I've never felt the urge to really talk about this, but at this point I just need to get it out of my system and seek help. My older sister has a very strong personality. Ever since she was a little kid, she's been hammy and headstrong, which earned her a great GPA and all sorts of academic merit when she graduated high school and moved on to college. But it also gave her the idea to push me around since I was a little girl. Even when she was ten, she was crafty about it. Not to blame her, but my mom's solution to every dispute was to take the disputed item away from everyone, so whenever my sister felt like using the computer while I was on, all she had to do was demand it. We both knew I would get it taken away if I tried to stand my ground, so she got it most of the time. The few times my mom wasn't around, I would argue with her, and she would just shut the computer off and stomp away. This trend continues in just about every form. This morning, I was getting ready for school before sunrise, so I turned the lights on at about a quarter of their full brightness. My sister, who is sharing my room for a few weeks while she hunts for an apartment, immediately started yelling and screaming for me to turn them off, questioning the reasoning behind my turning them on like it was illogical. I stood my ground, because I guess I thought if I stood up to her enough, she would learn to treat her family with respect. But, when she realized barking at me wouldn't work, she got up, stomped over to the light switch and turned them off. I stood off to the side so she wouldn't have an excuse to shove me, but she did anyway on the way back, as revenge. I smacked her on the shoulder much harder than I'd anticipated, at which point I knew she'd retaliate just as harshly. She grabbed a little toy gun I've have since I was a kid and slammed it against a hard makeup case, trying to break it. It didn't break, thankfully, but it felt so childish and bizarre for a 20-year-old to act like that when she doesn't get her way. After that, my grandparents got involved to tell her to knock it off, and she proceeded to scream at me further about the lights, and how rude I was, and she was dropping f-bombs left and right. I'm not bothered by cursing, but it was right in front of my 70-year-old grandmother. I went to school close to tears, and here I am. I try to be as self-aware as possible. I know that I play the victim card a lot whenever I argue with her, but she accuses me of acting like I'm always on the moral high ground, and uses that as a way to shut down any of my appeals. What's interesting is that my grandmother and my mom wonder how my sister will treat her roommate, but I already know the answer. She'll act like a well-mannered person just fine, maybe complain about the roommate behind her back, but otherwise be reasonable and accomodating. I get the feeling she treats my family, and most especially me, the way she does because she knows, subconsciously or consciously, that I can't escape her, even when she treats me like shit for most of my life. The worst part, though, is how well we get along sometimes. She can be so friendly with me, as long as I don't piss her off, though sometimes other things will piss her off and she'll complain about it to me until I get tired of hearing it and tell her as much, at which point she'll get pissed at me. I like hanging out with her most of the time, but I just hate feeling like nothing I say matters to her. I have so much more I want to say. I'm just hurt and confused. She makes me feel like shit sometimes, but sometimes I'm happy to get to hang out with her for a whole day. Is she abusive? Am I being abused? I mean, I know the signs of abuse like breaking personal items, blaming the victim for everything, hitting, biting, screaming and emotional whatever, and I know that abuse is a cycle of abuse, apology, honeymooning, tension and abuse again, but I just don't want to apply that to me. I don't think she'll ever seriously hurt me. I think she really does care about me, she's just too wrapped up in herself to see how much she hurts me. She's apologized for how she's treated me before, promised she'd change, but she hasn't.