I don't know how you lot see me. Not that I've thought much about it, I think I've kept up a pretty good façade this whole time. But, I must say, there's a confession I must make. I am not who I think you think I am. Some may see me as joking, caring, wacky, I don't know. Point is, I'm actually obsessed about inflating my ego, to the point where it's starting to seep through the cracks in my defences. Whenever I attempt something, I always have to try and be the best at it. This is to a degree where I feel physically enraged whenever I get anything below 'excellent' for anything. Take, for example, school. I work, and I get a B at a difficult subject. Should I be happy? yes. Am I? Like hell I am. I'm always thinking "I have to master this. I have to be better than everyone, or feels I'm a failure." That is my attitude towards school in a nutshell. I have to be the best, get As or A-stars, or else I'm not doing good enough. It's because I want people to admire me. There's no other reason. I want people to say how great I am, to tell me how wonderful I am. There's no deep-seated hatred, no lack of encouragement, nothing. I just want people to admire me, to the point where it's abnormal. I keep it hidden well enough. But, there are times where my massive ego seeps through, and I let my true, condescending, hateful and prideful self through. I scorn those around me, pushing them away or around like dirt. And while I hate myself for it, I don't at the same time. it's hard to explain. I cover it up as a joke, but I've never felt guilty about verbally abusing them. No shame, no nothing. My friends, the people who trust me, who I trust more than myself at times, and I feel no guilt about showing genuine malice towards them. Because I thought I was better than they were. I could go on, but I won't. Which brings me to a conclusion - a request, if you will. Help me deflate my ego. Please. I've tried it on my own, but there are two mes - the rational one that's typing this, and the other one who hates even having his ego challenged. I like my friends. I don't want to lose them. But my opinion and expectations of myself are just far too inflated for me to be able to do things. Get me to face reality. I don't care what you do, or how you do it. Just make sure I know my place in this world, and that I can see where I should stand on things. I'm doing all I can to suppress myself, but the strain is killing me.