Are you a bread squeezer?

[unanun]

From Y2K:​

For three years, grocers in Bucks County have been baffled by a stealthy outlaw who they say sauntered through their aisles quietly ambushing their baked goods.

Their shelves were lined with bags of crumbled cookies and bread that was smashed, poked and twisted beyond any hope of being sold.

"It was mutilated. You could actually see there was a hand there," said Lou DeFranceseo, general manager of McCaffrey's market in Yardley, where the culprit struck dozens of times.

http://articles.philly.com/2000-01-28/news/25597822_1_cookie-firm-bread-baked-goods

 

[Minibit]

Nope, but I've worked in bakeries and can confirm this happens.

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

But there's still one big thing about this crook we don't know yet.

 

[Esthalia]

I've seen people do it, and I'm not really sure why they do it. It's kinda easy to see if it's soft or hard bread >>

 

[ᴛᴏᴄᴋᴀ]

I give it a little squeeze, not hard enough for anyone to notice it, but enough to make sure the breads not near going stale or not. It's a habit. =/

 

[ASTA]

Maybe they're just heavy-handed.

They must feel awful for having such strong mitts.

 

[Jorick]

Pftt, squeezing heathens. I prod bread lightly with a single finger if I can't tell by sight, never hard enough to leave a permanent mark.

 

[Esthalia]

Pftt, squeezing heathens. I prod bread lightly with a single finger if I can't tell by sight, never hard enough to leave a permanent mark.

Such a gentle bread lover, I'm almost jelous...



Guys! what if they're all yeast mediums?

John was walking through the grocery store, just there to pick up a loaf or two for dinner. Something had been bothering him ever since he's passed the granola section, but he put it to the back of his mind, eyes on the prize and focused on making it out of there in good time. He was not expecting to turn the corner of the bread isle to hear a hundred little whispers, hauntingly beautiful as they chanted their utmost desire in unison...

"We knead you, John"

 

[Windsong]

This.. This is a thing?

My parents instilled a healthy fear of smashing the bred. What these monsters do is tantamount to soft and fluffy HERESY!

Bread always goes on top of everything and get's a special VIP spot in the front seat.

[spoili]Then when I make a sandwich I smoosh it as much as possible.[/spoili]

 

[Torsty]

Bread for the bread God.

 

[Windsong]

Bread for the bread God.

Toast for the Toast Throne.

 

[Darog]

I treat my bread like I treat my women in bed: Rough, rowdy and thrown about.

 

[Esthalia]

I treat my bread like I treat my women in bed: Rough, rowdy and thrown about.

Oh bby, you've caught my rye.

 

[unanun]

As the de-facto sovereign of this thread I hereby ban all puns on penalty of death.

 

[Esthalia]

I'm sorry, I'm a crepe...I'm a weirdough...

I doughnut belong here...



I'm ready to go into that big ol' oven in the sky, Unanun. Consider me baked.

 

[unanun]

Into the oven with you.

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

Into the oven with you.

 

[unanun]

Let all in attendance note that I didn't do that, I was just following Esthalia. My original intent was to discuss the heinous crime of bread squeezing.

LOCK THREAD BEFORE RACISM BEGINS

 

[Tegan]

I am not a bread squeezer, but in accordance with state and federal laws, I am obligated to inform you that I am a registered Bread Frottage'r.

 

[Asmodeus]

Better the bread gets squeezed than the soft skulls of infants.

One less serial killer at work.