personality in certain places.

    What are you doing well is making sure something is happening in the background while the characters are talking. From the reader's and artist's perspective, it will keep them engaged and active as they move along the page. The readers' eyes will be gobbling up everything, and the artist will have something to do other than draw the characters with their mouths moving.
  18. I somehow feel refreshed having read that post @Asmodeus .
    That entire scene was absolutely absurd and yet strangely enjoyable to imagine.
  19. Oh yeah.... that thing we never heard back on...

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