Addressing My Attitude Problems

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Laggy Lagiacrus, Mar 3, 2013.

  1. I don't know how you lot see me. Not that I've thought much about it, I think I've kept up a pretty good façade this whole time. But, I must say, there's a confession I must make.
    I am not who I think you think I am.

    Some may see me as joking, caring, wacky, I don't know. Point is, I'm actually obsessed about inflating my ego, to the point where it's starting to seep through the cracks in my defences.

    Whenever I attempt something, I always have to try and be the best at it. This is to a degree where I feel physically enraged whenever I get anything below 'excellent' for anything. Take, for example, school. I work, and I get a B at a difficult subject. Should I be happy? yes. Am I? Like hell I am. I'm always thinking "I have to master this. I have to be better than everyone, or feels I'm a failure." That is my attitude towards school in a nutshell. I have to be the best, get As or A-stars, or else I'm not doing good enough. It's because I want people to admire me. There's no other reason. I want people to say how great I am, to tell me how wonderful I am. There's no deep-seated hatred, no lack of encouragement, nothing. I just want people to admire me, to the point where it's abnormal.

    I keep it hidden well enough. But, there are times where my massive ego seeps through, and I let my true, condescending, hateful and prideful self through. I scorn those around me, pushing them away or around like dirt. And while I hate myself for it, I don't at the same time. it's hard to explain. I cover it up as a joke, but I've never felt guilty about verbally abusing them. No shame, no nothing. My friends, the people who trust me, who I trust more than myself at times, and I feel no guilt about showing genuine malice towards them.
    Because I thought I was better than they were.

    I could go on, but I won't. Which brings me to a conclusion - a request, if you will. Help me deflate my ego. Please. I've tried it on my own, but there are two mes - the rational one that's typing this, and the other one who hates even having his ego challenged. I like my friends. I don't want to lose them. But my opinion and expectations of myself are just far too inflated for me to be able to do things. Get me to face reality. I don't care what you do, or how you do it. Just make sure I know my place in this world, and that I can see where I should stand on things. I'm doing all I can to suppress myself, but the strain is killing me.
  2. I can offer some advice. I've had people ask me for help in getting their egos under control and I myself have found these tips to be useful.

    First of all, I'm going to say this: You don't know anything about anything. You're just a speck living on a bigger speck. No matter how many books you read, how many classes you take, how many skills you've mastered... You still don't know much. The universe has more mystery than we could ever hope to understand. What we "know" already might not even be factual. Things are being corrected all the time. I guess where I'm going with this is if you ever feel like that know-it-all, remind yourself that you're not. No one is. It'll keep you from feeling superior in the wrong ways.

    Secondly, try to allow yourself to make mistakes. Don't stress about be number one all the time! Honestly, human beings have more to gain from failures than from success. It's true that failure hurts... But if you look past that, there is a great lesson to be learned. The important thing is you tried and after learning from your mistakes, you can try again with a higher probability of success. To me, a person becomes wiser with each mistake they make. I can say so from experience. From bad relationships, to bad grades, to bad travel routes--I've been able to pass on my experiences to others to help keep them safe from the harms I've endured. That, my dear, is more valuable than being first place.

    Hopefully at least some of what I'm saying makes sense... I'm tired and I have a bad case of 'pregnancy brain'. lol

    Anyway, try to keep those things in mind so you won't hurt your friends. Instead of winning at life, just enjoy it. And seek out the things and people who bring you genuine happiness. A person is truly successful in life when they're happy. I believe that when you can hold onto that happiness, you can count on being less egotistical. It worked for me. I was unhappy until just last year, as a matter of fact. Before that, I felt like I had to be perfect at everything so that people would like me. In my mind: Peoples' approval = self approval. At least, that's what I used to think. So, I understand.

    Also, just practice being happy even if you're not. Smile for no reason, laugh at stupid stuff, you know? Don't go into our Happy themed threads for the month of March with instant grief. Instead, participate in the activities and discussions that Diana and the others are sharing with an effort to be positive. Even if it's the teensiest bit of effort, it's a start. You won't get anywhere by being a downer all the time. You'll just be stuck all the time if you're negative all the time.

    Hoping for the best.
  3. First off, thanks for taking the time to help. I don't usually talk about my problems, likely because nobody bothers to even try and help, so seeing someone give a hand is a breath of fresh air.

    I know I don't know everything, and I'm tiny in comparison with everything. But that's one of the things that drives me - I want to be big, to leave as much of an impression as I can. If I don't know something, I do what I have to to learn it. There are things I've given up on and felt bitter about, but if I can do it, I will do it. I hate being insignificant, and I've never been able to shake it.

    For me, failure is never an option - I have to succeed. I'm scared stiff of failure, to the point where coming first place becomes borderline obsessive. I'm a bitter person by nature, and if I'm bested at something - which I usually am - there's always that sense of inferiority. I've never cared about trying - I've always approached life thinking that trying and failing means that I should never have tried at all. All I see is wasted effort, and another reason for people to tread on me. So if failure's the most likely outcome, no matter what it is, I don't try. And when I do try, it's obsessive. I have to be better than everyone else. I've always found it difficult to understand what's more important than success in a competition - I've always thought competitions were there to prove who's superior to who in a certain area.

    Winning for me is what makes me truly happy, though. I'm not going to lie, I take pleasure in gloating. It's sad, but it's true. The prospect of being better than everyone and being able to prove it is what makes me truly happy. Friends, family, things like that - they make me happy, but just that. happy. I only truly feel I can be happy if I beat people at something, if I've won things. I like being able to look at things, and think "I got that because I was the best. I got there because I'm better than them at this."

    Thing is, I'm a miserable person by default. Whether it was ingrained or whether I was born with it, my cup is always half-empty. I can't do anything but look at life without seeing the bad things first. I don't smile, because there's no reason for me to. I don't laugh, because stupidity irritates me. I pretend to be amused, pretend to be enamoured by things, but the truth of the matter is that I hate too many things to be happy about them. I think it's gotten to the point where optimists and happy people make me physically sick. I think I've snapped at my friends more than once in the past seven days alone, for the sheer fact that they found amusement in something stupid. I've tried to "get with it," but to no avail. I can't remember the last time I genuinely smiled, because I was happy about something. My best guess is about three years ago.
  4. Just a little update, nothing special.
    Upon Fluffy's advice, I decided to try and be a little less miserable the whole time. Maybe not smiling or being a social butterfly, but baby steps.

    I decided to talk to the girl everyone saw as weird and a freak, bar her friends. We both understood each other and were acquaintances, but we never really spoke. So, against my better judgement, I spoke.
    I can't go into details, lest she accidentally stumble upon this, but we both ended up as better friends than before, and we both assured each other that if we ever needed someone to talk something heavy over with, we'd be able to confide in each other.

    Maybe I can't find happiness in smiling for no reason, laughing at stupid things, or being happy because I'm supposed to be. Maybe I'm just the kid at the back of the classroom, silently doing his work while nobody notices. Maybe I'm supposed to find happiness in other people being happy.
    Success isn't really my thing, as hard as I try. Maybe it's time I started being proud of other people, like my sister, or my friends.
    Maybe I should just accept my limits, and help others reach theirs. It'l be hard for me, but maybe if I accept mediocrity, then people will like me more, instead of the tryhard that fails incessantly.
  5. See you're still obsessed with this whole concept of success & failure. Everyone has their own personal strengths. "Excepting mediocrity" is nothing more then an emotional lashing out. Yes you should be proud of other people's successes, but that doesn't mean limiting your own. Stop letting your pride and your ego get the better of yourself. You are feeling sorry for yourself and honestly that is still the same thing as your original post.

    All this said, no one is happy with who they were as a teenager, but get to chose if you become a better person or worse.
  6. I see the world as composed of success and failure, however. I try not to wallow in self-pity, as frankly, it makes me feel like a failure. And I hate failing, or losing in general. I'm not trying to limit myself when I confine myself to mediocrity, I'm just saying that I can accept my potential and my skills - I may have looked promising, but I honestly believe anyone who believed in me was looking at fool's gold. I'm at the point where my weaknesses are showing, and as much as I try, my personality is obstinate. I'm not able to accept failure as an option, but at the same time, I'm unable to reach the levels of success I so envy other people for getting to.

    I'm always told not to compare myself to others - then who DO I compare myself to? I can't be proud of myself unless I beat people in the process. I'm trying to deflate my ego, but in the end, it just keeps coming back.

    I honestly can't tell if abandoning reason and just focussing on success would make me a better person or not. People say that all the success in the world would mean nothing if you felt empty, but for me, success and winning fills that emptiness.
  7. Have to say sounds like you have bigger issues then just an over inflatted sense of competativeness. Maybe you should step back and look at this envy you have and try to nail where it's really coming from.
  8. I've been looking over myself for while, actually - I've done a bit of soul-searching, and tried to get my head on straight.
    I think my envy stems from not being able to match my peers' standards. It doesn't matter how hard I try, I've never been able to keep pace with them, despite how much I may brag and make myself seem important.
    I want to be as good as - if not better than - them. I want to surpass them, but my repeated attempts over the years have just left me face-down in the dirt. I don't hate them for being successful, but I don't hate myself for failing. I just despise the fact that I'm not as good as they are. I'm jealous that they're all so great at what they do, and that I'm unable to match them.

    I can't see any real reason in the past for it. No trauma, no events, nothing. I'm just greedy, always wanting success. Intellect, wealth, power, I want it, because that's what makes me happy. But it makes me furious to know that they're more likely to get it, while I'm likely going to be stuck near the bottom of the food chain.
  9. I think I've got it.
    I'm naturally like this. There's no breaking it - I was born like this.
    I'm naturally greedy, domineering and power hungry - from my earliest memories, I can remember always trying to impose my will.
    Even when I began to get more and more quiet, I still tried to inflict my opinions on people with varying degrees of subtlety and success.
    You know what the worst thing is? I enjoy it.
    I love being a hateful, prideful, pointlessly cruel and sadistic person. I revel in success gained by crushing people beneath my boot. I admire cheaters who don't get caught. I look up to the people you look down upon. Power is the one thing I want - I've always said I don't want to rule the world because it'd be too much effort, but looking at it, if I could take it, I would.
    Maybe there's no hope for me. Maybe I'm just destined to be the one person who always has to settle for second best, despite his delusions of grandeur. But I won't stop trying to make it big. Because I want it all. My fixation on success... Maybe it stems from my greed. I lust for other people to submit to me. I would honestly, truly be happy if people were just crushed beneath my heel. I'm the kind of person who wouldn't care if everyone in the world despised him, if his parents disowned him, if his friends abandoned him. I've just realised that I don't need those people to hug me and tell me it's all right. I just need to be able to comfort myself with wealth, power, and superiority. I'm despicable, and you know what? I like it.

    People say children aren't born bad, they're raised bad. I believe that to be a horrendously bad lie. I believe I was born how I am, it's just taken me until now to realise. I'm happy with this - I'm happy, knowing that even though people may hate me for my dreams of a world in absolute submission, I can still please myself. Even though I hate how I can never match the talent displayed by everyone around me, no matter how hard I try, I still have ambition, and the most crucial part of moving up in the world - the ability to abandon my morals at a moment's notice, doing disgusting things just so I can satisfy my overinflated ego.

    Thank you, everyone. Thank you for helping me to realise that I'm not some joke-making, kind and loving person.
    Thank you for helping me realise how thoroughly unscrupulous I am. How brilliantly delusional I can be. You have shown me myself.

    I shall no longer shun that which people hate to see in a person. I will embrace it. I will let it take me over. Because that's how I see the world. A place where only those who sell their souls will be truly successful, and a place where I can be happy.
  10. Oh look, it's me, 15 years ago.

    Don't blame the world for your twisted perception. The world is more than any one man can define. It has ugliness and beauty, the foul and the sublime. It can give you the greatest gifts and the hardest blows.

    You don't want to dominate people. You just want to dominate the voices in your head.

    If you're so desperate for people to hate you, then why type out all that bile you just did? Why submit yourself to these endless cycles you go through on Iwaku of posting inane roleplays then posting counselling threads; ranting then raving. Clearly you're looking for someone to help you. Clearly you're trying to find some light. And that bullshit you just posted is not the answer. It's just a clumsy and lazy resort to supremacist hatred.

    Anyone can do that.

    Anyone can sit back and say the world is shit and you'd rather be the next Hitler than actually make the effort to achieve a state of grace.

    This is your counselling thread and you're free to say what you want. But this is just sad.

    The true test of an ego is having the courage to reach out to someone. That's what I did with all my hatred, arrogance and delusions of grandeur. I turned it into benevolence. I helped make other people's lives better, against all odds and obstacles that were thrown in their way. That doesn't mean I sold my soul. It doesn't mean I'm the messiah. It just means I grew up.

    But you're all twisted-up and on your anti-hero kick right now, so I won't bother completing this thought process.

    The only tally of your success will be the lives you've touched.

    You have all this power to think about yourself, to reflect, to philosophize and psychoanalyze? Use it for something more than whining all over this forum.

    And please don't bother trying to counter-attack my character. I'm not the one asking for feedback.
  11. Then tell me what to do.
    All this need to prove myself bigger and better, and my huge ego - they're not just going to walk off at a moment's notice.
    I don't want people to hate me, I'm just indifferent towards how they see me.
    But the initial point of this thread was for me to have someone slap me in the face and tell me to grow a pair. And I can't do that to myself.
    So I need you to tell me how I'm going to grow up and face myself, instead of being some whining supremacist whose idea of being better than everyone, is by wanting to crush them under his heel.
    Because, quite frankly, that's looking far more appealing than helping people right now.

    I have no idea what I am or what I want to do any more. I don't know what's causing it, but more than anything, I want... Maybe dominance isn't the right word. Maybe admiration isn't either. Maybe it's time I just cooled my jets, logged off for a week, and let myself do something productive for once. I'l make no excuses, I'm a hateful teenager with an attitude that drives people up the wall, and I don't know whether I want to fix it or not. I don''t know if I can.

    I suppose I've never been good with asking for help. I've always been too proud to do it. I've always suffered for it, as well. I've always felt that if I couldn't do it by myself, then I couldn't do it at all. It led to me wanting to prove myself, by myself, which ended up making a vicious circle. I suppose... Maybe I just wanted people to tell me I did well. That I was doing good, and that I should keep it up. Maybe. I don't know.

    As I said, maybe it's time I just threw in the towel and let myself simmer down. I can't keep running away and whine about my problems. Maybe It's time I solved them, and cleared my head.

    I suppose I owe you all an apology for being such an entitled and impertinent little... you get the idea. And I suppose I owe Asmodeus some sort of thanks, for not sugarcoating it. I needed a slap in the face, and someone to tell me to grow up.

    I'm going to stay off the site for at least a week. I think Iwaku's had enough of me for a while. positivity's never been my strongest trait, and I'm just ruining everyone else's mood. I'll try and be more level-headed in future.