Absolute Mayhem

[Meraki]

Valerie worried every single day.

Someday, she knew it would subside, but it did not change the way her heart thudded uncomfortably in her chest at the thought of him going back into the field. A lot of things worried her, though. She worried every time he left out that front door and every time she was away from the house. She worried when she woke and he wasn't there beside her. What they had lived through – what they endured – would leave scars for a long time. There were too many times where he was dragged away, nearly killed and taken from her. There were too many times where she thought him leaving was the end. But she felt relief, too. She felt relief every single time Tavarius walked in the front door and captured her lips in a kiss. She felt relieved when he called her to check in about what time she was going to be home. She felt relief when he decided to settle down on the couch with her and just be.

Not everything would always be that black and white, but Valerie took comfort in it. Life was not about living in constant fear of losing. She wanted nothing more than to work through her fears and come to a place of peace. Today had been a huge first step. She went out, stayed out and functioned like a normal human being. Tomorrow would be better. So would the next and the next until she finally felt the security that she had fought so long to feel.

"So could I," Valerie laughed, "Believe me, this whole adjusting thing while pregnant? Not our brightest idea. Though technically I'm allowed to have one glass if I really, really need it."

 

[Nav]

"Absolutely not."

He kissed the tip of her nose. "We have too many fucked up genes between the two of us to risk even one alcoholic beverage. Maybe normal people with normal lives could risk one, but us? Cannoli, it's too dangerous for us. The babies might turn out to be super villains or something. Or worse! Tentacle babies!" He tsked at her before kissing the tip of her nose one last time, "I think it's best we both stick to water, anyways. We'll need to save up all of our wine budget for after they're born, I'm sure."

The oven beeped to alert the oven had finished preheating and Tavarius slipped away, going to pop in the pizza and set a timer. "Oh, I booked flights to California," he said, "It's just for a three-day weekend stay. I bought you a ticket, too, if you wanted to go. I didn't know if you wanted to or not, but I need to clean out the villa." What he really meant by 'clean out the villa' was he needed to remove everything from their past life: the guns, the paraphernalia, the drugs and… most importantly… Vancouver's bedroom. Whatever secrets awaited him in that room, he didn't know.

He didn't feel ready to know, but for the sake of his children, he knew he must.

It was a path he had very nearly fallen down a few times himself, but never had committed like Vancouver had, but he had grieved already too many times to think about it. The drugs had taken Vancouver away a piece at a time. Once, he had been the boy that held on to his brother's hand and hid behind him on the way to the playground, only to squeal with delight when he saw an open swing. He had been generous with his smiles and free with his hugs. Then came the remoteness, the anger, the losing of weight… each time it was like a puzzle piece had been pulled out of the box until so many were missing it was impossible to see the whole picture.

"I wish I could meet his kid," Tavarius stated abruptly, realizing his innermost thoughts were really out of context with what was going on with Valerie, "Vancouver, I mean. Remember that time we were stopped on the street by a woman with the kid? And I told you that the kid was Vancouver's? I wish I could meet him." He knew what had happened had been best. The kid was left out of the life. Far, far away from the life, but there was a piece of his twin out there and it pained him to know it would never be a part of his own life.

"I miss him."

 

[Meraki]

"Alright, alright," Valerie said in defeat but there was a bright smile on her face, "I guess no wine, for now."

She would never do anything to endanger the babies, not even having a single glass of wine in nine months. It just felt like they were getting so close and while she wasn't too pregnant (nothing a loose fitting shit couldn't hide) it was still so much more than she had been what felt like weeks ago. Soon she would have to start pouring over parenting books and obsessing over the new house. Once they got the house officially, that is. She was just excited – exciting to start spending her days doing things like decorating and designing the rooms in their new house. She wanted to take the dogs out in that big yard and sit on the shore of that lake. She wanted to start their life but there was still so much they had to work through to get there.

California, for one.

"Of course I want to go with you," Valerie replied, her voice a bit softer this time as she watched Tavarius fall back into his thoughts. She could've guessed what they were about, but she had long since learned that patience was everything with Tavarius. If she waited long enough, he revealed everything to her, and she never wanted to push. Especially not when it involved Vancouver.

His words took her by surprise, but he was quick to clarify and Valerie just pulled him into her arms. It was difficult considering how he was taller than she was, but he always wrapped his arms around her protectively when she was upset. She owed him the favor a million times over. She pressed up on her toes and looped one arm around his neck and pulled him into her. It was slow, loving and Valerie just exhaled. "I know you do, Tavarius," she said gently.

She wished she could fix it, but there were some things in this world they couldn't fix. Vancouver's death, her mother's death – they were just a part of the narrative, lost too young, too soon, and dwelling only made it hurt worse.

 

[Nav]

He spun his wedding ring around his finger. It was a habit he picked up when he was anxious or upset or somehow embroiled in all of his thoughts that were consuming him. It was still a foreign object, it still felt weird to wear on his finger, so he spun it when he was feeling uncomfortable. It was a nervous tick that he knew Valerie would hone in on almost immediately, though she didn't seem to need to see it before she was over by him, her arms wrapping around his neck and her little feet arching so only he toes were on the ground. Her embrace was like a little touch of heaven: warm, together, cozy. He wished he could have extended the time just so he could stay closer to her for longer.

Her arms wrapped right around him brought a peace he'd never known before, a calming of the storms in his heart; a lone star in his otherwise empty sky. His hair sort of flopped across his face in a blonde veil as he tucked his nose against the top of her head, holding there for just a moment as his arms came around her middle. She was the only healthy drug he had ever known: one that could put his mind into a frenzy of sparks. The simple touch of her hand on his, or an easy embrace, could make it so he was only alive in the present, all thoughts of past and future melted away.

The moment was perfect, until the timer on his mobile began to blare. It had only felt but moment, but the alarm told him it had already been ten minutes.

"Why did you never call me Tav, or Tavvy?" he asked suddenly. The question seemed random, but in his jumble of thoughts, it was not. Everyone he had ever known called him some derivation of his name, yet Valerie always seemed to insist on using every single syllable. He had never understood it, but he had also never questioned it.

Slinking out from underneath her arms, he moved to open the oven and check on the pizza. The crispy golden top bubbled back at him, signaling its doneness. With the pizza pulled and sliced, Tavarius didn't bother with plates. Instead, he just put the whole dang thing on its cardboard on the breakfast bar.

 

[Meraki]

"You asked me that once before, you know," Valerie smiled despite the timer ruining their moment, "Back when we were first put together. After Brazil, I think. We were on the phone while I was on bed rest and you'd just gotten the Igors to rip the bullet from your shoulder."

"You said it's weird that you said my full name."

Valerie laughed at the memory and followed him into the kitchen. When he set the pizza down, she didn't hesitate to grab a slice and start into it without a plate. She was too hungry to wait anymore, so she leaned against the counter and continued to enjoy her dinner. "It used to be because I hated nicknames. My father called me Val, Zane called me Vee, so I always preferred Valerie. I wasn't sure I even realized I was doing it at first, but I like your name. Every single syllable of it."

"You've just always been Tavarius to me," she shrugged and took another bite, "Plus, if you have a nickname then I need a nickname and the next thing you know we're Tav and Val Petrove. Which is awful."

She didn't even hesitate to move to a second piece and pouring herself a glass of water. She definitely hadn't been keeping up with her water intake that day, running around, so she had to make a point to keep her nutrients and hydration up. She took a few deep sips and set it back down on the table before turning her attention back to him.

"And maybe just a little bit that I didn't want to call you something that Natalya called you," she said a bit sheepishly, a slight blush rising in her cheeks, "I wasn't jealous or anything, I just wanted us to have our own thing, you know?"

 

[Nav]

"Did I?" he couldn't help but laugh. He didn't even remember.

He supposed he had never called her by a proper nickname before, either. At least, he had never shortened down 'Valerie.' He had called her all sorts of things: sweetheart, grumpy pants, little Cannoli, but the idea of calling her Val or Vee had never crossed his mind. At the time, he probably knew that they were nicknames bestowed on her by other people in her life, but there was more to it than that. He just didn't know what. Instead of pondering it in any length, he just reached out and grabbed a slice of pizza, biting into it as he leaned against the bar.

"Tav and Val Petrove?" his nose crinkled at that. He didn't like it, not once bit. Nicknames were funny things, he supposed. At his previous office, people would end up calling him Tav because saying 'Tavarius' took too much of their time. It wasn't so much that it bothered him, but it did rope him back into certain parts of his life. Those memories would never go away though, so he had learned to live within them, instead of trying to forget. Every time he tried to forget, something would be there to remind him… every damn time. "That's terrible, I'm sorry. We cannot be Tav and Val."

Natalya had been the one to call him Tavvy, because it sounded, in her words 'cute.' He wasn't particularly opposed to that nickname either, though he could understand Valerie's sentiments. He didn't want to relate himself to Zane by calling her Vee, because Tavarius was not Zane… not in personality, not in history, and certainly not in the way he chose to treat her.

"I guess," he nodded with acceptance, finishing off his first piece of pizza and quickly going for another, "I guess that just means you're going to have to be Cannoli forever. Tavarius and Cannoli Petrove. It has a little bit more of a ring to it, I suppose." He smirked over to her, the corners of his lips tilted upwards in a way that said he was being mischievous.

"Anyways, the flights for California are on Friday. We'll get back late Sunday, so if you have Friday classes, you may need to skip? But you should be back for Monday. I already took Friday off."

 

[Meraki]

"Tavarius and Cannoli Petrove," Valerie laughed, "What will our kids' teachers think of that? You know, when they have to call the house or meet us at parent teacher conference night. Maybe Dean and Lucy are too generic, maybe they should be pastries too."

A bright laugh left her lips and she looked up to him. As much as her day exhausted her, there was something about being with Tavarius that made her feel rejuvenated and whole. It was funny to think back on their early days together and how exhausting day in and day out was, with little reason to look forward to anything. They had come so far, still had so far to go, and that reality was solidified when he mentioned California and their flights out. She was worried about revisiting their past but she knew, more than anything, that it was something they both needed to face.

In order to be a good mother to her own children, Valerie had to acknowledge the death of her own. She had to put to rest the life that she had been born into and learn to accept their respective pasts. She missed the villa and while she knew cleaning out Vancouver's room would be difficult for Tavarius, Valerie was excited for the opportunity to turn that house into something it always deserved to be – a home. It had been, for her, at least. It was her only escape from her father and it was still, technically, in her name. It was the one thing Tavarius had left to her, a sanctuary, and she was glad that they were able to return together.

She could still remember that night, remember the feeling of hands on her as she was pulled from their bedroom and the sounds of him fighting against the men who intended to kill him. It was the most scared she had ever been in her entire life – more than Columbia, Brazil or Africa, more than being shot or the phone call from Hullett when Tavarius managed to get six bullets buried in his Kevlar. That moment in the villa, in the warehouse, was supposed to be the end of their story.

But they were still living. Every page was still being written.

"I don't have Friday classes, so we're all set with that," she smiled, "I know it's a lot to go back, but can I express to you just how happy I am to be going back to the sun and warmth? I'm sure summers here are beautiful, but it's definitely been an adjustment to figure out seasons."

 

[Nav]

"That won't get them bullied, I'm sure," Tavarius mused aloud—thinking how a bunch of young elementary schoolers would take to a name like 'Cannoli.' It just kind of sounded funny as words went. Then, of course, changing Dean and Lucy to pastries was bound to have disastrous results of some degree. Somehow, Tavarius just couldn't picture himself calling after a 'Croissant' and 'Macaron.'

It was just a momentary conversation to excuse the thoughts of the villa from his mind, but their conversation quickly circled back to it only a few moments later and Tavarius' expression turned solemn with it. Unlike her, he wasn't particularly looking forward to going back. It made his stomach churn with discomfort to think about those halls and rooms; it was going to be very hard to go back through them. It was sometimes really hard for him to remember all the good that had happened in that house when it had always been consumed by so much bad.

Minnesota, by comparison, had been so freeing. Sure, there had been bad: the thought that Valerie might have lost the child, getting shot… but there had been considerably more good than bad, and that was an experience Tavarius had never truly had the pleasure of experiencing before. He was scared to go back more than anything because he wondered what was waiting for them in California and, more importantly, who was waiting for them. He had separated himself so entirely from the Tavarius he had once been it was like he was an entirely different person, but sometimes it made him wonder if he would ever fall back into who he had been given the right circumstances—and surroundings.

It would have been much easier to hide from California than face it.

"I'll make sure we get our flights booked soon, then." They'd need to leave soon, certainly, or Valerie would be too far along in her pregnancy for air travel. "Maybe even next weekend if I can get everything together soon enough." He knew he'd be able to get the flights booked no problem; he wasn't sure he'd be able to get himself on the plane.

Knowing she was looking forward to going back, at least, helped. They could spend some time on the beach or even get a hotel if they absolutely needed to. It took a great deal of reminding for Tavarius to realize, again, that they weren't trapped into any one decision anymore. If they wanted a hotel, they could get a hotel. If they wanted to leave, they could leave. "I'm sure the warm weather will be nice."

 

[Meraki]

The airport unnerved her more than it should.

Classes had started already, but between that and closing on the new house, her and Tavarius had been too busy to put much thought into the trip to California before it was rather suddenly upon them. The last time Valerie was in that little airport was coming back from Chicago. After killing her father and nearly losing Tavarius, Valerie had boarded a plane and landed at this airport with Tavarius at her side for another new start. She tried to find a better memory, but the only other one was landing here with a gunshot wound to her abdomen.

Valerie, for very good reason, did not find much appeal in flying. It made her uneasy but still they made their way to their terminal and settled into their seats. There wasn't much in the way of luggage between them for a weekend trip – just enough to bring home whatever they felt they desperately needed and they could ship the rest. Valerie did miss the sun, though, and the weather reports claimed that it would be balmy and beautiful in Los Angeles that weekend. Despite everything else, it would be nice to be alongside the ocean again.

The Villa, her father's house, Barton Hollow – they were about to all be in reach.

Valerie slipped her hand into Tavarius' as the plane started up and the jets readied for departure. The only flight she had ever remotely enjoyed had been the flight to Italy, but it still felt a bit foreign to be on a plane with Tavarius, no blood or exhaustion drenching the two of them. No Columbia, no Brazil, no running – they were just looking back and trying to tie up loose ends before the babies came. Babies. Valerie slipped her other hand to her belly, despite her bump still being small. It was strange to think she was returning to her childhood home with what her father always wanted for her. A strong, powerful husband and pregnant, but he wasn't there. No one would harm them, no one would manipulate them – it was just a trip. Just a trip.

"You okay?" she turned to Tavarius.

 

[Nav]

From the window of the plane, the wing engine was semi illuminated. The lower half shined around the rim and the upper half remained several shades darker. It had been a long time since he had flown in a commercial plane and he had to admit that it felt unnatural. Even in business class with the nice seats and extra legroom, he didn't like not being able to splay out on a sofa with no one else around. There were not many parts of the Syndicate he missed, but the one thing he did miss were the private jets.

It was only the feeling of Valerie's hand sliding into his own that caused him to stir. He blinked sleepily a few times, as if he had just suddenly awoken from a long sleep and turned his gaze to look at her. "Hmm?" he hummed like he always did when he was slightly startled by his own reveries, "Oh yea," he assured her, "I'm alright." And he was, mostly. Never mind that there was an aching pain riding up through his chest. He didn't mind the flying bit, but he kept recalling what was on the other side of their flight. It wasn't even the memory of returning to a place that had been wrought with terrible memories that bothered him, it was facing his brother that did.

They both had things to face, he realized, so he tried not to sound too woeful when talking with Valerie. He put on a soft smile, trying to be encouraging and glanced back out the window.

"It's just a weekend," he reminded her tenderly, giving her fingers a small squeeze. "We'll do what we need to do and then we'll spend the rest of the time down at the beach and relaxing." He already knew he'd need breaks from it all—from Vancouver's room, from the villa, from everywhere. Even Barton Hollow didn't hold its same appeal anymore. Technically, he still owned the property, but he wondered if the shed was still there or if it had been looted or destroyed.

The plane eventually took off and there was no bailing out then. They were hurdling through the sky quickly towards the one place Tavarius dreaded most.

"We should stay away from certain places," he said rather suddenly after several long minutes of white noise silence between them. "The Syndicate may be gone, but there are still buyers out there." The last thing they needed was a buyer recognizing Tavarius… or worse, Valerie.

 

[Meraki]

"Thank god," Valerie laughed warmly at the idea of going to the beach and relaxing, "I was afraid we would take too long to go back and I wouldn't fit in any of my swimsuits. But I can handle a little bump. It's smaller than I thought it would be by now, but Joyce said I'm fine so I'm not going to let myself worry. I am so tired of worrying all the time."

"Says the crazy pregnant lady," she added with a smirk before she settled her head on his shoulder. After a few moments of silence, he brought up the syndicate to her and she exhaled. She'd thought about it, but luckily most of Valerie's things had been cleared out of her parents' house. She had no desire to go back there, now that it was just a shell wrought with ghosts of her past, but she did want to go through some old things. Flynn had told her that they'd mostly cleared out her father's place and that anything left worth anything would be donated back to her. It left no trail for her name, just delivered to the villa for her. She didn't want much of it, arguably, but there were pictures she wanted, old albums and memories of her grandparents and family before her father. There was stuff from Santa Monica that would come with them, too.

But there were sure to be things in there she never wanted to see again.

"Flynn told me that anything we needed from the old place in Santa Monica or my parents' would be delivered to the villa," she shrugged, "so I'm sure there will be plenty to go through and no reason to go anywhere near old stomping grounds or buyers. I'm not as spry as I used to be."

"Being pregnant with two babies really puts a damper on being cool and adventurous," she smiled, joking of course, trying to keep the air between them light so that they could get over the initial shock of being back. She knew he had so much to face with Vancouver, but she hoped there would be little things to brighten him – after all, her wedding dress was in Santa Monica when they left and Flynn guaranteed her it had been brought over. There were good memories, too, and she had to remember that.

They'd lived in darkness for so long, but they were always following a light.

Soon enough, the plane touched down and the pilot announced their arrival into LAX. Valerie squeezed his hand affectionately, "Are you ready for that sunshine? Because I, for one, am ready for that sunshine, and beautiful eighty degree weather, and not a single flake of snow in sight."

 

[Nav]

Tavarius did what he could to remain light and relaxed, but he quickly succumbed to his own darkness like he usually did. It was hard to fight for anyone, but it had always been that much more difficult for him. During the flight, he smiled to Valerie's joke and rejoined conversation with her pleasantly, but the feeling was strange; too familiar yet too strange. He never knew how to define it. He wanted to smile and laugh along with his wife, but something in him grabbed his heart tight and crushed it tight. The brightness inside of him was gulped by something dark at the notice of arrival crackling over the intercom system.

No, he would be wrong to say it was dark—it was empty, nothing else.

Though one of his hands was occupied in Valerie's, his other was resting on his knee. His fingers had curled into his palm and he was idly brushing the pads of his fingers back and forth over the knot of scar tissue right in the center. He could readily recall how his body jarred with each blow, how the pain seared through his skin and took away every feeling of safety he ever had. Realizing he was staring blankly at the back of the chair in front of him, his eyes following the lines of the hideous, bright blue fabric with dashes of burgundy and gold, Tavarius stirred.

"That's great," he commented lamely in response to her mentioning Flynn had transferred everything over to the villa. The place was bound to be overflowing with things, he could only imagine. He remained silent until they bounced down and reached the gate. They were shuffled off the plane and dumped out into the airport, which was as overwhelming as ever. He had never done particularly well in such large crowds of people he didn't know, but he kept a calm façade and looked to Valerie.

"Ehh, sunshine is fine. I prefer the snow," he reminded her with a gentle smile. He had always done better in the cold weather than the hot, finding he usually just became a sweaty and uncomfortable mess when he was out in the California summer for too long. He wasn't ready for sunshine; he wasn't really ready for anything at all. Alas, they had arrived and there was no backing out. The war raging inside of him internally did not present on his face and on his exterior, he took on his formal cool and aloof expression.

They were ushered through the airport and they quickly found their way to baggage claim, where Tavarius managed to hoist their luggage from the carrousel. "So, I guess this means we just… get a taxi?"

Truthfully, he wasn't sure what to do. Airports to him had always been fancy affairs with drivers coming to collect him in town cars and personal jets, "… to the villa?"