A Wolf Among The Sheep

Having busied himself with wiping down the knives once Tate started on cooking the rabbit meat, Ronan had lost himself to his thoughts about Anders and his whereabouts. Concern grew the longer his mate was away, and so desperately did he want to go out and find him. Surely he would at least be able to smell the cooking food by now, and should be making his way back. He feared that something had gone wrong, maybe he had twisted an ankle or fallen down a hole somewhere. He realised the irony of him being the one to worry after it was his pack that had been the reason Anders went missing two years ago after he took a walk to clear his head. However, things were different now. This was his mate.

He glanced up at Tate's voice, thinking nothing of the opening statement as he assumed the other was just curious about his life and his sexuality. Ronan had meant what he said, he would be happy to talk to Tate about things if it meant the alpha understood the matter better. Not that he thought the alpha would be anything like Ronan's birth pack, but he was keen to ensure no one ever felt the same way he had done all those years ago.

However, this 'hypothetical' situation that Tate put out there had Ronan pausing, his hand stilling and the cloth stopping over the blade. Luana too glanced up to peer at her mate, blinking in surprise at such a question. It truly made her wonder what had gone on while she was out hunting, beginning to realise she had missed quite a bit during her absence.

"Of course I would," Ronan answered quietly, after much deliberation on how to respond. He could feign confusion, pretend that he couldn't understand why the alpha was asking such a question, play dumb and even lie. But he found himself incapable of doing so. This was a man that had just offered to take him in to his pack so he could stay close to the only family he felt he had.

"I... I would do everything in my power to make them happy an' to keep them from hurtin'. Not just cause you'd be their brother neither... I'd... I'd never forgive myself if I knew I'd hurt them. I'd make sure... I'd make sure they knew they were loved every day we had together."

Ronan then dropped his gaze to the knife again, continuing with wiping the blood from the blade before sheathing it back into the small leather hold it came in. "S'what mates do, regardless of who they're with." He then added, despite the uncomfortable sensation that Tate was aware that the hypothetical situation wasn't very hypothetical at all.
 
Tate knew he hadn't been subtle in what he was insinuating. In fact, he wanted to just come out with what he had suddenly come to realise - but he neglected to do so in the realisation that it would probably cause trouble for Ronan and distress for Anders. If his brother strolled back into the clearing and realised that something so personal to him had been unveiled without his saying so, before he potentially had a chance to do so himself, it would all inevitably be too much for him and amongst all the rising emotions, anger towards Ronan for revealing the secret was a possibility.

He might have only just built up a connection to Ronan that held within it an opportunity for a friendship, but the newness of that didn't mean he would ever willingly put him in such a difficult position - especially not when it would simultaneously hurt Anders. It was better to stick to hypotheticals: that way, if Anders did start to suspect Tate knew, there would be no explicit evidence for Ronan having openly, definitively confirmed anything to him.

He could truthfully admit he hadn't.

Even if they both knew the hypothetical scenario wasn't quite as hypothetical as the question framed it to be.

The other's response gave Tate the confirmation he was seeking as he quietly nodded and set his eyes back on the pan. Knowing his youngest brother had probably dealt with the fears of being thrown out of the pack or horrendously judged for something perfectly natural made him feel guilty: he wanted to be a supportive presence for everyone, especially his family, yet Anders had gone years feeling he couldn't confide in him, choosing to silently plague himself with worries and concerns instead.

And knowing now that he was Ronan's mate made that guilt twist uncomfortably within in. He knew precisely how difficult it was to be separated from his mate, but at least he had received support from the pack who openly knew of his struggles. Anders had kept to himself for two entire years, suffering the pain of being separated from his mate in silence.

"...Still speaking hypothetically, if you were, say, with one of my brothers... you know I'd support tha', right? That I'd... just be happy my brother was happy, whoever he was with. Hypothetically," he repeated -and emphasised- once more as he peered back over to Ronan as he allowed a grin to rest easily on his face, rolling his eyes playfully to alleviate some of the heaviness the conversation had brought.

"I got a great talent for bringing the mood right down an' making it awkward, huh? Look, all you need t' know if that if you ever were with one of my brothers, I'd be alright with that. You're a decent guy. I'd kinda feel bad for 'ya, being brought into the chaos that is my family, but... I'd still welcome 'ya in."
 
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Ronan kept his eyes on the knife, clearly uncertain about what to do with this new information. He was grateful to hear the words come from Tate's mouth, relieved that the alpha would accept the relationship and would be ready to support them regardless, but disappointed that Anders wasn't around to hear the words being spoken himself. He could tell his mate word for word what his brother had said while he was gone, but he couldn't be sure that Anders would believe him.

"H-hypothetically... again... with this hypothetical shi-- stuff..." Ronan fidgeted in his seat, gaze darting to the treeline again, to the knife and eventually onto Tate, "If that was the case, hypothetically, then I'd say that maybe the brother I could end up with might need to... hear this themselves."

While Ronan believed this, he would also still be concerned that Anders wouldn't be willing to accept that Tate figured it out all by himself. He worried that his mate may accuse him of telling their secret before Anders was ready. While that, of course, wouldn't have been the case and Ronan would deep down be grateful the truth did come out to at least Tate, Ronan didn't want any more anger between him and Anders. They had already missed two years with each other, he didn't want any more time to be tarnished.

Luana, watching the whole exchange awkwardly with her arms around either of the two girls who had finished their fish and were nestling into her side, nibbled lightly at her lower lip. Though they were both speaking in these 'hypothetical situations', she still felt as though she was trespassing on a private conversation. Everyone present (or at least the adults) were well aware that it was just a very, very thinly veiled truth that was being spoken of. Not to mention, it felt wrong that Anders wasn't there for a this basic confession too.

"...Do we-- ah... do we think maybe one of us should go lookin' for Anders? I mean, how long as he been gone? Did he say he'd even be comin' back?" She questioned, glancing between the other two men, "What made him leave in the first place?"

Ronan glanced to his friend and rubbed the back of his neck, "Ah... well... just me tellin' Tate about my... old pack an' parents. Y'know, the cheerful stuff." He replied.

"Well... alrigh' then. So-- so, I can go lookin' for him." Luana offered, already beginning to gently peel the two toddlers from her sides to sit them up properly, much to their annoyance which they had no problem in vocalising, "The food's almost done, he's can't be far."
 
"I know, I just-- would want him to approach me. I ain't gonna pressure him, he don't respond well to that," came Tate's final murmur on the matter, dropping the use of hypotheticals in favour of a moment of blatant honesty, if only because the comment was too important to relay vaguely. He might not necessarily be the most clued up when it came to what Anders was struggling with, but that didn't matter; not when he would accept him and his happiness without question.

Above all else, that was all he wanted for his brother, which was why the prospect of having this conversation with him was incredibly important... and thus why he felt his lips tugging into a frown at the realisation it was a conversation he might not have anytime soon. He couldn't approach Anders and admit he had figured things out, not when it would provoke anxiety, stress and, potentially, denial. He needed his younger brother to make that step first and be brave enough to sit down and initiate the conversation.

When that would be, he really didn't know - but he knew if Anders proceeded to hide everything away, it wouldn't be for a while.

"I'm sure he's fine. He was always doing this, wanderin' off. He'll... be fine," he attempted to reassure once noticing Ronan's worried glances to the treeline and Luana taking to her feet in preparation of the search, one he ultimately thought was a little dramatic. At least, he initially believed it to be, before remembering the last time he had waived off Anders' disappearance from the pack. He knew the likelihood of him being captured wasn't high, not when Luana's family had ceased that particular plan out of respect to the daughter that had links to the pack they had targeted... but it wasn't worth completely waiving off the idea that something bad had happened.

Not when he had done so in the past and ended up racked with guilt over how wrong he had bene.

"...Yeah, you'd better go 'an have a look for 'im, he has been a while," he eventually agreed as he quietly plated up the portions of rabbit, remembering all too clearly how his brother had promised to be back in time for that part of their lunch. Despite that bringing on more cause for concern, he managed a smile and attempted to be playful and casual, if only for Teddy's sake when noticing his niece glance up curiously. "He'll have just lost track of time but, uh... yeah, best go and find him before he dozes off and provokes a manhunt for him."

"Can I come? I... I wanna come."

"I don't think that's a good idea, sweetheart. Best you stay here an' eat up the rest of your lunch that your auntie Lu caught for us all. You can show off your clean plate when your Pa gets back then, he'll be well impressed," smiled Tate in return to Teddy's enquiry, that smile dipping when he glanced up at Luana for assistance. "You'll find Anders and bring him straight back here, yeah Lu?"
 
"Of course. I'll be straight back, don't you worry." Luana answered, matching Tate's light and upbeat tone of voice for Teddy's sake. She reached down to kiss the two little girls on the top of their heads as Ronan kept his eyes on the two newly-cleaned and sheathed skinning knives on the grass in front of him.

"Be a good girl, like Uncle Tate said, your pa'll be very impressed if you eat all your food like a big girl." She continued, stepping away after a reassuring murmur to Tala. The two-year-old had also looked up by this point, her attention captured by Teddy's question. Despite having only known one another for a short while, it seemed as though the youngest of the two cousins had latched on to wanting to mirror Teddy's every want and desire.

However, due to Tate and Luana's gentle refusals, Tala had yet to kick up a fuss, clearly waiting to see if Teddy would first.

Luana stepped past Ronan, but instead of ruffling his hair like normal, she patted his shoulder softly, "I'm sure he's fine. Like you said, he's probably just lost track of time an' lost in his own thoughts. Ain't nothin' to be worried about. W'just be nice to get him back since this was supposed to be a day for all of us, yeah?" She replied, directing the words to the two adults now.

"Keep some food back for the two of us. I'm starvin' after that hunt an' I'm sure Anders'd be keen for some food once he smells it." She added, another playful lilt to her voice before she left the two alone with the children once more.

"Unc... An'ers... where gone?" Tala filled the silence, looking to Tate for answers. Ronan puffed out an exhale, leaning back onto his elbows in an effort to look casual. However, with his mate still yet to return and the awkward conversation with Tate basically about him being Anders mate (because that's what it was really, there was no denying it), it was difficult to maintain that façade.

"I appreciate everythin' you've said today, man," Ronan spoke up once Tate had replied to Tala's question and the toddler was satisfied, "Really... I-- I promise not to let you down. In more ways than one."
 
"Your uncle's jus' gone for a little walk, but 'cos he gets distracted easy, your Mumma's gonna go find him and bring him back to tell him his lunch's ready. He'll be back in no time," he quickly reassured as he let his eyes linger on Luana's venture into the wooded area before letting them drift back to his daughter, a fond smile pulling at his face. It wasn't particularly easy to sit back and pretend he wasn't growing more worried now he had reminded himself of the last time Anders had disappeared like this, but he had also hidden much of his worry those years ago in wanting to prevent panicking his pack.

Now, he wanted to prevent panicking the young girls enquiring about their father and uncle respectively. If he had to plaster a smile on his face and act as though they knew where Anders was, just venturing out to bring him back, then he would, each and every time he had to.

Letting Teddy return to her food once she had seemed to accept that answer (and knowing Tala would follow her cousin's behaviour), he eased back a little to start picking at his own meal. It wasn't quite the family experience he had wanted to have when two members of their party were absent, but he was too hungry to wait for their return - and food was at least a little distraction from his growing concerns.

"You ain't gotta keep thankin' me - you're a part of the family now, ain't 'ya? You get my support, that's how it goes. I can argue with my family and they can let me down but they always get my support; don't put so much pressure on yourself, dude. You're gonna be fine-- though hell, if you wanna repay me, you can help out in the hunt tomorrow. Gio's busy being a Dad, I don't wanna pull him outta spending time with his kid right now, so I could do with adding a hunter to our little group if you're up for it? You got the physique, I imagine you're strong, so-- yeah, that'd be helpful, if 'ya fancied it," he offered as he lifted his head up to peer across at Ronan. He hadn't really spoken to Gio about potentially taking a little break from hunting but he was adamant on giving him that time off.

He deserved to spend some time with his son - or simply to take some time out and catch up on his sleep without the pressure of hunting resting on his mind.

"An' trust me, I'd rather have you join us than have to resort t' askin' Anders an' making him take the job up"
 
"M'kay." Tala's reply was simple, willing to accept what she had been told by her father. The toddler scooted over to Teddy, wrapping her arms tiredly around the other girl with a big yawn. The fishing, playing, and now full belly of food made for a little girl in dire need of a nap.

Ronan snorted softly, fingers pulling at the strands of grass beneath his hands as he remained leant back. He attempted to keep his eyes on the fire that currently cooked the rabbits, but every so often he found himself looking back up at the treeline. When he caught himself, he forced himself to look away. Just because Tate had now guessed at what was going on, that didn't mean he could easily break out of the habit of not trying to be obvious. It was still good practice, after all, since the rest of the pack were unawares.

"Yeah-- yeah 'course. I'm happy to help out with that. It'll be... it'll be a good opportunity to get... integrated, I suppose." He agreed, shrugging, "S'what I helped out with at Lu's pack, so I know what to do-- well, at least with them. I guess you guys'll'ave different techniques an' ways of doin' things?"



Meanwhile, Luana picked her way carefully through the trees as she searched for Anders. Every so often she would pause, tilting her head back to lift her nose to the air, attempting to pick up her friend's scent.

"Anders? Anders, where are you?" Luana called when she made enough distance between her and where the others were, not wanting the girls' to hear her calls and get concerned. In their minds, they knew where Anders was. She, naturally like Tate, didn't want to bring anxiety or worry into their minds, especially when nothing could be wrong.

"Anders, seriously-- where are you? This-- this ain't the best thing to be doin'. Not after what happened last time!" She continued, stepping over a fallen tree, "I-- I don't know what happened to make you need some... time to yourself, but... but food's ready now. We're all gettin' worried too. Anders?"
 
Anders was more than aware that he had drifted from the clearing and prolonged his return to it for longer than he had promised. He was also aware that his reservation to return on time would have provoked worry, particularly when the last time he had disappeared was proof that just about anything could happen; that the woods weren't safe to wander through alone and unsuspecting.

Even if their thoughts hadn't been occupied with concerns of a similar situation playing out two years on from the last one, he knew they might fear he had fallen into the river and got dragged by the current, or tripped into a ditch he couldn't escape from, or had lost his footing and hit his head on a rock, bleeding out deep within the woods.

He didn't want them to consider anything so upsetting, he didn't enjoy having to accept that he had caused that fear in them... but returning to the clearing with them, continuing to put on a charade that he was okay and everything was normal was something he just couldn't do, regardless of the consequences his refusal to return on time was inevitably having.

Even the idea of Teddy enquiring where he was couldn't force him back just yet - he didn't want to prematurely return to the pretence of being some big, happy family when he wasn't happy, and risk his daughter picking up on that tension within him. He didn't like the idea of worrying her... but her worries would only be there if he returned and she picked up on his discontentment. At least staying away mean the didn't have to face seeing his daughter in such a state.

Admittedly, as he wandered, he didn't know where he was going nor what he was doing. All he knew was that wandering amongst the trees, hearing the way the breeze caused the leaves above him (and on the ground) to rustle calmly was satisfying, as was the warmth of the sun beating down on him and the smell of the earth. As selfish as he knew it was, he couldn't help but consider just... staying where he was for hours, continuing to wander aimlessly without the stresses and anxieties that usually dominated his day-to-day life. There was something immensely enjoyable about being disconnected from it all, having nothing to worry about or secrets to hide from a pack he was gradually growing out of love being in.

And though he knew a return to it was inevitable (he couldn't just abandon it when he knew, from Luana's two-year long abandonment, the emotional repercussions would be extreme), he wanted to spend as long as he could by himself, drinking in the peace and the fulfilment he gained in that solitude.

He had been settled on a boulder beside the creek when Luana's voice sounded amongst the foliage, drawing nearer by the second as she wandered closer to what had been a momentary resting spot. He hadn't even contemplated returning to the clearing yet, so while he void evade her and dart in the opposite direction to continue his wandering, he remained fixed where he was, reluctantly acknowledging that a return to reality was inevitably approaching by the second.

He didn't say anything immediately when she came into view, not even finding himself able of glancing in her direction as his eyes remained locked on the flowing water of the creek as though in deep contemplation. It took him a moment further before he pulled himself to his feet and focused his attention onto her, sighing in unsubtle resignation as he approached.

"I... got distracted. Kinda got lost. Thanks for comin' to look for me, I didn't mean t' stay away so long," he murmured quietly, so quiet the words could have disappeared into the wind. They were a lie, or at least a manipulation of the truth, but it was better to murmur a lie than bluntly admit he would have ventured amongst the trees for hours if she hadn't stumbled upon him. "...Did I worry everyone? I didn't... mean t' do that. 'm sorry."
 
Luana paused after finding her friend, remaining in the place where her eyes first rested upon him to allow him to come to her. Her eyebrows knitted together as she studied her friend, hands slowly pushing their way into her trouser pockets. His sigh did not fill her with the utmost confidence, and the guilt she experienced earlier as she remembered them just leaving Anders to himself at the blanks did not make her feel any better.

She had selfishly taken hold of the day with two hands and a steel grip, intent on not letting the opportunity run away from her. She and Tate were promising each other to try and make things work, Tala was able to have her parents together and getting along, they were having a day together as a family for the first time since Tala had been born. She didn't want to let the moment end and look back wondering if she could have done more to enjoy it or make it even more memorable for Tala.

But in doing so, she felt as though she had neglected Anders, who, while so close to being able to experience the same things as her, was incapable of doing so because of the secret he wished to keep hidden from his brother.

His brother who had figured out the truth for himself anyway.

Luana's frown deepened at his remarks, not really believing them but deciding not to call him out on it. His behaviour worried her, and after everything she had been through as a result of her own pain and Tate's own coping mechanism... Luana couldn't help but be slightly paranoid.

"Talk to me, Anders. What's goin' on, hm?" She asked, not bothering to answer his own question when she was sure he knew the response. He would know that the others were worried, Tate because of what happened two years ago and Ronan because he was his mate. "Talk to me, Anders. I know we disagreed earlier but you can still talk to me, y'know that, right?"
 
Anders knew that she cared, that she was trying to help once sensing that he wasn't as truthful as he was suggesting... but the prospect of talking about it caused him to frown in mild annoyance. It wasn't necessarily directed at her; rather, the aggravation was mostly at having to constantly feel like he had to explain himself. It it wasn't having some deep conversation with Luana, it was the expectation of having to explain himself to Ronan, promise him that he would tell the pack about their secret in order to leave an open life.

But it wouldn't be open; he knew he wouldn't suddenly feel okay just because he was able to hold Ronan's hand in front of the pack. The problems he had ran deeper than that, a realisation he had recently stumbled upon. The idea of living happily with Ronan wasn't one he was seeking to give up on, but the idea of doing so within the pack wasn't the freedom he was being promised it would be. It would be a freedom from the secrets he was currently hoarding, secrets that weighed him, but it wouldn't free him from how constricting he found the pack to be.

And feeling like he had to constantly and continually explain himself made that constricting feeling worsen.

"Why do I 'ave to fucking explain myself to you? Why can't you just-- take my fucking words an' leave it be? I get that you care, Lu, but I ain't interested in having to always... always clarify how I feel to 'ya-- or to anyone. If you really want to know, if you can't just accept what I say, then sure, I'm fucking over this shit, alright? I'm over the pack, I'm over the whole community bullshit; what a goddamn lie that is, by the way. Community. Pack collectiveness. S'all bullshit," he grunted as he let his eyes wander back to the flowing stream, the urge to just leap over it and wander back within the trees, away from Luana and everything she was representative of, growing by the minute. His thoughts, like his words, were starting to race and become muddled, his head resting back against the trunk of a tree and a slow breath exhaling in an effort to control how on fire his mind currently felt.

He knew nothing he was saying made sense, that it all felt abrupt and sudden and confusing, but she had wanted an insight into how he felt. He couldn't be bothered to condense his thoughts into something more manageable for her; he was over doing that for people, too.

"Ronan's-- I'm over thinking we're this fuckin' special mated pair, that's-- it's dumb. I love him, but we ain't fuckin' soulmates. I don't know him. I couldn't tell you one detail about him, Lu. I don't even know when his goddam birthday is - an' you're telling me we're meant to be? That I should ruin my life coming out to the judgement of our pack for that?" He scoffed with a humourless laugh, his eyes squeezing shut the moment he realised how bitter the words seemed in contrast to the genuine love he held for the man. It didn't mean every word was untruthful -he genuinely had no idea who Ronan really was after his earlier admissions- but the general tone wasn't ideal.

"I-I-- I dunno. Maybe that's harsh. Maybe I'm being cruel, I just-- I can't do this shit anymore. I just wanna... go. I never signed up for being a part of a pack. What if I just wanna... leave? Find a human village, settle in amongst 'em? Have my own home, have privacy an' peace an'... an' nobody expecting shit from me? Why can't I have that?"
 
His words made Luana take a physical step back as she had been unprepared for the intensity of his response. A flare of irritation briefly flamed within her, not appreciating the tone of voice being taken with her when all she was trying to do was help. The more he talked, the more Luana began to feel that way. Her arms raised to fold across her chest and a frown deepened within her brow as she watched him, not daring to interrupt whatever he had to say, even if she had to bite her tongue to do so.

"Alrigh', so clearly you ain't in the mood for anyone to be carin', so I'll be just as blunt as you," she drawled, shifting her weight onto her left leg with her right knee bending slightly, "One, I ain't appreciatin' what you've just said to me. Not as your alpha, because fuck knows I ain't that, but as your friend. I ain't askin' you to explain yourself to me, Anders. I'm asking how you are. There's a difference. This ain't an interrogation, this is me askin', as a friend, what's goin' on in that head of yours 'cause do I fuckin' know your family keeps everything bottled up in there."

She took a deep breath, rolling back her shoulders which had, without her realising, hunched forward, "Two, I don't understand where this whole hatred towards the pack has come from. But after you just bit my head off for askin' what you're feelin', I ain't goin' bother tryin' to ask why you feel that way towards the pack - which is real out of the blue - because I may just lose a fuckin' limb next." She took a few steps to the nearest tree on his left, leaning sideways into it and allowed her eyes to linger on him. She wasn't about to enter his personal space, but wanted him to be able to see her with the state he was in.

He seemed flighty, and she was concerned he would take off at any moment.

"As for you an' Ronan... fuck's sake, Anders, seriously... where has all this come from? Just last night you were gushin' about tellin' everyone. As for not knowin' anythin' about each other - you think Tate and I do? We were together two weeks before I left. I learned nothing about him in those two weeks. You've been with Ronan for three days. You ain't goin' to know him right off the bat. That's what relationships are all about: you learn about each other."

Exhaling heavily and shaking her head, Luana pushed herself away from the tree, "I ain't sure what to tell you, Anders. You seem pretty fuckin' made up anyway. But I'm tellin' you, a human village is just like a pack. It's a community, you help each other out. But they ain't goin' be so understandin' if you lose your shit an' shift." She pointed out dryly, "What's more, you're tellin' me you'd leave Teddy here by herself? Because we all know that Ronan can't just adopt her so easy if you go. People won't see a reason for him to do so an' she'll have lost two dad's in one day. An' Ronan? He's your mate, Anders, whether you like it or not. He's your one. I don't know why you've suddenly felt this desire to basically abandon him, but the least you can do is tell him to his face."
 
"You-- don't understand where my hatred of 'em comes from? Is that a joke? Out of everyone, you ought t' know exactly why I don't feel comfortable there. They attacked you, an' you're confused about why I don't wanna be around 'em?" He suddenly retorted, not angrily or spitefully but incredulously, a smile finding its way onto his face in sheer disbelief at her apparent confusion. He hadn't felt entirely happy within the pack for a while, not when it felt claustrophobic and as though every move he made, every action he took, was judged and critiqued by those always watching him... but Luana's beating, undeserved and particularly cruel, consolidated precisely why he didn't want to be there anymore.

How could he be sure they wouldn't do something similar to him? They already looked down at him, considered him the weak link in the family who hadn't risen to earn their respect in the way his brothers had, nor in the way Daisy had when her dedication to her healer's position was a valuable skill the pack immensely respected her for. He wasn't a hunter like his brothers, nor had the strength to be a healer like his sister. Was it so out of the realms of possibility to assume some members of the pack, already predisposed to hurting those they didn't respect, would target him in the future?

Or target Ronan? Even Teddy when she was older?

At the mention of his daughter, and the accusation he would just leave her behind, he rolled his eyes and rested his head back against the tree in an attempt to collect his temper before it spiralled. It wasn't an anger directed at Luana (even if she wasn't helping matters with her persistence on continuing a conversation he didn't want to have) so preventing himself from acting out on that anger when she didn't deserve to face the brunt of it was his priority... however difficult it was to hear her assume he would abandon his daughter.

He might had wanted to spend some hours to himself, away from any reminder of his responsibilities (one he was born into rather than choosing for himself) for a while, but that didn't mean he was prepared to abandon the one thing he was absolutely certain of, that being the love and dedication to his daughter. He had doubts over the pack and his place within it, doubts about pursuing things with Ronan when he wasn't even sure the term 'mate' could be used to someone he had actively been dating for three entire days (he loved him, but putting a title on what they had and being expected to uproot his life for a three-day-old relationship was insanity), but never would he have doubts over being a father to Teddy.

Luana insinuating as such wasn't just disrespectful; it was hurtful and it took everything he had not to respond to it.

"Thoughts change; opinions alter. I ain't gotta stick to one decision, I'm allowed to take time to think about what's good for me an'-- if I decided that last night I was spouting a ton of bullshit that I thought I 'ad to say to appease you all, then I'm entitled to change my mind an' do what... what's best for me. I'm fed up of doing everythin' for that pack and putting myself last, it's exhausting a-and it's hurtful and I just wanna-- I ain't gonna talk about it, you don't fuckin' get it an' I ain't in the mood to see you frown at me like I'm some horrible person, Lu. I'm tired. I ain't-- interested in faking shit anymore, pretending I'm fine being around people I fucking hate."

He exhaled once more, tilting his head up to cast a glance up at the now overcast, clouding skies, the appropriate pathetic fallacy making him smile to himself.

"...I'll come back, I ain't about to wander about an' getting Teddy worried about me. I just ain't promising I'm gonna plaster on a smile an' pretend I'm fine for Tate or Ronan or any of 'em back home. I'm not doing that."
 
Luana fell silent as he reminded her about yesterday. It felt like it happened a while ago, not less than 24 hours. Between the fight with Tate, the walk with Daisy, the making up with Tate and then their fishing afternoon... it didn't feel as though it had happened recently. Her gaze flickered to the ground and her arms unfurled from her chest to shove her hands into her pockets. It had been too easy to forget what members of the pack had done, and quite frankly, Luana didn't mind that she forgot. She wanted to move past it, for everyone's sake.

"That was only four people, Anders. Four people out of the whole pack. You... you can't tarnish everyone with the same brush, otherwise you won't trust anyone." She replied quietly, keeping her gaze off him by looking down the creek. A hand raised to brush a fingertip over the curved scab that had formed, the swelling now pretty much gone, until she realised what she was doing and lightly rubbed just under it at her cheek and lowering her hand again.

Reluctantly she looked to him, shaking her head in her own disbelief at what he was saying. A small smile settled on her own lips, huffing quietly as she fidgeted on the spot, body partially turning away from him. Torn between wanting to just turn and walk away, or staying, Luana once more folded her arms across her chest and turned back to face her friend.

"Don't tell me I don't fuckin' get it, Anders. You might not be in the mood to see me frownin' at ya, but I ain't in the mood to listen to you think I don't know what it's like to not feel like you belong."

She tried not to get too heated, her hands tightening around her upper arms were a testament to that. For him to stand there and say that she didn't understand how exhausting it was to pretend to be okay and to put the pack first... it infuriated her. She had no chance of understanding who she was because in the few weeks she had been at the pack, she learned she wasn't a human, she learned she was an alpha, and learned that she was too weak to do any of the roles because of her lack of experience in the new world she had been forced into, especially once the kidnappings started. And then so try not to take his last comment personally, that it wasn't her that he hated or Daisy or Ronan or Tate, was hard. He was talking about wanting to leave the pack, and that meant her. It meant his siblings.

"Right-- right well, you don't wanna talk an' you don't wanna listen, so I ain't goin' waste my breath." Luana shrugged, shaking her head again, exhaling heavily, "We'd better go back. Teddy's gettin' worried an' the food's goin' be cold. The girls'll probably want a nap soon too. Just... at least put on a smile for Teddy." She requested, sending him a brief look before finally turning and walking back the way she came.
 
"Yeah, don't waste your breath, I'm not gon' listen if the only thing you tell me is how dumb I'm being. I'm not really interested in being made to feel like an idiot when it's all I ever fucking hear," he muttered beneath his breath as he reluctantly pushed himself from the tree in order to follow after her, each step heavy and reluctance causing anxiety to surge through him as they headed back to the clearing.

It wasn't the pack and therefore ought to provide him with some peace - but Tate was still there, representative of the pack as a whole. And Ronan was there too, whose presence, as much as it comforted him and provided some stability in a life that felt increasingly more chaotic and frenzied (if only in his own mind), wasn't necessary one he desired right now. He could simultaneously love the man and feel as though they were rushing into something he didn't know if he even wanted, at least not when they barely knew one another.

He knew there were feelings there, but when Ronan had been the only man he had ever met to reciprocate the attention he gave him, to be interested in him romantically, he couldn't help but think he had latched onto it and rushed forward without caring to take his time and truly getting to know him. The two year absence hadn't helped, granted, but they had only been reunited for three days - he wasn't prepared to come out to the pack and potentially cause their low opinion of him to worsen for someone he had been dating for such a ridiculously short amount of time.

The man might be his mate, a fact he wasn't disputing nor would ever dream of doubting... but that didn't mean he felt comfortable disrupting his life in such major ways for someone he couldn't honestly claim he knew.

It was why every step closer to the clearing where they had settled made him grow more anxious -and more uncomfortable- by the second. He didn't want Tate pestering him once he sensed something was wrong, nor did he want Ronan to subtly approach his side to ensure he was okay. As grateful as he was for the fact they cared about him... he just couldn't cope with feeling more and more constricted, more compressed, than he already did.

As predicted, Tate's eyes fell on his brother the moment he spotted him emerge from the trees behind Luana. Any effort he made to catch his eye and offer a supportive smile failed, however, with Anders deliberately avoiding any intention to comfort him by moving to scoop Teddy into his arms, the girl having inevitably abandoned the last of her meal in order to run delightedly into her father's arms.

"You didn't take that long, he couldn't 'ave wandered that far then. See, I knew he was just clearing his mind. No need to worry," the alpha grinned over to Luana as he patted the spot on the blanket beside him, where her portion of the meal had been sat waiting for her return. "Looks like it's gonna rain soon so we'll just have a little dip in the river after lunch before we get goin' home. I promised Tala I'd have a paddle with her; the current ain't too strong-- you alright? I ain't boring 'ya, am I?"
 
"Hm? Yeah, no, sorry... M'fine. Just hungry." Luana smiled quickly at him, having sat herself down beside him at his gesture. She had picked up her portion of the food without a word, happy to just let Tate talk and fill the silence. After her conversation with Anders, she wasn't in a particularly talkative mood, it having left her slightly irritated but equally confused. She couldn't understand what was going on in his head, or what had happened to make him flip flop so much in what he wanted.

As she reflected back on their talk, tearing cooked meat from bone to eat, she began to wonder why he felt so confined and boxed in. She also couldn't figure out what to suggest in order to help him, not liking to leave things without a solution to try. He clearly thought the pack thought little of him, he hated what it stood for, and... hated her for representing it? Luana wasn't sure where she and Anders stood in that moment in time. But what mattered more was where he stood with Ronan.

Clearly he was having some doubts about the bond that had been put in place for them, perhaps she could even be led to think he was scared about such a commitment? Or that he felt as though he would be rushed into something? Either way, she was clueless and didn't appreciate the tone that was being used towards her by her friend.

"Don't go out too deep, when you go paddlin'. You've both just eaten... I don't... really like her goin' swimmin' when she's just eaten." Luana then continued her conversation with Tate, looking up to him, "But just don't go in too far, 'kay?"

Ronan, meanwhile, looked to his mate to check his appearance, wanting to make sure he was okay. But when the other avoided his attentions and instead busied himself with Teddy, his small and reassuring smile flickered and faded. Hastily, he glanced away and ran a hand raggedly through his hair, clearing his throat quietly.

"I'll uh... I'll start packin' things up, rinse the finished plates off in the creek." He announced to no one in particular, pushing himself to his feet to collect the items that needed a quick wash. After getting all the plates bar Anders' and Luana's, he took himself down to the creek.
 
Despite her reassurances, it was more than abundantly clear that there was something on Luana's mind that she wasn't divulging to him - he knew her well enough to know when her mind was elsewhere; when her thoughts were occupied by something troubling her. She hadn't been in such a contemplative state before she left to search for Anders, so he could only assume that words had been shared or behaviour shown that concerned her... and just one glance at Anders, deliberately shut off from the rest of them and focused solely on listening to Teddy, confirmed that something had occurred during their time away from the clearing.

When it concerned his mate and his younger brother, he was desperate to know what had happened and whether there was anything he could do to help, if there was something wrong that he needed to know about... but he was wise enough not to bring it up. He didn't want the children to potentially overhear that conversation nor pick up on the tension that would only start to brew - and nor did he want to gossip behind Anders' back.

Instead, he let a smile grow on his face in response to her warning, happy to let himself focus on something a little more light.

"God, you are such a mother, aren't you? My Ma would say the same thing - wouldn't let us go swimming after a meal, would get all cross at us if we defied her. I mean, she had a point; I threw up everywhere the one time I did it, so... we'll wait a few minutes, won't go in too deep neither. I don't need you getting all cross with me - however cute you are when you get mad. Your cheeks go all red, you get this adorable little frown on 'ya face-- but nah, I'll be obedient an' follow the rules, ma'am," he snorted as he leaned back on the blanket with his hands resting behind his head, allowing himself to unwind and his legs to stretch out to make the most of the relaxation he garnered from the privacy of the clearing. It allowed him to tease affectionately with Luana, after all; something he couldn't do without earning himself a glare or causing mutters to erupt around him back at the pack.

Not to mention how awkward it would be when Leah would be present. It wasn't fair to throw his romance in her face, so until things had settled and time had passed, open moments of affection would have to be in private or, at least, subtle.

"...I'd like another one, y'know. Another kid. I ain't saying we gotta get down to business anytime soon, Lu, definitely not saying tha'. We're taking our time, enjoying one another's company again, I get that. I agreed with 'ya to take things a day at a time an' all that. I'm just saying tha'... when your heat kicks in, I wouldn't... mind if you didn't fight it. If we just let nature take its course an' see what fate has planned for us. What d'ya think? Is that-- am I totally alone on that?"
 
"You're the first to ever tell me I look cute when I get mad," she raised an eyebrow, turning to look down at him over her shoulder. It took all her will strength to keep herself from blushing further at his comments, knowing otherwise her ears would match the same shade he described her cheeks to be already. A teasing, inappropriate comment sprung to mind in response to him calling her 'ma'am' and informing her he would be obedient, but with her still feeling on uneven ground and also his preference for privacy regarding such things, Luana kept a hold of her tongue and turned back to the food on her plate.

She focused on eating for a moment, her hunger having built up after hunting for it in the first place and then not having breakfast that morning. When she had finished and put the plate to the side, she hesitated before allowing herself to lay back and join him.

Luana tucked an arm behind her head which tilted to the side as she felt a little body clamber over her thighs. She smiled softly as she watched Tala crawled towards them in the gap Luana had left between her and Tate, lifting her arm so the toddler could nestle into her side, a thumb raising to her mouth and the two-year-old beginning to suckle on it. Luana was aware of the habit, and had been trying to keep the child from it as much as possible, but seeing her so sleepy and peaceful... it made it difficult to tell her no.

However, Tate's mention of having another child caught her off guard, and Luana sharply looked across to him, "...What, what?" She spluttered, not moving to sit up and look at him purely because of Tala having made herself comfortable.

It felt rather ridiculous to hear him say such a thing when a few days ago he acted as though he didn't want to know Tala. When, two years ago, he stood in front of her and told her he didn't want children.

"You're... you're serious? You'd actually... you want... but I thought..." She knew he was more than obligated to change his mind at any time, however it was still difficult to wrap her head around such a matter, "Sorry I just... y-you ain't alone in it, not in the slightest, but... y'know... you were so adamant before. S'hard to think that you're... actually, willingly, sayin' this now." She confessed, turning her head back to look up at the sky, "I-- I mean we have some time... I ain't got another heat for four months... so you got time to... to really think about this, Tate. I mean... you've made a lot've decisions today... I ain't goin' to hold you to anythin' you've said today. You can still think about things, change your mind..."
 
"I ain't gonna pretend that it isn't... y'know, completely outta the blue and contradicts everything I thought I was adamant about but-- I dunno, not seeing Tala be born, not being there when she took her first step or said her first word. I didn't think it'd hurt as much as it does, but it does; it's been playin' on my mind how I wasn't there for any of it, Lu," he mumbled, keeping his voice low just in case Tala hadn't quite yet falling to sleep. He kept his own body fixed in position, afraid of moving an inch in case it disturbed their child from her slumber, but he managed to at least briefly tilt his head to the side to cast his mate a glance upon realising the guilt she might feel at his words; guilt he didn't necessarily think she ought to feel now he had sincerely understood the position she had been in.

The pain and hurt her decisions caused wouldn't miraculously disappear over a few days, but he had reached an understanding at the very least that allowed much of the anger he felt towards her to dim and calm.

"Not that it's your fault, I ain't saying that. You did what you had to an' I get that; I was hardly... the nicest or most understandin' whenever we brought up having kids together, was I? But I didn't... turn the idea down 'cos I hate kids, that was never it, Lu. I was just scared of not giving 'em my time, having 'em grow up resenting me, I dunno. It was dumb. Tala's-- she's the best thing to happen to me, you aside. I'd... like a chance to be there with 'ya from the beginning, help 'ya. Raise my kid without missing a day. We got four months to think about it, but I, uh... don't see myself changing my mind, I gotta be honest with 'ya."

He managed a quiet smile in her direction before returning his gaze skywards once more, trying to shake the remnants of hurt starting to arise within him again. He knew he was fortunate to have met his daughter when she was still young, giving him ample opportunity to teach her, nurture her and raise her, but he couldn't help mourn the fact he had missed out on the entire first two years of her life and all the milestones that came with it.

He only had himself to blame for his stubborn refusal to even consider having a child with Luana and making her feel like she had no option other than to stay away once Tala came into the world... but blaming himself didn't eliminate the hurt he felt at being out of her life. He would always maintain that he had had a right to know about her existence - though when he forgave Luana, when he promised her he understood, it meant not dragging up issues from the past. What had happened was behind them; there was no use arguing over something that couldn't be changed.

"Just think about it, yeah? We got time, an' the choice is yours, I ain't gonna pressure 'ya into anything. Either way, we're a family now, right? Whether we just have Tala or have more, I'm happy."
 
Luana dropped her gaze as guilt began to fill her at his words, knowing without a doubt and accepting without fault that it was because of her that he didn't get to experience such moments. It wasn't as if she didn't think of him during them, or her mother had told her softly that he should have been there. In fact, her mother was a strong advocate for Tate knowing about Tala (it was Luana's father who had a tougher time of it, since he had been the man to hurt his mate).

"It... was my fault though, wa'n't it? I mean... if I'd just... not been so much of a coward... I might not'ave been able to make the journey back home but I could've still... at least... written." She answered quietly, keeping her attention on Tala to make sure the pup wasn't paying them any notice.

Despite the breakthrough they had had that morning, Luana still felt like she had to explain herself. While Tate said he understood, and she had tried to lay out all the reasons before, she still felt an urge to set something straight that had the appearance of being so already. It didn't feel right to Luana, and that made her uncomfortable. She wanted him to understand the length and depth of reason why it had been two years rather than six months. But she understood that it was still the first day in their second chance together, and there was so much more for them to talk about. This being one of them. They would have the opportunity to go into each decision in depth soon enough.

The discussion of children hadn't been something she expected to have so soon after the rekindling of their bond, but she was quietly pleased at the openness that Tate was showing about wanting to talk about such matters. It was one of the big factors of why she left in the first place, and his change in demeanour and willingness to just talk things through proved to her that he had learned and changed.

She shifted ever so slightly, careful to not disturb Tala who's breathing had slowed and become heavier, to softly press her forehead against the side of Tate's shoulder. A prolonged, deep breath was taken in, and then released.

"My feelin's about kids hasn't changed in the last two years... I'd be happy to have more. But only if you're sure, only if we stay together through all this. We've got some shit about to come our way, Tate, but if we face it as-- as a family... You can have as many kids as you can get from me." She chuckled, the sound hushed so she didn't wake Tala.
 
There was little point in the constant back-and-for of blame-taking - if Tate confessed that he ought to feel the most guilt for his stubbornness driving her away in the first place, then Luana would only retort with how the guilt was best placed onto her for two years with no contact, harbouring the news of their daughter's existence throughout that time. No matter how passionate or convincing the argument, he knew that he blamed himself and she, contrastingly, thought the blame lay at her door, and neither of them would think differently.

In truth, he knew that they were both at fault, that they ought to take an equal share of the blame, but perpetuating that argument when he was content enough to leave it in the past where it now belonged just wasn't something he sought to do. He had meant every word of his promise to move on and work on bettering himself; being more open to conversations and allowing room to admit when he was wrong.

His admission that he wanted more children (and thereby admitting that his past insistence of the contrary was unthoughtful stubbornness) was evidence of that promise being put to action.

"I know it's pretty soon to start thinkin' about that when we just got back together, but... I dunno. You're my mate, ain't 'ya? I love you. I don't need four months to contemplate that," he responded just as she rested her forehead against his arm, his own head resting back against the blanket to momentarily absorb the affection and just how content and fulfilling it was.

He hadn't spent two years without affection, with Leah having been a loving, comforting presence in his life, but she just... wasn't Luana; she wasn't his mate and as dearly as he would always care about her, nothing she could do would ever match how he felt with Luana.

He could never love anyone as passionately or wholly as much as he did his mate.

"Hey, don't even go frettin' about whatever's gonna be heading our way. Is it ideal? Nah. But we'll get through it, Lu. I ain't gonna let the second chance at being with you slip through my fingers, not now we got this little one around. I won't let anyhin' happen to either of 'ya," he continued promisingly as he allowed his gaze to drift down to the toddler sleeping contently in between them both. "She's exhausted, huh? We can always go swimming another day - I'll take her up to the lake in the pack again, she loved it last time."
 
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