Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Robeatics, May 12, 2016.

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  1. I've never felt the urge to really talk about this, but at this point I just need to get it out of my system and seek help.

    My older sister has a very strong personality. Ever since she was a little kid, she's been hammy and headstrong, which earned her a great GPA and all sorts of academic merit when she graduated high school and moved on to college. But it also gave her the idea to push me around since I was a little girl. Even when she was ten, she was crafty about it. Not to blame her, but my mom's solution to every dispute was to take the disputed item away from everyone, so whenever my sister felt like using the computer while I was on, all she had to do was demand it. We both knew I would get it taken away if I tried to stand my ground, so she got it most of the time. The few times my mom wasn't around, I would argue with her, and she would just shut the computer off and stomp away.

    This trend continues in just about every form. This morning, I was getting ready for school before sunrise, so I turned the lights on at about a quarter of their full brightness. My sister, who is sharing my room for a few weeks while she hunts for an apartment, immediately started yelling and screaming for me to turn them off, questioning the reasoning behind my turning them on like it was illogical. I stood my ground, because I guess I thought if I stood up to her enough, she would learn to treat her family with respect. But, when she realized barking at me wouldn't work, she got up, stomped over to the light switch and turned them off. I stood off to the side so she wouldn't have an excuse to shove me, but she did anyway on the way back, as revenge. I smacked her on the shoulder much harder than I'd anticipated, at which point I knew she'd retaliate just as harshly. She grabbed a little toy gun I've have since I was a kid and slammed it against a hard makeup case, trying to break it. It didn't break, thankfully, but it felt so childish and bizarre for a 20-year-old to act like that when she doesn't get her way. After that, my grandparents got involved to tell her to knock it off, and she proceeded to scream at me further about the lights, and how rude I was, and she was dropping f-bombs left and right. I'm not bothered by cursing, but it was right in front of my 70-year-old grandmother. I went to school close to tears, and here I am.

    I try to be as self-aware as possible. I know that I play the victim card a lot whenever I argue with her, but she accuses me of acting like I'm always on the moral high ground, and uses that as a way to shut down any of my appeals.

    What's interesting is that my grandmother and my mom wonder how my sister will treat her roommate, but I already know the answer. She'll act like a well-mannered person just fine, maybe complain about the roommate behind her back, but otherwise be reasonable and accomodating. I get the feeling she treats my family, and most especially me, the way she does because she knows, subconsciously or consciously, that I can't escape her, even when she treats me like shit for most of my life.

    The worst part, though, is how well we get along sometimes. She can be so friendly with me, as long as I don't piss her off, though sometimes other things will piss her off and she'll complain about it to me until I get tired of hearing it and tell her as much, at which point she'll get pissed at me. I like hanging out with her most of the time, but I just hate feeling like nothing I say matters to her.

    I have so much more I want to say. I'm just hurt and confused. She makes me feel like shit sometimes, but sometimes I'm happy to get to hang out with her for a whole day. Is she abusive? Am I being abused? I mean, I know the signs of abuse like breaking personal items, blaming the victim for everything, hitting, biting, screaming and emotional whatever, and I know that abuse is a cycle of abuse, apology, honeymooning, tension and abuse again, but I just don't want to apply that to me. I don't think she'll ever seriously hurt me. I think she really does care about me, she's just too wrapped up in herself to see how much she hurts me. She's apologized for how she's treated me before, promised she'd change, but she hasn't.
  2. Sounds like your sister has a bad case of being a selfish, entitled little shit. My first inclination is to call it just typical sibling bullying and shittiness, but what is that sort of behavior if not abusive? All the more so if it extends into ages when they should certainly know better than to treat people like shit.

    It's got all the hallmarks of abuse, though honestly this is the first time I've ever even considered shitty sibling behavior as a form of abuse. It's something that a lot of people would probably write off because siblings are expected to be assholes to one another.

    So it's kind of weird, but I think it's accurate to call this sort of behavior abusive. That last paragraph is what solidified that opinion, by the way. Those last three sentences sound almost exactly the same as what a friend of mine said about her abusive ex while she was still dating him. :/
  3. We spoke today just recently about it, and she said she'd try to pause and breathe before she blows up again. We might go to counseling soon. Hopefully we can fix this.
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  4. It sounds like abuse to me - abuse can come in many forms, it doesn't need to be regular, physical, or leave marks. To me it sounds like your sister may be bipolar or at least have deep emotional issues she may need to sort out. If she is happy and sweet one moment, and then shoving you (which is definitely abuse) and screaming the next, it's like constantly walking on eggshells. You don't know what sister you are going to get. I had this type of relationship with a family member of my own and eventually had to cut them right out because the emotional abuse was too much for me to bear and it caused me a lot of anxiety later in my life.

    It is good that you two were able to talk about it. Maybe when you sense she is in a good mood, just spill your feelings. Tell her how awful you feel when she acts like that, but don't blame her (even if you want to). That can cause more problems than it's worth. Just tell her that you know she is probably really upset when it happens, but that she can't be taking it out on her. Saying something like that won't be magic and make it stop, but it will at least get that idea in her head next time she tries to lash out.

    Just keep in mind that abuse isn't what everyone else seems to think it is - not always, anyways. It can be physical shoving, hitting, punching, but it can also be emotional and mental... worrying about what you are saying or doing (and fearing a lash out), control, not being able to move around your house freely, etc. Those things are just as hurtful as the former. Labeling it as abuse may comfort or hurt you. The label isn't really important in the end. For a long time I wondered if what I endured as a child (and today) was abuse or harassment. In the end what matters is how you feel, how she treats you, and what you both can do to fix it. I think going to see a counselor would be great for both of you, if the counselor is good and helpful, anyways. Even try asking her your sister what her triggers are for getting so angry, and when she does get angry, ask her why she is. It might help you to understand her feelings better - it's perhaps not the light that's making her freak out that bad, but something else. If it is just the light, try not to escalate it. Standing your ground is a good thing but sometimes it's also okay to just walk away.

    In regards to her being nice to a roommate, I think that probably points to the fact that she is comfortable around you guys and knows she can lash out without repercussions. That may be something to explore.

    Good luck!
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  5. I was abused from the age of 6 to today by my parents my aunt who raised me and Biological dad who was military. I went to his house on the weekends got smacked into walls, verbally abused , and mentally I get all 3 forms well the physical stopped before I was 18 years old and cps also doesn't do shit. They are ass hats who suck at their job.

    However I got tired of it one day and fought back slapped my aunt across the room after she did the same to me and well my dad I threw stuff at him because well the man was a naval seal and well the man wouldn't go down from my skinny ass hitting him. My brother I bit till his arm was green, that lasted for about a month, though he did try to stab me in the back with scissors.

    What you should do all I can say is prey for the best get your ass out of their and only visit when your sister is gone. I haven't spoken to my brother in over a year my parent's about 2 months now.
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